To not have answered the door?

[PissyMum]

I’m a single mum with two young dc. I separated from dh nearly 2 years ago but still living in the family home until he decides what he wants to do with it (long story). It’s a massive, crumbling house that we bought as a young, hopeful couple and it’s increasingly impractical to live in. There are constant leaks, floorboards collapsing and all manner of various catastrophes have happened in the house over the last couple of years. The most recent issue I’ve had is that I’ve realised that the garage door is completely insecure. I’d been locking it as the key was turning and it was making a ‘click’ sound but only realised a couple of weeks ago it wasn’t actually doing anything and you can just lift up the garage door and walk straight in. The garage leads on to a couple of falling down stone rooms (old stables, I think) and then straight into the house so this is obviously a massive security risk. A new garage door has been ordered and I’ve ordered new, lockable internal doors but for the next week at least I’ve just created a bar that blocks the door shut into the main house if you were to access from the garage.

About half an hour ago (so 10pm ish) I heard knocking at the back door. I ignored it although I was clearly in, I just stayed quiet upstairs. Then the front door was knocked, I ignored again. Then I hear footsteps down the side alley leading to the garage and dial ‘999’ on my phone in case they do actually try and break in. I then hear the sound of the garage door opening, peep out of the window and see it’s my bloody mother 🤦‍♀️.

She’d been to her friends house down the road and wanted to give me one of my dc’s t-shirts back that he soaked when he was at hers the other day. I asked her why she didn’t either use her key (she’d forgotten it) or ring me (she didn’t want to wake dc up). Now she’s absolutely furious with me for being melodramatic and not opening the door. She says she could have been someone needing medical attention or someone letting me know I’d left my car headlights on and I always think the worst of people.

If it makes any difference I live in a very safe area, neighbours directly across the road who I could’ve screamed at if I needed help. I just don’t feel safe opening the door at 10pm, especially when I know my house isn’t currently secure. This may be related to me living in what I consider a fairly spooky house and having watched Paranormal Activity last week but I don’t think I’d open it under normal circumstances either.

Aibu and dramatic? I didn’t dial 999 or do anything other than not open the door and silently get myself in a state.

Mumsnet is weird for this. YABU.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not opening the door when you’re not expecting people though. What if it was someone who wanted to come in and my house was a mess? I’d hate that.

So why start a thread asking if YABU if you obviously don't think you are?

@user1493494961

You could have 'peeped out of the window' at the first knock and seen it was your Mother, thereby saving yourself all this drama.

Maybe her house is like mine. There are no windows that enable me to see who's at the front door. Or the back door, come to that.

Last year we had the police knocking on our door at 10.45pm.
I nearly had a heart attack because obviously the police coming unexpectedly to your door at that time is never good. However they got the wrong house and was responding to a crime that happened 6 weeks previously. Seriously!

I think it's odd that her first thought was to go round the back of your house late at night. She shouldn't have done that.

I wouldn't open the door late at night and more so if I'd already got ready for bed. I can't see who is at my door, but I guess I might call out and ask who is it.

I'd also never turn up at someone's house after dark unannounced.

But, to be fair, burglars don't knock anyway so unless you have some reason to believe that a hit man is after you, I don't think you need to be scared of people knocking on your door.

sweeneytoddler emergency services aren’t in crisis as a result of people not dialling 999

There’s no way I’d be able to see who is at the door from an upstairs window unless I stuck my head right out, in which case I might have well opened it.

@user1471462428 I can understand the police getting fed up with it but they had to deal with it. You actively decided to continue to involve yourself and then held your neighbour responsible for your own actions.

I wouldn’t have opened the door either.

I wouldn’t have answered it

YANBU, OP. Could your mum not just have shouted ‘Jane, it’s only Mum - are you in?’ Even if she could see the lights were on, how could she have known you weren’t in the bath or on the loo, or had simply dozed off? Who on earth thinks ‘I know - I’ll try to get in through the garage’?

I always see the ‘But what if it was someone in need of help, or trying to tell you your house was on fire?’ responses on these threads. Do these people never think to yell ‘HELP!!!’ or ‘Quick, your house is on fire!’ at the top of their voices? If you believe Mumsnet, they all wordlessly knock a couple of times, then walk away huffing and puffing about how rude it is not to answer the door (or limp away because their leg is hanging off, but shouting for help hadn’t occurred to them).

@user1471462428

Well the police were there waiting for her to come down so I didn’t really have a choice, completely wasted their time as they had several other cars to inspect and a drink driver to find. The damage was entirely to the rear end of her car but maybe I should have just left her to drive off in it!!! The police were like this over her not answering the door 🙄

This still wouldn’t have taken ‘half a working day’. If the police were there anyway, surely they could have knocked on the door and shouted ‘Police - can you open up please?’ Most people are unlikely to refuse to open the door to the police. It doesn’t add up that they were stood around long enough for you to waste lots of time on it (and for them to eyeroll at her refusal to answer) but never once tried to get a response themselves.

You could have put a note through the door if you were that bothered. But then again, that wouldn’t have put you at the centre of the drama, would it?

There is nothing wrong with not answering the door at 10 pm. This is no time for visitors to call without notice - even relatives - unless its an extreme emergency. Your mother was being thoughtless and is out of order.

I never answer the door if I'm not expecting a visitor or delivery. I did for 15 years and 99% of the time it was a chugger/salesman/itinerant worker with a sob story or package for a neighbour. The 1% that were welcome visitors is fine, but almost everyone I know will phone or text ahead and not just turn up unannounced.

Sure there might be an emergency - but if someone shouts "call the police I'm being raped" or "your garage is on fire" that's more likely to get my attention than just knocking on the door!

I always see the ‘But what if it was someone in need of help, or trying to tell you your house was on fire?’ responses on these threads. Do these people never think to yell ‘HELP!!!’ or ‘Quick, your house is on fire!’ at the top of their voices? If you believe Mumsnet, they all wordlessly knock a couple of times, then walk away huffing and puffing about how rude it is not to answer the door (or limp away because their leg is hanging off, but shouting for help hadn’t occurred to them).

This 🤣

@user1471462428

Well the police were there waiting for her to come down so I didn’t really have a choice, completely wasted their time as they had several other cars to inspect and a drink driver to find. The damage was entirely to the rear end of her car but maybe I should have just left her to drive off in it!!! The police were like this over her not answering the door 🙄

Very weird that the police just stood around whilst watching you knock on the door. Perhaps they were all hungover and couldn't be arsed doing anything that day?!

In my experience the police always knock themselves, and if you don't answer initially they will announce that they are the police.

Popping around 10pm at night in the dark after bedtime without texting or calling, then sneaking around trying the back door handle and trying to get in through the garage, is bizarre behaviour. Anyone would be frightened it was untoward /possible burglar.

All over this over your DM dropping off a t shirt that could have waited til daytime or posted through letter box. Didn't want to wake the children but happy to scare the bejesus out of her daughter.... hmmmm...

10pm is defined as nighttime hours (not evening hours) by social care for purposes of home visits.

Zero chance I would answer my door at 10pm at night to unexpected visitor unless they were ringing & ringing the doorbell shouting for help or a fire, or shouting through letterbox to say who it was . I wouldn't be happy with an unpegged caller trying to force their way in my house, trying all the doors at that time of night either (nor any time)

Probably because I'd already be asleep

My mum would get told off on no uncertain terms if she ever did this. But then my mum is lovely and would be so apologetic if she'd scared me or had been thoughtless.

OPs mum is bizarre, thoughtless and someone who clearly thinks she's always right even when she's in the wrong .

Tell her off again OP and that she's never to do that again! I'd be saying that's ridiculous behaviour there's no excuse.

Unexpected not unpegged 🤣

Also I don't know one police officer that would be cross for being called to a suspected ongoing break in at 10pm to a woman on her own with children. Or to anyone. Even if it turned out to be someone's silly mother.

The police if they arrived in blues and twos are far more likely to tell OPs mother not to do that again and to knock during day time hours for non essential visits like reasonable people do.

@WhereIsMumHiding3

Also I don't know one police officer that would be cross for being called to a suspected ongoing break in at 10pm to a woman on her own with children. Or to anyone. Even if it turned out to be someone's silly mother.

The police if they arrived in blues and twos are far more likely to tell OPs mother not to do that again and to knock during day time hours for non essential visits like reasonable people do.

Years and years ago (think I was about 19) I was driving back really late (midnight?) the narrow back roads from my boyfriend's house.

A car pulled up close behind me. No room to overtake, but it was really close. I could make out a driver and a passenger, both I thought, male. Then they started flashing their lights.

I did a quick glance down to see if I'd forgotten to turn my lights on/any error with the car. No. Then they got really close to my boot and heavily flashing, which was both frightening me and blinding me. Two men, trying to pull me over, at midnight on a country lane, with no houses around for miles.

I sped up, they matched my speed. I put my foot down and changed my route to drive straight to the police station in my town. It was only when we reached the outskirts of my town, around 5 minutes later, and streetlights, so I could see their car, that the idiots put their blue lights on.

I pulled over immediately. They told me to get out of the car, and I quite literally lost my shit. No I wasn't "speeding," I was scared out of my mind trying to get away from you! How the hell was I to know you were police? Why the hell didn't you put your blue lights on, back there when I couldn't see a thing, I could have crashed at the speed I was going trying to escape? What woman in her right mind, pulls over at midnight, in the middle of nowhere, to two random men chasing her car and flashing her? They went quiet for a moment and actually apologised.

It's the same thing as your mother. Once you know who it is, it's fine. Until you know this, the potential alternative can be incredibly frightening.

If you are a lone female I recommend getting one of those voice changers from Amazon and setting it to a gruff male voice. Then you can shout "Who is is?" in an aggressive manner that will put off anyone with a bad intent.