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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset that friend has just basically told me I am a bad parent

96 replies

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:15

Ok long story warning. At playgroup this morning and 4yo dd is crying and having a bit of a fit as usual. I am stood near her and picking her up for a quick cuddle when she comes over. Friend called me to one side and said that dd only has tantrum etc because I pander to her. Then told me that the reason my children don't eat is because I let them, my children have had a lot of problems with food allergy and have never eaten their tea. Everything I said in response I was told I was making excuses and IO should look at my parenting. Anyway i spent the whole morning trying very hard not to cry and have come home and been crying ever since so please don't shout if IABU. It was a very good friend and I now feel like I don't want to see them ever again.

OP posts:

mumzyof2 · 10/12/2007 12:18

Ignore her. If you think that you are doing your best for your children, then you will be. Why she would say something like that to you, I do not know! But please just ignore her. Its nothing to do with her why/if your children dont eat.

JodieG1 · 10/12/2007 12:18

With friends like that who needs enemies. I don't think you pander to your dd just because you cuddle her, what sort of parent would just leave them to cry?

Ignore her.

WhenAChildIsBored · 10/12/2007 12:19

oh no how awful for you! Of course you feel hurt, I don't think that is unreasonable at all. I can't comment per se on your parenting, not knowing you - but that was a very unkind and harsh thing for your friend to do. Is she usually unsupportive and controlling? Or is she going through some sort of bad patch? because if this is her usual style, I wouldn't consider her a very good friend.

And cuddling an upset child isn't pandering IMO. Tantrums can be very frightening for a child, they often need reassurance and soothing. Your instinct was quite right.

Have a hug from me anyway and wipe your tears away. (((((hug)))))

thehollyandtheivy · 10/12/2007 12:20

Oh babe, I know how you feel, I had a similar lecture this summer from my sister and I have to say, I cannot forgive her comments. You sound like a lovely mum and it's not your fault your children have food allergies, that is hard work to deal with. Presumably they're eating something each day that they're still alive. My dd often doesn't eat her tea but she seems to be doing alright.
Don't take it to heart, you know if you're a good mum or not. Ignore her and keep a wide berth, you don't need friends like this.

nametaken · 10/12/2007 12:21

YANBU. Why do people think they have the right to do this? I just don't understand. Have a good cry and get it out of your system.

Next time you go to playgroup, be strong, be calm, be polite and watch your friend like a hawk whilst she's interacting with her own children (your gathering information at this point). If she ever says anything to you regarding your parenting again, immediately hit back with something she's done that you don't think is 100% perfect. There must be something. I guarantee you you'll only have to do this 3 or 4 times and she'll shut up.

TBH I think this happens to all of us once or twice - not that that makes you feel any better.

Hope the rest of your day is a bit better.

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 10/12/2007 12:22

how ghastly. you need to tell her (if you can be arsed) that it's not an area you want any input from her on as a conversation where you tell her what's wrong with her parenting and she tells you what's wrong with yours ultimately wouldn't be fruitful.

but for the record... if she is tantrummy then surely it is possible that by not ignoring it you are encouraging that behaviour? it's really only something to address if it's a problem for you. ach well, we can all be Tanya Byron with other people's kids, can't we?

WanderingTrolley · 10/12/2007 12:25

This person is not a very good friend, that's not how friends behave.

My advice is try not to ever see them again.

Why did this person tell you this? Had you asked their opinion? How does your parenting affect this person?

Very odd behaviour on the part of the other person. Smacks of bullying, imo.

"Making excuses" ffs - who are they to judge?

I'd give this person a wide berth from now on.

soopermum1 · 10/12/2007 12:26

YANBU. your friends needs to mind her own business. what's it to her how you handle your kids?

GooseyLoosey · 10/12/2007 12:26

Not unreasonable!

You are doing the best you can. You may not be doing what she would do but so what, they are not her children and she does not know them as you do. Please ignore her.

I am not sure that I would ever want to talk to her again and would quitely distance myself. She does not have the right to judge your parenting.

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:27

I had not asked for advice, I wasn't even talking to them at the time, aslo the reason dd was crying was because their dc waouldn't let her play their game.

OP posts:

perpetualworrier · 10/12/2007 12:27

I'm always very careful not to critise other peoples parenting skllls, because you never know what's round the corner and who really knows what the "right" way is?

Even if everything's going well for your friend at the moment and she feels like she's got all the answers, it's only a matter of time imo before one of hers hit a difficult patch. Then you'll be able to look at her and think that you know what she's doing wrong and yours would never behave like that.

Only you'll be much more supportive - if she's still a friend. If not you'll be entitled to gloat quietly to yourself.

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:43

just for the record dd who 'doesn't eat' has just polished off pitta bread, houmous, grapes, cheese, a pear and is now onto an apple. Sorry stopped cryiong now and just feel

OP posts:

thehollyandtheivy · 10/12/2007 12:46

Well she can't be too bad an eater then. You 'friend' obviously doesn't know what she's talking about!

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 10/12/2007 12:47

cherryredretrochick.

Personally, I agree that often children do act a certain way because parents allow them to. Sometimes tantrums should be totally ignored, but I know when my DS needs a cuddle and when he needs ignoring. If anyone was to tell me I was wrong I'd tell them where to go.

As for her child not allowing yours to play, if that was the reason the tantrum ensued I would have found it very hard not to say 'well, if you taught your child to play nicely mine wouldn't be upset!' (IMO a tantrum is not when a child is upset because another child is not being inclusive, it's when they start being a bleeder screaming and shouting for not getting their own way!!!)

nimnom · 10/12/2007 12:48

Ignore her. Nobody has the right to interfere with your parenting methods unless you are endangering your child which you are obviously not doing.
She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me, if she was she would be supporting you not criticising you.

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:52

I am so not able to confront people, said friend left their child in the car last week while went into nursery and was at least 5mins, I stood by car when I noticed and moved as soon as I thought they were coming back. It seems to be very easy to judge others parenting when your children behave well but my children are always safe.

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 10/12/2007 12:53

How much of a friend is she eg how long have you known her? YANBU - unless you had asked her advice it is none of her business and she should keep her opinions to herself. If she is a good friend and thought she was being helpful (rather than just being spiteful) maybe you should let her know how upsetting her comments were - she might well be horrified.

handlemecarefully · 10/12/2007 12:55

It sounds like harsh criticism and completey insensitive...Not surprised that you are upset

However she may have been well meaning and probably cares for you. Is there anything in what she said that may have some validity? (Only you will know the answer to that)

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:56

it was actually a he and we have been friends for a couple of years I am more friends with his wife and we often meet up. Don't want to lose her as a friend but am so upset, also my dd's are very good friends with their dc. here come the tears again.

OP posts:

jelliebelly · 10/12/2007 12:59

If you don't want to lose them as friends then you need to talk to them about how you feel in order to clear the air otherwise you will be stewing on this forever.

edam · 10/12/2007 13:00

He sounds like a miserable git, taking out his bad temper on you. Or maybe he's insecure about his own parenting and has a go at other people to make himself feel better?

Really, really bad form - if he did have anything to say (and not his role anyway) then in public at a playgroup is really not the place.

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 13:02

blood is officially boiling now, keep thinking of occasions where friends look down their nose at me because dd was having tantrums. For the record I do ignore tantrums, but not crying because you want to play with others and they won't let you join in. I hate being a parent, it is too heartbreaking.

OP posts:

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 10/12/2007 13:05

oh he's a MAN? they're idiots. they just watch telly and repeat it. he's been watchign the house of tiny tearaways is all. if he'd been watching top gear instead he'd have been criticising your car as not being cool enough.

try not to get too upset about it, tbh this probably means a thousandth to him that it does to you. he's spoken out of turn, his wife would probably be furious if she knew.

jajas · 10/12/2007 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bahKewcHumbug · 10/12/2007 13:10

that would piss me right off. Even if he was right. Tell him to mind his own business until you ask for his input.

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