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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think there's a difference between being nosey and being inquisitive?

111 replies

winningforhim · 19/10/2021 19:30

Tonight my daughters dad phoned her whilst we were driving. A girl in my daughters class works for my ex so my daughter said that she seen him at school pick up this afternoon. My ex replied saying, 'yeah well it is usually him that collects his DD'. At that point I said, 'yeah I've noticed that, what does her mum do for work?' Ex replied 'I don't know, your mums awful nosey isn't she DD?'

Now I do ask people questions, 'did you have a nice break?' 'What do you do for work?' 'Do you enjoy it?' 'How old are your kids etc'. I like to show an interest because...well I'm interested.

I will ask questions about people, for instance DD is going to a wedding in December with ex and so the guy who is getting married I knew through ex so I asked, 'how is M doing these days?' 'Where is he working?' 'How long have they been together?' 'Where are they getting married?'

This obviously strikes my ex as me being nosey, however, I'm not asking these questions with any malicious intent or to spread information about. I'm not asking how much they earn or about there sex life.

It offended me that ex called me nosey in front of DD. I would say my personality is more inquisitive. When I said this to ex he said there's no such thing.

AIBU thinking that asking this question does not make me Nosey?

OP posts:
Original poster
winningforhim · 19/10/2021 20:24

I think asking what someone does for work is a perfectly reasonable question. Asking how someone's marriage is on the other hand is not reasonable.

OP posts:
CaptainThe95thRifles · 19/10/2021 20:26

I'd say inquisitive is about "things" - politics, history, cultures or whatever - and nosy is about individual people. The sorts of questions the OP is asking would strike me as nosy and a bit tedious.

Original poster
winningforhim · 19/10/2021 20:26

@ChubbyK well @sammylady37 said she would hate someone quizzing someone about her life like I'm doing. For Christ sake, I asked one question about the woman - hardly quizzing 😂. And her answer was rude - 'back off!' - she does so sound angry or rude and unable to articulate herself politely at the very least.

OP posts:
TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 20:27

@CaptainThe95thRifles

I'd say inquisitive is about "things" - politics, history, cultures or whatever - and nosy is about individual people. The sorts of questions the OP is asking would strike me as nosy and a bit tedious.
Yes this is the best put! Also it's inquisitive if the person encourages the other person to think , nosey if it's just a list of biographical facts
Palavah · 19/10/2021 20:28

@winningforhim

I think asking what someone does for work is a perfectly reasonable question. Asking how someone's marriage is on the other hand is not reasonable.
In context yes - when you meet someone new and are getting to know them, or someone's telling you about their new friend /romantic interest.

You asked as a non-sequitur about someone you'd never met.

Original poster
winningforhim · 19/10/2021 20:29

@TractorAndHeadphones so it would be better to ask what's so and so's opinion on current politics?

Or hello, I just met you but what do you think about brexit?

OP posts:
Original poster
winningforhim · 19/10/2021 20:29

@Palavah had met her several times.

OP posts:
Annonnimoouse42 · 19/10/2021 20:30

DH calls it 'the 20 questions' - I'm genuinely interested in people and like talking. He is the opposite.

DeadGood · 19/10/2021 20:39

[quote winningforhim]@TractorAndHeadphones so it would be better to ask what's so and so's opinion on current politics?

Or hello, I just met you but what do you think about brexit? [/quote]
You’ve misunderstood

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 20:50

[quote winningforhim]@TractorAndHeadphones so it would be better to ask what's so and so's opinion on current politics?

Or hello, I just met you but what do you think about brexit? [/quote]
The point's gone over your head.
Having looked at the dictionary defintions - the first is what we have meant when we said inquisitive:
"having or showing an interest in learning things; curious."

The second is what we mean by nosey:
"unduly curious about the affairs of others; prying."

It is also one of the definitions of inquisitive.

Knowing people's marital status etc isn't of intellectual value. It's just information about them like I said that would be collected on a census form.

Wanting to know how the world works, opinions etc is different. Asking what they think of Brexit is rather blunt isn't it? It's like you're interrogating them, demanding an answer to a question that means many things to many people.
However if you mention a specific impact and ask them what they think e.g. shortage of HGV drivers, what do you think about it the question is more natural. And once they reply you can build on their answer.

Sometimes it's not about being nosey or otherwise but the flow of conversation.

Asthenia · 19/10/2021 20:51

I ask questions OP…nothing intrusive but I’m genuinely interested in/curious about people! A good friend of mine called me nosey recently and at first I was offended but then I thought about it and realised she never asks anyone anything as she’s usually too busy talking about herself Grin
Some people just ask more questions than others! As long as it’s not inappropriate it’s fine and most people like to talk about themselves.

CaptainThe95thRifles · 19/10/2021 20:51

Whilst I think you'd learn more about someone by asking their thoughts on Brexit than what they happen to do as a job, there are also less controversial political topics for the faint hearted polite introductory conversation.

TractorAndHeadphones · 19/10/2021 20:53

Also OP - the main thing here is that you're upset your ex called you nosey.
Even if you are he should not have said that to you in front of your child

Kite22 · 19/10/2021 20:54

tbf - In your OP, which one would reasonably expect a poster to put "their side" you sound very nosey.
If I've understood it right, you weren't even in this conversation - it was your dd and her Dad, and you were ear wigging (understandable if it was on speakerphone), but in that scenario, it isn't your place to butt in with questions (unless it was to do with some practical arrangement about getting dd somewhere).
Nor is it your place to ask your dd's Dad about other people's lives. If you are friends with this people (or people you just meet for the first time), then perfectly legit to bring up in a conversation with them what job they do, but asking someone about other people is nosey.

3scape · 19/10/2021 20:58

It's quite 1950s/ Tory to be so "inquisitive" about people's jobs in that way. You're ex thinks you're nosey because you are.

Chasingsquirrels · 19/10/2021 20:59

I don't think there is much difference, you are inferring a negative connotation to nosey that you don't to inquisitive. Not everyone would make that sake judgement.

To think there's a difference between being nosey and being inquisitive?
To think there's a difference between being nosey and being inquisitive?
BurntO · 19/10/2021 21:30

As I said, I think it’s nosey. But perhaps just change your perspective of nosey Grin I can admit I can be nosey. I am fine with that considering I don’t gossip to others and despite my nosiness I am genuinely rarely judgemental. I just find people interesting.

Thatsplentyjack · 19/10/2021 21:40

Tonight my daughters dad phoned her whilst we were driving. A girl in my daughters class works for my ex so my daughter said that she seen him at school pick up this afternoon. My ex replied saying, 'yeah well it is usually him that collects his DD'

This confused me for so long! So the girls dad works for your ex.

Yeah you di sound a bit nosey OP.

PeriChristmas · 19/10/2021 22:27

Well I find it weird when people don't ask questions about anyone else!

pumpkinpie01 · 19/10/2021 23:32

So do I but a lot of people don't , they just talk about themselves . I read once ' when you talk about yourself you are repeating what you already know when you 're asking questions and listening you are learning ' and it's true . I call taking an interest being a people person , not nosy .

FrenchBoule · 19/10/2021 23:39

Everything what @IWouldLikeToKnow said.
I have MIL like that. She drives me bonkers asking for an info she doesn’t need.
To be fair she offers the same information in return (which I neither want or need).
It’s mentally exhausting

eisforemma · 19/10/2021 23:45

@FrenchBoule

Everything what *@IWouldLikeToKnow* said. I have MIL like that. She drives me bonkers asking for an info she doesn’t need. To be fair she offers the same information in return (which I neither want or need). It’s mentally exhausting
See people like you sound very unpleasant. Your MIL asks questions - drives you bonkers. Your MIL shares things about herself - you don't want or need to hear it. She can't really win then can she? She may as well sit quietly and not speak to avoid upsetting you.

It sounds like very hard work being around you if both asking questions or sharing makes you unhappy. People can't talk about politics, history, culture and the bloody telly constantly.

PixieLaLa · 19/10/2021 23:52

I think the big difference is asking questions
to someone in conversation but it sounds like what your doing is asking questions about other people which does sound nosey, I can see why your ex would find it a bit annoying.

IgiveupallthenamesIwantedareg0 · 19/10/2021 23:55

I'm not in the least bit nosy, I just want to know everything!

shampooing · 19/10/2021 23:58

@IWouldLikeToKnow

My mother in law is like this. Always asking questions. She swears that she's not nosey, that she's just interested, but it really comes across to me like she is. Drives me mad.
My MIL is exactly like this, always asking questions about my family that are none of her business. Also telling me stuff about other people that is personal to them and I have no desire to know (about her friends' marriages or financial situations). She spends a lot of time what she would call 'musing' and I call being nosey. "I wonder how Elizabeth can afford that new car" and when I say I don't know or care she can't understand that I'm being truthful, I don't give a fuck how Elizabeth affords the car because it's not my business.

@winningforhim you do sound pretty nosey, some people I know are nosey and admit it, and I just tell them to stop being nosey, but you describe being nosey but are then offended when your ex says you are nosey. Is that because it's him who said it? If a friend said you were nosey would you consider it more objectively?
I have some very nosey relatives, we all know they're nosey and they don't deny it. We can call them out on it and have a laugh.

As a general rule I don't ask people about their jobs or whether they have children, for conversation starters or people I don't know I stick to safer topics, food, the weather, what they like to do. If we become friends more personal information will follow, and if we don't then I don't need to know.