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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want a weekly visitation from MIL

98 replies

MermaidTail7 · 17/10/2021 11:21

DP, DD and I moved back to our home town after 20+ years of being at least an hours drive from both our families. The move was predominantly to be closer to family and in a village rather than inner city location for DD and DS who arrived in late summer.

We bought a house that needs major renovation and are pretty much mortgaged to the hilt, esp. With me currently on mat leave. We are in the same village as my parents (by accident rather than design) and about 15 mins away from MIL. We are doing the renovations ourselves while looking after a toddler, a baby and DP works FT a 1.5 hour drive away during the week. Therefore weekends are spent with me entertaining the kids while DP Works on the house.

My parents (70+, not perfect health, but eager to stay active) are around quite a bit, but are always here helping, so my dad will help DP with building work and my mum will watch the kids so I can clean/shower/Change beds.

MiL (DP's mum 60+ but less mobile due to old injuries) has got into the habit of coming to see us every weekend. I totally understand she wants to see her son and grandchildren now we are so close, DD loves her Nanny to pieces and I am sure DS will too once he cares about something other than boobs. But when she comes to visit everything has to stop and we all have to sit around listening to her tales of woe, which usually involve her hinting at her wanting DP to do something for her that she is perfectly capable of sorting out, and paying for herself.... The latest was wanting him to put in a new downstairs bathroom for her 'before winter' while currently sat in our building site of a house!! She is also deeply uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her, and while she is here we get no work done on the house, then DP spends the week stressing about how little work he got done over the weekend.

I have tried gently pointing this out to MIL when she visits, but she just says she doesn't understand why we haven't hired a builder.

I've also tried suggesting to DP that he gets his mum to come of an evening.. She could watch the baby while I give the toddler her dinner, be there for bath and bed, have dinner with us and then head home.. But it's fallen on deaf ears as he's not a forward planner..

What can I do?

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/10/2021 14:03

Just keep your routine and stop entertaining her.

TheShadoutCrepes · 17/10/2021 14:07

Your thread title implies your MIL is deceased and is coming round in a non-corporeal form, in which case YANBU to object to her visitations regardless of the frequency.

I believe the Church of England offers some services which may be of assistance.

QueenBee52 · 17/10/2021 14:14

@TheShadoutCrepes

Your thread title implies your MIL is deceased and is coming round in a non-corporeal form, in which case YANBU to object to her visitations regardless of the frequency.

I believe the Church of England offers some services which may be of assistance.

oh my 😳

RealBecca · 17/10/2021 14:14

If i was you id make it your husbands problem and make plans on her visiting day to go out on your own. He'll soon get fucked off managing 2 kids and placating his mum and asking for a solution, at which point you can support his decision rather than nag.

MyPatronusIsACat · 17/10/2021 14:14

@MermaidTail7

We are in the same village as my parents (by accident rather than design) and about 15 mins away from MIL.

How can you have 'accidentally' have moved into the same village as your in-laws? Confused

YABU. You actively chose to move closer to your in-laws.

MyPatronusIsACat · 17/10/2021 14:17

@TheShadoutCrepes

Your thread title implies your MIL is deceased and is coming round in a non-corporeal form, in which case YANBU to object to her visitations regardless of the frequency.

I believe the Church of England offers some services which may be of assistance.

'Visitation' does not just mean a visit from someone deceased. It has a few meanings.

www.bing.com/search?q=visitation+meaning&cvid=19934a30586443589de241336bec1bc4&aqs=edge.1.0l8j69i60.3517j0j1&pglt=2083&FORM=ANNTA1&PC=ASTS

Duchess379 · 17/10/2021 14:18

I don't understand why hubby stops working - is she The Queen or something? When MIL comes around, just crack on with your day. Hubby does DIY & you with the kids. Don't accommodate her, she'll soon get the hint.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2021 14:19

You left out the previous part about op going out.

My point was if pp is suggestion that op should go out rather than chew the fat, then dh may go out when op parents come to chew the fat when the house is finished.

My suggestion is carry on around her, or give her a role.

Still ridiculous and petty. And just nonsensical. The reason that it’s been suggested that OP takes the kids out is not to avoid “chewing the fat”. It’s to deter her from visiting on busy weekends (which only needs to be done because she has rudely ignored direct pleas so far) and holding up the work on the house and disapproving of OP breastfeeding in her own home. To be honest, the breastfeeding thing alone is disgraceful enough to warrant OP wanting to get out of the house and avoid her, but OP graciously seems quite forgiving of that and is really only concerned that she stops coming and holding up the build.

Once the build is over, why would anybody be leaving the house when guests come over? There will be no need. To suggest otherwise is childish in the extreme.

I can just hear the conversation with OP’s parents now. “Mum and dad, you know how I ended up having to take the kids out all the time on weekends so that MIL would stop coming over and preventing you and DH from doing the building work? And you’ll remember how you both gave up lots of your free time to help us with the build and the kids so we could get the project finished more quickly? Well there’s this poster on mumsnet who thinks that now the build is over, DH needs to take the children out when you visit on weekends because it’s only fair”. So childish.

Freddiefox · 17/10/2021 14:23

@IWantT0BreakFree

You left out the previous part about op going out.

My point was if pp is suggestion that op should go out rather than chew the fat, then dh may go out when op parents come to chew the fat when the house is finished.

My suggestion is carry on around her, or give her a role.

Still ridiculous and petty. And just nonsensical. The reason that it’s been suggested that OP takes the kids out is not to avoid “chewing the fat”. It’s to deter her from visiting on busy weekends (which only needs to be done because she has rudely ignored direct pleas so far) and holding up the work on the house and disapproving of OP breastfeeding in her own home. To be honest, the breastfeeding thing alone is disgraceful enough to warrant OP wanting to get out of the house and avoid her, but OP graciously seems quite forgiving of that and is really only concerned that she stops coming and holding up the build.

Once the build is over, why would anybody be leaving the house when guests come over? There will be no need. To suggest otherwise is childish in the extreme.

I can just hear the conversation with OP’s parents now. “Mum and dad, you know how I ended up having to take the kids out all the time on weekends so that MIL would stop coming over and preventing you and DH from doing the building work? And you’ll remember how you both gave up lots of your free time to help us with the build and the kids so we could get the project finished more quickly? Well there’s this poster on mumsnet who thinks that now the build is over, DH needs to take the children out when you visit on weekends because it’s only fair”. So childish.

Don’t stop, keep going! No one needs to go out. Stop hosting her, treat her like family and then it up to her what she does.
Freddiefox · 17/10/2021 14:25

@IWantT0BreakFree

You left out the previous part about op going out.

My point was if pp is suggestion that op should go out rather than chew the fat, then dh may go out when op parents come to chew the fat when the house is finished.

My suggestion is carry on around her, or give her a role.

Still ridiculous and petty. And just nonsensical. The reason that it’s been suggested that OP takes the kids out is not to avoid “chewing the fat”. It’s to deter her from visiting on busy weekends (which only needs to be done because she has rudely ignored direct pleas so far) and holding up the work on the house and disapproving of OP breastfeeding in her own home. To be honest, the breastfeeding thing alone is disgraceful enough to warrant OP wanting to get out of the house and avoid her, but OP graciously seems quite forgiving of that and is really only concerned that she stops coming and holding up the build.

Once the build is over, why would anybody be leaving the house when guests come over? There will be no need. To suggest otherwise is childish in the extreme.

I can just hear the conversation with OP’s parents now. “Mum and dad, you know how I ended up having to take the kids out all the time on weekends so that MIL would stop coming over and preventing you and DH from doing the building work? And you’ll remember how you both gave up lots of your free time to help us with the build and the kids so we could get the project finished more quickly? Well there’s this poster on mumsnet who thinks that now the build is over, DH needs to take the children out when you visit on weekends because it’s only fair”. So childish.

Chewing the fat was the term used by the pp, and op not wanting to chew the fat. Have a look at it, and you will see.
IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2021 14:27

@Freddiefox well yeah…Dozens of people have suggested to just keep carrying on with work etc. when she’s there. That isn’t the part of your comment that was ridiculous.

godmum56 · 17/10/2021 14:29

simple....welcome her effusively, hand her a sanding block, paintbrush,/point her in the direction of the kettle/microwave/iron and laundry as appropriate and BF the baby wherever you like. If she wants a toilet fitted then "kindly" find her a list of decent plumbers.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2021 14:31

Chewing the fat was the term used by the pp, and op not wanting to chew the fat. Have a look at it, and you will see.

If your takeaway from the thread is that OP just doesn’t like chatting with MIL then you are missing the point entirely.

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 17/10/2021 14:32

So she’s stubborn, and wants her DS to prioritise her above his responsibilities to you, his D.C. and his house, while he works FT and renovates at the weekend. And your SIL piles additional pressure on him to prioritise your MIL (easy for her living 3 hours away Hmm).

I’d be deaf to it all. Your DP has to sort this out himself. I would make it very clear that renovating your home while you deal with a toddler and newborn have to be his top priority. Sometimes people don’t like making tough decisions, but your DP finds himself now with a lot on his plate. There aren’t enough hours in his day. Your MIL and SIL completely ignore you, so he’s got to sort them out.

Potterurotter · 17/10/2021 14:34

I have similarities with your situation OP. If mil feels unwelcome without your undivided attention she shouldn’t come, life goes on and things need to get done in a busy home. As for dh I’d be saying he can deal with it and disappearing with the kids for the afternoon for a nice hot chocolate somewhere. Every weekend is too much IMO. I’m not sure why husbands seem to think that it’s the wife’s job to entertain their mother!

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 17/10/2021 14:35

Also, bollocks to you leaving your own house with a toddler and a newborn to make space for MIL who’s priority seems to be herself. Why on Earth should you? And how is that practical or doable or desirable? And when would DP see his dc if he works FT and has a 1.5hr commute? The baby is breastfed. Just no. MIL needs to pack it in, SIL needs to pack it in.

Freddiefox · 17/10/2021 14:36

@IWantT0BreakFree

Chewing the fat was the term used by the pp, and op not wanting to chew the fat. Have a look at it, and you will see.

If your takeaway from the thread is that OP just doesn’t like chatting with MIL then you are missing the point entirely.

But that was the point to the poster I tagged in, which want you, which you left out. They weren’t talking about the building work, they were just talking about op not wanting to chew the fat with mil, which is why I said things like that go both ways. And if the suggestion is for op to go, once the building work is finished, then dh may well choose to do the same with op dps. But you’ve just selected a part that suits you and left out the wider context.
Freddiefox · 17/10/2021 14:38

[quote IWantT0BreakFree]@Freddiefox well yeah…Dozens of people have suggested to just keep carrying on with work etc. when she’s there. That isn’t the part of your comment that was ridiculous.[/quote]
But that’s the point, you’ve taken one online out of a comment, read the whole comment. And the pp’s comment who I was responding too

PurpleMustang · 17/10/2021 14:38

Agree with all of the above. And if she is going to keep being stubborn to try to get her own way just ignore or reply back a bit, "we have no money but you could get a builder to do your work", "we can't stop yet, we need to get the house safe and done for the kids, come back xxxx" and when his sister chips in just tell her "she does x and y, while we are trying to do x and y, what do you suggest" make it their problem not yours

Freddiefox · 17/10/2021 14:38

@IWantT0BreakFree

Chewing the fat was the term used by the pp, and op not wanting to chew the fat. Have a look at it, and you will see.

If your takeaway from the thread is that OP just doesn’t like chatting with MIL then you are missing the point entirely.

And if you read the comment properly, I was saying that op going out wasn’t a great thing to start doing!
RobertaFirmino · 17/10/2021 14:39

DD loves her Nanny to pieces and I am sure DS will too once he cares about something other than boobs

Your DC is male. There is a strong possibility this will never happen!

Only joking! Seriously, your MIL sounds like a PITA. Have you actually had this out with DH? About him agreeing to visits and subsequently stressing about DIY which hasn't been completed because of agreed visit? Maybe he could have a draft text on his phone, ready to send when needed, stating that a visit would be impossible this weekend as there is simply too much work to be done.

WRT the bathroom, do you know of any good fitters? If so, suggest these to MIL at the first hint. You/DH could advise her to ask on the community FB page for a decent installer. Cut her down before she has the chance to ask directly. Bugger being 'gentle', it doesn't seem to be working.

IWantT0BreakFree · 17/10/2021 14:40

And if you read the comment properly, I was saying that op going out wasn’t a great thing to start doing!

Yep. Already clarified that this wasn’t the part of your comment that was ridiculous.

HollowTalk · 17/10/2021 14:44

@adaptiveness

Take the kids to your MIL's place. She can see them, and your partner can get on with things more efficiently.
What?
HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 17/10/2021 14:51

My late MIL was a bit like this and would turn up wanting cups of tea and meals (when I had half a kitchen and a BF baby) and expect to be "entertained". I just used to give her the ironing/washing to put on or peg out - or other small jobs - and we didnt stop what we were doing. My parents were much more practical people and if they came over would bring a meal snacks or cake, toolbox (dad bless him!), take the older DC to the park for a break, and were happy to put the kettle on themselves!
Maybe try this with MIL and ask her to help you rather than sit down and talk about herself!

Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 17/10/2021 14:56

I’d be getting the boob out and giving the baby a feed every single time she’s comes around. Then when she starts complaining tell her she’s welcome to leave. She sounds very self absorbed and used to getting her own way. Start making lots of plans to go out at the weekend.