I’ve fucked my career - how do I get out

[Surfwomble123]

I work in an industry where the pool of contacts is small and incestuous, it’s specialist so people tend to move within limited businesses and associated areas

I am hard working and conscientious but just can’t cut it, I feel like I’ve ruined my credibility through some poor judgement and a lack of confidence leading to procrastination and indecision

This is all I know and I can’t see a way out. I feel like I just have to write it all off - 12 years

I have some savings and can live frugally for a time, but I’m scared to walk away, even though it feels like all I can do

There are no contacts I can call on, I have made a mess in all areas. It’s made me act a bit odd when I have met people in person as I feel so bad, so personal relationships are non existent.

How can I see past the small pond I am drowning in?

I don’t feel I have many transferable skills, I just know how my industry works - no excel, project management, official type skills, no real training

Please help, I can’t get out of bed in the morning.

I just want it all to stop and go away I think for your own sanity you need to make that happen, whether you get signed off or you quit.

There will be other jobs, you can train, you can learn. Soft skills are all transferrable and that's the bulk of 90% of jobs.

Get out now, you need a break.

I agree with the poster above. I’d recommend looking for something else. Anything else. Retraining or just a different field. You sound like you might be a lawyer. It all sounds quite familiar. Life is short. Trite as it sounds. Let’s start looking at other fields.

You need to speak to your GP. What does it matter if your colleagues think X, Y or Z if you want to leave anyway? Best case scenario you manage to pick yourself up and come back but it sounds right now you're so focused on whatever has happened you're not thinking entirely clearly and can't rationalise or get any perspective.

I agree with the previous posters that you should talk to your GP about counselling and sick leave. Don't think about what your manager etc. will think as it's all the same if you leave anyway. It will give you the breathing space to start to get well and the distance to look at other options.

This is potentially more serious than you realise. If you don't have burnout, you will soon. Definitely go to the dr. I ignored the early signs of burnout and ended up in bed, unable to think - I mean my brain was just stalled. I couldn't remember thinks like "go to loo, brush teeth, feed cat". My body gave up too and I ended up crawling up the stairs because I was too psychologically exhausted. It sounds strange but it was awful.

It's really no joke and recovery takes months, if you leave it too long. The thinking "I want it all to stop" is something you need to listen to. If you don't, it will all stop, because your body and mind will force that. It's far far better to take early action. Go to the dr and explain what you wrote in the first post, all of it, including thoughts and not sleeping. There are stages of burnout, and you sound very much like you've entered those stages.

I agree with others OP. You need to step back, get off the carousel and give yourself some time to re-focu and stabilise your mental health.
Whether that is sick leave, just walking away, or getting an easier or part time job in something completely unrelated.
The world is a huge place, if you can move forward with optimism and a positive view you are far more likely to succeed- so getting your head straight must be your number one priority.
Many people change career direction in life we don't get just one crack at the whip.
I did a degree in a science, worked in research for a long time then went to work in salesfor a scientific instrumentation company. Think DNA, sexy cutting edge technology, flying to Paris and San Francisco for meetings. Mega bucks, flash cars, bottomless expense accounts daily meetings with prestigious professors, powerful people, staying several nights every week in hotels.
Truth is I was a wreck inside. Even my friends and family saw me as successful, well dressed, always sunny and smiling- I must have looked like I was living a dream. My anxiety and low mood was destroying me.
I had to leave.
Now many years later I run a small business making and selling craft supplies- and love my work. I earn more than I did in my demanding job, but I get to stay at home and make things!
Many things are possible OP, but life is short.

This sounds like a health issue rather than primarily a work one. Would pay for counselling from someone well qualified - far cheaper than quitting your job!

Sound like, apart from in your own head, you have a secure job. Your career just isn’t going as well as you would like. So would stick with it until you’re feeling better..

If you’re looking to your manager a lot on things, try hard to stop that, apart from, in scheduled one to one meetings every so often, or things that genuinely call for ‘escalating’.

I have a MH issue and recognise some of this thinking. Exercise, not working silly hours, sleep and eating well, no alcohol, help. At times counselling has been very helpful.

‘Just walking away’could have huge financial, work and health consequences. IMO the idea that MH challenges are helped by doing this is simplistic, it might well be the opposite.

You are overreacting, it's never this bad. You just can't see this right now. In 6 months, when you have the chance to take a step back from this, you'll be puzzled as to why it seems so big.

You sound burnt out. You need some help: a therapist, a work coach. Someone. Don't try to get through this on your own. You haven't messed everything up - your brain chemistry is screwed from constant stress.

[quote Surfwomble123]@Frazzledd Thank you for the link - this resonates with me for sure

@DespairingHomeowner - many things have happened, every week something I have done incorrectly in the past comes up and steals some time, it’s a fire fighting job anyway but this on top means I’m always behind.

@expat101- I work a lot of hours and I’m asked why, I’m seen as a hard but not ‘smart’ worker. My manager seems to despair a little as I check in a lot - all of this makes me quite needy as I am fearful of making more mistakes/problems. I feel very anxious and full of dread, can’t sleep well - it’s paralysing

Sorry to seem so negative, I just want it all to stop and go away. Some people are leaving and they’ve said the feeling of ‘this no longer matters’ is glorious[/quote]
Imposter syndrome for sure. OP you are me! I have been in the same company for 12 years. I have been promoted 4 times. I'm being pushed for partner. Yet I feel like every job i do I have messed up and I'm scared of negative feedback so I don't maintain my contacts in case they tell me I did I did a bad job! That's my mindset playing games with me and the fact that like you I'm hard worker not a smart worker. I can do in 14 hours what someone without that mindset can do in 2 hours. I'm a catastrophiser and i behave like everything thinks I'm not capable before I've even started.

What you feel is normal for a perfectionist, high achiever. You need a good mentor to challenge your thinking some cognitive behavioural therapy might be good to calm the tyranny of your own mind!

Thank you for the advice, you’re all very kind. Sorry to hear some of you have felt the same, it’s inspiring to hear your stories of change

One of the big problems is not knowing what I want to do, or what I CAN do. I’m an introvert and most recently can’t seem to think straight, my head is fuzzy and confused. I am not very good with people, I can’t seem to get on with anyone - especially women it seems.

Are there adult careers advice people?

I earn £65k so not an easy salary to replicate. It’s not law, it’s an industry people aspire to and love and I see that my job would be super if I was different. Some of my colleagues are having the time of their lives travelling and being wined and dined, whereas I dread every trip and meeting - it’s like I’m broken!

I echo everything said by others - you need to seek help before you burn out. It won’t be as bad as you think it is. I’d love to know which industry you work in, but understand if you prefer not to say. Everyone has transferable skills! You are being far too hard on yourself.
Look at someone like Boris Johnson. A true example of someone who has made a huge number of mistakes and really can’t do his job. He should be feeling like you, but never would!!

I can believe your industry is like this, mine is (although much better on transferable skills). Get out. Its hard, but get out.

If I'm honest, you sound like a former colleague of mine who simply wasn't capable enough at the job. It was a mental stretch for him that wasnt sustainable, meaning constant errors and fuck ups, these bogged him down leading to more. Like you it led to a reputation he couldnt shake off.

He took too long to get on and do it but when he finally gave up and moved into something new, he is much happier now. He earns around 20% less, and the potential for very high earnings is far less, but his new job suits him far more.

How he did it was looked for internal opportunities in a different area, he relied on his team sort of wanting rid of him so supporting his move. Because he was an internal candidate he was prioritised due to a desire to keep costs down. This was a shorter term project but gave him a different experience that enabled him to move to a role outside our company.

Is there any opportunity for that sort of sideways move where you are?

It's hard to say without knowing what has actually happened, but I would say this. It often feels like you are stuck in a much worse situation than you actually are. I know you feel bad about whatever you have done, but do you really think people are still going to care in 3 months, 6 months, 2 years?

Often we let embarrassment overwhelm us when actually other people are much less concerned with whatever we are doing/ have done.

Whatever it is is obviously in the forefront of people's minds at the moment, but are you sure this is not something that will blow over and you just need to ride out?

It seems like a drastic move to completely abandon a 12 year career, and credibility can often be regained more quickly than you think. Everyone makes mistakes.

I think you need to talk to your manager OP. Have they said to You that they think you are failing at work or is this your view of your performance ?

Are there adult careers advice people?

Yes. National Careers Service. Give them a call.

My advice would be to stop the long hours, you've pretty much said no one appreciates it so please stop. My husband was like this - a perfectionist who desperately wanted to be perfect at his job and thought he had to work longer hours than everyone else - then he stopped caring so much about his job, stopped caring so much about doing things perfectly, stopped worrying so much about what others thought of him and stopped putting in the longer hours. He stopped checking with others that his work was ok (he had plenty of experience), which meant he stopped being needy and started to sound more confident because he didn't care so much about what others thought. He was a lot more honest and to the point with people and suddenly started to sound like he believed in himself. The year he stopped caring, stopped being a perfectionist, he got an award at work - the first in 18 years.

Stop doubting yourself - you have 12 long years of experience, stop checking in all the time with your boss - you have 12 long years of experience, stop feeling you have to work more than others - you have 12 long years of experience, stop caring so much about what others think - you have 12 long years of experience and you need to trust in that. Go with your gut, stop dithering and procrastinating and trust yourself and your experience. You can rebuild those relationships - just come back at them with a positive attitude and enthusiasm and people will forget what happened before because they don't care as much as you think they do about the past.

I would give yourself 12 months (or 6 months if that's too overwhelming) and see if you can turn it around. Stop caring so much (because you'll leave and do something completely different if it doesn't work out so who cares?) put in boundaries for yourself and remember all the experience you have and every lesson you have learned over 12 years - use it.

Completely out of the blue but have you ever considered possible having aspergers/asd? The self doubt, being over whelmed, and particularly the 'acting a bit odd' around people just made me wonder, especially as you sound exactly like my OH who has suspected asd.

Could you talk to a life coach specialising in careers to help unpick some of this? I don't know where you are based but I can recommend this one:
www.confidencecoachingforwomen.co.uk/

I am 50 and have started working in a job I have never done before. I always had desk jobs in the past and am now doing something completely different. Lower pay but I am happy. I regret all those years of working in a career that did not suit me.

Have you checked your perception of your performance against other people's? It sound like you're being very hard on yourself. Before you write off 12 years delivering and experience, are you sure your "credibility is ruined" and you've shown "poor judgement".

I've learned a good way to ask for feedback is to ask someone you trust "what would other people say about me?" so you're not asking them directly, but is a way they can give you some insight.

Basically - please don't accept your opinion of your performance as the only and final word!! Triangulate your information!

Be kind to yourself, conscientious people often end up feeling awful because they see a gap between how they think they should be vs the great job they're doing.

@Surfwomble123: there are adult careers people, but there are also a lot of con artists about. I used a reputable outplacement company when I was made redundant, can share details if it helps

Are you able to tell us what your industry is, so that people can make practical suggestions re sideways/related moves?

Also: which aspects of your current job are you good at, and which aspects are causing you problems?

Are the mistakes a recent thing; have you been promoted/changed role/taken on specific new responsibilities that are causing you issues?

And what has been said in your reviews, what has your manager said?

If the job is too hard in some way, can you find a job in your field that plays to your strengths? Equally, if after 12 years experience you are mid 30s, you have ample time to retrain in a new career if that would be best

Sorry just read your latest update and you don't sound quite like my colleague, I think for you maybe it's not capability/skills in that area but that your heart isnt in it? If you dont love the travel etc and aren't motivated in it its difficult/impossible to do your best work.

Instead of thinking what you are good at (v hard to self analyse this) focus on what motivates or drives you, as building your career based on this is how you will perform best.

Do you have energy & desire to turn it around?
Is there something you'd rather do?
Do you have responsibilities that need your income or can you severely belt tighten?

Honestly, hating your job is shit. We don't live to work most of our waking hours in something that makes us feel like crap, just to pay bills, get old & die.
Get out now whilst you have the energy & mental health.

Sorry I haven’t read all replies as I’m in a rush but please don’t write yourself off. While it’s possible you are depressed, you also could just be in the wrong job and your whole being is recoiling from it. I retrained and am doing what I’ve been doing for 15 years (and really suits me) after doing some jobs particularly badly throughout my 20s, despite really trying. It hugely knocks your confidence but as a previous poster said, it’s not you, it’s the job- or at least the wrong fit.

Again as I haven’t read the full thread I don’t know all your circumstances but take time off sick/ quit and take some time in a low paid less pressured work (I temped/ worked for a couple of friends/ took courses/ was a TA for a while), if at all possible, to try different environments and give you much needed headspace.

Good luck, you honestly have so much to offer in another work environment.