DH won't go part time

[parttimemary]

We have two DC aged 5 and 21 months.

I currently work 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week. Eldest DC is at school and goes to after school club 2 days a week (we juggle our hours to do pick up on the other days). Youngest DC goes to nursery 4 days a week.

I feel very guilty about DC being in nursery 4 days a week and would feel more comfortable with 3. But I can't find a suitable job which offers those hours unless I take a big pay cut which we can't afford. I submitted a flexible working request for my current role but it was turned down.

When eldest DC was at nursery, DH and I both worked 4 days a week so that we only had to use nursery for 3 days. I felt this was the right balance and I've asked DH to do this again but he won't. It would almost certainly be approved but he didn't enjoy being part-time with our eldest, he felt it was hard to do his job properly and like he was shut out of certain things (I also feel like this about being part-time!) He also says that all the groups/activities were aimed at women and he always felt like the token dad (again I do see his point).

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.

How do we decide who is right on this one?! Is there an option we haven't considered? We have no family support locally so nursery is the only option really.

Mum guilt is a pita, but I found it got better once I worked out that people would judge me (or certainly, I'd feel they were) no matter what I did. So I may as well say "sod them all" and please myself. Do what suits your child, and your family.

I have to admit, I feel jealous of your DH for being able to confidently say "nah, I'm not doing that" when many women in a similar position would feel much more pressure to comply, despite not wanting to.

Why do some women give mum guilt so much head space?it’s a social construct. Men don’t feel guilty for working,being reliable and providing for family. I’m heartened to read you’re not all in a guilty quivering state

Having worked PT for a few months when I went back after DC2 I totally see where your DH is coming from. I wouldn’t consider PT again either.

Part time is worst of all worlds

Inevitably you do extra to keep up but are always categorised as just or only part time. Even when you probably do ft hours checking email etc

You inevitably miss out and are subtly excluded when you are not there

You are definitely being unreasonable. I tried part time and it didn't work for me so my sons (1 and 3) are in full time nursery 5 days a week. I'd be absolutely furious if my husband tried to pressure me into dropping down to part time again just because HE felt guilty. I'm feeling angry just imagining it!

@EspressoDoubleShot

Part time is worst of all worlds

Inevitably you do extra to keep up but are always categorised as just or only part time. Even when you probably do ft hours checking email etc

You inevitably miss out and are subtly excluded when you are not there

That’s not been in my experience.

Your childcare situation will never be as easy as it is now, it gets much harder when they're at school so save this argument until then.

@iggly her dh has been pt he felt overlooked as did op actually
Ime colleagues who are pt regret it,certainly that’s what they tell me

I think posters are being hard on OP here. Just saying ‘drop the guilt’ isn’t helpful, or frankly even possible. That said, as it’s you that feels the guilt, OP, and not your husband, I do think it’s up to you to change your hours if you want the extra day with your child. Good luck.

I know a couple who both did part-time work when their children were small and they felt later on that it meant both pension pots took a hit - it did make me think about that aspect. They both did the same job and earned the same salary so the split of who worked what didn't really make a difference for them. It is a tricky situation to navigate.

How are the financies split in your house?

Would he be good with you going fulltime?

Yes he would be fine with it! To be honest he would be happy with me doing any working pattern I felt comfortable with as long as it wasn't too detrimental to our family finances (but the only options I've been able to find are 4 or 5 days).

How are the financies split in your house?

We each have a small amount of (equal) spending money and everything else is pooled.

We earn roughly the same on a full-time equivalent basis.

@RowanAlong

So, does the op remain in a guilty state, a perpetual state of turmoil. Are you saying one can’t change or modify feelings, that if one feels something it cannot be changed. No point?

Feelings,thoughts behaviour can be modified & adapted If one tries and purposefully engages to disavow self of unhelpful unhealthy feelings
Actually it’s helpful to tell op to drop the guilt because it is possible. She doesn’t have to remain locked into unhelpful unhealthy irrational guilt

Unhelpful is accepting that change is nor possible and she’s stuck with the mum guilt

What happens in school holidays?

A lot of juggling! We basically tag team with annual leave, DH's work has an office near his parents' house so he takes our older DC to stay with them for a week and combines it with business meetings, sometimes my mum comes to stay for a week and looks after older DC, and I've used unpaid parental leave before as well.

What's wrong with 4 days at nursery? Try to take some AL here and there to shorten the weeks if they are unwell etc. But otherwise no need.

I understand the guilt but also let it go. DH and I both had full time working parents, they prioritized us outside of working hours always as you are with juggling pick ups etc. we are both really close to our families. Quality of time with parents and good quality childcare (we both had beloved nannies + great preschool teachers I still remember) is better than quantity of time with parents for the sake of your own guilt.

I came on to make a similar point to @ChicCroissant. You have to,look at this long term. Your children are needy now but you will (hopefully) be old one day and you will need money to live on then. Money going into pension pots while you are still young has a long time to grow and will make a big difference when you retire. So to lose 20% of DHs income and 20% of his pension contributions could have a very negative impact on your joint old age.

If your DH wanted to do it I might say screw the pensions. If your DS was unhappy at nursery I would definitely say screw the pensions but as they are both happy with the status quo I think you need to balance some irrational mum guilt against financial security in old age.

For the sake of one day it’s not worth the hassle and in the nicest way your DC will be having way more fun at nursery than with their parents

Your child is happy at nursery. The only person who will benefit from dropping a day is you. That’s not fair on your DS or your DH.

Another who thinks your dh is right.
He has tried it, and found that working PT in his role left him feeling like he was always behind / missing things / disadvantaged - so why would you want that to happen ?
I agree with him that your dc is happy in Nursery, so what is the problem ? Doesn't even sound like it is very long days if you are collecting other dc from school some days.
Even before you say it makes sense financially for him to work FT and your little one to go to Nursery 4 days.
I really can't see anything to support your argument.

he felt it was hard to do his job properly and like he was shut out of certain things (I also feel like this about being part-time!)

If you both feel hindered by being part-time, you’d be crazy to willingly have both of you in that position at the same time.

Yup. Part time didn’t suit the op or her partner both disliked it and felt hindered

I see your point OP but I don't think its' healthy for someone to be made to be a stay at home parent.

I agree its frustrating that he is not prepared to take the loss/knocks to career etc that many many women take! I think men are less prepared to do that sadly.

The argument around toddler groups being for women is lame tbh as I always think about that point - do men think we love all that shit? I didn't but I did it for my children!

Anyway, it's a real shame but there is no point him doing it and being unhappy - your little one still gets 3 days with family and will survive and indeed thrive.

It sounds like the reason for asking him to go part-time is about your feelings rather than your children's clear needs. So, unless you and DH talked about what child care would look like before you had DC2 and DH said he'd go part time again, I think YABU to expect him to and you should accept his decision with good grace.

I think it's a bit murkier than that as I realise most of us are guilty of not having those conversations as clearly as we probably ought to. I can see that there may have been some expectation there that things for DC2 would be the same as DC1, especially if DH hadn't mentioned how much he hated it the first time round. But generally speaking - you are asking DH to take an emotional hit for you and your family to take a financial hit just because you don't want the emotional hit your feeling. And you don't seem to have made any case as to why he ought to do that instead of you dealing with your misplaced guilt.