To not have answered the door?

[PissyMum]

I’m a single mum with two young dc. I separated from dh nearly 2 years ago but still living in the family home until he decides what he wants to do with it (long story). It’s a massive, crumbling house that we bought as a young, hopeful couple and it’s increasingly impractical to live in. There are constant leaks, floorboards collapsing and all manner of various catastrophes have happened in the house over the last couple of years. The most recent issue I’ve had is that I’ve realised that the garage door is completely insecure. I’d been locking it as the key was turning and it was making a ‘click’ sound but only realised a couple of weeks ago it wasn’t actually doing anything and you can just lift up the garage door and walk straight in. The garage leads on to a couple of falling down stone rooms (old stables, I think) and then straight into the house so this is obviously a massive security risk. A new garage door has been ordered and I’ve ordered new, lockable internal doors but for the next week at least I’ve just created a bar that blocks the door shut into the main house if you were to access from the garage.

About half an hour ago (so 10pm ish) I heard knocking at the back door. I ignored it although I was clearly in, I just stayed quiet upstairs. Then the front door was knocked, I ignored again. Then I hear footsteps down the side alley leading to the garage and dial ‘999’ on my phone in case they do actually try and break in. I then hear the sound of the garage door opening, peep out of the window and see it’s my bloody mother 🤦‍♀️.

She’d been to her friends house down the road and wanted to give me one of my dc’s t-shirts back that he soaked when he was at hers the other day. I asked her why she didn’t either use her key (she’d forgotten it) or ring me (she didn’t want to wake dc up). Now she’s absolutely furious with me for being melodramatic and not opening the door. She says she could have been someone needing medical attention or someone letting me know I’d left my car headlights on and I always think the worst of people.

If it makes any difference I live in a very safe area, neighbours directly across the road who I could’ve screamed at if I needed help. I just don’t feel safe opening the door at 10pm, especially when I know my house isn’t currently secure. This may be related to me living in what I consider a fairly spooky house and having watched Paranormal Activity last week but I don’t think I’d open it under normal circumstances either.

Aibu and dramatic? I didn’t dial 999 or do anything other than not open the door and silently get myself in a state.

I'd invest in a couple of Staffies (Gorgeous with kids, but will eat any intruders).
My DM nearly got koshed when she silently appeared in DD's bedroom having let herself in (Staffie is gentle and silent with people she knows so didn't warn us) and apparently crept up the stairs.
for you OP, feeling vulnerable in your home sucks -desperately want a nosy round your house -

She says she could have been someone needing medical attention or someone letting me know I’d left my car headlights on and I always think the worst of people.

This makes me cross, it's her trying to excuse her actions. If someone is in need of medical attention at 10pm at night, and they don't have a phone on them to call an ambulance, then they'd be banging on your door. If it's not a medical emergency, you don't need to be opening your door to a total stranger, they could be anyone, the safety of you and little DC is your priority.

Left your lights on? This is really clutching at straws now.

She didn't think and she's getting shitty with you because she can see what she caused and doesn't want to admit fault.

Unless this has happened to you, you don't understand how frightening it is. She should be apologising, not acting like you're the ridiculous one in this scenario.

It's "funny" know we know it's mother. Now imagine that story without knowing it. Imagine there were footsteps towards your garage, you heard it being entered, then nothing. You post on MN the following day how you've had an unknown person knocking on your doors and entering your garage at night. Not one person would be telling you "that sounds fine, if it happens again tonight, simply pop down and open the door, then you'll see who it is"

Who drops in at 10pm? Random daytime is fine so couldn't it have waited? Or she could've texted you? Obviously your mum meant well but she didn't think it through so think she was BU.

Your nervousness over your security was at the forefront on your mind so I understand your reaction. Particularly with young DC's in the house.

Laying off the paranormal tv stuff might make you less jittery though....

Your mum is “absolutely furious” about this incident! 😂 well I suppose attack is the best form of defence! You should be furious NOT her.

I hate people who don’t answer doors. My old neighbours car got written off by a drink driver and I witnessed it and rang the police. I went round to tell her and she refused to answer the door so I had to go back repeatedly till her son came and told her. So unbelievably childish and took a huge chunk out of my working day because she was so selfish. If you really fearful get a ring doorbell don’t inconvenience the rest of us who are just trying to help

If you're looking for people to say your mum is wrong and it's perfectly normal to cower in your house/ring 999/not speak through a door because you're wearing pyjamas, you'd have to be very new to MN to not know lots of people will agree with you.

^This. I'd never heard of this not answering your door to anybody ever malarkey until I discovered Mumsnet

I don’t think you were unreasonable at all! Your mother is unreasonable for turning up at your house unexpectedly at 10pm…to give a t-shirt back?! I’d be creeped out at somebody knocking at the back door too.

She could have texted from her friend’s house to at least say she was coming.

I would be shocked if my door was knocked on at 10pm as unexpected and I would not open the door to an unknown in those circumstances. But to find out I would have shouted who is it?

@user1471462428

I hate people who don’t answer doors. My old neighbours car got written off by a drink driver and I witnessed it and rang the police. I went round to tell her and she refused to answer the door so I had to go back repeatedly till her son came and told her. So unbelievably childish and took a huge chunk out of my working day because she was so selfish. If you really fearful get a ring doorbell don’t inconvenience the rest of us who are just trying to help

You chose to go back repeatedly, you could have just reported to the police and tried once.

You don't win prizes for being a martyr!

It's very different when people don't answer during the day and can see clearly who is knocking on their door, and don't answer out of laziness.

Me ignoring the double glazing salesman at 11am as I'm sitting down with a cup of tea, is not the same as an unexpected person creeping around your house, knocking, then trying to let themselves in at night.

Very very different.

I don't have any hang ups about answering doors, I don't think.
But a knock on the door at 10pm would bother me. I don't know anyone who'd knock at that time of night without messaging first, and I live alone.

I'd feel obliged to respond in case it was a neighbour with an emergency, but the I'd call it to them first to see who it was.

I don’t know why she didn’t just post it through the door or give me a quick call/ text, i would’ve thought that would’ve been the obvious thing to do if I didn’t answer when she started knocking. My mum is not generally one to do what I’d consider the obvious thing to do though.

I’ve never been robbed before so no real reason for me to think it was anyone criminal. I had an ex boyfriend who spent weeks trying to scare me at my house after we split up - moving plants around in the garden, throwing pebbles at windows and generally just sitting directly outside in his car for hours on end. This was over a decade ago though and in a different part of the country. He never escalated it beyond doing a few weird things and was never a ‘real’ threat, I don’t think.

Just to clarify - I do answer the door during the day it was just that 10pm seems really late for someone to knock on the door. Although I have young kids so I think of anything past 8pm as being night time. I probably would have answered it if I’d been downstairs at the time as I know they’d have seen me. As I was upstairs they definitely couldn’t see me although there were still lights on and car on the drive so it was pretty obvious I was there. Also I didn’t call 999 or waste anyone’s time, I just had it dialled on my phone in case I needed to call them quickly.

Love a good i Don’t answer my door thread, it’s a phenomen peculiar to mumsnetters where you hide upstairs and call the police if someone knocks on your door after dark.

@user1471462428 you didn’t have to keep going round, it was your choice to. You’d reported it to the police and they’d surely contact your neighbour or your neighbour would contact them once she’d seen the state of her car. You were the only one inconveniencing yourself in that situation.

I don’t want to get a ring doorbell, I’d be too concerned about it being hacked and I really don’t like any kind of things like Alexa that can spy on you the whole time.

@Bluntness100

Love a good i Don’t answer my door thread, it’s a phenomen peculiar to mumsnetters where you hide upstairs and call the police if someone knocks on your door after dark.

Do people generally have someone knocking on their door at 10pm and not think anything of it?

It's one thing not to open one's door to an unexpected knock. It's another having that knock at 10pm, especially if you live alone or are a single mother like the OP.

I don't answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone or anything. This is mostly because of laziness (and sometimes actually being too busy) than fear of "baddies" though (surely they would not be polite enough to knock?).

I definitely wouldn't answer an unexpected knock at 10pm.

It's 2021. Message me if you're coming over FGS!

Don't understand why your mum didn't text you. I would not open my door to anyone at that time of night. I once got someone's food delivery at midnight which was mine according to the driver( if he was genuine). I spoke to him through the door but we didn't open it. Told the driver he had the wrong house. Your mum could have perhaps spoken through the letterbox. To be honest, I would not turn up at anyone's door at 10 o' clock at night, unless prearranged.

You could have 'peeped out of the window' at the first knock and seen it was your Mother, thereby saving yourself all this drama.

I would think my family, or friends, nutty to ring me before calling around. What sort of a world are we living in where people have to make appointments to see people they know?

I guess a world where someone could be out to stop a wasted journey? You don’t know someone is in until you ask so just popping by is a bit weird.

I can’t believe that someone would consider ringing 999 in this instance.

No wonder public services are on a knife edge.

@saraclara, of course people think something of it, but I’d have had a look to see who it was, not hidden and called the police.

So your mum didn't want to wake the the children but thought stalking round the house knowing full well you're on your own with 2 kids at night in the dark was the right thing to do??

Surely some crappy t-shirt isn't needed back at 10pm?

I would think my family, or friends, nutty to ring me before calling around. What sort of a world are we living in where people have to make appointments to see people they know?

I wouldn't call my friend to make an appointment. I'd call out of common courtesy in case she was on her way out. Or in bed at 10pm.

I normally open the door in the day but at 10 at night no way, especially if I lived on my own with young children.
YANBU.

Well the police were there waiting for her to come down so I didn’t really have a choice, completely wasted their time as they had several other cars to inspect and a drink driver to find. The damage was entirely to the rear end of her car but maybe I should have just left her to drive off in it!!! The police were like this over her not answering the door 🙄