I’ve fucked my career - how do I get out

[Surfwomble123]

I work in an industry where the pool of contacts is small and incestuous, it’s specialist so people tend to move within limited businesses and associated areas

I am hard working and conscientious but just can’t cut it, I feel like I’ve ruined my credibility through some poor judgement and a lack of confidence leading to procrastination and indecision

This is all I know and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I just have to write it all off - 12 years

I have some savings and can live frugally for a time, but I’m scared to walk away, even though it feels like all I can do

There are no contacts I can call on, I have made a mess in all areas. It’s made me act a bit odd when I have met people in person as I feel so bad, so personal relationships are non existent.

How can I see past the small pond I am drowning in?

I don’t feel I have many transferable skills, I just know how my industry works - no excel, project management, official type skills, no real training

Please help, I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

If you've recently been promoted then you are deemed capable.

You sound burnt out so get your GP to sign you off for as long as possible and don't think about work during that time and just recover.

Sweeatheart, it sounds like you are struggling with a huge amount of anxiety and low self esteem,
you need counselling and maybe some medication for a short while.

you say you've been promoted, you cant be that bad... it sounds like youre living in your own personal hell, but if you have been promoted, can you be as bad at your job as you think? Is it possible you are being incredibly hard on yourself and others aren't viewing the situation quite the same as you?

There are always also people within a team who do like to pick at their fellow team members, especially if they've had a promotion or a job that they want.

I'd see a CBT therapist. Some of this is your own negative reactions to your own thoughts. Either way it will help you either stay or find the confidence to leave for something you do want.
You feel a bit shaky in the new role but your mind keeps telling you that this 'means' negative something about you.
This spirals into more negative 'meanings' and What If I Am Found Out to be a Fraud .
Having said that, some companies/jobs/teams do go through
toxic periods due to management issues and team members who work to maintain a negative atmosphere. Also there is the Poison Chalice where someone is given a promotion to fix a problem that can't really be fixed.
That's very draining, but it doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong!
Keep the faith

So sorry you're feeling like this. If you're sure you want to move, you will have transferable skills. Could you speak to a career coach?

@Wondergirl100

Op you would benefit from a counsellor or life coach - choose someone who is BACP qualified (ie. a proper trained therapist/ counsellor)

I agree, I think you need some input from a trained therapist to help you navigate some of your thoughts.

Can you find a reputable life coach or similar? Someone who can help you break things down into manageable next steps

I agree this is more a MH problem that an ability problem. You were promoted to a high paying role so you were obviously performing well before that so you can't be as shite as you tell us you are.

You need to tackle this from two angles. First your health. See your doctor, explain how you feel. Hopefully what ever combo of counselling and/or medication will give you some clarity.

Than see your manager for a formal meeting. Write things down to remind you what needs to be said. Explain clearly that you are struggling with the new role, that you aren't happy with your own performance, that you are getting behind and wasting time fire fighting. Ask what he thinks should happen to help you improve things. Possible courses of action might be extra training or perhaps more manpower behind you to do some of the donkey work. Or maybe that isn't the right role for your skill set and the two of you need to consider you stepping back to your old role and letting someone else step in.

How much do you need the £65K?
What level if income do you need?
Are you prepared to change aspects of your lifestyle to live on less?
Can you give yourself six months to try and turn this round whilst saving like crazy?
Do you have an HR or another manager you could turn to? It doesn't sound like your immediate boss is being very helpful or listening to and hearing your concerns. It may be that all this is is a boss problem - that they've left you to sink or swim. Were you OK before you got the promotion and ended up with this boss?
Would it be possible to step back to your previous job/level? You could always cite family circumstances for wanting to reduce workload and work pressures.

It’s not up to you to decide you’re not up to the job, it’s up to your manager, you say you have made a mess in ‘all’ areas, is this really true. I think you are judging yourself harshly.
Has your manager pulled you up in any of it, started performance management?

Ifyu want a change then that’s one thing but don’t decide to have to move because you feel not good enough. I can’t tell you how many incompetent people I have worked with who carry on in seemingly blissful ignorance . If you are out if your depth you are certainly not the only one, ask to be sent on some training courses you need, negation skills, leadership skills whatever you think your main weakness is. I would also visit your GP for a chat, You do sound like you need some support and may have depression. What ever you do don’t give up your career because of depression and a lack of self worth, this could easily lead to a downward spiral. Good luck.

This was me a few years ago. Similar sounding industry as well.

Eventually I left. I fell out with my employer and we parted on bad terms (they were very unsupportive and gaslight-y). I decided to retrain in a completely different field and while I was waiting for my course to start, I began seeing a counsellor. I’m not saying at all that this is the case in your case, but counselling helped me understand that I’d been dealing with quite severe complex PTSD since childhood and had been barely functioning in the world. Viewed through the lens of C-PTSD, it was amazing that I’d ever managed to even get as far in my career as I did. But mentally I was nearly destroyed.

What it made me realise was that life really is too short to spend your days feeling sad, anxious and not good enough. Everyone is good enough. But if you’re not happy doing what you’re doing, you deserve to make yourself happy doing something else instead.

"Whenever I bring up concerns/say xyz is a problem to my manager I am told everything is fine, although more recently I can see my neediness is irritating him. In the background I’m cobbling things together to get by. There’s never any time for anything"

If your manager is telling you that everything is fine then I think that you need to believe him. And I think that you are fixing day to day problems as they go although you feel that you are cobbling together.

If you worked for me I would suggest that instead of listing each concern to the manager you should try and write a list of them and look at them all together on your own. Can you clump them into groups which could be fixed by one action and then begin advocating for that solution instead of raising each concern. (eg if admin proceedures are slow, and admin staff keep going off with stress, and they all raise that they are too busy then you could advocate for an additional member of admin staff).

It does sound to me like you are fixing things day to day so its more the strategic overall thinking which you could do with some practise at.

If you worked for me I would also suggest training on delegating and workload management if you always feel too busy. If you have a team you need to use them to stop you being so busy, so that you can focus on the things which could be changed to stop the whole team being so busy. Does that make sense?

Also, something interesting I’ve noticed now that I’m out of it is that my old industry does tend to attract people who are quite insecure and ‘damaged’ in some way. And I would’ve included myself in that description once. Maybe there’s some of that at play as well? Is the general environment a bit toxic?

Can you talk to your boss about how often and for what kind of reasons she wants you to run things by her? If you're new in post that's not an unreasonable thing to be asking.

We all make mistakes at work though, mostly they are not a big deal, sometimes they are but life goes on. If you can, try to Focus more on where you are going and how great things will turn out to be.

Re careers advice for adults, yes there are.

When I was made redundant, I was advised by a company, which helped with my CV, looking at transferrable skills, helping with how to look for work and so on

I also worked with a different company and they were just ok

I too am introverted and in a niche role

The company that helped offered Excel training. I think it was a couple of workshops. Don't be put off by Excel - it isn't hard to teach yourself the basics. YouTube videos and so on are useful

Another vote for thinking about ADHD or Autism, you sound a lot like me when I am in the wrong job and just miserable. If I were in your shoes I'd find an (online?) counsellor with extensive experience in those two areas and just have a load of sessions with them to unpack everything you are feeling, you might find it helpful. If you are somewhere on the spectrum, you could also currently be experiencing burnout, it's not an either or thing. I wish you loads of luck.

‘I am told everything is fine, although more recently I can see my neediness is irritating him. In the background I’m cobbling things together to get by. There’s never any time for anything.’

To reframe slightly provocatively..

You are a hard working, high achieving perfectionist and recently promoted, you meet your bosses standards and problem solve effectively.

… to your own cost, a bit of imposter syndrome.

You sound burnt out really, do you take regular holidays? Do you carve out some relaxed time for yourself every day 30 mins, every week a half day, every month a full day every quarter a week something like that brings structure and calmness to your day to day life routine.

Do you play hard? Take up something that absorbs your thoughts and comit to being a perfectionist at that also. In the end it could become your next career - rock climbing, horse riding, piano what ever floats your boat.

You are senior enough to ditch unnecessary tasks and delegate routine tidying up. Find an apprentice a couple of grades lower to mentor them by sharing the load - give them responsibility for parts of the bigger projects. Find a junior who wants a bit of overtime to do routine tidy ups. Just suggestions.

I agree with PPs. You need to buy yourself some time to destress and have space to think. It sounds as though you think everything is outwith your control.
Take time off as sick leave (or holidays if you don't want your colleagues to know you're sick). Go see your GP. You might be depressed. You might have anxiety.
Have a look at your contract. Are there options for flexible working or going part-time? Make an appointment with a career advisor.
There might be options to move sideways or to another department within your current company. You might decide to leave and retrain. Anything and everything is possible. Recognising this currently isn't working for you is a good first step.

I am hard working and conscientious but just can’t cut it, I feel like I’ve ruined my credibility through some poor judgement and a lack of confidence leading to procrastination and indecision

In this case you have probably become quite the expert. Now it's time to give less of a f** and not to worry about getting things wrong, Instead, wing it a bit, lead don't follow. Do try and get some training or do further studies, read a book or articles either in your subject area or in an area related or even different area altogether.

Others don't lead very well in my experience so why should you do any worse? Mistakes happen, own them, learn from them it's part of your development and growth. Keep an open mind, trust yourself.

Do you have kids op? If you do, does your dh pull his weight? If you are burnt out you need to take a break.

@Surfwomble123 I can totally relate to you, I used to work in Advertising in London - super competitive, everyone wanted my job, I seemed to be able to get each job I went for but inside I was miserable and hated the industry and everyone in it. I was trapped by my salary, the debts I had accrued at that level and the inability to switch industries. In the end I had to just leave and get out of London as I was depressed and approaching a bit of a breakdown. I moved closer to where I grew up and just got an admin temping job which actually turned out to be a massive career change for me and I'm still in that industry now years later, with the same organisation that I started temping for, with no regrets. My salary was considerably lower but then so were my outgoings so it was manageable.

It's overwhelming when you're in the middle of it all and it seems like there's no way out. But there is. Try not to think of leaving that job as a failure. It's just the beginning of changing your life and wellbeing for the better. In a year's time life could be so different for you.

I would definitely recommend temping, just to give yourself some breathing and head space - and to reduce your stress and workload burden. You'll be able to think a bit clearer and start thinking about what you want to do in the future.

Perfectionism is incompatible with professional success IME.

Perfectionism is incompatible with sustainable professional success IME.

Can also relate. Excellent advice here. Just wanted to add that

-there is a way out, OP, please trust that there is even if you can’t see it;

• I’d lay odds that you aren’t as bad as you think you are;
• you won’t realise how unwell and foggy you are until you’re out of this and look back and then you’ll say holy crap to think I gave myself such a hard time!
• Good luck. Sending loads of positive vibes and wishes.

My manager seems to despair a little as I check in a lot - all of this makes me quite needy as I am fearful of making more mistakes/problems

This is very telling. It sounds as if you are wanting more reassurance from you manage. Typically, managers prioritise the things that are going wrong. It may be that they thing you are doing a good job and are happy to let you get on with it.

It is important that they become aware how you are feeling. I guarantee that any decent employer will want to avoid any damage to their business, so they need to know there is a business risk here.

Don't just get signed off by GP, give your manager a chance to get involved in the solution. Does the organisation have private health insurance, this is exactly when they come into their own.

To work out what reassurance you need to know they think you are going a good job, or to make changes necessary for you to succeed in your role or to move you to a role better suited to you.

Try reframing it less as a personal issue and more about the business risk. Any good manager will respond to that. If they don't, then do whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Good luck.

Goodness, I wrote all that and didn't mention my main point. In lots of business roles, we do essentially learn by failing.

Really good people are not scared to fail, or they would never run any risks. The point is how they deal with the problem.

Good luck.