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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help! Son must not have access to child trust fund

402 replies

Comingup · 17/10/2021 20:34

My son will be 18 soon and is addicted to weed, he is aggressive and abusive. Can anyone tell me what actually happens when18th birthday comes up? Do they write to the child? Can I stop it from maturing or whatever it does. I am really panicking as I have had a massive altercation with him where he admits spending a fortune every week on weed. I plan to ring the company but after tonight don't think I will sleep at the thought of him having any more money to harm himself with.

OP posts:
VillanellesOrangeCoat · 18/10/2021 08:50

@beastlyslumber

It's like living with an abuser

Not 'like' - it IS living with an abuser. Sorry OP. I think you should tell him to move out with his money. Thank God you can give him those funds which represent a chance to sort himself out - but do tell him to leave and support himself from now on. You've done your bit and you can't keep living this way.

Completely agree with this. That he’s your son may complicate the emotions you’re feeling but the fact remains that he is an abuser.
Ambersand · 18/10/2021 08:50

If I were you I'd intercept the post

Echobelly · 18/10/2021 08:57

Well, it's his to fritter away and realised later what an idiot he was. Maybe a lesson to be learned for him.

Bedsheets4knickers · 18/10/2021 09:01

I kick myself every day for taking out child trust funds . I wish I'd of known better and just opened savings accounts for them both . In MY name . They'll appreciate the money far more at 30 then at 18 .

theremustonlybeone · 18/10/2021 09:06

My DD turns 18 too and I have already been advised that I can no longer touch the account. She has been wrtitten to separately and given advice on what to do. I didnt both adding money to this so it isnt that much in their.

Your son will smoke this whether he has that money or not. How is he funding his habit at the moment? Perhaps tell him to use the money to put a deposit down on his own flat

52andblue · 18/10/2021 09:08

placemarking

daytripper28 · 18/10/2021 09:22

@Comingup as he doesn't know about the money why on earth would you tell him? It's a no brainer - don't tell him.

And to those posters saying that's dishonest - yes well so screaming abuse at your mother and being disrespectful isn't nice either.

When he's in a better place ie not smoking wacky backy every day - then tell him about the fund.

daytripper28 · 18/10/2021 09:25

Perhaps tell him to use the money to put a deposit down on his own flat

Unfortunately - this 17 year old will most likely not give one shit what his mum suggests to him - it's a lot more likely he will ignore and spend the money on drugs/whatever he wants.

Lockdownbear · 18/10/2021 09:27

@Whattodo1610
It's easy to say kids should be taught about money, but teenagers are teenagers and
rebel, get addicted, think they know it all, do stupid things, never a good idea for kids or teens to get money too easily.

fruitbrewhaha · 18/10/2021 09:27

If he doesn't know about it, could you do a change of address to someone else's address? So he doesn't get the letters.

To your parents, or a good friend.

I'd also tell him to move out. You can't continue to live this way.

mumda · 18/10/2021 09:34

Hide letter.
No advice about his weed habit though. There's probably a good URL giving help and support for parents.

randomthings · 18/10/2021 09:36

Oh my God OP, that is so hard. Are there any addiction organisations that you can talk to for advice?

I would be wondering if it is best to kick him out or not. He can use the money to fund his lifestyle as he wants then. It will probably be a hard lesson if he ever sorts himself out and realises he pissed all that money up the wall. But hard lessons are sometimes worth going through.

But then I know nothing really about addictions or what, if anything, can be done to support people with addictions.

I also don't know what the legal consequences are if he ever finds out you withheld his access to these funds.

Lotusmonster · 18/10/2021 09:37

I know this sounds harsh, but I’d save the letters up and have that money ear marked for potential rehab, private therapy costs and deposit on his own flat to move out ……when he’s at the point of rock-bottom and truly ready to start turning his life around (you cannot force that by the way). The money would be very very well spent on that.

Lotusmonster · 18/10/2021 09:46

Priory do a 28 residential addiction program. I believe the ongoing success rate v much depends on the patients engagement and ‘point of readiness’ plus them signing up to AA etc when they leave. If he tries to leave and acquire drugs becoming a danger to himself and others they can and will section him. I’d have the money ready to spend on that….but he’s got to want it. Don’t mop up after him or try to sanitise his life. If he blacks out on the floor make sure he’s safe and in the recovery position, but leave him there. If he gets kicked out of college, don’t have his back. If he’s violent, call the police.All these things might bring matters to a head sooner rather than later and help him want change.

SofiaMichelle · 18/10/2021 09:52

@52andblue

placemarking
What does that mean?
Upsky · 18/10/2021 09:53

Did the relative leave the money with any stipulation about when he got it?
When we set up our wills for DC originally we set up trusts that allowed for the money to be given in stages, some at 18, 21 and the rest at 25.
Is there any way of doing this for the government trust fund? Could you get legal advice?

I honestly think financial affairs should be on the national curriculum in some format. Teaching our kids about rent, mortgages, utilities, council tax, savings, pensions and so on. Needs before wants This is a parents job, just as teaching them how to use a knife and fork when they are little.
We did that and the upshot was we gave our DC a lump sum at 20 which they have invested themselves.

However all the financial awareness in the world is no use to an addict.
I agree with the posters who said hide the letters and let him do the work. Illegal or immoral I would not care, that's what I would do.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 18/10/2021 09:59

Wow.
Even if he is troubled, it's his money, his post, his mistake to make.
The attitudes on here are unbelievable!
Let's say when you are elderly and maybe a little befuddled and spending all your cash on crap ornaments from qvc.
If that your mistake to manage? Or should he intercept your post? Withhold your pension because you're being frivolous?
You wouldn't allow that to happen.
Leave him be. This is his life whether you like it or not. Be there, gently encourage. Don't be a control freak, it will push him away.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 18/10/2021 10:01

Just read your update.
He can take his cash and leave

Hoppinggreen · 18/10/2021 10:06

@Comingup

He doesn't know but there is a substantial amount in there. This is just awful then. So even if I tell them the circumstances it will make no difference.
Does he live with you? If you got to the letter first then he would have no idea about it. Obviously this may be illegal and I would definitely never advise this
Rannva · 18/10/2021 10:11

This is why we didn't put any extra money into our kids'. We have no idea what they'll be like at 18.

It's in another account in my name. They can access it when I decide - which is basically for a reasonable reason like work, housing, car etc. Not drugs or booze.

It was a silly idea, in the end.

AdmiralCain · 18/10/2021 10:17

I'm a trustee of a fund and without revealing to much info at times we have felt due to addictions, criminal behavior we should withhold the trust fund. The benefactor of the trust can turn around at a later date and say 'I wasn't well and didn't have the mental capacity to handle that kind of money' and if they spunk it all can later sue the trustees saying they were; non compos mentis

Tell whoever is the trustee if they issue that trust fund they can leave themselves open to litigation.

Branleuse · 18/10/2021 10:18

I thought most people set their trust funds to mature in their twenties these days to avoid it being pissed up the wall by teenagers.

As he is so aggressive and abusive, could you not say to him, youre getting your trust fund soon. I suggest you use it as a deposit for a flat instead of weed, as youre moving out son.

Hadjab · 18/10/2021 10:22

@HeartsAndClubs

All CTFs were transferred to new providers when the scheme was shut down - there is absolutely no way there is no money in it, at the very least, the initial £250 should be there.

www.gov.uk/child-trust-funds/find-a-child-trust-fund

WhatMattersMost · 18/10/2021 10:26

@Comingup

I am seeking help. It's like living with an abuser, I think anxiety in this situation would be pretty normal. He's not one of these chilled cool dudes where everything is relaxed. He's a volatile,aggressive almost fully grown man threatening and screaming obscenities, and hiding my stuff if he doesn't get money,or telling me I'll have the house smashed up next time I come back.
Have you thought about the possibility that he has a nascent mental health issue for which he is self-medicating?

I only because schizophrenia onset is about this age, and very often they will self-medicate with weed (which not only exacerbates, but in some cases triggers, episodes).

DomPom47 · 18/10/2021 10:58

Although it’s his money I would do my best to stop him from accessing it. If that means you open and hide letters so be it. You are not stealing his money but merely stopping him from using it for drugs. Does he have any positive role models that he listens to that can speak to him about the drugs and his lack of attention to college? Sorry you are experiencing this 💐