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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not have answered the door?

120 replies

PissyMum · 18/10/2021 22:45

I’m a single mum with two young dc. I separated from dh nearly 2 years ago but still living in the family home until he decides what he wants to do with it (long story). It’s a massive, crumbling house that we bought as a young, hopeful couple and it’s increasingly impractical to live in. There are constant leaks, floorboards collapsing and all manner of various catastrophes have happened in the house over the last couple of years. The most recent issue I’ve had is that I’ve realised that the garage door is completely insecure. I’d been locking it as the key was turning and it was making a ‘click’ sound but only realised a couple of weeks ago it wasn’t actually doing anything and you can just lift up the garage door and walk straight in. The garage leads on to a couple of falling down stone rooms (old stables, I think) and then straight into the house so this is obviously a massive security risk. A new garage door has been ordered and I’ve ordered new, lockable internal doors but for the next week at least I’ve just created a bar that blocks the door shut into the main house if you were to access from the garage.

About half an hour ago (so 10pm ish) I heard knocking at the back door. I ignored it although I was clearly in, I just stayed quiet upstairs. Then the front door was knocked, I ignored again. Then I hear footsteps down the side alley leading to the garage and dial ‘999’ on my phone in case they do actually try and break in. I then hear the sound of the garage door opening, peep out of the window and see it’s my bloody mother 🤦‍♀️.

She’d been to her friends house down the road and wanted to give me one of my dc’s t-shirts back that he soaked when he was at hers the other day. I asked her why she didn’t either use her key (she’d forgotten it) or ring me (she didn’t want to wake dc up). Now she’s absolutely furious with me for being melodramatic and not opening the door. She says she could have been someone needing medical attention or someone letting me know I’d left my car headlights on and I always think the worst of people.

If it makes any difference I live in a very safe area, neighbours directly across the road who I could’ve screamed at if I needed help. I just don’t feel safe opening the door at 10pm, especially when I know my house isn’t currently secure. This may be related to me living in what I consider a fairly spooky house and having watched Paranormal Activity last week but I don’t think I’d open it under normal circumstances either.

Aibu and dramatic? I didn’t dial 999 or do anything other than not open the door and silently get myself in a state.

OP posts:
HarebrightCedarmoon · 19/10/2021 05:09

Can't remember I when I last heard of that happening to someone who wasn't already mixed up in criminality

I live in a safe area but burglaries and intruders are not uncommon. DP's vehicle was stolen from the street as well. Mostly intruders will be looking for car keys.

StrawberryJamSandwiches · 19/10/2021 05:24

@Nat6999

I live in a flat & turn my intercom off unless I'm expecting anyone to call.
I do this. I don't think you are BU OP. I wouldn't have opened it either. Your mother should have just called you to tell you she was outside/it's her knocking.
torquewench · 19/10/2021 05:44

@HeartsAndClubs

Not answering the door is one thing, but calling 999 is definitely over dramatic and a waste of police time and someone else may have missed out on genuine help because you were being over dramatic.

I suspect your mum was annoyed because you were so dramatic as to ring 999 because of someone knocking at the door.

A burglar really isn’t likely to knock at all doors just to check you aren’t in.

Knocking on doors to see if you're home is exactly what they do, if you answer they usually come up with some bullshit about looking for customers because they're starting up a new milk round, or telling you theyre a handyman out looking for business and your guttering needs repairing.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 19/10/2021 05:48

@TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat

If I spontaneously decided I was going to pop over to my daughter's house at 10pm to drop something off, I would call or text first, and then if I hadn't received a response I would possibly still go, but would knock on the front door. If there was no answer, I would leave.

There is no way in hell I would turn up at that time, unannounced, and then upon not having my knock answered, go round the side of the house and try and let myself in through the garage. That's ridiculous behaviour and your mother should be embarrassed.

This ^

Your mother should not be "furious" at you or calling you jakes, she should apologise for scaring you and turning up at ridiculous o'clock 10pm for something that could and should have waited til day time the next day.

I'd have been furious myself at grandma for doing this even if she'd let herself in my house. At night when she wasn't expected.

DeepaBeesKit · 19/10/2021 05:52

I answer the door unless in the bath or something. But then I'm very chill about security, we live in a terrifically safe cul de sac in a low crime village. If someone rang my door at 10pm I'd assume it was an emergency and they needed help or something.

rrhuth · 19/10/2021 05:52

@HappyDays40

I do find the whole not answering the door thing weird to be honest. Where I live people just answer doors.
Where I live, people vary and we are tolerant of unimportant differences.
TwinsandTrifle · 19/10/2021 06:04

No OP. Yanbu.

Your mother didn't think. It didn't occur to her that creeping around your house, late at night, in the dark, unannounced, no answer to her knocking, and essentially breaking in through the garage is actually incredibly frightening, when you have no reason to think it's your mother.

What would have really pissed me off, is it's one thing not realising she acted like this, but when she did see how it actually looks, and how rightly frightened you were, she got angry and defensive to try and justify what she did.

I did this a few years ago, and it was the same thing. It was dark, very late at night, all my downstairs lights were off, me and DC in bed. And there was this "tap tap tap" on the front door. I thought, who on earth is this at this time of night? Then I heard the front door handle being tried. I crept out of my room and looked on my drive, there was no car. No one I know lives within walking distance of my house. Then the tapping moved to the back door of my house, and I could hear someone very quietly trying the handle on that too. That was enough. 999 straight away. I was terrified, went in DC room and got him and hid in a big wardrobe together as the woman on the phone told me someone was being dispatched and to stay on the line. They were here in minutes. It was my fucking ex.

He "just wanted to talk" and hadn't called or text to ask first, because he thought I'd have said no. Had parked round the corner, on the road and not on the drive for reasons known only to himself.

The police weren't angry at all. And told me they'd rather people called them out and discover they weren't needed, than for someone not to call, and end up.... well, however. They were here and gone again within 5 minutes.

I was furious at him. It was genuinely terrifying. Of course it's not when you know it's your mother/sister/muppet ex, but that's information only they know. To you, it's anyone but them, because if they were planning on dropping by, unexpected, in the pitch black, they'd text or call first.

So basically, it's what do I do, if I hear someone I don't know, when I don't come to the door, trying to let themselves into my house, at night, and I'm alone with small DC in the house. You call the police.

I've got cameras up covering both doors and the driveway now. So I can identify someone innocently creeping around should that ever happen again. It never had before, and never has since, which again, tells you how normal it is for someone you know to be creeping around your house in the dark.

HeartsAndClubs · 19/10/2021 06:06

Knocking on doors to see if you're home is exactly what they do, if you answer they usually come up with some bullshit about looking for customers because they're starting up a new milk round, or telling you theyre a handyman out looking for business and your guttering needs repairing. during the day yes. But not at night. At night it’s possible to shout “who is it” and then just not answer.or get a ring doorbell so you can see who it is.

I have a dog who barks loudly at the door and I don’t stop him. No burglar would want to come in if they heard him. He doesn’t bite, but they don’t know that.

Dizzy1234 · 19/10/2021 06:18

Yanbu, I wouldn't open the door at 10pm especially if I were alone with DC as you were.
My OH works shifts so I'm often alone at night, family or friends would ring me first. Otoh my family and friends wouldn't knock on my door at 10pm as its too late and they wouldn't want to scare me.
I think you're right, if you're not expecting someone you don't answer the door when your alone at night, it could have been anyone

DDivaStar · 19/10/2021 06:19

I wouldn't have answered. However I would have asked who it is, if the answered 'a baddie, I'm going to rob you' I wouldn't have let them in. If it was someone I knew but didnt want to let in I'd just say sorry I'm settling dc. Not sure why it matters if they see you through the glass....

On the other hand your mum could just have texted, then you'd have known it was her !

LaBellina · 19/10/2021 06:20

YANBU. I also don’t answer the door if I’m not expecting anyone and I see a stranger standing outside. I’m alone with my toddler during the day, I think safety is more important for us then to be kind to strangers who might want something from us.

Keladrythesaviour · 19/10/2021 06:22

Has nobody got a security chain these days?
If I didn't want to answer the door, I'd stick my head out of an upstairs window.
In your situation I'd be more worried about looking like I wasnt home - burglars sometimes check if anyone is in by knocking at the door before then going round and trying doors/windows at the back. If they see you are home, they'd scarper.

Personally I'd get some CCTV installed.

StoneofDestiny · 19/10/2021 06:32

Hell no, someone knocking at my back door at 10 pm would freak me out too. I'd not have wrung 999 though, just not answered it. Your mum was a tad insensitive to just pop over in the pitch dark to the back door at 10 pm!

Best thing is to get your security sorted out, get lights that come on as people approach and get the garage door secured.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 19/10/2021 06:40

I wouldn’t have opened it to a stranger but I would have called through the door asking who was there. As your mum said it could have been a close relative having an emergency or a neighbour trying to pass on a message. Or just someone lost/in trouble who had somehow ended up in your garage. If I didn’t recognise the voice and they claimed to be in trouble I would have offered to call the police for them (without opening the door). If a cold caller or dodgy I’d warn them about loose dogs or something and threaten to phone the police.

Your mum should have texted to let you know it was her but she probably didn’t think or realise you were alone.

Wheelz46 · 19/10/2021 06:43

I can't believe how many people say they would just open the door at 10pm, low crime area or not, absolutely no chance!

We have had chancers trying to break in, although they would be very disappointed as they would think I have already been burgled as I am very minimalistic 😅

We have had 1 who just tried the door on the off chance it was open, thankfully I always lock the door, that was late at night, I happened to be sat in the room with just the TV on low with no lights on.

Another time, they just tried to break in, crushing the door handle. They could be seen on a neighbours CCTV running off when my partner turned the lights on.

I always said, I would pretend to be asleep if I thought someone was trying to break in but I would definitely go put the lights on, unless they were already in the house then I definitely would be under those covers!

I wouldn't usually expect relatives to announce a visit but 10pm, you want me to open the door, you call me at my doorstep to a announce your arrival!

FawnFrenchieMum · 19/10/2021 06:49

Nope I wouldn’t have answered either at 10pm when not expecting someone.

As others have said though, invest in a ring doorbell. Any motion flags up and you can check whose there and even speak to them via the camera. I love mine.

SunshineCake1 · 19/10/2021 06:49

You've done nothing wrong. Your mother is a prat.

Joystir59 · 19/10/2021 06:49

Noone on MN ever opens a door unless they are expecting someone.

NumberTheory · 19/10/2021 06:54

@HarebrightCedarmoon

Can't remember I when I last heard of that happening to someone who wasn't already mixed up in criminality

I live in a safe area but burglaries and intruders are not uncommon. DP's vehicle was stolen from the street as well. Mostly intruders will be looking for car keys.

Yes, most intruders are burglars interested in items of value. They are really not interested in attacking people, even if those people are women, living alone and wearing PJs. Being seen through the door by a would-be burglar will deter them, not encourage them.
DockOTheBay · 19/10/2021 06:55

If I went down and saw it was a baddie, he’d see me too and I was in my PJ’s so not ready for a fight
Why would a "baddie" knock on the door? Especially a glass door where you could obviously see who it was and just not pen the door, therefore not needing a "fight". I think you're really overthinking this. Have your previously been a victim of a home invasion so it's in your head a bit more?

TwinsandTrifle · 19/10/2021 07:00

Why would a "baddie" knock on the door? Especially a glass door where you could obviously see who it was

To see if you are in/up as PP have mentioned.

tigger1001 · 19/10/2021 07:02

@NumberTheory

The sort you hear and read about all the time!!

If you're reading/watching fiction, sure! But otherwise? Can't remember I when I last heard of that happening to someone who wasn't already mixed up in criminality.

It's happened locally to me. Two men were going round knocking on doors and pushing past (mostly women) if they thought they were on their own. They got into a few houses, assaulted a couple of people and stole what was visible. They were high and we live in what is usually a very safe village, where people don't usually lock their doors etc
AutumnLeafy · 19/10/2021 07:04

No way wouldbi answer my back door at night.

tigger1001 · 19/10/2021 07:05

@Menmy3

I can’t believe how many people have a time frame for answering the door! I get it if you’re rural but not in a normal street! I very rarely even lock my door I can never find the bloody key
I would be reluctant to open the door after 10 at night - not least because I would be in my bed!

I would maybe answer it just to make sure it wasn't bad news and if I wasn't on my own, but if it was a social call they would get told off.

TopCatsTopHat · 19/10/2021 07:09

Your mum might have a point of not, but you had your reasons for doing what you did, whether they were ott or not, so don't think she needs to go mad. But then she probably wasn't liking spending ages trying to make contact, but didn't pull her phone out and call. Its just one of those where neither of you were happy or unreasonable but could have done things differently too.
All this needs is for two people to take a bit of time, then hear each others point of view and apologise, and then laugh about it, because neither of you wanted to upset the other and both of you were opposite sides of the same situation inconvenienced /afraid. It's just a silly 'oh dear' type thing... Once the emotions have cooled off