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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father Christmas

110 replies

tryingtosavethemagic · 21/10/2021 19:43

My cousin has told his kids aged 9 and 8 the truth about Father Christmas in October. Not because his kids asked but because his wife believed still when she was in yr 7 and she doesn't want her kids to feel stupid the way she did back then... The kids were really upset apparently this is what they told us.

So after some thought we normally spend Christmas Day together. I think they have ruined the magic for their kids (their choice of course). My kids are the same age as theirs so I have said that this year I don't want to spend the day with them. I don't want to risk my kids finding out. Especially on the actual day when opening and showing each other Father Christmas gifts All kids can be quite spiteful these kids are these kids!!

They are not happy at all with us for saying we wanna do it separate this year. I wanna keep the magic alive for mine as long as I possibly can.

AIBU?

OP posts:

80sMum · 22/10/2021 12:36

Chances are that your children are already aware that it's all pretend, OP! Children are not fools, they can usually work things out for themselves.

But anyway don't worry about it. The fun of pretending is part of the "magic" of Christmas. You don't have to take things literally (ie, actually believe that the fantasy is reality) in order to enjoy them.

Most children love fantasy and fairytales, but they know it's just pretend. I think it's exactly the same with Christmas.

NavigatingAdolescence · 22/10/2021 12:37

Guess it depends whether the incentive to believe (or parental pressure, “no presents for those who don’t believe”) is greater than their critical reasoning skills (not possible, difference in gifts given, understanding of beliefs elsewhere in the world (Santa not universal, celebrating on different days).

DD has always been worldly wide. Couldn’t work out why a fairy would want children’s teeth, knew the characters at Disney (aged 3) weren’t real, had travelled to different time zones for Xmas by 5. So at 7 when she learned about the speed of light, there was no chance she was going to accept Santa as possible.

RaisedByPangolins · 22/10/2021 12:44

Yes I agree as an adult with you but for kids the magic is a lot to do with Father Christmas... Advent Calendars, elf on shelf, all the magical Christmas movies, being good, visiting Father Christmas the cookies and milk writing him a letter, reindeers etc all of that is defo magical for kids no?

You said it yourself - there’s a lot more to it than FC himself. Obviously visiting him for a sit on his lap (do they even still do that?!) won’t feature as kids get older anyway, but there’s no reason why you can’t still enjoy advent calendars and Xmas movies, driving or walking round to see all the Xmas lights, making Xmas biscuits (keep one for Santa - wink wink).

The rest of it is very much geared towards younger children so at 9 yours are going to be a bit past that anyway, with or without Santa, so elf on the shelf - maybe come up with a way of doing that for older kids - some of the more naughty things they do for example! They will know the elf isn’t real even at this age, so why not continue it as a way to make them laugh every morning as they get older, rather than pretending it’s magic.

Mine are all teens or older now and although I’ve never explicitly told them it’s just a story, there’s been a lot of “nudge nudge wink wink, if you don’t believe you don’t get any presents” for many years, so I do think it’s sad that your DB has explicitly said it’s not real. But in your shoes I wouldn’t let it ruin family Xmas - just meet up as usual. If the cousins say something then either your kids will ask you straight out or start to question things in a more subtle way. At that point (which WILL come whether from the cousins or friends…Or just growing up) you can decide to go down the route of “some people don’t believe and they don’t get to enjoy the magic of Xmas like we do” or once they’re older just straight up lie to their face that of course he’s real and if they want xyz in their stocking they’d better make sure they’re not on the naughty list.

Lorw · 22/10/2021 12:50

Oh OP, you should be able to raise your children however you see fit, I just naturally stopped believing, which I think is a much better, though I still refer to getting presents off Santa and getting into the whole spirit of it because that’s the magic of Christmas and I’m in my late 20s 😁

I have SS’s who have quite an age gap, the eldest (in their teens) will maliciously wind up the 6yo that Santa doesn’t exist and make him cry which I think is cruel and I see him breaking his heart and it makes me so sad, so I’d do what you’re doing and refuse to spend the day with them 😁

They have every right to raise their children how they like but so do you 😁

Fernhilde · 22/10/2021 13:07

She just said she was autistic.

Fernhilde · 22/10/2021 13:08

Quote fail . That was @OnlyFoolsnMothers

MrsWhites · 22/10/2021 13:13

I think your family were a bit hysterical in their approach, I understand that your cousins wife felt silly being in year 7 still believing but there is a big difference between 7 and 9 and senior school age, why not have the conversation before senior school if they felt it that important.

I just never understand what the problem is with children believing in something that brings them excitement and happiness, what’s the harm. Has anyone ever really been psychologically damaged by parents telling them Santa is real?

The poster whose son said he wanted to pretend that he still believed is the most reasoned post on this thread - he sounds like a lovely boy!

Wheelz46 · 22/10/2021 13:18

Did you ask your brother if his children would play along at the pretence of Father Christmas in front of your children?

I spend Christmas with my brother and his family, his children are slightly older than mine and they have always played along that FC is real, never once slipped up.

Same when we were younger, while I still believed, my older siblings went along with it until I no longer did believe.

countrygirl99 · 22/10/2021 13:20

Just because a child hasn't said they don't believe doesn't mean they do. More likely they are worried spilling the beans will mean the presents stop. I'm 62 and it was only a couple of years ago I confessed to my parents that their trick if hiding our presents at the neighbours and vice versa didn't work, both sets of kids had a full inventory ahead of Christmas. No way were we letting on. It would have spoiled the magic for our parents. Of course the risk of not getting anymore presents played absolutely no role in our strategy at all, definitely not.

Christmas1988 · 22/10/2021 13:23

YANBU I’d do the same in your position!

FilthyforFirth · 22/10/2021 13:25

It is only on mn I have come across this strange obsession with 'not lying to your children' about FC. Literally everyone I know in rl 'do' santa. Yabnu

heebiejeebies45 · 22/10/2021 13:35

Woah loads of YANBU, even one comment that your cousin is an arsehole which is so extreme.

I'd be really interested in hearing reasons as to why it's so important for your kids to believe in Father Christmas/Santa? Does this apply for the Tooth Fairy and so on?
It's not as if they're 4 and 5, I'd think 8 and 9 is old enough to let them know...

heebiejeebies45 · 22/10/2021 13:36

*your poor cousins DC must be devastated, and traumatised.

That is terrible parenting on the part of your cousin, and I’d be telling him so.*

I really do not understand the importance of Santa?! Traumatised?? Really?!

Original poster

tryingtosavethemagic · 22/10/2021 13:37

@heebiejeebies45

Woah loads of YANBU, even one comment that your cousin is an arsehole which is so extreme.

Probably important because I love the whole Father Christmas things all that comes with it and they LOVE it too more so it's exciting it's fun and my memories of Christmas as a kid are exactly that!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

tryingtosavethemagic · 22/10/2021 13:40

@heebiejeebies45

*your poor cousins DC must be devastated, and traumatised.

That is terrible parenting on the part of your cousin, and I’d be telling him so.*

I really do not understand the importance of Santa?! Traumatised?? Really?!

In your childhood was Father Christmas a big deal? If don't mind sharing as in I wonder if alot of how we do Christmas for our own kids reflects our own childhood Christmas memories...

OP posts:

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 22/10/2021 13:46

no presents for those who don’t believe

Who says this? I was never told this. I was told santa knows if you've been naughty though, so you should always behave.

heebiejeebies45 · 22/10/2021 13:47

@tryingtosavethemagic hi OP, thanks for replying!

I definitely understand that Christmas is a big deal for a lot of people and it's a celebration where families get together etc. However I never knew the importance of Father Christmas was soooo great😧

I never celebrated Christmas growing up but all the kids in my family knew Father Christmas wasn't real at around 6/7 I think. Even at primary school I remember there was always talk about Father Christmas not being real and so on.

Could you elaborate on 'all that comes with it' when speaking about Father Christmas?

Ionlydomassiveones · 22/10/2021 13:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

TheKeatingFive · 22/10/2021 13:54

It is only on mn I have come across this strange obsession with 'not lying to your children' about FC. Literally everyone I know in rl 'do' santa. Yabnu

Yeah me too

nosyupnorth · 22/10/2021 14:00

So maintaining the lie of Santa is more important than family?

I'm not sure I like your idea of Christmas spirit.

At 8 & 9 they likely have their suspicisions if they don't already know, who's to say the cousins will tell, and really, is the fictional character of father christmas more important than their relationship with their real cousins?

dottiedodah · 22/10/2021 14:01

I would be surprised if a 9 year old didnt already know TBH. I think keeping them away from their cousins would be difficult though .Unless they are not seeing them until next year ,they could see them during the Easter/Summer holidays and it could slip out then . At School someone will tell them anyway

Rivergypsyy · 22/10/2021 14:02

YANBU at all

VickyEadieofThigh · 22/10/2021 14:11

@AtlanticCityProof

The message I get from these threads is the older you are, the more likely to be upset. I’m in the ‘over seven is weird’ camp,

My partner was a primary teacher, teaching Y 3 for quite a few years and says that she had trouble every year from parents irate that some children had broken the news to their child. She says as the years wore on, this got earlier and earlier, according to colleagues.

Even if you don't tell your children, OP - and even if you decide to keep them apart from their cousins - it's highly likely some child or other is going to tell them at school now they're in KS2.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 22/10/2021 14:15

Yanbu. At all.

leafeee · 22/10/2021 14:20

Oh come on - you are being extremely unreasonable. As others have said the children have more than likely found out by now

Surely father christmas coming signals the start of Christmas - 12 days of celebration of which that is one. The source of father christmas' presents and the logistics of how they are delivered is a minimal part of the whole Christmas season

It seems everyone has become too fixated on father christmas - the real celebration if we are to celebrate at all is the birth of Jesus surely. Father Christmas is a minor part leading up to the big day

I was told by my parents age 5 that father christmas didnt exist and that he was part of the Christmas tradition, alongside mince pies, carols, going to church, christmas trees etc; it didnt make it any less real and I still got excited about my stocking etc.

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