Help! Son must not have access to child trust fund

[Comingup]

My son will be 18 soon and is addicted to weed, he is aggressive and abusive. Can anyone tell me what actually happens when18th birthday comes up? Do they write to the child? Can I stop it from maturing or whatever it does. I am really panicking as I have had a massive altercation with him where he admits spending a fortune every week on weed. I plan to ring the company but after tonight don't think I will sleep at the thought of him having any more money to harm himself with.

I would tell him he can use that money to move out. And mean it. He has until X date to move out. If he wastes money, his issue.
He's an adult and it sounds like the responsibility will do him a lot of good, best thing you can do for him.

I'm so sorry OP, its really difficult. Its one of the reasons we have no savings in DDs name, but that is based on seeing outcomes very similar to this, its definitely not how most people I know do it.

In terms of the weed, I hate how much it has been normalised, or treated as if its only a problem if its a 'gateway' drug. I know two men who developed drug-induced schizophrenia at a similar age, I'm afraid to say both in their thirties are profoundly affected, one was never aggressive and so despite repeated mental health admissions was only ever a risk to himself, the other unfortunately was and still is extremely aggressive.

He has huge issues managing money, but again in between episodes of being committed he hits the threshold for having capacity. Its a huge burden for the extended family, there is a lot of worry, and very little to be done.

However, I do also know people who came back from heavy weed use at this age. I think for you, I'd start focusing on what you can do to protect yourself. He sounds like he is very abusive. If you did say he had to move out, what would happen? Would it get worse, would there be any help? Is there anything you can use to try and get him to access some form of support now, before he is 18? I think the best thing you can do for him, genuinely, is get supporting mechanisms in place for yourself. If the money is gone, the money is gone, but you need to start figuring out the best way to handle it - it might be that getting him to use the money as a deposit somewhere else could help. Are there any other adults he might listen to? There are al anon equivalents for family of drug addicts, I think now is the time to start reaching out for yourself.

So many replies, will try to address..
He has funded it from savings before, now he has a pt job so has said there's no issue..again,his money to do with what he likes.
MH issues? Yes very likely, I've sought him support over the years CAMHs etc ( useless).
Tried to get school to investigate possibility of Aspergers( I know this isn't diagnosed as such anymore) .It all came to nothing.
I have contacted college, talk to Frank etc but nothing has changed.
Not a trust fund as some pps are thinking, nothing to do with wills or solicitors, no stipulated conditions except free access at 18.

No other adults he will listen to. Just this one set of friends.

www.nar-anon.co.uk

I think all you can do is detach, make choices that keep you safe, and get support to focus on yourself to be well.

Your son will only change when he wants to.

There is lots of support out there for him if he wants it, right now he doesn't. You pushing him towards it won't work, as you sadly know.

He is an adult and can make his choices. Even bad ones.

But you are equally important and if you decide one of your boundaries is not to live with an active addict, and the abuse, then you can tell him he has to move out.

Perhaps the ctf money will be wasted on drugs. Perhaps he'll get a flat and realise the cost of rent and food.

You can't control this, you didn't cause it, and you can't cure him.

Looking after yourself isn't selfish, it's just not jumping in the river after him when he's refusing to see there is an issue.

@Upsky you do realise some parents don't understand certain things or how to manage money themselves
So yes on the national curriculum would be beneficial

Both my under-10 children will have this kind of issue at 18 and it’s my worst nightmare that they will blow it on drugs etc. I was anticipating the money would be used for university of similar.

Give that I can’t retrospectively change the JISAs to accounts in my name, can I ask what people think is the best thing to do? Is it better to keep the money’s existence a secret until nearer the time (and hope they’re still sensible then and use it as intended)? Or is it better to make them aware of it soon and involve them in planning what sensible things to do with it, in the hope that having openly called it something like “the university fund” for 8 years might have some effect?

Wow sorry for the previous advice I gave - your son sounds abusive, the pot is the topic but the wider issue is your son is treating you very poorly

Maybe you'd be emotionally better off if he had his trust fund & moved out. He can use that money to support himself & get his start on adult life, you don't have to live with abuse.

Being a pot head isn't the problem....

Not the case.

We tracked 19 years ds down a couple of months ago (i’d never put anything in it and didn’t know who it was with).

It wasn’t an issue.

@Catabogus

Both my under-10 children will have this kind of issue at 18 and it’s my worst nightmare that they will blow it on drugs etc. I was anticipating the money would be used for university of similar.

Give that I can’t retrospectively change the JISAs to accounts in my name, can I ask what people think is the best thing to do? Is it better to keep the money’s existence a secret until nearer the time (and hope they’re still sensible then and use it as intended)? Or is it better to make them aware of it soon and involve them in planning what sensible things to do with it, in the hope that having openly called it something like “the university fund” for 8 years might have some effect?

I've always been open with mine about money. Despite have been really sensible and reluctant to spend theirs and I think ds will be the same.

Ah shit, that was to the person saying their DN couldn’t get theirs

* Is he aware of the trust fund? To be honest, it’s probably not legal but I would just intercept any letters that came for him*

^I would do this

Ah it's a tricky situation, I created just a regular savings account for my little ones as my brother was a heroine addict and absolutely would have probably died having access to so much money at once. Not saying this is the case here of course, but that it's impossible to tell the scenario they will be in when they have access to it. Family and friends who have given money over the years for them I have been open and honest about it and left them to decide whether they want to or whether they want to save it themselves and give it when ready (although no obligation of course).

A lot of late teens grow out of it, but it is disheartening to think he will probably smoke it away, he might surprise you though- but ultimately its his choice.

He is an adult and entitled to both his post and his money.i can't believe so many on here are advocating this.

I agree he's an adult and you cannot hide his money from him or steal it back until such time as you decide he should be allowed it.

What you can do, however, is tell him he's no longer welcome to stay in the family home. And advise him to use the money to set himself up. After that, it's up to him.

@Hankunamatata

Probably dodgy legal ground but I'd hide the paperwork and it tell him until later

I would certainly do this too.

Don't open the lettet, just hide it and then when he has turned a corner give him the letter. Or even put it with the post one day and pretend it has just arrived and then express 'how strange' when he wonders why it has taken 2/3/4 years to arrive.

@RedHelenB

He is an adult and entitled to both his post and his money.i can't believe so many on here are advocating this.

Even if you might still disagree, you have presumably not had many addict family members to say you 'can't believe' it. It's awful to see someone else's hard earned savings go up in smoke or be shot up someone's arm - and extra hard as a mother of an 18 year old who may well turn his life around and deeply regret his choices in a few more years. None of this money was earned by him, it's a lucky windfall not a birthright.

I sympathise a lot with you OP, whatever you choose.

There isn't a choice though. That's the point I'm making.

This is why we don't save in our children's names, other than pocket money/Christmas and birthday money that goes into instant access accounts. My elder DS got a CTF payment and we added a small amount of money - £375 - left by my grandpa for potential future grandchildren. He's 12 now and there's about £1200 in there with investment growth. For DS2, who didn't get a CTF, we started a JISA with grandpa's money and matched what his brother got from the government. They both know about it and like to ask occasionally how much they have and what I've invested it in.

Another reason for saving in our names is that you never know what life brings. Imagine if DH or I became unable to work and we had £00000s sat in a child's account for their 18th birthday but we couldn't afford to eat. We would rather give them a good childhood and hopefully have some money to help them out later on.

If he's going to come into some money and will be living with you, could you charge him rent (cheaper than he'd get elsewhere so he doesn't flounce out) and then save it for him in the hope that he'll grow up and become more sensible in future?

@beastlyslumber

I agree he's an adult and you cannot hide his money from him or steal it back until such time as you decide he should be allowed it.

What you can do, however, is tell him he's no longer welcome to stay in the family home. And advise him to use the money to set himself up. After that, it's up to him.

Great so chuck out the kid and let him find his own way. I despair.

@HeartsAndClubs

It may not be an issue anyway. DN turned 18 recently and rang whatever line it is you have to talk to and was told all the funds closed 2 years ago and there is no way of accessing them any more.

I don’t know anyone else who has one, but I do know that he’s been told by the gov team that he won’t be given any money.

That's not correct. It might have been transferred to another fund.

Out of the blue 12 months ago we got a letter from my son't provider (he turns 18 next year reminding us that he can either take control of the account now or wait until he is 18.

@VladmirsPoutine surely you can see the OP predicament though? She's essentially in an abusive relationship with a drug abuser. It seems like she's been trying to get him help and has been taking advice herself.

I agree it would be a final resort to tell her son to leave, but what do you suggest she does? It sounds like she is at the end of her tether.

Not much choice if he's being verbally abusive and violent or demanding money all the time.

@Jesusstolemyhotrod

Ds started with 250.... and at 13 still has 250. We started a separate account for him.

I just checked my kids. We went with Asda. Both funds are worth less than £400 and they’re 14 and 15 years old. I did loads of research too 😂

[quote icanbewhatiwant]@Comingup mine both got £250 CTF but not a second £250 age 7. I want the other £250 now. I thought the government stopped the second payment. Personally I would keep the letters when they arrive for a while so he doesn't have the money (one of mine is 18 next month and I got a letter first telling me Ds will get a letter shortly) It's not like you are steeling the money. But he might change in a year or so. My mum put money away for me when I was 18. But it was in her name so when I turned 18 she bought herself a car with the money. Now that felt like she was taking my money...you are not keeping it...so I don't know why people are saying you shouldn't do that. No harm in not telling him for a while. [/quote]
We never got a second payment either. My kids are worth £340-£380 now! 15 years later!