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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to push for a baby in this situation?

86 replies

CuriousELF · 22/10/2021 17:26

First post on here so apologies if not formatted correctly, am desperate for some outside perspective and can't talk to family and friends objectively.

So a bit of background, DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years, babies were always on the to do list, but life has got in the way over the past few years so we haven't gone for it. It's probably been more my priority compared to his but he does want a family and has said recently he regrets not trying earlier. He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say. Our fertility testing has come back excellent so our clinic (and Drs) have said we have a very high chance of first time success when we do finally hit go on IVF.

Now for the situation, I have recently started a new job, it was my dream job coming into it, great salary (over £20k more than I was on previously) wonderful business and I was so excited to start. However since starting my role has changed a lot to one I am not overly happy in, my responsibilities have changed and are now areas I am not overly specialised in so am struggling. I am pretty confident I won't be passing my probation which ends in December (70/30 sure) I have little support from up high at work so although I have been asking for feedback its not been coming through, I also know the last 3 people in my role have failed their probation periods so its all weighing down on me.

Currently I am the higher earner after DH had to take a large pay cut in his new role post COVID and is actively looking for another role to get back to his old salary level.

We were planning to go for IVF in early January 2022 and have had most of our testing done, DH has had sperm extracted and is chilling in a freezer.

I am currently still pushing to go ahead regardless of what happens with my job but DH is pushing back, for me its important to keep to Jan 2022 as otherwise we will need to wait until June (we have a big trip planned for late April until nearly the end of May and its one where I definitely don't want to risk being in my first trimester for) and I'm honestly done waiting, in my view I have waited years, I no longer care about the life hurdles. We'd still be 'ok' if I lost my job, but I do see where DH is coming from as he is earning significantly less than before (his current role is on £33k less than his previous one) but we have savings and I am confident I can find another job relatively fast, it just won't be on the same salary as I am on now (will be closer to my old salary, if not a tiny bit lower if I am in a rush)

It's causing a fair amount of friction so I wanted to get a view on how unreasonable I am being for pushing on this.

OP posts:

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 17:57

@Clymene

I'm a bit confused by your timing and your 'big trip'. If you start ivf in January, you're likely to be in your 1st trimester by late April. I'd start after your 'big trip' to be honest. You're really young and a big trip when you're pregnant seems like a really odd thing to plan.

My cycles are early in the month, so I'd be out of the first trimester for late April.

SylvanasWindrunner · 22/10/2021 17:58

@BrunoJenkins

He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say.

I don't understand this

He could be unable to get an erection or ejaculate, for instance, but still has fully functional sperm.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 17:59

@BrunoJenkins

He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say.

I don't understand this

DH is unable to ejaculate, can still climax but nothing comes out (complication from surgery as a teenager)

Has its benefits but also downsides!

CyclingIsNotOuting · 22/10/2021 18:00

I would not wait. There’s never a good time.

GiltEdges · 22/10/2021 18:00

My cycles are early in the month, so I'd be out of the first trimester for late April.

What do you expect is magically going to change between the end of the first trimester and beginning of the second?

MeredithGreyishblue · 22/10/2021 18:00

I can see his point. And yours to an extent.

However I don't think having to push for a baby can end well. You both have to be ready or there's resentment ahead.

The pressure you're under as a new parent is enough without also putting you under financial worries.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 18:00

@Clementineapples

You’re only young but literally anything could happen. If you’re waiting for ‘financial stability’ you’ll be waiting forever. Nobody knows what the future holds, nobody expected covid and job losses and furlough. Parents have to deal with it and get through it and you will too.

Thank you for this, we are financially stable even without me in a job, but DH is reeling still from his large drop in salary so I get it but on the other hand its not enough for me to want to hold back yet again :(

DamnYouAutoCarRental · 22/10/2021 18:02

Start looking for other jobs now, if you get one straight away then you'd probably qualify for maternity benefits by the time your trip is over.

How much do you both actually earn? If you're up and down by 20-30k and can still afford to lose your job, I assume the amounts are quite substantial and you'll probably manage.

HazelandChacha · 22/10/2021 18:03

Our fertility testing has come back excellent so our clinic (and Drs) have said we have a very high chance of first time success when we do finally hit go on IVF.

I would be very wary of any fertility clinic that said this, you said DH has had sperm extracted and it’s in the freezer. So would it be icsi you are having then?

CityKitty · 22/10/2021 18:03

@GiltEdges

My cycles are early in the month, so I'd be out of the first trimester for late April.

What do you expect is magically going to change between the end of the first trimester and beginning of the second?

Are you unaware many people try not to travel in the first 12 weeks due to morning sickness and likelihood of MC?

travelling in the 2nd trimester is recommended above first and definitely more than third.

my Dr explicitly said to postpone any air travel planned in my first trimester when I got pregnant a few years ago, thought this was common knowledge.

Howshouldibehave · 22/10/2021 18:05

There are a lot of big salary numbers being mentioned here but how do they actually affect things?

You’ve got a job on £20k more than usual but think you’ll fail the probation. DH has lost his job and is now earning £30k less.

If you lose this job and end up on your old salary with no mat benefits and he stays on his current salary-what will you collectively earn? Is that enough for you to have a baby?

androphobic · 22/10/2021 18:05

I think that you should wait, just until you have found a job. My knowledge might be a bit out of date but if I remember correctly, with most companies you need to have worked there for an amount of time before being entitled to maternity pay, I think in my last job it was 11 weeks, otherwise you didn't get anything at all.

I get feeling like you've waited long enough, but honestly a few months wait if that would be enough to give you much more financial security which your child needs.

CtrlU · 22/10/2021 18:05

I personally wouldn’t wait and would start.

Life throws hurdles all the time and there’s no guarantee that waiting would mean your in a better situation anyway.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 18:06

@HeartsAndClubs

The way your post is written it makes it sound as if IVF is something to get over with, not a desperate longing for a baby.

It’s time specific because of the logistics but in truth if you were trying naturally nobody would advise you to start trying for a baby when you’re potentially about to lose your job and he’s just had a massive pay cut.

Aside from which, it sounds as if your holiday is more important to you than having a baby.

Let’s be honest here, there are no guarantees of being able to get another job. Unless you’re in the hospitality industry jobs really aren’t ten a penny, and there are hundreds of applicants for most. Plus if you don’t pass your probation period in this one it could affect your reference on your CV and make it harder.

If you start a new job after getting pregnant you won’t be entitled to any kind of maternity benefits, added to which if your career isn’t yet established having a baby is going to delay that significantly.

I would focus on your finances, have stability, get a decent new job and become well established in that job.

In truth I would wait a couple of years.

Again not a holiday.

my career is established, just currently in a role that has changed to where I am no longer confident. I am in a skills shortage and will find it easy to get another job, just most likely not on this salary.

DressedUpAtAnIvy · 22/10/2021 18:07

Create and freeze the embryos now if you don’t mind the annual fees. Then you will have the physically hardest part done, and will know how you respond to the medication and what your fertilisation rate is.

8dpwoah · 22/10/2021 18:07

If it were me waiting from Jan to June means your trip is done, you'll potentially be settled in a new job and most likely eligible (or very close) for mat benefits from your new employer, and also you won't be facing those upheavals in parallel with going through IVF. You'll be able to focus on that knowing that the other life hurdles have been sorted and although I've never had IVF I'm sure that wouldn't be a bad thing. If you were a lot older or it was your fertility that was in question the time pressure might be more acute but I'd imagine waiting 6 months in this case wouldn't be a big barrier?

GiltEdges · 22/10/2021 18:08

*Are you unaware many people try not to travel in the first 12 weeks due to morning sickness and likelihood of MC?

travelling in the 2nd trimester is recommended above first and definitely more than third.
*
But realistically speaking, there's virtually no difference at all in the difference of a couple of weeks. If the priority is the holiday, it makes no sense to go ahead with IVF in January, rather than postponing. Particularly if the OP is likely to be out of a job.

Kfjsjdbd · 22/10/2021 18:10

You’re still so so young. I’m in a situation where I had two children in unstable job circumstances and it’s so so hard getting the new job and the stability once you have kids factored in. I’ve had to change roles twice since having children, and in new jobs you haven’t built up enough of a reputation to (for example) take time off for when kids are sick, do childcare pick ups etc. Right now I’m trying to pass probation in a new job, with two young kids, one of whom is going through a tough time. I can’t just work late to get on top of things.

ducksalive · 22/10/2021 18:10

I would wait but no longer than a year. Long enough to sort out your jobs.

We started ivf at 30, where successful first time but it still takes much longer than getting pregnant the normal way.
We were told by the clinic to come back before 35 at the latest if we wanted more dc.

Kfjsjdbd · 22/10/2021 18:11

Also, you need to ask for feedback in your current job and understand if you aren’t going to pass your probation, why not, what the expectations are.

HollowTalk · 22/10/2021 18:11

At 27 I would definitely wait. You have plenty of time, even if your hormones are screaming at you.

Clymene · 22/10/2021 18:13

Honestly, I'd wait until after your big trip. It doesn't matter if it's a holiday or not, your assumption that you're going to be feeling tickety boo in your pregnancy the moment you tick over into the 2nd trimester, and that it will work first time (I'm assuming your taking about IUI rather than ICSI or IVF?) is putting a lot of pressure on.

Get your job sorted first, get pregnant after.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 18:21

@DamnYouAutoCarRental

Start looking for other jobs now, if you get one straight away then you'd probably qualify for maternity benefits by the time your trip is over.

How much do you both actually earn? If you're up and down by 20-30k and can still afford to lose your job, I assume the amounts are quite substantial and you'll probably manage.

I currently earn £65k and DH currently earns £55k.

I am thinking about updating my CV and being prepared for if probation doesn't go the right way, I feel as I am in a freefall the role has changed drastically to one where I honestly am just muddling through and even if I pass probation (and its all in my head) if we do have to push back I might look for another role anyway - gah

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 18:25

@Kfjsjdbd

Also, you need to ask for feedback in your current job and understand if you aren’t going to pass your probation, why not, what the expectations are.

I have asked and get a very wet non answer, I am still waiting for my probation targets (was supposed to get them a few weeks ago and have been chasing)

a 'you're doing fine' but from other comments and just tone I guess I do feel that's not quite true. My director has a habit of responding to ideas or suggestions with a 'amazing idea, really well thought out, but...' then lists off about 900 issues. When I get the 'you're doing fine' it always feels like there should be a but, but they're not saying it, not sure if they are biding their time, as the last few people in my role have all failed probation, but I don't feel confident.

Viviennemary · 22/10/2021 18:27

You are only 27. No reason to rush things or make any decisions now. And sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment.

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