AIBU to push for a baby in this situation?

[CuriousELF]

First post on here so apologies if not formatted correctly, am desperate for some outside perspective and can't talk to family and friends objectively.

So a bit of background, DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years, babies were always on the to do list, but life has got in the way over the past few years so we haven't gone for it. It's probably been more my priority compared to his but he does want a family and has said recently he regrets not trying earlier. He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say. Our fertility testing has come back excellent so our clinic (and Drs) have said we have a very high chance of first time success when we do finally hit go on IVF.

Now for the situation, I have recently started a new job, it was my dream job coming into it, great salary (over £20k more than I was on previously) wonderful business and I was so excited to start. However since starting my role has changed a lot to one I am not overly happy in, my responsibilities have changed and are now areas I am not overly specialised in so am struggling. I am pretty confident I won't be passing my probation which ends in December (70/30 sure) I have little support from up high at work so although I have been asking for feedback its not been coming through, I also know the last 3 people in my role have failed their probation periods so its all weighing down on me.

Currently I am the higher earner after DH had to take a large pay cut in his new role post COVID and is actively looking for another role to get back to his old salary level.

We were planning to go for IVF in early January 2022 and have had most of our testing done, DH has had sperm extracted and is chilling in a freezer.

I am currently still pushing to go ahead regardless of what happens with my job but DH is pushing back, for me its important to keep to Jan 2022 as otherwise we will need to wait until June (we have a big trip planned for late April until nearly the end of May and its one where I definitely don't want to risk being in my first trimester for) and I'm honestly done waiting, in my view I have waited years, I no longer care about the life hurdles. We'd still be 'ok' if I lost my job, but I do see where DH is coming from as he is earning significantly less than before (his current role is on £33k less than his previous one) but we have savings and I am confident I can find another job relatively fast, it just won't be on the same salary as I am on now (will be closer to my old salary, if not a tiny bit lower if I am in a rush)

It's causing a fair amount of friction so I wanted to get a view on how unreasonable I am being for pushing on this.

On a £55k salary - being on average more than some families or single women are on when they decide to start a family is more than enough to manage.

I was freelancing on around £16-18k and single when I had my son and same as you (wasn’t getting maternity pay) younger than 27 and had a plan but no idea how things would GO TO PLAN after having a baby and we managed.

I think you will be fine if you started now.

There’s always going to be excuses why to wait and honestly life will never be easy peasy. You adapt and learn to manage.

You're talking about June instead of Jan-that's not that long!

@Clymene

Totally off topic but why are you having IVF if you have no fertility issues?

I hope you're not paying for it!

I guess you missed this in the post - 'He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say'

And yes we are paying for it, we wanted a better chance of success than available with the NHS. Their rates are quite low on average, the clinic we are going with have a 90% success rate for women under 30 with no prior failed IVF cycles.

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

What you're really asking is should you force parenthood on someone who has reservations and wants to wait

No. No you should not. Both parties need to be on board.

Hardly forcing parenthood on anyone, DH openly regrets not trying earlier for a baby. He is just currently reeling from a drop in salary, its not like he isn't on board with having children.

If you have IVF the odds of conceiving are higher the younger you are, and there's no way of knowing how long it will take. I wouldn't put it off much longer than you absolutely have to. Also IVF can be stressful, many people struggle to work and undergo IVF, so no job might be a blessing.

who has reservations and wants to wait

Slightly off tangent but having had IVF myself a few times I'm not sure that you would be out of the first trimester by the end of April if you are starting your IVF cycle in January. Even if you start at the beginning of January if you are doing the normal down-regulation, that takes 2-3 weeks (maybe longer), you then take the stimulation drugs and again that can take a bit longer than the standard time depending on how you respond. Then egg retrieval and embryo transfer (best part of a week), then 2 week wait. So, even starting at the beginning of January it could be mid February before you know the outcome. (I know some clinics do a shorter protocol, but if you are going to be on one of those, it is still worth counting in the possibility of delays. Then, if all goes well, there is also the possibility (like I had) of all-day morning sickness for the first 12 weeks or longer after you got a positive so, again, committing to a trip end April is taking a bit of a chance.

If you are committed to doing the trip, why not wait until you get back before starting the treatment?

It sounds like your finances are stable enough, though, to not worry too much about the job side of things. But be sure that your DH is on board re the timing because IVF can be very stressful and the last thing you need when you are going through it is a resentful and unsupportive partner.

No, I didn't miss it @CuriousElf1 - it's why I asked you whether you meant IVF when IUI or ICSI are much cheaper and much less invasive if you have no fertility issues.

I also agree with @blueberryporridge that your timings are way off.

Still, it seems from this thread that you're not interested in hearing from people who disagree with what you've decided to do so I wish you the best of luck.

Not all ivf has down-regulation.

Wait, you're on 65k and your husband was on 88k but is now on 55k. So when you're without a job, you'll have lost 98k income between you and that doesnt effect your way of life? I think I'd be a worrier like your husband, but if you can cope with the cut in income, why wait?

There is no rush for this, there is no cliff edge fertility wise despite what people believe so I'd wait for a more stable time.