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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really upset that friend has just basically told me I am a bad parent

96 replies

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 12:15

Ok long story warning. At playgroup this morning and 4yo dd is crying and having a bit of a fit as usual. I am stood near her and picking her up for a quick cuddle when she comes over. Friend called me to one side and said that dd only has tantrum etc because I pander to her. Then told me that the reason my children don't eat is because I let them, my children have had a lot of problems with food allergy and have never eaten their tea. Everything I said in response I was told I was making excuses and IO should look at my parenting. Anyway i spent the whole morning trying very hard not to cry and have come home and been crying ever since so please don't shout if IABU. It was a very good friend and I now feel like I don't want to see them ever again.

OP posts:

newgirl · 10/12/2007 13:18

i do think some dads can be a bit blunter than a mum would be

it sounds like it was a very stressful moment - fed up child in a busy play group -on a monday morning - it is the worst possible combination!

make yourself a lovely lunch, put dd in front of the telly and take a deep breath - it will all blow over x

BeeWiseMen · 10/12/2007 13:19

He is a git.

He thinks it's ok for his children to exclude your dd from their games. When your dd cries about it he thinks the problem is her pain rather than his own children's meanness.

His solution to the problem he has misdiagnosed is to publicly berate you for your poor parenting. A friend would have had a quiet private word with you if they felt the need to say anything at all.

So this morning his children have driven your dd to tears and he has driven you to tears. Nice family. And no prizes for guessing where his children have learnt their insensitivity to other people's feelings.

And he's an @rse obviously.

I'd tell his wife how much he has upset you and how badly he allows his children to behave and let her make his life a misery for a few days deal with it.

HowTheGibbonStoleChristmas · 10/12/2007 13:21

It was a man?

Tell him to poke his 'advice' and remember that no one needs to justify comforting their child.

wooga · 10/12/2007 13:29

YANBU - hate it when people feel they can talk to others like this!!How very dare he!

mumzyof2 · 10/12/2007 13:30

Id definitely mention to his wife, even if just as a joke. But make sure she knows, if shes got anything about her, she'll put him right. Just mention it as passing or make a joke out of it, even though, understandibly, your fuming. Let us know what happens?

Brangelina · 10/12/2007 13:30

That explains it. Men think they know it all and they need to impart their superior knowledge on us poor delusional females because their mothers told them so when they were little.

My DP occasionally comes out with some useless crap useful suggestions wrt childcare and discipline. I just snigger under my breath, thank him politely for his wondrously useful and insightful advice and ignore it totally. Had he ever done more than 10% of the childcare or had dss grown up with any manners at all I might have listened to him, but as it stands IMO he is hardly the expert in child-rearing.

flack · 10/12/2007 13:37

That would have put me in floods of tears, too, Cherry -- not sure I could speak to the person again, really. Just so F-ing uphelpful, isn't it? I have one sort-of mate who regularly volunteers (unasked) that I should just be firmer with my children and that would sort every conflict. Really makes me not want to share anything with her.

YuleLoveHekateAtSolstice · 10/12/2007 13:37

I'm not even going to bother saying whether I think you are being unreasonable or not.

It is none of your friend's business how you raise your child and he had no right whatsoever to take you to one side and lecture you. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is, tbh.

Now it would be different if you had said to him, "why do you think this is?" and he gave his opinion - then you'd invited it and fair enough ...... but to just decide that you need to hear his wise words. [boggle]

Bollocks to him, frankly.

And you should be angry! I'm glad you've stopped crying and got mad!

Bouncingturtle · 10/12/2007 13:37

YANBU - he doesn't sound like much of a friend. But he is a man, and they tend to be insensitive b@stards. Except for the nice ones who post on Mumsnet
I would do BeeWiseMen suggested!

ISawSantaKissingKerrysNorks · 10/12/2007 13:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bouncingturtle · 10/12/2007 13:41

Kerry - I think you haven't read all the posts.
You may have hit on a important point, but it's the way this friend, who btw is a man, went about it.

cadeLaideInAManger · 10/12/2007 13:43

She's a bitch, how very dare she?

cadeLaideInAManger · 10/12/2007 13:44

Sorry, he, he's a bitch

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 13:45

I am being a bit oversensitive today, not very well and having an operation on xmas eve, so not in the happiest place to strat with. Just been on the phone to my mum who agrees that I should tell his wife when I have calmed down abit. Also reassured me that dd1 is perfectly normal and perhaps just stressed with current events. i just hate that people think they can say really hurtful things and then try and spend the rest of the morning talking to you as if it means nothing. something I try to teach dds never mind adults.

OP posts:

UniversallyChallenged · 10/12/2007 13:53

sorry if you have answered this already, have looked thro quickly and not seen it mentioned - why dont your dc eat their tea?

YummersBrandyAndMincePies · 10/12/2007 13:54

If it should happen again what about a simple 'thanks for the advice but i have to do things my way.' then give him a big smile and carry on comforting your daughter. assertive, not offensive and should put him in his place without jeopardising your friendship if he's got any sense.

Saturn74 · 10/12/2007 13:55

Friends are people who support you when you need it.
They don't give unsolicited advice, and come over all judgemental without considering your feelings.

Countingthegreyhairs · 10/12/2007 13:58

What a cheek!! Cherryred - I wouldn't mention it to his wife - I'd mention it to HIM.

Next time you see him (or if he does it again) could you say (in calm, reasonable voice) words to the effect "thanks for your concern about dd's behaviour at playgroup - I'm sure you mean well - but if you don't mind me being frank, I found your comments really upsetting in what was an already stressful situation. It's up to me how I parent my own children and EVERY child has their own individual problem areas. I'm handling it. Thanks" and hold your head up high ...

I don't think you would be so upset if you weren't genuinely concerned about losing their friendship so worth a shot maybe???

You sound like a great mum. Don't let him upset you any further.

Countingthegreyhairs · 10/12/2007 14:00

oh - Yummers - just posted same thing much more succinctly!

wessexgirl · 10/12/2007 14:00

It seems this is one of those guys who doesn't know where helpfulness ends and unwanted judgementalism begins.

Ask him when he became Professor Childcare. You know more about parenting than he does about friendship; that's for sure.

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 14:00

Universally challenged, difficult to say but after 4 years of trying to not offer alternatives etc I just accept it now, put there tea down, take it away 10mnins later and tip it into the bin. If they have eaten it they get pud if not they don't, puddings last a really long time here. They both have very bad food associations and dd1 ended up at hospital after not eating for a really long time, turneed out to be allergies and poor mite was in agony, diahorrea and sore bum as well as stomach ache for months, just developed really bad associations with food. I just let them grase at healthy stuff, they will get over it one day.

OP posts:

Countingthegreyhairs · 10/12/2007 14:01

meant to say "Yummers has already posted same thing much more succinctly"

sorry for x3 posts in a row - it's the flu speaking ....

Original poster

cherryredretrochick · 10/12/2007 14:04

I think dd may tell him, has heard me crying on the phone to my mum and asked why xxx made me cry, was he mean. Turns out they do have there uses.

OP posts:

KITTYmaspudding · 10/12/2007 14:17

A MAN? A MAN?
Don't ever listen to a man, please, they haven't a clue.
Dry your eyes and have a mince pie xxxx

blueshoes · 10/12/2007 14:27

A man, I see. Wonder whether he wishes he could say the same thing to his wife but dare not.

I find my dh is can be more hardline in his attitude towards childrearing - like if you are Firm Enough, none of this will happen. I think they look for quick solutions (because for them, every Problem Needs a Solution). Us mothers certainly know our dcs' behaviour is not ideal at times, but don't necessarily even see it as a Problem, IYKWIM.

Cherry, hope you are no longer feeling like crying. I am stunned even when perfect strangers make comments, and don't know how to reply. You had a friend serve you up a real curveball. None of his business. He should know better and learn to bite his tongue whatever he thinks.

Some children are easier than others. It always makes me steaming mad (I try not to show it) when friends with easier children try to give me advice. I have learnt to let it wash over me [serenity emoticon]

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