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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH won't go part time

92 replies

parttimemary · 19/10/2021 18:20

We have two DC aged 5 and 21 months.

I currently work 4 days a week and DH works 5 days a week. Eldest DC is at school and goes to after school club 2 days a week (we juggle our hours to do pick up on the other days). Youngest DC goes to nursery 4 days a week.

I feel very guilty about DC being in nursery 4 days a week and would feel more comfortable with 3. But I can't find a suitable job which offers those hours unless I take a big pay cut which we can't afford. I submitted a flexible working request for my current role but it was turned down.

When eldest DC was at nursery, DH and I both worked 4 days a week so that we only had to use nursery for 3 days. I felt this was the right balance and I've asked DH to do this again but he won't. It would almost certainly be approved but he didn't enjoy being part-time with our eldest, he felt it was hard to do his job properly and like he was shut out of certain things (I also feel like this about being part-time!) He also says that all the groups/activities were aimed at women and he always felt like the token dad (again I do see his point).

Financially we could make either option work although are better off with DH working 5 days. His argument is that DC is fine going to nursery 4 days and enjoys it and he doesn't think that me feeling guilty is a good enough reason to reduce his hours when he felt it made life much harder than it needed to be last time and affected his long-term career prospects.

How do we decide who is right on this one?! Is there an option we haven't considered? We have no family support locally so nursery is the only option really.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 19/10/2021 18:56

He is right. Why should he drop a day, feel left out of things at work, do something he didn’t enjoy with your older son, because you feel guilty, all for a sake of 2 years when the child will go to school

The child is enjoying it, so stay as you are

Lipsandlashes · 19/10/2021 18:57

If you can afford nursery and your DC is happy, what’s the problem? I agree with your husband, part-time working can be incredibly damaging to ones career. Your nursery DC will be in school before you know it and then your husband will be scrabbling to try and get back his full-time position.

Athomewiththehales89 · 19/10/2021 18:58

Yanbu, I think if this was regarding any other aspect of shared care people would jump to say your husband was being unreasonable but there is definitely a bias on MN when it comes to nursery, presumably because most people have children there full time. These years with your children are so short, the magical you get years even more so, if you can afford it then I would always choose to have the time with them

AutumnLeafy · 19/10/2021 19:00

I think if DC is genuinely happy then it's up to you to sort out your working pattern if you want to have DC at home longer. If DH and most importantly DC are happy with things as they are then you can't expect him to change.

AutumnLeafy · 19/10/2021 19:00

I'd feel the same if it was DH who wanted you to reduce your hours.

AutumnLeafy · 19/10/2021 19:01

These years with your children are so short, the magical you get years even more so, if you can afford it then I would always choose to have the time with them DH doesn't feel the same though it seems.

SW1amp · 19/10/2021 19:02

Is it specifically the nursery setting you don’t like for 4 days, or do you just not want DC away from a parent for that long?

If it’s the former, how about a nanny or childminder for the 4th days as a compromise..?

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 19:06

Essentially you can’t compel him so best you park this now,it’s a no goer

Original poster

parttimemary · 19/10/2021 19:07

Thank you for all the comments! It is definitely helping with the mum guilt

I don't even really know why I feel guilty tbh. My own mother stayed at home with me and I live in an area with quite a few SAHMs or mums who work very part-time (1-2 days per week) so that doesn't help. I feel like I'm doing it all wrong I guess. I also find things I read on mumsnet about the perceived negatives of nursery really stick with me.

It does feel though that DC is happy at nursery and seems to cope with it better than our older DC who used to get very tired even on 3 days a week.

OP posts:

ChocolateLover2000 · 19/10/2021 19:08

It would be great if he wanted to go part-time, but he doesn't and you can't make him. Nor can he make you work part-time incidentally, it has to be something you work out as a couple. If he's happy doing 5 days, you're happy with 4 and your child seems happy too then leave it.

toomuchlaundry · 19/10/2021 19:12

What happens in school holidays?

MadeOfStarStuff · 19/10/2021 19:12

YABU

he doesn’t enjoy part time and it affects your family finances and his future career prospects (and therefore your long term finances). And your child is happy at nursery anyway.

Don’t let your irrational guilt override everything else

Stanleyville · 19/10/2021 19:12

Would he be good with you going fulltime?

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 19:14

Mn is full of nursery nay sayers who enthusiastically regale with horror stories about camp Guantanamo for babies. They are enacting an agenda and are best ignored
I live in an area with lots of housewives and yes I get the i don’t know how you do it (head tilt). Women who don’t work really aren’t best place to discuss the machinations of working. They’re clueless. Don’t be whipped up into a guilty frenzy by housewives

Rainbowsew · 19/10/2021 19:17

@parttimemary

Thank you for all the comments! It is definitely helping with the mum guilt

It does feel though that DC is happy at nursery and seems to cope with it better than our older DC who used to get very tired even on 3 days a week.

I had this and my mum was a sahm with no career or education and I felt judged by her and my aunt, except I probably wasn't but I felt guilty. The thing is I know I was a better mum on the days off I did have with my dc than if I'd been off all the time with them. I liked feeling like I mattered at work it kept me sane and my brain busy and myself esteem higher than if I'd been at home on my own most days and now they're approaching their teens I am able to do more for my career, I have completed a course and am on the next banding pay wise.

Don't forget to that nursery do a lot of activities that children enjoy but are a pain in the arse to do at-home. The messy play, the cooking, the painting. They have social interaction with a wider circle of friends than just the same mums and kids round for coffee, different toys to play with. I could go on there's plenty of positives if you look for them. I know my sahm didn't do half that stuff with me and siblings.

Don't feel guilty, if your child is happy and you can afford it dont stress over it.

Inthemuckheap · 19/10/2021 19:21

Turn it around and see your DC as fortunate to only go 4 days a week.

In my country kids go to nursery/childminder full time from a really young age and then school full time from 30 or 36 months as SAHM is the exception rather than the rule.

I don't get this British pearl clutching about nursery/child minders.

amter · 19/10/2021 19:30

I totally understand your feelings. I am FT with 3 children, youngest is 18 months and I hate her being in nursery so much. I am dropping to 4 days soon.

Why don't you suggest condensed hours for DH, 5 days over 4.5. That way your youngest does 3.5 days in nursery and DH still feels that he is at work every day?

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 19/10/2021 19:31

If your child is happy then its really a non issue. I can see this being a problem if they are miserable or have SEN and cannot do that much time at nursery. Are you happy being part time though? If you wanted to go full time and felt it was his turn to take the part time hit, that's a different issue.

Bumblenums1234 · 19/10/2021 19:31

I think I might be broken, I feel no guilt whatsoever in ds going childcare 5 days a week. I feel it is good for him to mix with loads of kids (especially after the lockdowns)

Guilt is a useless emotion for anything other than crime. You child is happy, you DH is happy, you could be happy too if you stopped trying to compare yourself to other people.

Pebbledashery · 19/10/2021 19:31

I think you need to put your mum guilt aside on this one. It's different if your DC isn't enjoying nursery but they are, they are most probably flourishing. It's also unfair to them to revoke a day when they are in an established routine.
Your dh is right on this one, your mum guilt is going to wrap your children up in cotton wool and not allow them to have these important social experiences.
Don't push your husband to do this is if he's a) already tried and b) has expressed how he's felt. Your child will be at school 5 days a week in the future, the earlier you prepare them the better.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 19/10/2021 19:34

I’ve been trying to suggest the same to my OH who also just says no!

Xmasbaby11 · 19/10/2021 19:38

He's tried it and doesn't want to do it again. That's fair enough. And I don't think there's a magic perfect number of days for nursery so try not to feel guilty about 4 days. Everyone who it affects is happy.

Boshmama · 19/10/2021 19:43

I totally agree with you. Why should it always be the mum who sacrifices her career/ finances etc by going part time. You are already down to four days a week and dealing with the negativity of that, plus your instinct is telling you little DC needs more time with a parent.

I think four days a week is a lot for a 21 month old when they could be home with a parent for one of those days. Soon they’ll be at school and he can go back to full time, this is such a short stage for him to take a small sacrifice for the good of his family.

Have a read of pregnant then screwed and lend a copy to your DH.

EspressoDoubleShot · 19/10/2021 19:48

The husband has been pt before with DC1 he didn’t like it & hindered progression
There’s a presumption after a baby that someone (usually mum) go part time Instead both maintain full time
I don’t think women should be guilty or go part time
I also don’t think he should be compelled to drop hours to assuage her misplaced mum guilt

Failingatlifemiserably · 19/10/2021 19:48

My daughter does 7.30am to 5.00pm five days a week at nursery... I feel no guilt whatsoever...
Everyone is different, I get it... But your child is happy at nursery.

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