To think there's a difference between being nosey and being inquisitive?

[winningforhim]

Tonight my daughters dad phoned her whilst we were driving. A girl in my daughters class works for my ex so my daughter said that she seen him at school pick up this afternoon. My ex replied saying, 'yeah well it is usually him that collects his DD'. At that point I said, 'yeah I've noticed that, what does her mum do for work?' Ex replied 'I don't know, your mums awful nosey isn't she DD?'

Now I do ask people questions, 'did you have a nice break?' 'What do you do for work?' 'Do you enjoy it?' 'How old are your kids etc'. I like to show an interest because...well I'm interested.

I will ask questions about people, for instance DD is going to a wedding in December with ex and so the guy who is getting married I knew through ex so I asked, 'how is M doing these days?' 'Where is he working?' 'How long have they been together?' 'Where are they getting married?'

This obviously strikes my ex as me being nosey, however, I'm not asking these questions with any malicious intent or to spread information about. I'm not asking how much they earn or about there sex life.

It offended me that ex called me nosey in front of DD. I would say my personality is more inquisitive. When I said this to ex he said there's no such thing.

AIBU thinking that asking this question does not make me Nosey?

It's nosy as it wasn't your call to be listening in on and these people your ex knows has nothing to do with you.

I've found nobody truly is interested in what I do for work other than trying to size me up as to how much money I make so they can decide if I'm worth talking to or to look down their noses at me.
Sounds harsh but it's true.

I ’d say nosy, it’d be inquisitive if you were talking directly to the person in question, or if you were already acquainted with them. Jobs can also be a relatively awkward question. I’ve had people respond poorly when I’ve told them what I do (retail)- varying from acting like I’m a layabout, to someone recoiling and then ignoring me. It’s demoralising, and even more so when there’s other factors they’re likely to be judged on, like being a mum who doesn’t do the school run. There could be loads of reasons why her dad does the school run, and not always ones that people want to talk about.

My partner has autism and asks people a lot of questions. He does realise sometimes that he is doing it and trys to rein it in but sometimes he can't stop himself. Obviously because he is relaxed with me I get the full 20 questions.
If I meet someone during the day while he is at work he will either ask nothing about them when I get home (if he isn't interested in that person) or it will be every question he can think of however random (if they have siblings, their job, their children, how many they have etc) It can be embarrassing when he does it to people as the questions he might ask can be seen as very nosy, like if someone mentions their house he might ask when they bought it, how many bedrooms it is etc. Obviously people don't know he has autism.
I do try be patient but it can be very annoying! Although after writing that out and thinking about it, I feel bad for getting annoyed. I must try be nicer.

I think the only difference is the intention behind it.

I guess the nosy side is more selfish, wanting to know more to satisfy your own curiosity, where as the not nosy side is wanting to know more about the person out of a genuine interest. Since others don't know your intent, then it could be picked up either way.

@eisforemma but if you’re a skilled conversationalist you don’t have to ask questions. You draw it out of people in the course of conversation.
Lots of people like the pp you replied to quite happily talk to me and tell me everything about themselves although they hate being quizzed. Because I don’t quiz them.

Asking questions one after another which are either too narrow or too broad is a low effort conversational technique.

I have stopped asking questions of some people for this reason op and the same ones now think I'm awfully closed off and uninterested.
Some people are simply not on your side and will take every opportunity to have a nip at you.

@sammylady37

Oh dear, you sound awfully angry. Are you okay?

I’m not in the least bit angry, I’ve merely given you an answer you don’t like and pointed out how some others may perceive your behaviour, which is after all what your op was asking. Perhaps you need to reevaluate your understanding of what ‘angry’ means as well as ‘nosey’.

Exactly, @sammylady37. I thought that was an outrageous reply from the OP. She doesn't sound very nice at all.

How do you get to know people if you don't ask them about themselves?

Don't say they'll tell you, because why would you tell anyone things about yourself if they didn't seem interested?

If no one asks and no one tells they you don't get to know people. And getting to know people shouldn't stop at a certain age.

"Don't make personal remarks" was my mother's mantra. That is, mind your own business about other people's lives unless you've been invited to comment. It's quite difficult to live up to!

@echt

Inquisitive and nosey mean the same thing: undue interest in another's business.

This isn't mere pedantry; the OP sees a difference between her actions and what her ex says. He's a stirrer for making the comment passively aggressively to the child.

I'd go for interested (positive) v. nosy/inquisitive (out of order).

I would go with out of order given that she came from a judgemental place - ie why doesn’t the other mum do pick ups. I mean I doubt she asks why other fathers aren’t doing more pick ups. It comes across as trying to work out whether this woman’s job really warrants not picking up her daughter and she was already sticking her beak into a conversation that wasn’t directed towards her. I think this was a timely reminder by her ex that this is a bad habit to have got into and isn’t something they want to instill in their daughter.

It's easy to read judgement where there isn't any.
Half my family are on the inquisitive side and to be fair they are not judgemental in that way and for that reason it never crossed my mind that this sort of small talk was often deemed judgemental. And yes they'd be asking about what dads did too.

You draw it out of people in the course of conversation.

Wot @TractorAndHeadphones said ^

I am interested in people and love to get to know them better.

Nowadays, I am more careful and avoid asking questions about specific things, incase they do not want to tell me about those things.

Instead, I aim to give them space to talk about whatever they are interested in. For me, it's the best way of getting to know people better. Turns out what they are interested in is often more interesting any answers to the simple 'specific' questions.

Some people just do no want to open up and prefer to stick to small talk. Fair enough, they won't ever be my favourite people.

Most people, though, I've found, given the right situation, can become comfortable enough to talk about interesting things about themselves. It's about finding the right opening fir them. My mother called it finding their 'handle' , the way a handle lets you pick up saucepan.

@sillysmiles

How do you get to know people if you don't ask them about themselves?

Don't say they'll tell you, because why would you tell anyone things about yourself if they didn't seem interested?

If no one asks and no one tells they you don't get to know people. And getting to know people shouldn't stop at a certain age.

Asking someone 'how they are' allows peoples to tell you want they are comfortable with and shows that you are interested in them. For some it might be a 'a short answer, for others you might wish you never asked. The point being is that they are disclosing what they want to and the conversation doesn't feel like an interview with MI6. All the ' 20 question' people that I've met are all doing it to create a profile in their heads about someone to form a judgment on them, whether that's coming from a place of anxiety, or its because they are malicious gossips. It isn't because they are interested in those people.

@FinallyHere 'handle' describes it so well - your mother's a wise one ;)

@Stoppochoco exactly!
Also you can always get to know people by asking open ended questions, or creative questions and letting them take it from there, rather than something they have to answer accurately.

I think I've heard it all now. If you are nosy OP then I definitely am. The previous posters obviously haven't been to rural Ireland
I've visited rural Ireland I couldn't be arsed knowing anything about anyone third hand.
I detest nosy people born in the city, unless you're business concerned me or made me happy for you, I don't wanna know.
Again inquisitive nosy people are my sore point.

OP you are being inquisitive and open to the world and that is an excellent quality. Here in the UK people can be a bit stiff but after visiting and spending time in other countries this kind of thing is more relaxed and acceptable. I've been to places where I have been regularly asked things like "What does your father do" "why don't you have children" "how much do you earn", I absolute love it it's great! Much better than small talk about the weather. It would be considered very rude to do that here. I think being accused of being nosey is a relic of the Victorians in our culture here

It is a completely different scenario, asking someone who you are chatting to something about themselves, from butting into a conversation between your dd and her Dad, to start asking him details about a 3rd person.
It is odd that people can't see that.

I love talking to people and listening to people and getting to know people. I ask people about themselves - I like to think in a 'drawing out' way rather than a 20 questions way - because I find people's lives interesting, but that is when you are talking to that person, not asking someone else for information about their lives. Completely different.

OP if people call you nosey so be it. Just ignore it and enjoy questioning

It is a completely different scenario asking someone who you are chatting to something about themselves from butting into a conversation between your dd and her Dad to start asking him details about a 3rd person It is odd that people can't see that

Couldn’t agree more!

The dictionary lists both forms of spelling. Either 'nosy' or 'nosey' is acceptable

Sounds nosey to me ..

@eisforemma

The information I give MIL (all names changed)

Emma (DD) was playing with Lily after school in the playground.

MIL’s questions following my statement:

who is Emma
how old is she
what class she’s in
what’s her teacher’s name
where does she stay
does she have any siblings
how old they are
parents age,marital status and occupation

To me it’s all irrelevant and she doesn’t NEED to know half of that

The information is that Emma and Lily had a nice time together after school in the playground.

MIL’s offering: I went to co-op today to buy a chicken in the bag but they didn’t have any. I was looking for them on the shelf,I noticed Betty,you know Betty two doors down from Louise who had her dog put to sleep 2 years ago. Poor thing had a cancer,she spent a fortune at the vets,Betty told me.

Anyway,they didn’t have any so I went to Morrisons. I had to get one as FIL really wanted a chicken, he said he was fed up with eating beef all the time.
I went inside and there was Malcolm and Irene,she really should lose some weight. Malcolm was telling me about his brother Richard. Apparently his wife’s Marie’s second cousin twice removed had slipped on the spilled milk in the supermarket and broke his leg so they are very careful going round the shops now. So ah yes,milk. I got a bottle and was looking for yoghurts,they didn’t have the ones FIL likes on the offer so I grabbed the chicken and went home.

🙄🙄🙄

There is only so much of that I can take.

I love meaningful conversations and interacting with sensible adults.

I don’t have to get on with everybody and that’s fine. I don’t have TIME for everybody. Life’s busy with work,kids,ilnesses and appointments.
I DO make time for people important in my life and for crisis situations.
Sadly I have to prioritise sometimes.

Oh and we help PIL with several issues despite having a lot on our plate. Because that’s what families do.
I don’t have time for MIL’s blabbing. She would easily take an hour daily given a chance.

@IWouldLikeToKnow

My mother in law is like this. Always asking questions. She swears that she's not nosey, that she's just interested, but it really comes across to me like she is. Drives me mad.

MIL does that too 🤣 She once asked me how much my father makes. But she does it so casually that it shocks me 🤣

@winningforhim

I think asking what someone does for work is a perfectly reasonable question. Asking how someone's marriage is on the other hand is not reasonable.

Now I do ask people questions, 'did you have a nice break?' 'What do you do for work?' 'Do you enjoy it?' 'How old are your kids etc'.

I would have hated you asking what my family members ‘do for work’ (what an awful phrase).

Don’t do it, it’s rude and unnecessary.

You’re doing it out of idle curiosity, you have no business being ‘interested’ in the lives of people who don’t concern you.

The problem asking about work you may be touching a sore point about unemployment, illness, SAHP, carer or something else. Or someone simply hates talking about their job. It's not neutral and I avoid asking.