Is all childcare my responsibility?

[swiftt]

Quick background: first time mum to 4 month old. Not with baby’s dad. Yes, have posted about him lots. Just looking for advice on this particular situation though.

I’m due back at work in April-ish, but applying for other jobs at the moment as not keen to go back to my current role. I had an interview last month and my mum took the day off to babysit, which was fine. Didn’t get job. Have applied for another and am anticipating an interview. Asked baby’s dad if he could take the day/time off to look after baby whilst I attend interview. Says he doesn’t think he’ll have any holiday left to take but also seemed quite blasé about it and I get the impression that he doesn’t think he should have to. I feel bad asking my mum to take another day off and feeling a bit resentful that he doesn’t seem to think that her childcare is his responsibility.

To me, I’m thinking why does it mean I can’t attend an interview if I can’t get childcare when she’s his child too? But genuinely not sure if I am BU.

YABU - it’s your sole responsibility

YANBU - he should be taking responsibility too

Of course it’s not your sole responsibility FFS. I can’t believe that women are still conditioned to think it is.

Does he pay any maintenance to support his child?

It’s in his interests for you to have as much financial security as possible.

In reality, if he’s as much of an arsehole as he sounds, though, you’re not going to be able to rely on him so you do need to find reliable childcare if you’re planning on going back to work as he clearly isn’t going to step up. Who would look after your child if you were FT?

Morally of course it’s not all your responsibility.

Practically, I’m not sure how you could enforce that if he’s such an arse.

@thepeopleversuswork he pays maintenance but only after I went through CMS.

She’ll be going to a childminder when I go back to work.

Thanks. I’m struggling to work it succinctly, but I think I felt a bit miffed that he thought it was as simple as saying he didn’t have any holiday left and that was him exempt from the responsibility. Whereas I could never shirk my responsibility like that. If that makes sense. I don’t just get to say well, I can’t look after her and that’s the end of it.

Of course he should take responsibility too
Unfortunately he’s a waste of space

Ideally you'd work as team but that's obviously not the situation.

In his defence its October its not unusual not to gave holiday left.

Does he pay maintenance? Have contact?

Of course he should take equal responsibility. He won't though unfortunately.

Good luck in the job hunt op. I hope it all goes well.

In his defence its October its not unusual not to gave holiday left

Parents sometimes have to take unpaid leave etc to look after kids if they have no annual leave. Or he could have tried to arrange for someone to look after the baby for him. He just doesn't see it as his responsibility at all. That's what's annoyed op as far as I can see.

Not all your responsibility at all. You have joint responsibility.

However, were you still together, it wouldn't change the fact he hasn't got any leave left. If you believe him. But even when still with the child's parent it doesn't magically resolve childcare issues.

Can you ask another family member or friend to have your baby while you attend the interview?

FFS another woman having a baby with a lazy feckless man.

Of course fifty percent of every to do with the child should be his responsibility. Half of costs. Half of time. Half of emotional load. Half of everything.

But clearly he won't.

What do you decide would happen before you agree to have a baby together?

Do you have a custody arrangement with set days? If so could you arrange job interviews on days when he is looking after her anyway?

If not then he does have a responsibility to look after his child but he doesn't have a responsibility to facilitate you getting a new job so I don't think it's entirely reasonable to expect him to take annual leave (which could very likely have all been used at this time of year).

Maybe you could look at booking a babysitter for a few hours / half day as needed when you have an interview?

@DDivaStar yeah, I get that. I think I was just a bit miffed that he instantly said that and kind of shrugged it off rather than saying he’d check or see what he could do or something. He pays maintenance and sees her regularly.

In theory it's not your full responsibility but as you not together I suspect it will become such...I've a friend who got pregnant with a friend with benefits and they parenting 50:50 with him stepping up alot recently due to situation and taking over 70:30 when needed but this vvv usually sadly.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say it is not his responsibility if it is not a day he would normally have your dc.

If you were together, you would presumably work together and divide childcare responsibilities (although that doesn't happen in all couples). As you are not together, it would be based on your custody arrangements so he is responsible on the days he has the child and you are responsible on the days you have the child.

That said, he's a bit of a shite for not helping you out.

And agree that you will have to arrange interviews on his custody days

My friend Been I'll with covid and didn't want her dad to catch it hence why he quickly stepped in and he done that before when she got a job. He told me his responsibility. This situation is vvv rare and should be more common. But no emotional involvement here so wonder if that's why

[quote swiftt]@DDivaStar yeah, I get that. I think I was just a bit miffed that he instantly said that and kind of shrugged it off rather than saying he’d check or see what he could do or something. He pays maintenance and sees her regularly.[/quote]
Technically childcare during your time isn't his responsibility.

Not saying that's right tho......

It's unlikely he'll step up reliably so it's probably best you work on other solutions in the short term.

Have you asked about doing the interview remotely? Or even bringing your child along if it's a safe environment?

So long as your childcare is taken care of when you're working you might find employers really flexible to your requests for adjustments for interviewing.

It can also show you who are good employers.

Work on the Dad later!

Remember this for when he needs you to take holiday for him. The guy’s a waste of space.

Yes it is your responsibility I’m afraid these posts are wrong as you CANT make someone step up and have the child if they won’t, my ex doesn’t see our children at all so I don’t rely on him for childcare of otherwise, you can’t force someone to take the child or be more involved, besides haven’t you had concerns about this guy taking drugs and not trusting him with the baby now you want him providing child care?

Iirc he was keen to co parent initially, and its been let down after let down from him, is that right?

As PP said, I'm not sure how you can make him step up. Based on your other threads you could try, "ok, can you contribute half of £x for emergency childcare then, or you can take her." That might focus his mind, or it might just piss him off, which would in turn piss you off that hes failing to step up.

@TurnUpTurnip yep, I have had concerns but things have improved massively recently. I don’t really want that to derail the thread though.

He sees her on Friday afternoons and sundays so a bit difficult to arrange the interview for when he’s here. He has said in the past that he would help if I needed him to have her extra etc, so I was kind of reaching out for that help now.

To be honest if he's not got any annual leave left then I wouldn't expect the father to take unpaid leave whether we were together or not

Right. You need to stop this informal arrangement and have a fixed contact day, solicitor if necessary. He can then have one or more days a week when he is responsible. Not just hanging out with you seeing the baby.

If you are going to Co parent then he needs to have a schedule of sole responsibility

I'm sorry your are in this situation OP. His behaviour is morally abhorrent.

This is why I am so angry about how pathetic CMS is. It completely fails to take into account the massive financial opportunity cost to the primary carer (usually the mother) in terms of their ability to engage in stable, well-paid employment. And this is a cost that will continue to impact them decades down the line, in the form of savings and retirement.

If it doesn’t fall in his time then sorry but yes it is your responsibility you can ask but he can say no and how can you make someone have their child? Would like to know as my kids dad hasn’t seen them since January 🤷‍♀️ Can’t force someone to parent.