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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is all childcare my responsibility?

89 replies

swiftt · 22/10/2021 17:15

Quick background: first time mum to 4 month old. Not with baby’s dad. Yes, have posted about him lots. Just looking for advice on this particular situation though.

I’m due back at work in April-ish, but applying for other jobs at the moment as not keen to go back to my current role. I had an interview last month and my mum took the day off to babysit, which was fine. Didn’t get job. Have applied for another and am anticipating an interview. Asked baby’s dad if he could take the day/time off to look after baby whilst I attend interview. Says he doesn’t think he’ll have any holiday left to take but also seemed quite blasé about it and I get the impression that he doesn’t think he should have to. I feel bad asking my mum to take another day off and feeling a bit resentful that he doesn’t seem to think that her childcare is his responsibility.

To me, I’m thinking why does it mean I can’t attend an interview if I can’t get childcare when she’s his child too? But genuinely not sure if I am BU.

YABU - it’s your sole responsibility

YANBU - he should be taking responsibility too

OP posts:
TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 18:16

@Dishwashersaurous

Right. You need to stop this informal arrangement and have a fixed contact day, solicitor if necessary. He can then have one or more days a week when he is responsible. Not just hanging out with you seeing the baby.

If you are going to Co parent then he needs to have a schedule of sole responsibility

He still can’t be forced, even a court won’t force someone to have their child, court is simply so the op makes the child available on those days.
Flowerpowwer6 · 22/10/2021 18:18

As a single mum OP. Unfortunately it all falls upon you and its really shit. Life will be easier for you if you plan your job as if he won't help.

There's many factors here is he reliable? A lot of men see the mothers as the "main parent" it's so annoying as you say you cannot shrink your responsibilities.

Dishwashersaurous · 22/10/2021 18:19

Agree he cannot be forced. But if he wants to co parent then needs a formal arrangement. If he doesn't want to be involved then she can plan on that basis

NewLifePending · 22/10/2021 18:20

It is very frustrating how men can just brush off their responsibility. My son went to his dads during the week a while back. When he brought him back he informed me he needed to see a doctor. When I asked him why he couldn’t have taken him to the doctors or pharmacy whilst he had him, he snapped back “you are his mum”

Pinkyxx · 22/10/2021 18:43

Its not your sole responsibility but you also can't force an unwilling Father to care for his child; no one can. It's not right but that's just how it is. That coupled with CMS is why being a single Mum is so hard.

MrsHookey · 22/10/2021 18:58

Not sure if this helps but the job centre can give you an upfront grant for going to work and associated expenses like childcare. They keep it under their hat. I wish I had known myself.

MrsHookey · 22/10/2021 18:59

Also it might be best to get someone 100% reliable with a back up if possible. Some people would be delighted to leave you up shit's creek on an important day.

GettingItOutThere · 22/10/2021 19:20

can you not start childminder earlier?

half day a week and use this as interview afternoon?

or ask a local nursery for anyone who does extra shifts for cash/babysitters who are are qualified (no way id suggest leaving your baby with a random teen!)

he isnt wrong, but hes useless. sorry op

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 19:25

I suspect, @GettingItOutThere that this may not be something she’d be able to afford as a single mother without a job.

spurs4ever · 22/10/2021 19:27

Have you already got a childminder arranged for when you go back to work? If so then now would be a good time to get your baby used to her.
Having been in your position, don't ask him for anything then you won't be disappointed. Assume sole responsibility now, take any "help" he offers as a bonus but don't expect it. It's all very well thinking half of it is his responsibility but if he doesn't want that responsibility then there's nothing you can do to force him.
Enjoy your baby and good luck for your interviews x

Naunet · 22/10/2021 19:42

You’re not unreasonable at all, of course he should see childcare for HIS baby, as his responsibility too. Unfortunately though there’s no way to enforce it, so for your own mental health, it’s possibly better to accept that he’s a useless dick.

Good luck with the interviews!

shouldistop · 22/10/2021 19:44

@Dishwashersaurous

FFS another woman having a baby with a lazy feckless man.

Of course fifty percent of every to do with the child should be his responsibility. Half of costs. Half of time. Half of emotional load. Half of everything.

But clearly he won't.

What do you decide would happen before you agree to have a baby together?

Helpful
MrsHookey · 22/10/2021 19:46

@swiftt this might help with financing your return to work including interviews:

www.turn2us.org.uk/Benefit-guides/Help-with-Childcare-Costs/Help-with-Childcare-Costs-when-Starting-Work-or-Lo

Carolinesyear · 22/10/2021 19:47

You seem to post about this man a lot, could you possibly still have feelings for him that is skewing your expectations?
I would say if you are the resident parent then it's not his responsibility to drop everything at short notice, he may be worried that this becomes a bit of a habit when you eventually secure a job. If he pays CMS maybe this could go towards childcare? Would his payments cover this?

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 19:54

@Carolinesyear

You seem to post about this man a lot, could you possibly still have feelings for him that is skewing your expectations? I would say if you are the resident parent then it's not his responsibility to drop everything at short notice, he may be worried that this becomes a bit of a habit when you eventually secure a job. If he pays CMS maybe this could go towards childcare? Would his payments cover this?
Yes I think that’s part of the problem, last time she posted she was annoyed he was on dating websites despite them never having a relationship apparently
RobertaFirmino · 22/10/2021 19:59

I've read the other threads. Unfortunately, this is what happens when you have a child with a cokehead you barely know. You'd be better off having no expectations whatsoever.

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 20:01

Exactly, the op and the guy barely knew each other before they had a baby and she said herself they were never in a relationship, it can’t be surprising that he isn’t stepping up? I’m surprised he’s even hanging around loads wouldn’t bother at all... unfortunately

BoxOfDreams · 22/10/2021 20:03

Most men are shit.

Notusuallyshocked · 22/10/2021 20:33

Well, you can force an unwilling father to parent. You can simply knock on their door, leave the child outside and drive away when they appear. If they have parental responsibility, they will have no choice but to parent. So they'll just have to miss work or arrange childcare.

In reality, most non-resident dads can avoid their parenting responsibilities by treating the mum as default and of course most single mums care too much about their children to put them in that situation.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/10/2021 20:52

Yanbu at all. But the reality of it is that you plan your life as though all responsibility, money, care is on you. That doesn't make it right, nor fair but that's the position you've found yourself in so will have to act accordingly. That said, does it also limit the pool of jobs you can apply to unless you've factored in the cost of childcare into your career choices. I'm sorry, it's utterly shit but it's the reality for a lot of single mothers. Does he pay for anything at all?

Dishwashersaurous · 22/10/2021 20:53

And most men are not shit.

But the reality of an unplanned child with someone you didn't know very well is shit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/10/2021 21:26

Is he the one that wouldnt change a nappy when it was 'your turn'?

Of course childcare isnt your responsibility. But he isnt obliged to take a days holiday on your contact time, to basically do you a favour. I am surprised everyone is saying this, the general consensus on mumsnet is that when someone has D and V and can hardly lift their head off to toilet, their partner and the other parent that they actually live with, should still prioritise work and not take a day off to 'help' with childcare.

You need to stop hoping he will step up. He is nothing to you but a co-parent. You cant rely on him to do you a favour. If you want him to do more childcare, you need to increase his contact time. You don't get on with him particularly well, he isn't a kind caring person, he is not someone you should be asking to do you a favour. You are a single parent, you need reliable childcare that isn't reliant on him

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 22:58

The way that it is isn’t the way it should be. You (and the rest of us) should be angry that there is so little in place in our society obliging NRP to be a parent to their child(ren). It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to ask of him, and fundamentally in the best interests of his child. Biscuit to all those who think you brought this on yourself- or words to that effect. It’s not fair and it’s not reasonable- so feel free to be angry and resentful and I’ll be right there with you Flowers

TurnUpTurnip · 22/10/2021 23:00

No it isn’t in the best interest of the child to be forced on a parent that doesn’t want to have them that’s literally why it will never happen, because it’s not in the child’s best interest. If someone doesn’t want to see the child they are likely to not take very good care of them if they are being forced to have them hence why you can’t take someone to court to make them see a child.

Burnshersmurfs · 22/10/2021 23:05

It would happen a lot more if it were considered socially unacceptable to behave in such an appalling way- or if it were considered child neglect to. Which, when you think about it….it is. Believing that current practice (which disadvantages women, mostly) cannot be changed and therefore there is no point in questioning or even feeling resentful is never going to get us anywhere.