to be really upset that friend has just basically told me I am a bad parent

[cherryredretrochick]

Ok long story warning. At playgroup this morning and 4yo dd is crying and having a bit of a fit as usual. I am stood near her and picking her up for a quick cuddle when she comes over. Friend called me to one side and said that dd only has tantrum etc because I pander to her. Then told me that the reason my children don't eat is because I let them, my children have had a lot of problems with food allergy and have never eaten their tea. Everything I said in response I was told I was making excuses and IO should look at my parenting. Anyway i spent the whole morning trying very hard not to cry and have come home and been crying ever since so please don't shout if IABU. It was a very good friend and I now feel like I don't want to see them ever again.

cherry, you cannot compare anorexic teenagers to fussy children.

Fussy children without any kind of mental reason why they will not eat something will not starve themselves.

If there is more to the eating issue than just not wanting to eat and being pampered to in their whims then they should see a child psychologist, otherwise they will not starve themselves.

I understand you're annoyed, and it must be hard having a child that is a fussy eater, but it is not comparable to a parent whose child is suffering from anorexia, not in the slightest.

Tiny tim I was not comparing and sorry if you thought this, my child has very bad food associations as food used to cause her a great deal of pain and she has never got over this. Stopped eating, drinking bfeeding as a 9month old baby. Has always been off the bottom of the chart underweight and was admitted to hospital as a fail to thrive child. Come to think of it I also have bad food associations on her behalf. Again I did not mean to belittle a huge and scary problem.

Cherryred - I haven't read all this but if it helps my dd had tremendous tantrums at 4 - I actually think it is quite common. As for thrown-away meals - well I do that often too. I did go through a phase of offering alternatives but realised I should trust them - they eat when they're hungry - I do get frustrated but I think the worse thing you can do is show that. There's a great book called "My Child Won't Eat" and basically by offering and not forcing the issue you are doing the right thing. Apparently children need a lot less food than we think and you should take their food intake over a week. It workss for my dds - they have a couple of really hungry days and then a few picky ones.

Your "friend" was out of order - we all do things very differently and generally speaking should keep our judgements to ourselves. I can just imagine the kind of bloke he is...... thank God my DH is one of those.

does anyone know how much food a child does need, I read once that it is 1800 calories which scared the crap out of me as I don't think mine even get half of that, saying that they are healthy, happy (appart from the tantrums) children so they must be getting enough. DD1 only weighs 27lbs at 4yo but has grown on the same (well below) centile since born.

Jeez, I don't think it is as much as that many calories.

As long as your child isn't suffering frm malnutrition of losing weight then I would assume that they are getting enough.

Think of how little their stomachs are!!! My dd eats tons, whereas my DS will eat very little some mealtimes and tons at others. He can quite easily polish off two bowls of cereal and toast for breakfast one day, but eat half an apple the next, just as one day he will eat a huge roast dinner with all the trimmings and others he will eat three forkfuls of mash.

Chldren really do know how to regulate their food intake much better than we do, just try to make sure the things you offer are not empty calories and I'm sure with time they will get better.

Jacanne is right, if you don't make food an issue, nor will they.

some links for you - i don't know the efficacy or reliability of them
table with suggested calorific intake
BDA

hth

blimey I have managed to keep my mouth shut about some very dodgy parenting techniques of my brother and SIL. Their eldest DD seemed/seems to live on sausages and pizza. But they are now lovely teenagers and seem none the worse for the fact that they they weren't brought up the way I would raise them.

Was glad I kept my mouth shut though it was tough at the time.

Thanks for the links, those totals are a lot more realistic and put my mind as I am sure many others at rest, also dds needs are probably slighty lower as she is only size of average 2yo. Sorry about all the wuzzy soppy stuff, just having a really hard time at the mo anyway and prob a bit over sensitive. Am quite sad about not spending xmas with dds and trying to cover it up as I don't want them to realise.

I can vouch for Scottishmummy's BDA link - the British Dietetic Association represents dietitians, who are properly trained and qualified to advise on nutrition (unfortunately anyone can call themselves a nutritionist so unless you've done your research into a particular nutritionist, it's safer to get your advice from a dietitian).

You might also find this helpful, from the Food Standards Agency - they are the official but independent body that advises the government on nutrition and food safety. official advice for children

Some children throw tantrums, some don't, but they all grow out of it (till they become teenagers ). People who have children who don't throw tantrums should thank their lucky stars and not try to be holier than thou and try to make you feel bad. I think you are doing fine!!!

Cherry you are entitled to be both distressed and angry about the way he spoke to you. I agree with whoever said you should confront him and tell him how upset you were. There is no one right way to deal with tantrums, but your method seems perfectly reasonable to me. Many children carry on having tantrums till much later (sorry if that's a depressing thought!)

You sound like a very good mother to me, and I'm glad you have some support from your own mother too.

I know the tantrums are going to go on for some time yet, her cousin is 9 and still has them. feisty family apparently I was exactly the same. I would love to confront him but I don't want an argument and I know it would just turn into another go at me. I will probably lie low until I have calmed down and forget it ever happened, wish I could be more assertive. DH has to look after dds for a while while I recover so he may well say something though.

Part of being assertive is having the right NOT to be assertive sometimes when you choose to let it go.

(Work that one out!)

I have an agreement with my closest friends that if we p**s each other off we will just avoid until forgotten as everybody annoys each other at some point and not worth losing friendship over. Can you tell I have had a few vodka's now, feeling much more normal and haven't cried for hours.

dietitcian is a registered protected title for someone who has undertaken an undergraduate degree (or PG qual) in Human nutrition and dietetics and has indepth knowledge of anantomy, physiology, diet, applied to health. they are registed and accountable to Health professions council HPC
BDA home page with hpc register link

edam, i have worked closely with dietitcians - like 'em

My first reaction was to ask why you were cuddling a child having a tantrum but since I read later that it was because her dc would not let your dc play their game YANBU. She was totally rude and out of order. Also, as other people have said it is none of her business whether your children do or don't eat well (unless you have spent many hours pouring your heart out about not being able to solve the problem) In which case she feels you request advice and then ignore it so she may be frustrated by this. I would talk to her and ask her what provoked the outburst because it sounds like there is more to it than this.

snooks I have some experience with fussy toddlers as I cm. My dd is 22mths and the other 2 children are 2.3 and 2.4yrs.

IME 2yrs is late to start setting boundries for eating. They should start to learn from weaning what is expected at meal times by joining in with family meals. Also tantrums and terrible twos start well before 2yrs for many children. So your 'he is only 2ffs' is rediculous.
Also it is absolutely true that children will not starve themselves- its called survival instinct. Children will obviously take a preferred food over a none preferred one given lots of options. If a child doesn't eat a meal but knows he gets a yoghurt if he is hungry 30mins later yes of course he chooses the yoghurt- thats called common sense!

You poor thing cherry
Who needs enemies with friends like that, eh

Just to give you an update, I found out earlier that said friend knows he upset me so I expect felt pretty shitty about it. Just seen him outside nursery and I made an effort to pretend it never happened. We all say things we wish we hadn't afterwards, I think he felt bad enough so best to forget and move on. Was really nervous going to nursery as knew I would bump into him. Not worth losing a friend over, thanks for all the support when I was really down you were all great.

If everyone behaved like you Cherry, there would be world peace.