AIBU worry that the next generation are not actually that "accepting"

[Bonsaibreaker]

Long story short but chatting with 14 yo DD this evening about many subjects and a family members "views" came up. For background this family member in my view is racist and homophobic.
DD stated FM should be cancelled. Never allowed to speak, voice their opinion ever.

I pointed out to DD that freedom of speech means just that. We can all hold opinions others don't like but we are all free to voice, protest and gather regardless.
DD is of an age where discussion/debate is not an option apparently and if you are offended by another's views you just cancel them instead of debating or accepting their view as different to yours.

This worries me as instead of challenging different opinions the next generation are just silencing them.

YANBU = yes we are growing an intolerant society

YABU = They deserve to be cancelled

It seems to be the general gist of this thread is it’s ok to spend time with racist and homophobic people.

Which scares the shit out of BAME people like me.

It really isn't the gist. Every poster has called out my FM but the point of the thread is the no debate/cancel attitude some have seen that others have just focused on FM.

@SharonasCorona

It seems to be the general gist of this thread is it’s ok to spend time with racist and homophobic people.

Which scares the shit out of BAME people like me.

I don’t think that’s the argument at all. The argument is who decides.I’m deeply suspicious of people who presume that they are free of bias. Some of the incidents pointed out as racist on this thread are in my opinion being seen through a class bias. A pp pointed out research into racial bias in students. We are all a product of our experiences to some extent. Older Jamaican communities can be quite homophobic So can other BAME ( sorry I don’t like that but you used it) groups. I don’t agree with those views and make that clear but I don’t think the way forward is cutting people off. Things improve as people mix I think.

@Bonsaibreaker

I dont want DD to just ignore him. I want her to say no. I want her to challenge him. I have and despite my arguments being ignored I want the next generation to challenge him too.

He never listened to me and he probably won't listen to her but I want him to know its not just my generation its every generation after me.
I want him to see he is outdated, wrong, a bigot.
It is probably a losing battle but we all start somewhere.

OP, maybe your DD as a BAME woman doesn't have the emotional energy to expend on a man she knows is a waste of her breath. You have the right to challenge him if you wish, but you don't have the right to ask your vulnerable daughter who may not have the mental health or energy to do so, to challenge him. Her choice and how she deals with him is her path to choose. You can't force her to be like you. Just because you have the emotional energy doesn't mean she does. Her cancelling a racist - UNREPENTANT racist at that (since if he won't change his mind for you, an adult, he isn't going to for a 'silly child' - in his opinion) is a valid option for her and you must respect it and accept it. Mental health is important.

your vulnerable daughter
Where have I said she is vulnerable?

Why are you making stuff up?

@Bonsaibreaker

I dont want DD thinking she can be complacent.

Walking away is the easy option and changes very little.
I am trying to teach her that if you believe in something it's OK to stay and fight. You just have to fight the right way.
No its not her job to educate a 74 yo racist white man. However as the next generation she as we all did before her have a responsibility to at least try.

This thread is about tolerance of others opinions good or bad in my view, I shall read them all.

NO! It is not the 'responsibility' of a 14 year old to even try to educate anyone. And you have no right to think it is. How dare you. Quite frankly I am concerned at the harm you are doing to your daughter. Sometimes walking away is the safest and most wisest move to make. Unfortunately you seem to lack the wisdom and maturity to realise this. In this, your daughter is way ahead of you and you could learn from her.

@Bonsaibreaker

your vulnerable daughter Where have I said she is vulnerable?

Why are you making stuff up?

A 14 year old child is vulnerable. She's also doubly vulnerable as a mixed race child, so is vulnerable to the opinions of her FM. Sorry you as her parent and adult don't understand this and needed that a 14 year old is vulnerable to even be explained to you.

Jeez leave OP alone. Its a valid question to ask, is debate better than cancellation, within the family or in broader society. A timely question at that.

She is not forcing her DD to do anything but obviously like any mother she has a preference and advice she'd give to her child.

You have clearly not read the thread Girlcat

My DD is no more vulnerable than the next 14 yo why are you trying to make her a victim?

Yes I want DD to be able to debate and have a voice. I want her to know she can despite being female and black her voice can be heard but so can the voices that disagree with her.

Are you saying that because my DD is black I should advise her to stay silent?

Well this thread has taken quite weird turn.
A mother of a mixed race child is being told her child is doubly vulnerable hmmm. I hope those lecturing her are actually bringing up black or mixed race children. If not, the presumption is quite something.
You cannot shield your child from racism. You teach them to navigate it and aim to give them the confidence to go out into the world knowing their own worth.
Calling out every instance would really not help them. Nobody does that. It is utterly unrealistic. It’s actually not the open statements that impact as much as the more subtle slights and assumptions. They are much harder to address as well.

Las few posts have been a bit strange.
SharonasCorona - you need to read the thread again, as that definitely isn't what the OP is saying AT ALL.

and GirlCat - you are just making stuff up.
This isn't what the thread is about either if you read it through.

Why do people just make stuff up on threads like this ?

@LittleDandelionClock

Problem is, people define different things as racist, and homophobic, and bigoted.................

As a pp said, there is a world of difference between someone hating on/beating up gay men and women, and using the N word, and deplorable behaviour like making monkey noises and throwing bananas onto the football pitch etc................. and someone like that woman a pp mentioned, who expressed a genuine concern (to Gordon Brown,) about the number of immigrants coming over to the UK.

I deplore racist and homophobic behaviour, and think genuine racism and homophobia and bigotry should be called out. However, there does seem to be a hardcore of certain people, usually young, but not always, as I know a few 40 to 60 year olds like this, who call 'racist!' if someone says they disagree with so many illegal immigrants (on the boats) being allowed into the UK when we have so many of our own to look after. And they are called bigoted and hateful, if they use the wrong terminology... (Regarding a person's skin colour, or sexual orientation, or disability etc....) Many people who do use the wrong terminology occasionally very rarely mean any harm, and are almost always not 'bigoted!'

And some people are instantly accused of being thick and racist if they voted for Brexit, even though some of the most industrious and intelligent people I know voted for Brexit. I have known some far left people completely ghost someone they previously got on with well, when they discovered they voted Conservative. Not even a discussion with them or anything, they were just dead to them.

I know one woman at work who refused to engage with or acknowledge someone she knew, and called them a bigoted cunt (lovely!) because they said they couldn't tell the difference between someone from Malaysia and someone from Indonesia, as they looked similar to her. That was not racist or bigoted, she was stating a fact. She could not tell the difference. She was labelled a massive racist.

I am white, and blonde, and blue eyed, and British, and have been mistaken a number of times (when in Spain, Italy, and Greece,) for a Swede or a Norwegian. Was I offended? Not even slightly. Then again, the Indonesian woman was not offended either; it was the white, 30 year old British woman who was offended on her behalf...

So incredibly narrow-minded, intolerant, and bigoted, and yes, I agree with you @Bonsaibreaker many of these 'social justice warriors' are not remotely 'accepting' at all. These type of far left judgemental people display the kind of abhorrent and intolerant behaviour that they accuse others of. Yet they can't see it.

I am also very pleased to see such a high vote for YANBU. Showing that the tide is turning on mumsnet!

I am also very pleased to see such a high vote for YANBU. Showing that the tide is turning on mumsnet!

Because we don’t want to sit and talk to racists and don’t see racism as a ‘difference of opinion’? And that makes me judgemental and intolerant?

It’s attitudes like these that make me pull away from white people and think I’m better off with my Asian, South East Asian and black friends.

@Kite22

Las few posts have been a bit strange. SharonasCorona - you need to read the thread again, as that definitely isn't what the OP is saying AT ALL.

and GirlCat - you are just making stuff up.
This isn't what the thread is about either if you read it through.

Why do people just make stuff up on threads like this ?

They’ve tasted blood.

You can't debate racism. I agree with your daughter.

@slashlover

OP you say this I am trying to teach her she can choose to engage or not but that's not true is it? Other post say

I want DD to challenge them.
I want them to discuss and debate both points of view. I want DD to be able to debate why racisim and homophobia are wrong.
I dont want DD to just ignore him.
I want her to say no.
I want her to challenge him.
I dont want DD thinking she can be complacent.
Walking away is the easy option and changes very little.
I am trying to teach her that if you believe in something it's OK to stay and fight. You just have to fight the right way.
I expecty daughter to challenge things she feels passionate about.
I dont care if she challenges fox hunting or global warming. I just want her to challenge not cancel.
What I hope I am teaching her is not to walk away. I hope I am teaching her to fight for the opinions she holds and not back down to peer pressure or social media.

If your DD doesn't want to engage with this man then she doesn't have to. She's seen you try and fail for 14 YEARS so why should she continue to try when she knows it's futile?

Yes, and she has already cancelled him by not allowing him in her home, and yet expects a lot more from her dd.

This is a very confused thread and probably a result of OP trying to fit in with white relatives her whole life, and now teaching her dd to do the same.

This is a very confused thread and probably a result of OP trying to fit in with white relatives her whole life, and now teaching her dd to do the same.

🤣