Friend blocked us for paying her pay

[Lettingoffstea]

Group of four friends for about four years go out for lunch every 2 weeks. We tend to go to the same place cheap and cheerful. Noticed in the last year one friend had never got any money or left her card at home. Takes money from another friend never pays it back. This friend is not strapped for cash she is always buying new clothes, cigarettes and booze for herself to drink at home. We said it is your turn to pay last time we went out. She paid but now had blocked us all. Sorry txt is so long but not sure how to deal with this any help please

@Lettingoffstea

Group of four friends for about four years go out for lunch every 2 weeks. We tend to go to the same place cheap and cheerful. Noticed in the last year one friend had never got any money or left her card at home. Takes money from another friend never pays it back. This friend is not strapped for cash she is always buying new clothes, cigarettes and booze for herself to drink at home. We said it is your turn to pay last time we went out. She paid but now had blocked us all. Sorry txt is so long but not sure how to deal with this any help please

'She's always buying new clothes, cigarettes and booze for herself to drink at home' - I think there's possibly an underlying problem here!! She may be suffering from depression or/& an addiction, and your get togethers were the one thing holding her above water, and instead of talking to her and asking her if she needed help you've - unfortunately - embarrassed her!!! I'm not saying this is exactly it but it is a possibility! I would go round to her place, if possible, and ask to have a chat with her. Ask her what's going on, why she never has money? Would she have preferred to just pay her own way? If this isn't possible then a letter, or a call from a different phone. As I said, I may be wrong, but I think this needs to be sorted out not ignored!!

Do nothing at all.

We had exactly this scenario.
It started to really spoil every event we had with this woman. And wider friends actively hated her. She went through friends quite quickly. She always had a group of shiny new friends and they would drop her.
She freeloaded off me and others for about 20 years - probably still is to someone. I haven't seen her for 3 years . I look back now and think what an absolute mug I was. But this person was fun (although actually they werent) so I ignored at the time. She wasn't even nice tbh.
In the end she sort of dropped me. I was busy with toddlers and she 'didn't like children'. She's now a life coach!!! Ooo the irony.
Very wealthy parents who had helped her a lot, and honestly I believe she didn't actually think she should pay her way. She really did expect others too. I think that was it. She didn't like to spend her money but liked nice times. She felt hard done too (for no reason!) and generally felt life was better for others (it really wasn't she lived a fantastic lifestyle and she did spend money on her hobbies etc).
You'll find the first few weeks strange and maybe she'll be nasty too, but honestly in the long run you'll be happy. You won't miss her.
In the years since I keep remembering more and more awful freeloading things she did. And I'm so cross I didn't notice. But they were very subtle. A lot of them are quite funny. Here are a few.
Taking a bottle of vodka to a bring a spirit cocktail party (filled with water)
Always adding extras onto tickets bought for concerts etc (so her ticket was free). We didn't get to see the tickets.
Bringing wine to dinner, hiding it and bringing it home.
Picking the most expensive restaurant, having 4 drinks for every 1 and then splitting bill equally.
Suddenly getting one of her famous migraines and leaving before bill came. She'd throw in a tenner or similar but her share would be say £40!
The worst is when she offered to buy me a tent (as she has a connection to company). Bought at discount from her. Turned out it was a freebies and defective (I.e. not waterproof!!).
The list goes on. It must have been exhausting for her!
I'm very conscious of this now.

Nothing to deal with is there? You called her out for not paying her way, she's taken umbrage.

Yes we have all noticed she is a free loader but to block us all without discussing it has really upset us.

I find this statement interesting. She has taken the piss out of all of you but has saved you the bother of a difficult conversation about her freeloading ways and you are upset that she no longer wants to be friends if it means paying her way.

I'd be asking myself why I'm upset about it, bear in mind she clearly does not think about friendship in the way you do so projecting your thinking onto her actions won't help you understand.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

Presumably an old close friend of socialising regularly as a group of 4? You presumably like and care for her? Can’t understand why you didn’t take her aside and chat rather than just a confrontation at the dinner table

It's not a 'confrontation at the dinner table' though is it? Sounds like they calmly said 'it's your turn to pay'. She did so without complaint then has taken umbrage at a reasonable request later on.

I've done it frequently with my own friends and they've done it with me. I/They tend to go 'oh of course yes!' Pay up and we continue with life as normal. Not flounce off because we've been asked to offer our friends the same courtesy as they've been extended.

It’s her embarrassment at being caught out on her behaviour - that’s what these people object to

And being 'taken aside for a chat' makes it an even bigger issue and one she could feel exposed by

You just get the freeloader to pay, don't make a fuss, make them realise you aren't a sucker, and everyone goes on with their life.

This one doesn't like the fact she's been called out and has flounced. Better than an argument in the corner of the restaurant where she'd manipulate it into something else and cry victim.

Do you want her back in the group OP? back with her freeloading cuntery?
If the answer is YES then YABU.
If the answer is NO then YANBU.

Her blocking of you all 100% confirms that she was a freeloader. So sorry. That’s hurtful.

She's no loss. I was in a group of 4 friends too. We used to mainly socialise at each others houses, usually with our husbands and DC. It became glaringly obvious one friend never hosted, although she had a perfectly nice house (I'd been there to drop off /pick up DC). We even had one new year party at ours and she pretty much dictated to me how to organise it.

One of the group started saying quite openly "Your turn next time Sue!" whenever one of us hosted a get together. Sue would just laugh but ignore the comment.

One year none of us offered to host new year on principle. We waited it out. Sue didn't offer and we didn't have a party. Turns out because none of us had offered to host she invited other friends from outside the group to hers! That was the end of that friendship.

Brilliant. It’s like the rubbish has taken itself out!

Block her if she returns the cheeky cow!

**Reallyimeanreally2022

Every fortnight
For 4 years who have gone out for this woman

That is a close friendship. A very close friendship.

And yet you seem to despise her. Baffling**

I’m getting no vibes from the op that she despises her. None at all! Just the very fact she’s asking a forum shows that she’s upset about it. She even commented how much fun her friend is.

Anyway, I think your friend is really embarrassed. Perhaps one of you could have pulled her aside and brought it up - she may have felt that you’d all been gossiping and decided to act, which I suspect is probably the case.

You have t done anything wrong though. She needs to grow up. However, if one you is pension age then I guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks as they say! She won’t change her using ways.

'She's always buying new clothes, cigarettes and booze for herself to drink at home'
I think there's possibly an underlying problem here!!

I read the 'to drink at home' detail as the OP saying that despite not wanting to buy drink when out with 'friends', she's happy to buy it for herself.

I think you're all well rid, OP.
Someone with genuine issues is more likely, I think, to have responded to this by crying/getting upset with you at the time and perhaps admitting to her issues. This sounds like she just took the hump and then messaged you all later, with time and distance (so she'd had the opportunity to consider how to tackle it, and chose to be abusive).

@BoxOfDreams sheesh. Did you ever confront her about that? I wonder why she never invited you all.

@twilightermummy

**Reallyimeanreally2022

Every fortnight
For 4 years who have gone out for this woman

That is a close friendship. A very close friendship.

And yet you seem to despise her. Baffling**

I’m getting no vibes from the op that she despises her. None at all! Just the very fact she’s asking a forum shows that she’s upset about it. She even commented how much fun her friend is.

Anyway, I think your friend is really embarrassed. Perhaps one of you could have pulled her aside and brought it up - she may have felt that you’d all been gossiping and decided to act, which I suspect is probably the case.

You have t done anything wrong though. She needs to grow up. However, if one you is pension age then I guess you can’t teach an old dog new tricks as they say! She won’t change her using ways.

“She is a free loader” “We feel used and upset” “She sent an abusive text”

Any fact that op chose to confront the person at a meal in a group after 4 years of saying nothing

This is not a relationship where I would think the op likes the other person

[quote JingsMahBucket]@BoxOfDreams sheesh. Did you ever confront her about that? I wonder why she never invited you all.[/quote]
No, none of us ever did, we just let the friendship die. We have a mutual friend with Sue who bumped into her in town and asked if she'd seen us lately (mutual friend didn't know about the fall-out) and Sue apparently said "No, we're not in with the in crowd anymore". After all the parties, meals, get togethers etc she'd enjoyed at our time and expense over the years, that felt like such a kick in the teeth. Her loss.

Sounds perfect. She's sulking because she's been challenged on being a sponger. I don't think you need to do anything.

Please say good riddance she was not a friend at all...

She was a leech, should have scraped her off years ago

Sod her. I don’t know what you’re worried about.

Lol her free loading days over so no need for you lot! Good riddance

Personally I'd call that a result.

She’s almost certainly got issues- gambling,drink,drugs,abuse from partner. Something. Too ashamed to talk about it and can’t cope with you lot noticing her behaviour. Blocks you so she doesn’t have to explain herself. Classic.

@Reallyimeanreally2022

They’d had enough. I think if op and the rest of the group didn’t like this now presumably former friend, she would have been ejected long ago.