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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is all childcare my responsibility?

89 replies

swiftt · 22/10/2021 17:15

Quick background: first time mum to 4 month old. Not with baby’s dad. Yes, have posted about him lots. Just looking for advice on this particular situation though.

I’m due back at work in April-ish, but applying for other jobs at the moment as not keen to go back to my current role. I had an interview last month and my mum took the day off to babysit, which was fine. Didn’t get job. Have applied for another and am anticipating an interview. Asked baby’s dad if he could take the day/time off to look after baby whilst I attend interview. Says he doesn’t think he’ll have any holiday left to take but also seemed quite blasé about it and I get the impression that he doesn’t think he should have to. I feel bad asking my mum to take another day off and feeling a bit resentful that he doesn’t seem to think that her childcare is his responsibility.

To me, I’m thinking why does it mean I can’t attend an interview if I can’t get childcare when she’s his child too? But genuinely not sure if I am BU.

YABU - it’s your sole responsibility

YANBU - he should be taking responsibility too

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 23:07

Well like I said my ex hasn’t seen my children since January this guy sees his kid twice a week that doesn’t sound bad to me, I would never force someone to be in my kids life that Doesn’t want to be! It’s his loss

RobertaFirmino · 22/10/2021 23:08

No it isn’t in the best interest of the child to be forced on a parent that doesn’t want to have them

It most certainly isn't. It is cruel.

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:10

Possibly not as cruel as not wanting to see your own child.

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 23:11

And you think a child would want to see a parent if they knew that the parent was only seeing them because they were forced to 🤦🏻 Yeh that will really make the kid feel good, the man would likely be nasty or mistreat the child given he is being forced to see them against his wishes

RobertaFirmino · 22/10/2021 23:14

@Burnshersmurfs

Possibly not as cruel as not wanting to see your own child.
Who's going to end up damaged though? The parent who does not want to see the child or the child who is forced to spend time with a parent who does not want them?
Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:32

Arguably both.The child is also very likely to be damaged by the knowledge that their parent does not care about them or wish to see them.

NowEvenBetter · 22/10/2021 23:34

‘Help’?? Nah, it’s ‘parenting’ the kid he made, he’s taking the piss out of you.

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:37

The end position, in my view, is that the (theoretical) man in question feels this way because it is considered acceptable by those around him. That is largely because those around him, and the rest of society, believe that his parenting is an option and that the mother’s is the default. If we, they, and he no longer believed that, then he would likely not be a terrible parent anymore and would actively engage with his own child- benefiting his child, him and (god knows) the rest of us too.

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 23:39

Parenting is optional, like a woman can’t be forced to parent and if a woman doesn’t want a baby she can abort but a man can’t do that so if You have a baby with someone that doesn’t want it don’t be surprised when they don’t suddenly step up and Turn in to father of the year

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:44

So at no point should a man be responsible for the act of reproduction? The argument you seem to be putting forward is that negligent parenting by men is a sort of abortion-compensation strategy. I’m not sure that’s how it should work in a reasonable or fair society.

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 23:46

It’s not an argument, it’s a fact, no court will force a man to parent a child he doesn’t want to hence why a woman can’t take a man to court to see a child only a man can take a woman to court if she won’t allow contact, because it’s not seen as being in the child’s best interest to force contact and that’s not going to change so you’re arguing with yourself on that one.

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:51

Yes, I very much understand that it’s a ‘fact’ in the sense that this is what currently happens. The ‘argument’ aspect is where you appear to think that should be accepted and I don’t. By ‘accepted’ I don’t mean that courts should force custody on the unwilling, but that there should be much more stringent financial support provision for lone parents and the views towards this person should be somewhere in the range of contempt to disgust.

KnobJockey · 23/10/2021 00:03

Sorry these problems are coming up for you already @swiftt.

There would be a case to argue that his days are his days to find cover on, this is yours, however much that negatively impacts/ weighs on you. I would imagine that he's not having much solo time with her still anyway? I know you were still sole carer while he was visiting previously. If you haven't already, time to start upping your game on giving him the main carer role while he's with her.

I honestly think- and this sucks- you have to accept that he is a bit part player in her life. If he has holidays from work, do you think he's going to take them and be her full carer for a week? Or if you get a full time job, do you think he'll be taking over 50/50 by the time she's 2? From what you've said, it seems unlikely. So whatever you do about jobs, childcare, holidays, do it to suit YOU. And keep on getting the most that you can expect from him, i.e., when he is with her, you do NOTHING that he can physically do for her. Teach him now that his day= his problem, before you don't get a day off for the next 18 years

TheDuchessOfBeddington · 23/10/2021 00:06

@Dishwashersaurous

And agree that you will have to arrange interviews on his custody days
The issue here is that her DC is 4 months old, so presumably the father is not doing any overnights.
TurnUpTurnip · 23/10/2021 00:08

I’m of the opinion that if someone doesn’t want to see their child it’s their loss, I wouldn’t force anyone into my child’s life, if you read the ops post from one month ago this guy is doing drugs and only has supervised contact yet now suddenly that’s all changed within one month, doesn’t really sound like the kind of guy I would want to force contact with in her previous posts she also says he sees the child regularly and has never let her down yet so he doesn’t sound quiet the devil people want to paint him to be.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 23/10/2021 00:11

There are different ways of answering this.

Should it be just your responsibility? No. It should be shared equally.

Will it actually be? That depends on him. If he doesn’t want to, he won’t. And nothing will compel him to. The child maintenance system is based on numbers of nights and his income. It has nothing to do with the costs involved, and does nothing to stop the burden of childcare costs falling entirely on the resident parent.

He may well decide that the maintenance contribution is all he has to provide. So many men do. My H has decided this. There’s precisely nothing I can do to compel him to take responsibility beyond what the CMS calculator says he needs to pay.

choli · 23/10/2021 00:17

Was the child planned and wanted by both of you? That would influence my opinion.

steff13 · 23/10/2021 00:35

I'm actually torn here. He should be responsible for half the childcare, but I don't know if it's fair to expect him to take time off work (especially unpaid) so you can go to a job interview. If my husband and I were still together I wouldn't do that, and he wouldn't expect it. He'd either schedule the interview for one of my existing days off, or he'd make alternate childcare arrangements.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/10/2021 00:37

@choli

Was the child planned and wanted by both of you? That would influence my opinion.
In what way?

If a man had unprotected sex with a woman and got her pregnant then said he didn't want to have responsibility for the baby, you’d think that was ok?

choli · 23/10/2021 00:57

If a man had unprotected sex with a woman and got her pregnant then said he didn't want to have responsibility for the baby, you’d think that was ok?
I would think that if he made it known that he was not up for fatherhood if she continued with the pregnancy she can expect nothing more than financial support

TurnUpTurnip · 23/10/2021 00:58

Baby wasn’t planned and op and the guy weren’t in a relationship at any point in time she has said this in previous posts

RobertaFirmino · 23/10/2021 00:59

If a man had unprotected sex with a woman and got her pregnant...

Women do have agency too you know. We aren't all helpless little things who don't know our own minds. The man and the woman choose to have unprotected sex - he did not use a condom, she did not insist on a condom. A joint decision.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 23/10/2021 01:03

Unfortunately I think you need to accept that most child related things will fall to you.

That's not how it should be from a fairness/moral perspective. But it's sadly how it is.

Original poster
swiftt · 23/10/2021 04:15

@KnobJockey thank you. No, he isn’t having much solo time with her yet. She’s going through a funny phase of not settling very well with certain people, him included, so it’s really difficult for me to leave her with him much, if at all yet.

Thanks for the replies. To be clear on a few things, I’m not trying to force an unwilling dad to step up. He’s always saying how much he wants to be involved and help where he can etc. It’s been really rough recently with sleep regression and he’s been trying to do some bedtimes to give me a break. I don’t expect him to take unpaid leave either, if he genuinely can’t take it as annual leave then I’ll make other arrangements. I was just a bit annoyed that he didn’t seem to think he should make an attempt to try and cover it I think.

And I do not ‘still’ have feelings for him. We decided very quickly that we weren’t suited as a couple so there really isn’t anything there at all. I do expect more from him than maybe I should but only because he’s always said how involved he wants to be. There have been lots of issues that I’ve posted about freely on here, however we are navigating those separately.

I do already have alternative arrangements in that my mum will look after her for the interview if I need her to. And I think someone said I was a single parent without a job too, but just to clarify I am employed currently! I’m just hoping not to have to return to my current workplace after mat leave.

It’s an interesting one and I think the jist of it is that dads should have that same level of responsibility and even the mental load, but at the end of the day I can’t rely on that because there’s no way to force him, especially when he sees it as my responsibility too since this seems to be the way society has conditioned us to think. Even my mum was a bit Confused when I told her I’d asked if he could take time off to look after her. He’s only her dad, after all. Hmm

OP posts:
Burnshersmurfs · 23/10/2021 07:35

@RobertaFirmino

If a man had unprotected sex with a woman and got her pregnant...

Women do have agency too you know. We aren't all helpless little things who don't know our own minds. The man and the woman choose to have unprotected sex - he did not use a condom, she did not insist on a condom. A joint decision.

So they both have agency, but only one- almost always the woman- is expected to have responsibility for the consequences of that agency?
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