DH won't go part time

[parttimemary]

We have two DC aged 5 and 21 months.

I currently work 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week. Eldest DC is at school and goes to after school club 2 days a week (we juggle our hours to do pick up on the other days). Youngest DC goes to nursery 4 days a week.

I feel very guilty about DC being in nursery 4 days a week and would feel more comfortable with 3. But I can't find a suitable job which offers those hours unless I take a big pay cut which we can't afford. I submitted a flexible working request for my current role but it was turned down.

When eldest DC was at nursery, DH and I both worked 4 days a week so that we only had to use nursery for 3 days. I felt this was the right balance and I've asked DH to do this again but he won't. It would almost certainly be approved but he didn't enjoy being part-time with our eldest, he felt it was hard to do his job properly and like he was shut out of certain things (I also feel like this about being part-time!) He also says that all the groups/activities were aimed at women and he always felt like the token dad (again I do see his point).

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.

How do we decide who is right on this one?! Is there an option we haven't considered? We have no family support locally so nursery is the only option really.

Hmmm...no comments but so far all the votes say I'm being unreasonable...

He is right though, that if your DC enjoys being in nursery then you have no need to feel guilty about it. What's making you feel guilty about it specifically?

I don't think you can make him do it.

You need to lose the mum guilt it’s an big burden to carry and it’s problematic
Your dp is right to keep working and no you can’t compel him to drop hours
Plus you’ve both had the experience of being excluded as pt workers, and constantly catching up
He’s been fair he tried part time and didn’t like it. So let it go
Do yourself a favour lose the mum guilt it’s a hinderance

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.

I agree with him.

That's tough. I don't think there is a right answer and nobody is being unreasonable (which is a bit odd for Mumsnet!)

For what it's worth, I don't think there's any issue with a nearly 2 year old being in nursery 4 days a week.

But if your DC does enjoy nursery what's the problem?

Go back to him with a financial plan that shows the difference between you taken a lesser paid part time job vs him taking a day off and saving a day in nursery fees.
There isn't a right or wrong, but the only issue seems to be your feeling guilty about the youngest being at nursery for an extra day.

So your husband is to be unhappy, feel left out at work, have his long term career prospects possible damaged, and feel uncomfortable at baby groups, all because you feel uncomfortable at your child doing 4 days at nursery instead of 3?

Yes YABU. Your heart is in the right place, you have mum guilt and feel bad as your other child had three days and not this one, but its ok to do it differently this time and it will not harm your child at all, they will be perfectly happy so dont worry!

I understand where you’re coming from as I actually stayed at home with mine for a few years. However, I think your husband is right. If you’d DC are fine with your chosen childcare, why rock the boat when you don’t have to?

Yabu
Your DH can no more insist you go part time than you insist he does

It really is about your guilt , I agree with DH. Your DC2 is fine in nursery - he's only doing 4 days a week as it is. You're picking up DS from school early on 3 days a week so feel free to collect DC2 from nursery early after getting DS on 2 of those days.

It's quality time that counts & it sounds like you have some long lovely evenings with your DCs already

..I meant you're picking up DS from school time end which is early end to working day on 3 days a week between you...

You feeling guilty about the extra day in nursery is not more important than your H's feelings about going part time.

It sounds like you've both worked flexibly when required. As long as youngest dc is happy this extra day in nursery is your issue not your H's.

It sounds like nursery works really well for him. It’s a short time in his life- I’d say your balance with 4/3 days in nursery and at home with him is fine.

Don’t feel guilty

Sounds like you have a good set-up

Could you both ask to do a 9 day fortnight?

This doesn’t reduce the time DC spends in nursery but it does mean it’s fairer in terms of both of you having an equal juggle and equal impact on career prospects. And also means you don’t get expected to do all the housework/life admin “because you are part time”.

I don’t think reducing DC time at nursery is a good reason to change things but I do think the above reasons would be.

I think you need to drop the guilt. That's on DP. And I agree with him, if he is ambitious then he probably does need to be full time.

His reasons are valid (he’s experienced what pt women usually experience) He’s tried it and not liked it. To be honest I see no difference between child in nursery 3 or 4 days. They won’t remember it and will have zero impact on their future. Lose the guilt.

Him being part time will be a good option when the kids are older and are school. Maybe see if you can compromise that way?

I’d keep your powder dry for navigating the school hours for both kids of 8:50-3:10 and 14 weeks of school holidays.

You can't force him to go part-time anymore than he could force you to go part-time. Your DC is happy in nursery - surely that's all that's important?

Forgive me but did you not consider this before having the (apparently obligatory) second child?

I'm with him on this one. Many children your youngest's age are in nursery 5 days a week and thriving on it. Address your guilt, your child will be absolutely fine.

I agree with your DH.

I would also add that colleagues of mine who have tried different part time combinations have always said, never go down to four days. Because it's "only" a 20% reduction in hours the expectations re. workload still remain the same. Management talk the talk, but in reality you're just expected to squeeze the same amount of work into four days rather than five. So I can see why he didn't think it worked for him.

1. He doesn't want to.

1. Your child is happy in nursery.

1. Different children will have different life experiences. You need to accept that other you will tie yourself in knots trying to treat them identically