Help! Son must not have access to child trust fund

[Comingup]

My son will be 18 soon and is addicted to weed, he is aggressive and abusive. Can anyone tell me what actually happens when18th birthday comes up? Do they write to the child? Can I stop it from maturing or whatever it does. I am really panicking as I have had a massive altercation with him where he admits spending a fortune every week on weed. I plan to ring the company but after tonight don't think I will sleep at the thought of him having any more money to harm himself with.

If it were me and I had all his personal details, I'd open up an online savings account in his name that he cant touch for 5 years and shove it straight in there before he knows he's even got the cash. It's not the most effective way to grow his money, but if you fix at 1-1.25% so you'll get ~£50-60 per £1000 for the term so it shouldn't lose value.

Or I'd open up the 5 year fixed account for him on the quiet, then wait for him to have 5 mins where he wasn't being a complete tosser and tell him about the money. At that moment I'd agree with him an amount to save and an amount to spunk and transfer it immediately so it's a done deal. Hopefully the £££ in his pocket will distract him from the ££££ in his bank.

Hopefully by the time he's 23 and the fixed term is over he'll be grown up enough to manage the money.

@Meatshake

If it were me and I had all his personal details, I'd open up an online savings account in his name that he cant touch for 5 years and shove it straight in there before he knows he's even got the cash. It's not the most effective way to grow his money, but if you fix at 1-1.25% so you'll get ~£50-60 per £1000 for the term so it shouldn't lose value.

Or I'd open up the 5 year fixed account for him on the quiet, then wait for him to have 5 mins where he wasn't being a complete tosser and tell him about the money. At that moment I'd agree with him an amount to save and an amount to spunk and transfer it immediately so it's a done deal. Hopefully the £££ in his pocket will distract him from the ££££ in his bank.

Hopefully by the time he's 23 and the fixed term is over he'll be grown up enough to manage the money.

Nice ideas but can’t be done.

My DS is not that savvy with money, bank accounts etc. I told him the money was coming (£1700) and organised everything, though RBS did want to speak to him on the phone. When I helped him set up his bank account, I quietly hid the PIN number. He's not that interested so hasn't accessed the account yet. He wants the money for driving lessons so I'll sort all that out, with him. Just made it a little more difficult for him to access the money. If he had asked I would, of course, have given him the pin.

So does your DS have a bank account he has regular access to?

@Meatshake

If it were me and I had all his personal details, I'd open up an online savings account in his name that he cant touch for 5 years and shove it straight in there before he knows he's even got the cash. It's not the most effective way to grow his money, but if you fix at 1-1.25% so you'll get ~£50-60 per £1000 for the term so it shouldn't lose value.

Or I'd open up the 5 year fixed account for him on the quiet, then wait for him to have 5 mins where he wasn't being a complete tosser and tell him about the money. At that moment I'd agree with him an amount to save and an amount to spunk and transfer it immediately so it's a done deal. Hopefully the £££ in his pocket will distract him from the ££££ in his bank.

Hopefully by the time he's 23 and the fixed term is over he'll be grown up enough to manage the money.

My eighteen year old recently opened a couple of savings/bank accounts.

For each one he needed multiple forms of ID, witnessed copies of his photo ID certified/signed by professionals and also phone conversations with him.

@Meatshake

If it were me and I had all his personal details, I'd open up an online savings account in his name that he cant touch for 5 years and shove it straight in there before he knows he's even got the cash. It's not the most effective way to grow his money, but if you fix at 1-1.25% so you'll get ~£50-60 per £1000 for the term so it shouldn't lose value.

Or I'd open up the 5 year fixed account for him on the quiet, then wait for him to have 5 mins where he wasn't being a complete tosser and tell him about the money. At that moment I'd agree with him an amount to save and an amount to spunk and transfer it immediately so it's a done deal. Hopefully the £££ in his pocket will distract him from the ££££ in his bank.

Hopefully by the time he's 23 and the fixed term is over he'll be grown up enough to manage the money.

The OP CAN’T TOUCH this money! It can ONLY go to the child named on the trust fund, and can ONLY be put in a bank account in his name!

As a pp said, you can’t open a bank account without him knowing or his input either!

I don’t get all the cloak and dagger hiding stuff …. Treat him like an adult and let him deal with it - good or bad results!

beigebrownblue It is outrageous to intercept a person's post, but kudos for your quite spectacular extrapolation in your response!

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds horrifically hard.

In all honesty, given he’s violent and abusive to you, I think I’d be informing him of a deadline when he must change his behaviour, or move out. You don’t have to live with domestic violence - and that is what this is. It’s abuse.

The only thing to be done re the money is hide his post, and given how angry he sounds I don’t think I’d risk that. He’ll find out about it anyway when his friends get theirs and talk about it.

Maybe don’t hide the post exactly, but put it in the kitchen or something where he won’t see it without hunting, but if he comes across it you can just play dumb and say you left it for him to open as it was in his name.

But I’d be telling him he needs to knuckle down and go off to uni, or else get more hours at his job and move out. Do not let him live with you for years treating you like dirt and intimidating you. Being kind won’t help him return to the boy he was; only time - and his own choices - can do that.

It might be worth- if he’ll talk to you - trying to find out why he’s so angry. Did something bad happen to him in childhood? If he won’t talk to you is there a family friend he’d talk to, or would he see a counsellor? If he doesn’t change his ways though I think him leaving is your only choice.

I wonder if it might be worth asking him if you could sit and have a talk? Tell him it will be just once, and that you will then back-off. Explain to him that he has this amount coming to him shortly. Explain to him that it opens up an opportunity to turn his life around - he can put a deposit on a property, or even start up a business. There is a reason he has turned to weed, and it's possible that he didn't see much of a future (or even, present).
There's nothing legally that you can do, so perhaps just try to help him see quite what a fantastic opportunity he has here. I really hope it all works out - I can totally understand your feelings of frustration and helplessness.

Totally illegal but get someone to pretend to be him open account in his name put extra in one account and the government bit in another. Give him the book for his bit and dont tell him about other bit till he is safe. I'm afraid if he does get his hand on a huge amount he may not make 19

I mean put both accounts in his name but dont tell him about big one.

But it is fraud, and you will still have to watch mail.

To the PP who said MN haven't been helpful, I disagree. I have read all the replies and they've given me ideas and option's. Most importantly it's provided me with a listening ear for what I'm going through, and some obviously have been through the same.
I realise there are no easy solutions, and I've hoped that natural consequences would kick in along with mine. I feel as though he has flipped the power so he has it and I don't unfortunately. I hate confrontation and he is extremely explosive. An example..I picked up the wrong pop when shopping. He came out holding it and said " why the f#$k have you got this" and had a go. Goes mad if he is late because " I haven't told him, woken him up etc". No responsibility at all. He took my phone and charger the other day because I wouldn't lend him money. That's just a few examples. Hence why I don't want the Govt to hand him ££...

You need help to deal with him
Much more than dealing with his accounts
Speak to gp
Drug helplines
Domestic violence support

You are powerless over him and his addiction driven behaviours.

You can only put in boundaries for yourself and what you are willing to live with.

The only acceptable amount of abuse is none. You don't have to put up with unacceptable behaviour.

This money is his now. Detach from what he does with it as much as you can.

Get support for yourself. You're losing yourself and being used by him to dump all his anger and fear onto you, making you the issue to avoid looking at himself.

Step away. Remove the easy punching bag. Tell him to move out. He has the money coming to do that with.

Then he is left with himself and his choices and can see only he can change things for himself. He may get a lot worse before he even considers change is an option. He may never stop using.

You can be ok whether he uses or not. You have your own life to lead. You can love him and still detach from the drama.

@Comingup

To the PP who said MN haven't been helpful, I disagree. I have read all the replies and they've given me ideas and option's. Most importantly it's provided me with a listening ear for what I'm going through, and some obviously have been through the same. I realise there are no easy solutions, and I've hoped that natural consequences would kick in along with mine. I feel as though he has flipped the power so he has it and I don't unfortunately. I hate confrontation and he is extremely explosive. An example..I picked up the wrong pop when shopping. He came out holding it and said " why the f#$k have you got this" and had a go. Goes mad if he is late because " I haven't told him, woken him up etc". No responsibility at all. He took my phone and charger the other day because I wouldn't lend him money. That's just a few examples. Hence why I don't want the Govt to hand him ££...

You need to send him out to ‘adult’ for himself.

Forget the money, let him use it to house and feed himself or blow it.

Frustrating as it is, the money is out of your control.

Focus on what you can control, like who lives in your house and frequently you will allow them to abuse you.

OP I think you’re focusing on the wrong thing - there’s nothing you can do about the government giving him money. You need to focus on not accepting his behaviour. If you think he has Aspergers/Autism, talk to him about getting referred for assessment again - the adult assessment services are much better than the child assessment services.

I know where you’re coming from re the explosive behaviour about things that others would not kick off about (wrong pop etc), but even if he was diagnosed, you still can’t accept that behaviour. You need to focus on yourself and what is acceptable to you and your household - because those are things you CAN control and change, not the money.

If you think he has Aspergers/Autism, talk to him about getting referred for assessment again - the adult assessment services are much better than the child assessment services.

Maybe where you are. My health board don't assess adults. Those who are unfortunate enough to have suffered sever mental health issues may be referred but aside from that it's tough shit.

Ditch what I said, just get him out. Give him the money and get him the hell out.

@clockover

If you think he has Aspergers/Autism, talk to him about getting referred for assessment again - the adult assessment services are much better than the child assessment services.

Maybe where you are. My health board don't assess adults. Those who are unfortunate enough to have suffered sever mental health issues may be referred but aside from that it's tough shit.

Don’t assess at all? 😮 Our children’s services are terrible .. mind our adult mental health are also terrible, but assessment for autism etc seem to be much better once adulthood is reached.

@Comingup my heart goes out to you. It’s such a hard situation and could so easily happen to anyone’s child if they fall in with the wrong crowd, make some poor choices, have undiagnosed MH issues etc.

It’s very easy to advise you to kick him out but I doubt many of us would find it easy to do that to our own child. I don’t have any answers for you unfortunately but I just wanted to wish you luck and I hope in the future you can look back on this as a brief nightmare.

I’ve been listening to the We Can Do Hard Things podcast lately. It’s very good and has been like free therapy. Glennon, the host, had alcohol and drug addiction until she was 26. She accidentally got pregnant and that woke her up to sobering up. It’s really interesting and she talks about how her behaviour affected her family. Each episode addresses a different thing but there is an episode on addiction and one on setting boundaries which you may find useful. It took me an episode or two to get into (I went back and started at the beginning and am working my way through) but now I love it. She really encourages boundaries and yours for example would be something along the lines of ‘I love you but I can’t have you treating me like x/y/z’ ie you can still love the person and tell them that whilst removing yourself from them (or them from you) for yours and their benefit.

The money one is hard. Perhaps if he was diagnosed with something there would be a way to have an almost power of attorney style situation but I have no idea how that would work out.

Wishing you luck.

My goodness op I feel so sorry for you and I think the money is the least of your problems. You are in a domestic violence situation and he needs to leave. Do you have a partner/other children or is it just the two of you?

My aunt was in this situation with my cousin and she was a single parent, eventually she phoned the police one day and asked them to be there when she told her son to leave. They were great and helped him get his stuff together, she was told that if he came back she was to ring them immediately. He came back various times and the police were called but then he stopped and she met him sporadically in town or wherever but he just wanted money. She then didn't see him for 2 years but new he was still alive and then he decided to get clean and stop drinking, he has a wife and a baby now and hasn't touched drink or drugs for about 5 years. He does say though that if he had been allowed to continue living at home he wouldn't have sorted himself out.

Please don't carry on living like this and if you do tell him to leave before he turns 18 then Social Services will have a legal obligation to help him.

❤️

The money one is hard. Perhaps if he was diagnosed with something there would be a way to have an almost power of attorney style situation but I have no idea how that would work out.

The mental capacity act is clear on how to define lack of capacity
For power if attorney he would have to sign over
And why would he?

What BooksChocolateAndSleep said.

You're in an abusive situation and no amount of talking will help it.
The kindest thing may be to call the police when he kicks off and have him stay somewhere else.

Also get some support for yourself. It has to be hard and stressful on you.

Perhaps if he was diagnosed with something there would be a way to have an almost power of attorney style situation but I have no idea how that would work out.

A diagnosis wouldn't make a difference as it would still be the same threshold for lack of capacity.

Plus, he would have to engage with a diagnosis anyway and from what OP's said, he's not interested.

It all boils down to consent - since he clearly doesn't meet the threshold for lacking mental capacity to give consent, OP would be breaking the law by stealing his post or his mail. Because they are things that are rightfully his and can only be taken away from him with his consent.

OP obviously feels desperate to help and is clearly trying to protect him from himself. But she doesn't have the right to curtail his right to his own property and the law is on DS's side regarding the money.

Obviously, the law would be on OP's side in terms of the abuse and the drugs, so she has options. It's just that stealing his post and money isn't one of them.

I've PMd you @comingup