To NOT want a weekly visitation from MIL

[MermaidTail7]

DP, DD and I moved back to our home town after 20+ years of being at least an hours drive from both our families. The move was predominantly to be closer to family and in a village rather than inner city location for DD and DS who arrived in late summer.

We bought a house that needs major renovation and are pretty much mortgaged to the hilt, esp. With me currently on mat leave. We are in the same village as my parents (by accident rather than design) and about 15 mins away from MIL. We are doing the renovations ourselves while looking after a toddler, a baby and DP works FT a 1.5 hour drive away during the week. Therefore weekends are spent with me entertaining the kids while DP Works on the house.

My parents (70+, not perfect health, but eager to stay active) are around quite a bit, but are always here helping, so my dad will help DP with building work and my mum will watch the kids so I can clean/shower/Change beds.

MiL (DP's mum 60+ but less mobile due to old injuries) has got into the habit of coming to see us every weekend. I totally understand she wants to see her son and grandchildren now we are so close, DD loves her Nanny to pieces and I am sure DS will too once he cares about something other than boobs. But when she comes to visit everything has to stop and we all have to sit around listening to her tales of woe, which usually involve her hinting at her wanting DP to do something for her that she is perfectly capable of sorting out, and paying for herself.... The latest was wanting him to put in a new downstairs bathroom for her 'before winter' while currently sat in our building site of a house!! She is also deeply uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her, and while she is here we get no work done on the house, then DP spends the week stressing about how little work he got done over the weekend.

I have tried gently pointing this out to MIL when she visits, but she just says she doesn't understand why we haven't hired a builder.

I've also tried suggesting to DP that he gets his mum to come of an evening.. She could watch the baby while I give the toddler her dinner, be there for bath and bed, have dinner with us and then head home.. But it's fallen on deaf ears as he's not a forward planner..

What can I do?

Take the kids to your MIL's place. She can see them, and your partner can get on with things more efficiently.

YANBU but its rhe old addage, you don't have a MiL problem so much as a dh problem. Of course tell her to come in the evening, and he needs to tell her he cant do diy for her right now. And if she drops by during the day you all get on with ehatever you are doing, except maybe for 1 quick cup of tea.

Talk to her yourself. I don't understand all this "his parent his problem" nonsense.
Just ask her if she would like to come for her tea once a week and spend time with the kids. Explain it as you have here that dh needs to crack on with the house at weekends. Or could you take the kids to hers for a couple of hours at the weekend?

Don’t speak to your MIL about this, or you will be the bad one.

Don’t speak to your husband again about this - he knows your views.

You need action and not words. You MIL and your husband won’t change , because they like things the way they are. So you are the one who needs to change.

When your MIL comes over, go out to see your own friends / parents at their houses. Take the kids if you like so your husband can get on with the building work. Or leave them if he wants to watch them while he chats to his mother.

Be polite but firm and say have already made plans and you are going to visit X. Say “ I’m sure you and Dh will have a lovely visit “ and wave goodbye.

Then your Dh can choose what he wants to do :

1. Sit and talk to his mother all day
2. Tell her not to come over so often / uninvited so that he can get on with the work.

As soon as you make this HIS problem and not yours, he will sort it.

Don't stop what you are doing when she turns up. DP can stick his head in to say hello, tools in hand just passing through. Get her to put the kettle on if she wants a drink as you have your hands full. She can make you a drink whilst she's there. Get her to amuse the eldest whilst you feed/change/settle youngest, prep dinner & do what you need to. Chat on the move.
She will either be useful, or get annoyed & not come round so often when you are busy. Win win.

Are her visits pre-arranged in any way or is she just popping round unannounced? I can't be doing with the latter from anyone. This is 2021 and everyone can send a quick message beforehand.

Ideally your DP would be handling this but it shouldn't be too hard if he's being useless.

Send MIL a message specifically inviting her around for eg 7pm (or whenever's best in the evening). Let her know she can watch the baby while you sort the toddler.

If she pushes back and says she wants to come in the daytime, just say sorry, that's not convenient for you. You don't need to explain why. If she pushes further you can hint at prior commitments or generally being too busy. If she pushes further than that then you definitely have an intrusive MIL problem and it is time for your DP to step up.

I think you just have to be assertive about your boundaries.
Dont stop everything for her. When she comes round just do what you would normally be doing if she wasn't there.. and if she comments on that then just explain why.. that you have all this work to do and she visits every single weekend which you are happy about, but you cannot devote this time to her as though she were a formal guest. If she wants to visit that often it has to be as a helpful part of the family not a formally hosted guest. Explain that this is the case with your parents. Explain you value her and your children love to see her but you have a lot of work to do and need to be doing it.
And then just dont deviate from what you've set up. You needn't feel guilty you need to boundary your time properly for your own sake. You have the right to do that.

I'd carry on working around her.
Sorry mil but there's so much to do, we really need to stick to the plan. How about we come over at x / you come over at y , and we can catch up.

Stop treating it like a royal visit by dropping everything and giving her an audience and more like business as usual.
When she drops in out the kettle on and set a timer on your phone for (say) half an hour. In that time you give her your attention and chat /listen to her moaning. When it goes off you get back to what you were doing or get started on whatever it was you had planned to do. Say something like “right mil I have to strip the beds/ put a wash on/ tidy these toys away etc , you can sit here and finish your cuppa, chat with the dc etc or you can come with me”. Encourage your dh to do the same.
If she hints she wants work done in her house just don’t engage, change the subject or do a “look at dc doing something cute”

It is not easy in situations like this. My mum and brother life 10-15 minutes away are regularly pop in and are similar to your parents in that they just get on with things whilst here, my brother will be helping my husband with the garden or decorating, or they might look after the kids so I can get stuff done, they will make rounds of tea for all, sometimes even make lunch or dinner etc. Having them visit is no hindrance. My sister in law also visits every couple of weeks and is the same.

Whenever my husband's parents visit, despite only living 35 minutes away, it is always made out as if they have just travelled here from another country. My FiL is great, will again quite happily make rounds of tea, play with the kids and that is in spite of him being in pain on a permanent basis due to various medical conditions, I know he is the same at home as well. However my MiL has the view that every visit seems to need to be "formal", she wants to be waited on, gets annoyed if we do not have M&S quiche, salad and freshly baked bread for lunch on every visit, she will expect an evening meal "of a certain standard" when they decide to stay an extra 4-5 hours (which they are welcome to do), but will complain that we do not have exactly what she wants to eat in the fridge for an unplanned visit. She will complain that she is thirsty rather than get herself a glass of water, to the point where my husband has shown her where the glasses are multiple times but will still complain "Oh I'm so thirsty" multiple times rather than get one herself, my husband and father once decided to see how long it would take for her to get one herself, they went three hours later and she still would not get herself a glass of water (I was in the garden with the children, my husband and FiL were putting in a new floor in the lounge and MiL was sat on a chair on the patio, near to where they were cutting the flooring, both my husband and FiL told her to get one herself as they were busy, my eldest even said "Nanny, I can show you how to use the tap if you want me to" (it is a normal tap). Honestly it drives me fucking nuts!

Outside of being in our home she is lovely, at theirs, at my SiLs on days out, restaurants, even at my brother's home (big house, he hosted Christmas for us all in 2019 as we were in the middle of renovation and had no kitchen and we all wanted both families to be able to spend time with the kids for Christmas). It is just for some reason that when at our house she chooses to become totally helpless and attention seeking. I wish she would be normal as it is the only thing that makes our relationship (or that with my husband/her son) difficult.

Rant over!

I agree - I think I’d encourage DP and co to carry on what they were doing - make her a cuppa and carry on with your day.
“Sorry MiL, DP and I didn’t get what we wanted done last weekend, due to one thing and another” -pointed look- “so I’m afraid we can’t stop to chat, but you’re welcome to stay and help out with childcare/sweeping/making us lunch”

Sorry, no answer to your issue, mine is similar and we don't seem to be able to change her.

Put the kettle on obviously

Start going out with the kids when she arrives.

Let DH sit and chew the fat with her for hours on end.

Do it every single weekend.

It won't take long for him to put a stop to the weekend visits ;-)

@WildfirePonie

Start going out with the kids when she arrives.

Let DH sit and chew the fat with her for hours on end.

Do it every single weekend.

It won't take long for him to put a stop to the weekend visits ;-)

I agree, plan something to do with the kids and just carry on doing what you normally would.

If she turns up just leave the kids with her and get on with your day! If she then talks non-stop to DH he'll soon get fed up and realise he needs to get on. No way would I be pandering to her and sitting there and chatting when I had stuff to do.

I don’t understand why everything has to stop

DH needs to set expectations that she is welcome, but has to remember you are doing up a house so he will be carrying on working

If he won’t then you do it

Why would you stop with your weekend plans - just carry on with whatever you are doing. I don’t understand the problem?

As soon as you make this HIS problem and not yours, he will sort it.

^ this advice fits so many situations on Mumsnet.

Well of course she keeps doing it. You all facilitate it and it’s what she wants 🤷🏼‍♀️

You don't need to stop what you're all doing and sit around to listen to her. Your DP doesn't need to fit a bathroom for her before winter, or at all if he doesn't want to. I suspect you feel it would be terribly rude if you didn't do these things but actually, she is the rude one to keep turning up when she knows her son and his young family are living in a building site and she's stopping them getting on. She is the rude one to turn up unannounced and demand everyone's undivided attention. She is the rude one to make you feel uncomfortable feeding your baby in your own home. She is the rude one for expecting that her son should spend his time making improvements on her house rather than making sure her grandchildren actually have an adequate roof over their heads. I think if you can frame the situation this way and realise that she is actually being very uncaring, very selfish, very demanding and very rude, it will be much easier for you both to get tough with her.

Next time she turns up, just say "oh MIL, it's nice to see you but as you know we are really up against it with the house on weekends. Why don't I make you a cuppa and you can play with DC1, but unfortunately DH and I will have to crack on". He can pop his head round the door to say hi to his mum and then get back to it.

One tactic that has worked wonders with my mum (different situation but when she doesn't get her way she huffs and sulks, can be snappy etc) is if I basically treat her like a toddler. I just ignore the undesirable behaviour and respond to her in a bright breezy manner. It has the effect of highlighting how unreasonable and childish her behaviour is so that most of the time she is too embarrassed to keep it up. On other occasions at least it means I'm not getting dragged into an argument.

For example, if you get the sense that MIL is huffing at being left to it with her cup of tea and the older grandchild, you just ignore that behaviour and when you next come into the room you breezily offer her another cup of tea or whatever. Let's say she sarcastically says "oh no, I wouldn't want to get in the way", you just respond super friendly, big smile and say "OK well you know where the kettle is!" Then continue to crack on with the baby, jobs etc. It just completely disarms them.

I'd start making a point of inviting her over in the week for tea once or twice, or maybe offering to visit her and take some chips or whatever. Then at these visits you can explain that once the house is finished, you can arrange to spend some time together at weekends but for now everything is just so busy etc.

She's got 3 options really. She will either A) get fed up of coming round and not being the centre of attention so she'll stop, B) she'll realise you're busy and actually make herself useful when she comes at the weekend or C) She’ll carry on coming and sulking but at least you’ll be getting on with stuff.

Suggest to her that she hire a builder to fit her downstairs bathroom. Unless there are existing water, drains and electrical connections for it, it's really a job for a licensed plumber.

'which usually involve her hinting at her wanting DP to do something for her that she is perfectly capable of sorting out,'

So ironic when your own parents are round 'quite a bit' helping you out.

Just communicate effectively. Invite her round so she knows exactly when she is welcome.

going massively against the grain here and just for context my culture/values are probably somewhat old fashioned, but what's wrong with seeing family? isn't that what it's all about really? do you invite her for lunch on Sat or Sunday, take her out for tea, make an effort to respect her and include her, make time for her? how much tome would you say is reasonable because I would say a couple of hours a week minimum.

we do a whole say every other week with pils.

I get you're busy renovating and parenting but I don't think she's being hugely cheeky for expecting to spend quality time with you all. or am I missing something?

@sTRUTHiomimus

Don’t speak to your MIL about this, or you will be the bad one.

Don’t speak to your husband again about this - he knows your views.

You need action and not words. You MIL and your husband won’t change , because they like things the way they are. So you are the one who needs to change.

When your MIL comes over, go out to see your own friends / parents at their houses. Take the kids if you like so your husband can get on with the building work. Or leave them if he wants to watch them while he chats to his mother.

Be polite but firm and say have already made plans and you are going to visit X. Say “ I’m sure you and Dh will have a lovely visit “ and wave goodbye.

Then your Dh can choose what he wants to do :

1. Sit and talk to his mother all day
2. Tell her not to come over so often / uninvited so that he can get on with the work.

As soon as you make this HIS problem and not yours, he will sort it.

This is the only way to tackle the situation you find yourself in @MermaidTail7.

Also, tell your DH if he installs a downstairs toilet for his mother before he finishes doing the DIY on the house that you've bought together, he can move home to be able to use it permanently! She doesn't get to jump the queue here or take your DH's valuable time. He is doing the DIY on the house that her grandchildren are living in. That trumps everything!

sorry for my appalling typos, new phone. time not tome, day not say