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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really upset that friend has just basically told me I am a bad parent

96 replies

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:15

Ok long story warning. At playgroup this morning and 4yo dd is crying and having a bit of a fit as usual. I am stood near her and picking her up for a quick cuddle when she comes over. Friend called me to one side and said that dd only has tantrum etc because I pander to her. Then told me that the reason my children don't eat is because I let them, my children have had a lot of problems with food allergy and have never eaten their tea. Everything I said in response I was told I was making excuses and IO should look at my parenting. Anyway i spent the whole morning trying very hard not to cry and have come home and been crying ever since so please don't shout if IABU. It was a very good friend and I now feel like I don't want to see them ever again.

OP posts:
Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 14:30

kitty, great advice would kill for a mince pie but am on a blooming diet grrrrr!

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 10/12/2007 14:32

cherryred, i have a "friend" who has an uncanny knack of making me feel like shit about my parenting. So i simply keep away. Im not even sure she knows shes doing it but sometimes i just get the feeling.

Personally, i think you should tell your friend to fark off and mind his own business, i dont want to upset you but it sounds like he and his wife have been discussing your parenting. With friends like that..............

Bonaventura · 10/12/2007 14:50

Your friend's home is probably like a boot camp. What are their kids like?

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 10/12/2007 14:57

imo I would tell your friend to "feck" off. Life is to short to get upset at others who disgaree with how you look after your dear lo's.

Each to their own is my saying . Keep up the good work. . You are a wonderful mum x

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 14:57

Their kids are incredibly well behaved, although I don't think they had the tantrums to start with so how they know how to mend them I am not sure. Some dcs just have worse tempers than others. I hug dd when she crys evan if over nothing as I am the same and can't stop myself crying, it doesn't mean she is being manipulative in my opion she is very sensitive.

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blueshoes · 10/12/2007 15:03

cherry, seems to me the ones with easy children are frequently the ones most liberal with their advice.

Never take sleep advice from a person whose baby sleeps. Never take tantrum taming advice from someone who has not experienced one. Their advice (as I am sure you are now experiencing) is the absolute worst and most eye-balling rolling in their utter uselessness and dire lack of insight into the human condition that is your childrens' TEMPERAMENT.

Scootergrrrl · 10/12/2007 15:05

Agreed - tell your friend to naff off. You didn't ask her advice.

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 16:34

know what you meen about the advice, thing is I may have asked for opions/advice in the past when at my wits end seems to have become an ongoing invitation for interference. I am not very confident in my parenting and generally feel like I am a crap mum anyway so this sort of thing really doesn't help my confidence.

OP posts:
SHHHHsantaiscoming · 10/12/2007 16:40

cm difference between then and now is that then you asked for advice.....

We all have days when we question our parenting skills and you need to remember that noone is an expert on bringing up babies..its something we all learn. Its just that some (claim to be )are better than others. Don't put yourself down. You are doing the best you can at a hard job xx

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 10/12/2007 16:41

sorry meant to put it to crrc..all this name changing is confussing me...Not a hard thing to do..!!!

mynameisnic · 10/12/2007 16:47

crrc - you are doing the right thing letting your kids graze and if he thinks that is wrong then he is a wank stain. Being a parent is a tough job and I bet you are very good at it - just not good at giving yourself the credit .

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 17:26

Thanks everyone, feeling a lot better now, although not sure I can face going back to playgroup. Will have to see in a few days.

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DarthVader · 10/12/2007 17:39

There is no "right" way to be a parent or to deal with problems with your kids. You should follow your own path and have confidence in your own decisions.

This man seems a bit unenlightened, insensitive and also frankly rude, although maybe he is not aware of this. Perhaps he was genuinely trying to help in a clumsy and inappropriate way?

If it happens again, maybe tell him you don't read the same books as him on parenting and have a different style. Then give him a big cheesy wink and ask whose kids will be spending a fortune on therapy when they're grown up.

Judy1234 · 10/12/2007 17:50

How awful. It's best not to interfere in how people bring up their children. I do not comment about my sister's ways which sometimes seem very wrong.

Most people don't intervene and no one understands your own children as much as their own parents and carers do.

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 17:55

I don't think I am very confident in my own methods, mainly because dd1 is still having awful tantrums at 4. I not only try to trust my instincts but do a lot of research on areas that I am struggling with. This lack of confidence seems to mean I can't stick up for my ideas when confronted.

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ScottishMummy · 10/12/2007 17:57

cherryredretrochick odd how everyone else thinks they can dispense invaluable information/solutions about someone else child o what a shame for you so insensitive of your friend, maybe she having an off day too

you are expert about your own 4year old, and you know best how to deal with the grazing, tantrums etc. after all you are the mummy

but yes i too would feel hurt and annoyed about this - friends are meant to support not stick their unwanted oar in

take a deep breath, try not worry about it

francagoestohollywood · 10/12/2007 17:58

How insensitive !
I do believe that at times other people might have a more "detached" view on my parenting choices and other people's view/input might help when I feel stuck in some "parenting vicious circles", but gosh your friend is tactless! and who wouldn't cuddle a crying toddler, btw?

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 18:01

I think when I do actually need advice in future will come here rather than talk to friends. Am new here so have only just discovered source of much varied advice. I prob do ask opinions more than most but I definatley did not this morning. Can't wait for dh to get home so I can have a drink

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mumeeee · 10/12/2007 18:05

Yanbu.your friend has no right to comment on your parenting.

pooter · 10/12/2007 18:07

ooh im so annoyed for you! Bloody cheek! Comforting your upset child is exactly what you are meant to do ffs!!

I would talk to him/her/both about it and say how upset it made you, otherwise it will fester and you will be angry and upset everytime you see anyone from that family (or is that just me and my grudge bearing??)

snooks · 10/12/2007 18:10

Cherry you deserve a drink! Or 2 haha. You sound like a lovely loving mum

Things people say about parenting can really knock my confidence too, don't think I'm assertive enough sometimes. I'm still about what my sis-in-law said 6 months ago! Apparently the reason my (then) 2 year-old ds1 didn't do everything I said (like her 6 year-old does) is because my boundaries aren't firm enough He was 2 FFS! Oh and, another corker. If I sent him to bed without any tea (he is and always has been incredibly fussy, even at weaning stage) he would magically transform overnight into a fantastic eater

Why do parents that have never encountered these problems feel like experts??? Rise above it (wish I could). YA def NBU.

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 18:15

snooks, did you know if you let your child starve they will eat eventually, absolute bollocks, do people say that about anorxic teenagers. (sorry if that offends anybody at all I am just ranting and have absolute sympathy for anorexic teenagers.) Some kids just don't care about eating and I think my dd likes feeling hungry. Although she has been a bottomless pit today, and behaved like an angel all day.

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snooks · 10/12/2007 18:20

Cherry that is v true. My ds2 is a fantastic (well, compared to ds1...) eater, and we didn't do anything different with him. I'm glad your dd has eaten well today, it gives you a warm glow doesn't it You sound like you are handling the allergies/food aversion thing fantastically btw.

Original poster
cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 18:26

dd1 has grown out of allergies, dd2 has just started ahhhhhhh. Not nearly as bad as dd1 was but a bit heartbreaking when she has to watch her big sis eating stuff that she loves

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DarthVader · 10/12/2007 18:31

my child has problems with eating and is a very selective eater. tbh I don't think it is natural for a mother to be able to starve her child, you can't override a strong maternal instinct.

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