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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is all childcare my responsibility?

89 replies

swiftt · 22/10/2021 17:15

Quick background: first time mum to 4 month old. Not with baby’s dad. Yes, have posted about him lots. Just looking for advice on this particular situation though.

I’m due back at work in April-ish, but applying for other jobs at the moment as not keen to go back to my current role. I had an interview last month and my mum took the day off to babysit, which was fine. Didn’t get job. Have applied for another and am anticipating an interview. Asked baby’s dad if he could take the day/time off to look after baby whilst I attend interview. Says he doesn’t think he’ll have any holiday left to take but also seemed quite blasé about it and I get the impression that he doesn’t think he should have to. I feel bad asking my mum to take another day off and feeling a bit resentful that he doesn’t seem to think that her childcare is his responsibility.

To me, I’m thinking why does it mean I can’t attend an interview if I can’t get childcare when she’s his child too? But genuinely not sure if I am BU.

YABU - it’s your sole responsibility

YANBU - he should be taking responsibility too

OP posts:

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 23/10/2021 07:46

Ok this isn't an argument about who was more stupid or who should have been more careful with contraception. The baby is here now ......so that's pointless
Op - yes of course in an ideal world the baby is both your responsibility 50/50
But in the real world most men in these situations just shrug their shoulders and move on , walking away and if you are lucky they do their bit once a fortnight. My ex seems to think he's some kind of family friend that takes ds on fun days out occasionally.
You need to just get on with it I'm afraid , you can't force someone to act like a decent grown up human being .

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/10/2021 07:52

As you weren't ever in a relationship I think you will struggle with the dad feeling like he owes you anything other than the bare minimum and legally enforced CMS payments.

When the baby is with you she is 100% your responsibility. Don't expect him to offer to pay towards childcare costs either.

AutumnLeafy · 23/10/2021 07:55

Maybe ask him to look after her for a day extra in the week and then schedule interview for "his" day. Pain in the bum but he is only responsible for childcare on "his" days. It shouldn't be like that though.

AutumnLeafy · 23/10/2021 07:56

Has he shown any interest in moving to 50/50 or having a day during the week?

Vix1977 · 23/10/2021 08:09

It's crazy on here, how the replies go off on such a tangent. This really doesn't help the OP.

It doesn't matter if the baby was planned or why they had a baby. She also isn't saying he is a bad dad that is being forced to see his child. All he has said is that he doesn't have annual leave to have the time off work... some people are so dramatic!!

OP - when you get the interview dates and time, I would ask him again to see if he could have a couple of hours unpaid. His employers should be (some won't though) understanding of a couple of hours unpaid for childcare.
I'm glad you have your mum for support!
Good luck with the interviews xx

Carolinesyear · 23/10/2021 09:32

I get that a child is 50% a fathers responsibility but when I read previous posts from this OP it sounds like she wants her cake and to eat it.
If you insist that DF has half the responsibility then you would have to expect him to have half the input too, ie which school child goes to, what said child was named, parental discipline and what the child eats etc. Also you would not get CMS as child would be jointly cared for. He pays money to you monthly to support you in the role of being the resident parent. He has his set days for contact but not child care. I'm sorry but I think child care is OPs responsibility

Dishwashersaurous · 23/10/2021 09:50

But the background does make a difference.

A longterm committed couple who know each other well and then decide to have a child. Then at something in the future the relationship breaks down.

That couple know each other, know what is involved in childcare and have bonded together with the child.

Then when the relationship breaks down there is a foundation on which to build. A child is also unlikely to be only months old.

Whereas two people who barely know each other have an unplanned pregnancy and then have to get to know each other and navigate looking after a very very young baby.

Vix1977 · 23/10/2021 10:06

@Dishwashersaurous

But the background does make a difference.

A longterm committed couple who know each other well and then decide to have a child. Then at something in the future the relationship breaks down.

That couple know each other, know what is involved in childcare and have bonded together with the child.

Then when the relationship breaks down there is a foundation on which to build. A child is also unlikely to be only months old.

Whereas two people who barely know each other have an unplanned pregnancy and then have to get to know each other and navigate looking after a very very young baby.

Why does that make any difference to childcare and the question OP has asked?

Carolinesyear · 23/10/2021 10:09

@Dishwashersaurous couldn't agree more.

User112 · 23/10/2021 10:09

Ask him to pay for a childminder ?

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 10:23

@User112

Ask him to pay for a childminder ?

There's no point of this. Most men won't especially if they pay CMS. More stress for OP

ThinWomansBrain · 23/10/2021 10:31

In an ideal world, you'd be together, looking forward to 2.4 children, sharing childcare....
Unfortunately you chose to have a child with a complete twat.
You've realised this and split up before the end of the pregnancy - but that does make it even less likely that you can count on him for 50/50 childcare than if you were still together.

Flowerpowwer6 · 23/10/2021 11:18

@Dishwashersaurous

But the background does make a difference.

A longterm committed couple who know each other well and then decide to have a child. Then at something in the future the relationship breaks down.

That couple know each other, know what is involved in childcare and have bonded together with the child.

Then when the relationship breaks down there is a foundation on which to build. A child is also unlikely to be only months old.

Whereas two people who barely know each other have an unplanned pregnancy and then have to get to know each other and navigate looking after a very very young baby.

This is BS. Sometimes things turn sour after years of dating. Granted I would not advise to go out and purposely get yourself pregnant to a partner who you know who isn't going to stand up of course not. A LOT of the time people are in relationships and things break down.... men often don't step up.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 23/10/2021 20:29

The background only makes a difference to people who want to get all judgemental towards the OP.

The situation is what it is. She’s trying to figure out what to do.

And plenty of committed, long term relationships end with a man walking away and contributing almost nothing (or actually nothing) to their child(ren)’s upbringing. There’s little anyone can do if their ex is just going to do the absolute minimum.

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