DH won't go part time

[parttimemary]

We have two DC aged 5 and 21 months.

I currently work 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week. Eldest DC is at school and goes to after school club 2 days a week (we juggle our hours to do pick up on the other days). Youngest DC goes to nursery 4 days a week.

I feel very guilty about DC being in nursery 4 days a week and would feel more comfortable with 3. But I can't find a suitable job which offers those hours unless I take a big pay cut which we can't afford. I submitted a flexible working request for my current role but it was turned down.

When eldest DC was at nursery, DH and I both worked 4 days a week so that we only had to use nursery for 3 days. I felt this was the right balance and I've asked DH to do this again but he won't. It would almost certainly be approved but he didn't enjoy being part-time with our eldest, he felt it was hard to do his job properly and like he was shut out of certain things (I also feel like this about being part-time!) He also says that all the groups/activities were aimed at women and he always felt like the token dad (again I do see his point).

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.

How do we decide who is right on this one?! Is there an option we haven't considered? We have no family support locally so nursery is the only option really.

YANBU for asking him to go part time but at the end of the day it's his decision. And your working hours are your decision.

They're his kids, so he should take responsibility too. Yes, kids can be boring. Yes being part time can undermine you at work (though it ought not to, we know in some places it does).
All the more reason for you to share the crap 50/50.

Whether there is really a need for the child to be 3 days and not 4 depends on how happy it is and how much it is thriving with the arrangements. If it is, then that's an argument he can legitimately use not to make the change. But not the others above, because they apply to you both.

YABU. You are uncomfortable, you make changes. Your current set up is fine and is what most parents have to work with. I honestly cannot see what difference it will make to your DC to drop a day. If there was a time to drop a day then perhaps during the nursery settling in period but I cannot see any reason now.

I'm FT and wouldn't be happy if DH was pressuring me to drop to PT - especially because dropping one day almost never results in a drop in workload.

It does feel though that DC is happy at nursery and seems to cope with it better than our older DC who used to get very tired even on 3 days a week.

OP you've acknowledged you don't know why you feel guilty, except a full time working mum isn't what you grew up with (a SAHM) but that was then... not now.
And you acknowledge your 2nd DC is perfectly happy at nursery 4 days a week.

You or DH finish early 3 days a week so you get to see more if your DCs and pick up eldest from school home time. That's such a luxury, an extra 3 hours/ day in those days of prime time cute lively children stuff (9 hours a week) with DC1 & you could get DC2 early from nursery on way home so that's your extra days worth of time there without compromising either of your work.

I think you should relegate Mum guilt to the old fashioned cupboard it came out of and recognise you & DH are doing great for your DCs and yourselves. And enjoy the time you do have with them.

I'd be most unhappy at DH trying to make me drop to P/T because he thought I should, particularly if I'd clearly explained why I didn't want to.

I also think your DH would be really foolish to reduce his long term career prospects, which part time work almost certainly would. He has a wife and two very small children. It's not unreasonable of him to want and expect to work full time.

You can't dictate someone else's choices.

What's the problem with DC2 being in nursery four days? It sounds ok.

Why reduce two people's career prospects in place of one? What's the benefit? Is it worth it, in the sort, medium and long term?

I can understand you feeling that you shouldn't have to sacrifice your career progression, or that the hit should be shared. Less so that he ought to scupper his, just for the sake of 'fairness'. Equal ops suffering.

If you wanted to go to five days and were asking him to drop to three, that might seem more reasonable, comprehensible anyway, as there'd be a more obvious 'goal' in mind.

I do see that your goal is short to medium term work / life / family balance and about you providing the best set up for DC2 and giving yourselves the greatest opportunity to spend time with him/her during those fleeting pre-school years.

Your problem is that your DH doesn't actually want to spend that time with DC2. You can't make him want that, for himself. You might be able to make a case for it being beneficial for the child.

Is there any possibility of you changing jobs, to one that would allow you to work 2.5 - 3 days for now, with FT prospects later?

YANBU unreasonable to want him to work 4 days. It’s a real shame he doesn’t want to spend extra time with his young DC if you can afford it.
But ultimately this one is his decision and he is NBU to choose not to.
Nothing wrong with 4 days of nursery.
(Incidentally it took me 4 years of gentle encouragement to get my DH down to 4 days and he does whinge a lot about fitting work in. My job has magically compressed to fit into 4 days)

Is there any possibility of you changing jobs, to one that would allow you to work 2.5 - 3 days for now, with FT prospects later?

To be honest I sort of assumed this is what I would do but it turns out those jobs aren't that easy to find...I am literally applying for one this evening though so you never know!

I don't understand why you want to pull your child from having 4 days at nursery when they are perfectly happy. It it ain't broke..
It's a different scenario altogether if they are deeply unhappy, clinging onto you for dear life at handover and are not progressing.
You're doing your child a disservice by being governed by your mum guilt.

Are you going to address the guilt or accept as inevitable and drop hours
If you didn’t like being pt 4 days and felt it adversely impacted upon you how will it work to be 2-3 day per week?

EspressoDoubleShot
I wasn’t suggesting that you can’t change your feelings. I was suggesting that just telling her to buck up and drop the guilt about putting child in nursery four days was insulting. If she was able/wanted to do that, she wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. She feels guilty about the four days because it doesn’t sit right with her... I was suggesting she take action - try again to reduce her hours - in order to change that and thereby put an end to the guilt.

I would have thought nursery can be very beneficial for a child (assuming they enjoy it, of course). There is so much to learn there, stuff that you wouldn't encounter at home. It will stand them in good stead for school and all that it entails. What a great start!

This thread has made me feel loads better about DC being in nursery 4 days. It's true that she does love being there, they do great activities and the food is really good so I don't know why I've internalised it as being "bad" and home as "good".

Also, it has made me realise that to be fair to DH he does pull his weight to cover school holidays for our eldest and we also share drop offs/pick ups so it's not that he's totally checked out.

*30GiltEdges

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.*

If it were reversed I would tell a woman that she was under zero obligation to reduce hours and salary and certainly not to sabotage her career. So this is what I'd say to your DH (and you) too.

You don't need to feel guilty. Why do you? Is just "a mum thing"? There really is no need.

They're his kids, so he should take responsibility too.

He is taking responsibility, as the OP has repeated. He agrees with the OP that their dc is happy in Nursery, and he is happy at work, and it is financially better for the family this way, and - like the OP - he dips out of work early to collect them regularly during the afternoon.

Yes they’re his kids and he’s involved this isn’t an absent dad
He tried being pt and it didn’t work, they were both unhappy
Being responsible doesn’t mean buying into destructive mum guilt . Responsible is having a balanced overview and not being over wrought because no one other mum in the neighbourhood works