I’ve fucked my career - how do I get out

[Surfwomble123]

I work in an industry where the pool of contacts is small and incestuous, it’s specialist so people tend to move within limited businesses and associated areas

I am hard working and conscientious but just can’t cut it, I feel like I’ve ruined my credibility through some poor judgement and a lack of confidence leading to procrastination and indecision

This is all I know and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I just have to write it all off - 12 years

I have some savings and can live frugally for a time, but I’m scared to walk away, even though it feels like all I can do

There are no contacts I can call on, I have made a mess in all areas. It’s made me act a bit odd when I have met people in person as I feel so bad, so personal relationships are non existent.

How can I see past the small pond I am drowning in?

I don’t feel I have many transferable skills, I just know how my industry works - no excel, project management, official type skills, no real training

Please help, I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

@DeepaBeesKit @Ginmaker I have been promoted and somehow I am running the show but I really can’t do it. Whenever I bring up concerns/say xyz is a problem to my manager I am told everything is fine, although more recently I can see my neediness is irritating him. In the background I’m cobbling things together to get by. There’s never any time for anything

If I do talk to my manager, what should I say? I can sometimes garble lots of detail which can be annoying. I want to be clear and concise when all I want to say to him is ‘You need to sack me’

I sound really pathetic, I’m not like this at work, it’s smiley face and a ‘let’s get this done’ attitude.

Depression?
Imposter syndrome ?
You haven't actually been sacked have you ?

It's a great time to go in to another industry so many places have vacancies. Being diligent and hard working is great for most places. I actually love a job with less responsibility - high flying career just isn't for everyone. I would leave! Go to a temping agency (also LOVE temping) you can try lots of jobs and see what else is out there for you! Job satisfaction can come from many different sources!

I wrote that before I saw your salary: is there no way you can change companies? Maybe you've just got a shitty work environment environment. I have experienced similar. I actually moved somewhere that was more traditional/hierarchical and it was so much fucking easier because everyone knew what they were doing - took all the anxiety and guesswork out of things. And when I did something wrong someone would just tell me and then help me fix it. It was such a relief.

@daretodenim

This is potentially more serious than you realise. If you don't have burnout, you will soon. Definitely go to the dr. I ignored the early signs of burnout and ended up in bed, unable to think - I mean my brain was just stalled. I couldn't remember thinks like "go to loo, brush teeth, feed cat". My body gave up too and I ended up crawling up the stairs because I was too psychologically exhausted. It sounds strange but it was awful.

It's really no joke and recovery takes months, if you leave it too long. The thinking "I want it all to stop" is something you need to listen to. If you don't, it will all stop, because your body and mind will force that. It's far far better to take early action. Go to the dr and explain what you wrote in the first post, all of it, including thoughts and not sleeping. There are stages of burnout, and you sound very much like you've entered those stages.

Been there, done it etc Please don’t let it get that bad OP, it’s never worth it. I left a very high pressure job because of it and it was a massive weight lifted off my shoulders. Yes we had less money etc but the relief was immense. It’s never worth wrecking your health and mind for work.

@PyongyangKipperbang

What do you dream of doing?

Is it doable?

If it isnt, is a watered down version doable?

I felt like this (although for different reasons) 2 years ago. I was working 65-70 hour weeks and was on my knees. Now I work in a supermarket on the tills and filling shelves. I know some people judge it as a come-down but you know what? I never had a single stress migraine during fulough. Had 2 during the 2 months I was back during the 2020 reopening and then got made redundant. Not had a single one since.

I'll take humping boxes of crisps over 16 hour days, constant pain and a 2 hour commute to and from kids who barely recognised me as I was never there.

OP, I get you. I’m on Zopiclone (drug of the gods) and was prescribed Sertraline a few weeks ago… but I knew the problem was work, not depression. Long hours in the family business, responsibility for every aspect of that business because my dad is not in good health, no life outside work for 15 years. I couldn’t see a way out and was constantly wired, anxious and exhausted.

It took a huge amount of courage to speak up and say I couldn’t do it any more. The ramifications — sell it? Close it? Redundancies? — paralysed me but the upshot is I finish at the end of October and my brother is returning to the fold to run it with his wife. Since I made my decision, I feel like a weight has been lifted and, at 46, my life is beginning again.

You are in a more fortunate position than me financially (I’m skint!) but I have a few housekeeping jobs lined up already and may even do my longed-for MA at some point. @PyongyangKipperbang is indeed bang on; life is short and your well-being must take precedence now. It’s hard to see clearly when you’re in the midst of fog so however you do it, take a step back and breathe and be brave.

I’ve amazed myself, frankly, and you have that within you too. Good luck!

I do think you might benefit from a change ultimately, but you also sound like your thinking is impacted by stress (the fuzzy head feeling, mistakes etc). I also work in a niche field (marketing related) and have had jobs that just didn’t suit me … finding a slightly easier job in a different company was a game changer for me

In the short term, I think you should pay to see a counsellor for support, and also to discuss if you have ASD/dyslexia/dyscalculia or any other issue affecting your work. A friend of mine who is a gp has been diagnosed with Aspergers in her 40s which explains lots of problems she’s had

I’d also suggest you read/google a book called ‘the art of extreme self care’ - it helped me, and my boss

Agree also in taking really good care of yourself: healthy food, fresh air & exercise, and anything you can do to get the load off you (cleaner, more childcare, food delivery etc) and relax as much as possible.

During a very stressful period at work I went for weekly massages which helped me : I’ve now changed to something easier so don’t need that sort of thing but it got me through

I also think @lottiegarbanzo makes some good points. Take your time and do what’s best for YOU, not for other people

I think you need some counselling to work on your self esteem and confidence. I bet that you're actually very good at what you do but you have a twisted view of it. 'Cobbling things together behind the scenes' to someone else would be 'instinctively and seamlessly solving issues as soon as they crop up'

The reason your manager is unhappy (neediness) steams from the lack of confidence so if you can fix this then that issue goes away.

You don't get to £65k and running the show if you're crap (unless you're an arrogant and entitled dick head which is a complete 360 to how you are!).

I can understand how this could affect how you feel about the job / work / industry and then it starts being self perpetuating. But honestly, if you could spend some time working on yourself and your self esteem you could find that in 6 months you feel completely different and start to really enjoy it!

As an aside, how old are you? The brain fog descends for many during peri menopause which can start early 40s...

Seems a shame to Chuck the towel in completely OP.
Ask yourself honestly if a degree of this negative feeling you have might be embarrassment or damaged self pride perhaps? You have to put wounded pride to one side if you can here.
I think memories, both good and bad, fade very rapidly in the business world. Lie low, keep your head down, but keep going. Time most certainly heals and you can pull through. Take things day by day.
Resilience and bounce back also speaks volumes about you in business …be a survivor OP.

... if you met me IRL I think I appear as quite normal, brave face every day. So getting signed off sick would be crazy, no one would believe me, ...

This describes exactly how I felt right up to the moment I went off sick last year. My manager did know that I was having some anxiety issues, but I don't think either of us realised how big they were until I completely seized up one day and told him I simply couldn't function.

When he (thankfully) told me to log off immediately and see my GP, I cried with relief. Had three weeks off. Kept in touch. Agreed what I would and wouldn't do on my return. It's been OK.

I've also seen other colleagues burn out with stress and they all looked perfectly in control right up to the moment they snapped.

Personally I found CBT really helpful to get my head back in the game and I'm now back at work and functioning fine. But on your salary, it also sounds as if stopping entirely and re-training in something more fun would be a perfectly feasible option.

Imposter syndrome could explain the lack of confidence and procrastination

It's awful to be in a job you hate. My DSIS was in that situation. Thankfully she was made redundant, which gave her a springboard to change direction. She earns around the same now, but in a related field, and loves it

Sadly my cousin is like a PP's husband. Hates his job, has been promoted above his confidence / competence, but feels trapped and won't leave. He is on a slow downwards spiral, and it's not pretty to watch

Wow......I am so sorry you are feeling so dreadful. Please take yourself to your GP and tell them how you are feeling. I am currently in a similar position and had a week off some diazepam to stop the teeth grinding/stomach churning/insomnia. I am dealing with crisis after crisis so cannot complete my actual job - so I am losing confidence and my reputation is being damaged. I am missing meetings and emails to manage priorities in a broken system. I know it's not my fault but deep down there is a voice telling me that I'm useless, incompetent and EVERYBODY knows this. Awful. Your managers actual job is to support you and help you critically reflect, give feedback, praise, support, challenge. I would suggest you book a 2 hour 1:1 and go prepared with your agenda to set out what you need. What is working well? What is your biggest challenge? What is out of your control? What is the learning from errors/mistakes? What is your action plan for self and work and what support do you need from your manager/team/org to achieve it. Get some career coaching privately. I have applied for a role with a 10k pay cut - not great but I'd rather stay mentally well. You can get thru this - let others know and accept help.

Have you explored ADHD and/or Autism?

I've been in your position and the least invasive things I can suggest are taking some annual leave to really take a break- get a cleaner to sort the house, arrange childcare, etc and take some time alone to read, think and just be! Also, when I was in this position, I ended up staying in the same career and gained a new perspective- antidepressants and better help the therapy service online really helped! There are lots of codes for discounts on the internet, and there isn't a waiting list for therapy. Its good to sound things out and a mental shift could really help you think and perform better if you used to like your job or just want to feel better at it now. An SAD lamp and vitamin D are always helpful for low mood in the winter too! My DMs are open if you want to discuss further, but I'd avoid drastic action atm until you've found your feet a little. Take care :)

in the short term would you consider some counselling, talking specifically around how you are feeling to do with this? It might help unpack something and then you might be able to deal with it with help from coaching or just approaching things differently.

Your story feels horribly familiar. I had a similar experience (very long hours, nothing I did seemed to go right, loads of self doubt, manager seemed exasperated with me etc). I eventually left and changed to a lower stress job.

Looking back, actually I was perfectly competent but the working environment was toxic. The fact that I was more of an introvert than others, and doubted myself made it easy for my manager to blame any mistakes on me and take credit for any successes. He was supported by his boss (who was also a close personal friend of his) so even when it was really clear that I was not the problem I didn't feel that I could ever stand up or question him. This spiralled until eventually I was making lots of mistakes because I couldn't think straight and was terrified of messing up.

I realise now that I was close to burn out when I left, and what I really should have done was either move earlier or take some time off to get a clearer view. Like you, I put a brave face on at work etc but I realise now that if I had explained to a doctor how I felt each day I would have been diagnosed as suffering from poor mental health. I remember frequently thinking that I just wanted to escape and even wished for a physical injury or illness that would not be life threatening but would keep me off work for a few months

I used to feel like this in my old job. It’s a mixture of the job and personality. In your mind you are probably magnifying things that go wrong (otherwise more people would formally tell you things need to be bucked up).

Look on jobs boards for ideas of what else you can do. Be prepared for a pay cut - in my opinion pay cut is worth the reduction in stress. But carefully think about what you would like to do next. Once you have that backup plan you’ll feel a lot better (even though you don’t put it into action yet). I was planning, looking on jobs boards and building my skills for at least 3 years before I finally left (unexpected job opportunity for career switchers). I really enjoy new job in IT. Feel a lot more chilled out.

Just a couple of things to add...

Firstly, you say you're an introvert. A job that involves being wined and dined, and networking, doesn't sound like a great fit.

Also, that's an amazing salary but also a guilded cage. Money doesn't bring you happiness and I feel there's too much emphasis on career/status/money as measures of success in our society.

I'm currently looking to retrain in an NHS profession which offers a bursary. Could you do something like that?

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I relate to lots of what you're saying and have given up well paid jobs because they weren't right. I don't have any regrets though.

You sound at rock bottom, see your GP, get signed off, and make plans for the future. In my experience when you feel like this about a job it doesn’t change, and if you don’t take action you will just continue to feel more depressed. Good luck.

Based on your updates, it doesn't sound like it's the right job for you and that's absolutely fine.

I got a promotion because I wanted to get into a new area in my field and I thought I would apply for the job to show interest in the area as it seemed like someone else was a shoo-in for the job. Bad idea. I got the job and it involved a lot more management and people skills and it really wasn't for me. Eventually I found a role to step back and get back to the core tasks that I loved (and am good at). But it was really hard to find the energy to get something else while I was so drained by the day to day.

I am late diagnosed with ASD and it explained a lot about why the job wasn't for me. I could pretend to be the person who could do the job by masking my ASD (as I've done all my life), but underneath I knew that it was masking. The asking people how to do stuff never worked, because I was essentially I was asking an NT how to be an NT, which was never going to work! So my questions just seemed weird and needy and didn't really help me anyway.

Counselling for my ASD really helped with the job situation, but I did have to be off sick to really get my head right.

Sorry you are feeling like this OP. PP have given some great advice.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy has been mentioned and I agree. It helps you to figure out what your core values are. What matters most to you. If you can find a sense of that within yourself it might help you to think about your next steps. A book called The Happiness Trap is a really good starting point but there are loads of resources on the internet too.

I also can’t see in your thread if you are male/female etc and your age. The reason I’m wondering, and you don’t need to share it, but I’m female mid/late 40s and started to feel very much like this early 40s. I’ve figured out it was peri menopause and HRT has really helped. Just a thought.

I agree with PP that some time off could make the difference between sink or swim. If it’s hard to talk to your manager then you could write it down. BUT only you know if that would be helpful. Some managers are never going to be understanding. If you are UK based then employment laws should be fairly protective.

Mainly though you sound like you need some headspace away from lurching from one thing to another to figure out what’s going on for you. Talking to someone you trust or a counsellor/therapist IRL could be really helpful.

There are lots of vacancies at the moment in retail and hospitality, not to mention driving, try something different.

If you've been promoted it really is unlikely you lack capability.

I think you have major imposter syndrome. You also sound a bit like my BiL. He has this notion that he must work very hard which in his mind means doing long hours, however, those extra hours he is tired, unproductive and procrastinate so they are essentially pointless. He is then seen as "needing" to do all those hours to get the job done & thus not being smart. This reinforces his own poor self worth & becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

The few phases where he has "just" worked normal hours, switched off in evenings etc, have been the most successful of his career.

Take it easy OP. Burnout is a vicious cycle, but you can get off the hamster wheel, you just have to be brave.

Sounds like burnout.
Where are all the others (that are leaving) going to ?
Can you get in touch with one of them and ask their advice?

Take a few days off is the first step.

Get some help from a counsellor, life coach or a recruiter. You have loads of skills, you are just in the wrong place. Good luck.

@user1478172746

Have you explored ADHD and/or Autism?

This is exactly what I was thinking.

I have ADHD, autism and dyspraxia. I completely resonate with everything you're saying here, from not being very good with people to the feeling of making a hash job of everything because I'm never quite sure I'm doing exactly the right thing, or doing it the best way.

Speak to your GP anyway in the first instance but it sounds to me like you could be neurodivergent. A recent study found that ND people (without additional intellectual disability) are 2.5x more likely to suffer from anxiety disorders and depression is very common amongst undiagnosed ADHDers. The procrastination would also fit perfectly in those traits.

Op you would benefit from a counsellor or life coach - choose someone who is BACP qualified (ie. a proper trained therapist/ counsellor)