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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Son must not have access to child trust fund

402 replies

Comingup · 17/10/2021 20:34

My son will be 18 soon and is addicted to weed, he is aggressive and abusive. Can anyone tell me what actually happens when18th birthday comes up? Do they write to the child? Can I stop it from maturing or whatever it does. I am really panicking as I have had a massive altercation with him where he admits spending a fortune every week on weed. I plan to ring the company but after tonight don't think I will sleep at the thought of him having any more money to harm himself with.

OP posts:
FrDamo · 17/10/2021 22:12

Reading about the 18 year olds that squandered their nest eggs in a matter of weeks is so desperately sad. Such fecklessness. I couldn't look them in the eye. I'd despair for their future selves.

I honestly think financial affairs should be on the national curriculum in some format. Teaching our kids about rent, mortgages, utilities, council tax, savings, pensions and so on. Needs before wants.

I regularly look at the threads about young working adults paying their way while living at home and some of the attitudes on there astonish me.

Time and again other threads reference debt and bankruptcy. It's all so very sad.

godmum56 · 17/10/2021 22:13

Sadly. and while I understand the OP's anguish, I don't think it will make any difference if he gets that money or not. Addicts will fund their habit somehow.

tunnocksreturns2019 · 17/10/2021 22:13

I turned my DS’s into a Junior ISA. I’ve added a bit, not much as like previous posters I don’t want him accessing a big amount at 18.

He didn’t know it existed (he’s 12) until we opened an account for him with a debit card with the same bank recently (Nationwide). Now every time he logs in he can see the ISA amount as well as his current account because they are both in his name and automatically linked! I checked with Nationwide and there’s nothing that can be done about it. The money can’t be accessed until 18 but I still think it’s really daft it shows up on an under 18s account. DS was very sensible about it (and said wow thank you Grin). He may be much less sensible in six years.

Pallisers · 17/10/2021 22:14

@621CustardCream438

And this is why I don’t save any money in my children’s names. If the government has given him cash and he blows it that’s a stupid waste of taxpayers money (and why I support them being scrapped) but if you have added to it I think you bear some responsibility here - did it never occur to you this might happen?

And no of course a bank can’t withhold money from an adult just because their Mum phones and says they’ll use it to buy drugs - imagine the potential for abuse of that power for a start. Plus he’s an adult and it belongs to him. You have as much say over it as you have over your next door neighbour’s cash.

And I cannot believe people are advocating hiding another adults post.

I agree with every word of this. We save nothing in our children's names and never did. Their communion/birthday money went into a savings account in their names as it was theirs. Everything else we saved is in our names.
CatandFiddleForestGin · 17/10/2021 22:17

@Skysblue is that the case for Child Trust Funds?

gardeninggirl68 · 17/10/2021 22:18

@HootieOwls

what do i need to protect him from? he's working, having driving lessons and getting a car with his money. ....he has never bothered with drugs, alcohol or much else, he wants a car to get to work. not sure what i'm protecting him from... But....but...this isn't about your son. Confused It's about the OP's son. She is the one who is asking the question.

You remind me of EYFS children who when a class mate has a birthday put up,
their hands and tell you that on a different day they had a birthday.

yeah it was the poster who quoted me i was answering

you remind me of someone who likes to jump in before reading properly...

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 17/10/2021 22:20

Can you change the postal address to that of a grandparent?

Mamatocats · 17/10/2021 22:20

I know it’s heartbreaking OP I can fully empathise with you and my heart goes out to you!

This is what I would probably do…
Hide any letters about the trust fund and play dumb if he ever asks. Going off the thread i believe in all likelihood he will ask about the trust fund, especially if his circle of friends are talking about it.
Then if he really wants this money (because it is legally his) let HIM do the leg work to access it, find the right numbers/people to call etc
If he gets it sorted on his own there’s nothing you can do but let him spend it, if that’s weed or whatever.
BUT don’t bail him out if gets into trouble and don’t give him any money when that trust fund runs dry.

You’ve said it’s a substantial amount so let him decide what to prioritise it on. I know it sounds harsh but I would let him spend it but then make it clear that there is no ‘bank of mum and dad’ when that money is gone. Even if he wanted something worth while like a car or part of a house deposit- if that money is gone TOUGH! He should of thought differently.
Sending love!

Original poster
Comingup · 17/10/2021 22:21

Thank you to all who have replied, really appreciate it. So...he does have capacity, works part time ( to fund habit which he openly admits to and jeers at me about it) and is in college ( grades plummeted). There is a lot of money in the account, it is a legacy which has been added to the trust over the years, in order to supposedly be for a house deposit etc. I won't go into the circumstances of how the legacy came because it is outing, but let's just say its a very emotive situation which makes it worse for me...I know what the person wanted the money to go for, and it breaks my heart knowing what is very likely to happen

OP posts:
Tryagainplease · 17/10/2021 22:23

@FrDamo

Reading about the 18 year olds that squandered their nest eggs in a matter of weeks is so desperately sad. Such fecklessness. I couldn't look them in the eye. I'd despair for their future selves.

I honestly think financial affairs should be on the national curriculum in some format. Teaching our kids about rent, mortgages, utilities, council tax, savings, pensions and so on. Needs before wants.

I regularly look at the threads about young working adults paying their way while living at home and some of the attitudes on there astonish me.

Time and again other threads reference debt and bankruptcy. It's all so very sad.

Firstly, 18 year olds are 18 year olds. We all made silly mistakes when we were that age - their brains are still very plastic. Not being able to look them in the eye is ridiculous.

Secondly, while I agree that these things should be taught in school - parents need to teach these skills too.

I say this as someone who left home very young (younger than OPs son) and has paid my way ever since. Yes, I made some silly mistakes (car on HP, credit card debt) but I’ve done ok in the end.

Tryagainplease · 17/10/2021 22:23

I’m astounded at the suggestions of hiding his post. That’s just wrong.

Tryagainplease · 17/10/2021 22:25

@Comingup

Thank you to all who have replied, really appreciate it. So...he does have capacity, works part time ( to fund habit which he openly admits to and jeers at me about it) and is in college ( grades plummeted). There is a lot of money in the account, it is a legacy which has been added to the trust over the years, in order to supposedly be for a house deposit etc. I won't go into the circumstances of how the legacy came because it is outing, but let's just say its a very emotive situation which makes it worse for me...I know what the person wanted the money to go for, and it breaks my heart knowing what is very likely to happen
OP, no idea if you’re talking about thousands, or tens of thousands or what but you need to sit him down and have a frank conversation about it. Explain all this to him. Tell him the full story that you can’t tell us and try to get through to him.
Mamatocats · 17/10/2021 22:25

The only other thing you could do OP is have a chat to him and be open about what the trust fund was meant for.
Could you maybe agree that part of the money be put in a separate account for its intended purposes and then suggest he has some to do whatever with?
Maybe if he understood he’d be less inclined to use it on weed

FlorenceWintle · 17/10/2021 22:26

Can I just ask OP, did you understand he would have access to it at 18 and was comfortable with that, or did you not know? Not trying to make you feel worse, I’m just wondering how this happened.

KingdomScrolls · 17/10/2021 22:27

This is why savings and investments for DS are in my name, he's a lovely kid now but there aren't many teenagers who would do the sensible thing with a substantial amount of money at eighteen. He doesn't know we save for him and won't, he needs to be motivated to save and work for himself the way I did and DH did. You're just going to have to accept that it's gone.

LonginesPrime · 17/10/2021 22:29

I know what the person wanted the money to go for, and it breaks my heart knowing what is very likely to happen

I can see why you're worried about the money increasing his access to drugs, OP.

However, for your own sanity, I think it's important to separate the issue of him buying drugs with the money to him simply blowing the cash instead of putting it towards a house deposit.

Even if the person had left him the money now instead of in the past, it still would have been DS's to do with as he pleased once he inherited it.

He seems to have access to money and drugs already. So I think that putting this into perspective, yes, he could spend the money more wisely. But realistically, he's going to buy drugs if he wants to anyway, CTF or not.

Tryagainplease · 17/10/2021 22:29

@KingdomScrolls

This is why savings and investments for DS are in my name, he's a lovely kid now but there aren't many teenagers who would do the sensible thing with a substantial amount of money at eighteen. He doesn't know we save for him and won't, he needs to be motivated to save and work for himself the way I did and DH did. You're just going to have to accept that it's gone.
I’m with you on this. My DS is still a baby but we have been saving for him and won’t do it in his name. I don’t think he will magically be able to make good decisions when he is 18. It may be that he has it sooner. May be later. Won’t know until the time.
ilovepixie · 17/10/2021 22:29

@HeartsAndClubs

It may not be an issue anyway. DN turned 18 recently and rang whatever line it is you have to talk to and was told all the funds closed 2 years ago and there is no way of accessing them any more.

I don’t know anyone else who has one, but I do know that he’s been told by the gov team that he won’t be given any money.

That's a pile of shite. My stepdaughter, her friend and my nephew all received theirs this year when they turned 18.
Mamatocats · 17/10/2021 22:30

@Tryagainplease
Yes, it is wrong- however, if you’ve ever been in a position where you’re seeing a person you love tear their life apart over drugs then sometimes you have to take drastic and ultimately deceptive action.
In the long run hiding some post is better than him potentially having the tools to get himself deeper into a hole that can be very difficult to get out of.

Original poster
Comingup · 17/10/2021 22:31

Yes to the pp who asked did I realise he would get it? Absolutely I did and it was fine because up until a year ago he wasn't like this! If I'd had the slightest idea , I would have done things so differently

OP posts:
gardeninggirl68 · 17/10/2021 22:32

op...is he aware of the money? was it set up with an email or updated to one?

MoiraNotRuby · 17/10/2021 22:33

All the posters saying 'you should not save in DC name' might not realise but 18 years ago the Government set up a Child Trust Fund for every newborn and put £250 into it. I am not exactly sure how long it lasted before it was scrapped but my 15 and 16 year olds both have one. Its an official thing in their names, parents had no say over it.

Meltinthemiddle · 17/10/2021 22:33

Desperate parents will do desperate things to protect their children. Be thankyou if you never have to understand that and have the luxury of passing judgement on those less fortunate. None of us could predict the life choices of our children from when they were perfect little babies. It's heartbreaking having to make these choices and be as cunning as them because you are so scared of what lies ahead of them if you don't.

Original poster
Comingup · 17/10/2021 22:34

Well it's rock and hard place isn't it...of course I don't want to be " immoral" and take his mail. I don't want him to blow £££ and fund his addiction either.

OP posts:
Solo · 17/10/2021 22:34

@621CustardCream438

And this is why I don’t save any money in my children’s names. If the government has given him cash and he blows it that’s a stupid waste of taxpayers money (and why I support them being scrapped) but if you have added to it I think you bear some responsibility here - did it never occur to you this might happen?

And no of course a bank can’t withhold money from an adult just because their Mum phones and says they’ll use it to buy drugs - imagine the potential for abuse of that power for a start. Plus he’s an adult and it belongs to him. You have as much say over it as you have over your next door neighbour’s cash.

And I cannot believe people are advocating hiding another adults post.

Which parent stares at their gorgeous baby and thinks "nope, I'll save nothing for you as I'm sure you'll be irresponsible/a gambler/drug addict." We want the world for our children, so will save what we can for them.