To not have answered the door?

[PissyMum]

I’m a single mum with two young dc. I separated from dh nearly 2 years ago but still living in the family home until he decides what he wants to do with it (long story). It’s a massive, crumbling house that we bought as a young, hopeful couple and it’s increasingly impractical to live in. There are constant leaks, floorboards collapsing and all manner of various catastrophes have happened in the house over the last couple of years. The most recent issue I’ve had is that I’ve realised that the garage door is completely insecure. I’d been locking it as the key was turning and it was making a ‘click’ sound but only realised a couple of weeks ago it wasn’t actually doing anything and you can just lift up the garage door and walk straight in. The garage leads on to a couple of falling down stone rooms (old stables, I think) and then straight into the house so this is obviously a massive security risk. A new garage door has been ordered and I’ve ordered new, lockable internal doors but for the next week at least I’ve just created a bar that blocks the door shut into the main house if you were to access from the garage.

About half an hour ago (so 10pm ish) I heard knocking at the back door. I ignored it although I was clearly in, I just stayed quiet upstairs. Then the front door was knocked, I ignored again. Then I hear footsteps down the side alley leading to the garage and dial ‘999’ on my phone in case they do actually try and break in. I then hear the sound of the garage door opening, peep out of the window and see it’s my bloody mother 🤦‍♀️.

She’d been to her friends house down the road and wanted to give me one of my dc’s t-shirts back that he soaked when he was at hers the other day. I asked her why she didn’t either use her key (she’d forgotten it) or ring me (she didn’t want to wake dc up). Now she’s absolutely furious with me for being melodramatic and not opening the door. She says she could have been someone needing medical attention or someone letting me know I’d left my car headlights on and I always think the worst of people.

If it makes any difference I live in a very safe area, neighbours directly across the road who I could’ve screamed at if I needed help. I just don’t feel safe opening the door at 10pm, especially when I know my house isn’t currently secure. This may be related to me living in what I consider a fairly spooky house and having watched Paranormal Activity last week but I don’t think I’d open it under normal circumstances either.

Aibu and dramatic? I didn’t dial 999 or do anything other than not open the door and silently get myself in a state.

If I spontaneously decided I was going to pop over to my daughter's house at 10pm to drop something off, I would call or text first, and then if I hadn't received a response I would possibly still go, but would knock on the front door. If there was no answer, I would leave.

There is no way in hell I would turn up at that time, unannounced, and then upon not having my knock answered, go round the side of the house and try and let myself in through the garage. That's ridiculous behaviour and your mother should be embarrassed.

I'm with you OP. I wouldn't have opened the door either. You did make me chuckle though with your 'my bloody mother' comment. That was the description I used to give my Mum. I remember on more than one occasion when she would she ring my landline in the early hours to excitedly tell me to order QVC's midnight TSV. And she and my Dad would think nothing of knocking on the door at way past midnight to say hello on their way home from an evening out.
My DH used to work nights and I was often at home alone with 3 young children - she used to scare the life out of me sometimes.

I do find the whole not answering the door thing weird to be honest. Where I live people just answer doors.

@ArabellaStrange

I would not have opened it either OP. Fuck what anyone else thinks.

This

Of course YANBU; you have no obligation to open the door and you don't have to justify taking measures for your own and your children's safety. On a practical note, just tell your mother to call your mobile or text you next time; I'd guess if the ring is loud enough to wake the children you'd have it on vibrate late at night anyway.

YANBU. I'd be livid with your mother. That is not normal behaviour. Not surprising you were frightened.

Mind you, this is Mumsnet where no fucker seems to open the door unless the person on the other side has made an appointment that's been checked in triplicate, and DBS certificates scanned and emailed 3 weeks in advance

Yeah, it's really odd isn't it. I can usually check who is at my door and if it is someone who looks like they are peddling religion or selling something I don't answer, but anyone else gets welcomed in. If I can't see who it is then I take the risk and open it. Don't understand this MN attitude.

I don't think there's anything wrong with not answering the door if you don't want visitors and your DM is nutty to think it's okay to knock on all the doors but not ring you. In the scenario your DM IBU

But I don't think you're increasing your safety by refusing to answer the door. If anything, the opposite. Not answering the door suggests to burglars (the most likely criminally intentioned visitor by a long, long way) that there's no one home and it's a good target.

You don't have to open the door, just go down (or stick your head out of a window) and ask who's there, then tell them it's too late for visitors if you don't really want to open the door to them.

Not answering the door is one thing, but calling 999 is definitely over dramatic and a waste of police time and someone else may have missed out on genuine help because you were being over dramatic.

I suspect your mum was annoyed because you were so dramatic as to ring 999 because of someone knocking at the door.

A burglar really isn’t likely to knock at all doors just to check you aren’t in.

If I went down and saw it was a baddie, he’d see me too and I was in my PJ’s so not ready for a fight.

What sort of baddie do you think comes knocking on people's doors, wanting for them to answer before he pounces?

Yanbu and I'd have been furious with my mother or anyone for that matter calling at that hour with out notice.

@NumberTheory

If I went down and saw it was a baddie, he’d see me too and I was in my PJ’s so not ready for a fight.

What sort of baddie do you think comes knocking on people's doors, wanting for them to answer before he pounces?

The sort you hear and read about all the time!!

The sort you hear and read about all the time!!

If you're reading/watching fiction, sure! But otherwise? Can't remember I when I last heard of that happening to someone who wasn't already mixed up in criminality.

@WorraLiberty

Mind you, this is Mumsnet where no fucker seems to open the door unless the person on the other side has made an appointment that's been checked in triplicate, and DBS certificates scanned and emailed 3 weeks in advance 😂

Hahahahaha

Can’t you see who is at the door? I always check before opening.

And like others have said it’s a technique of burglars to knock on the door to check if anyone is in. So for safety concerns it’s not always best to pretend you’re not in.

I can’t believe how many people have a time frame for answering the door! I get it if you’re rural but not in a normal street! I very rarely even lock my door I can never find the bloody key

@NumberTheory This happened 10 mins from me.. Hence me always keeping my doors locked

[quote Elderflower14]@NumberTheory This happened 10 mins from me.. Hence me always keeping my doors locked[/quote]
Do you have more on the story? Because that doesn't suggest the murdered couple made themselves vulnerable by checking who was at the door.

I don't think it's a bad idea to keep your doors locked though, as some have said, even leaving your doors unlocked is hardly a fast track to victimhood, but that's not what anyone was really suggesting. OP seemed to think that being seen through her door in her PJs "by a baddie" was a reasonable concern. And I don't think that's borne out by the general state of crime in the UK.

your DM is nutty to think it's okay to knock on all the doors but not ring you.

I would think my family, or friends, nutty to ring me before calling around. What sort of a world are we living in where people have to make appointments to see people they know? The only reason I can see to phone beforehand is to make sure the person is home.

@gofg

your DM is nutty to think it's okay to knock on all the doors but not ring you.

I would think my family, or friends, nutty to ring me before calling around. What sort of a world are we living in where people have to make appointments to see people they know? The only reason I can see to phone beforehand is to make sure the person is home.

I wasn't saying the DM was nutty for not making an appointment. I'm happy for people to drop in (though I suspect ten at night is pushing the border of what's generally welcome).

I was referring to her excuse for knocking on two doors and, receiving no response, going in through the garage rather than calling up to see what the deal was.

It would throw me into a complete dilemma if someone knocked on my door at that time of night.
I'm not sure what I'd do - answer or not - but I'd be really annoyed about it being your mum, particularly if she's annoyed at you!

Your mum was a bit BU to come round at that time of night without checking you were OK with it. And very very BU not to have called or texted after the first knocks went unanswered, rather than snooping around looking for another way in. What you did next was irrelevant to that, really!

FWIW I'd probably answer the door but I have better security than you, including a Ring bell and a steel mesh door that keeps people locked out while I talk to them.

YANBU. Your mum should have texted to say what she was doing. I wouldn't open the door at that time of night, in on my own, if I wasn't expecting someone.

Your mum was being ridiculous to come at 10pm unannounced, creep about and cause fear. She was an actual intruder, you just weren't to know it was your mum.

@HeartsAndClubs

Not answering the door is one thing, but calling 999 is definitely over dramatic and a waste of police time and someone else may have missed out on genuine help because you were being over dramatic.

I suspect your mum was annoyed because you were so dramatic as to ring 999 because of someone knocking at the door.

A burglar really isn’t likely to knock at all doors just to check you aren’t in.

Phoning the police because you hear footsteps is a waste of time.

It's a good job she didn't do that then!!!!

its a bit of both to be frank , your feeling insecure in the house and were too worked up to answer it and your mother was in a state worrying about something being wrong because you didnt answer when she knocked , i can see why you didnt want to answer it and i can also see why it made your mum worry , you just need to explain how unsafe you felt and im sure she will understand why you were being melododramatic as she put it