To NOT want a weekly visitation from MIL

[MermaidTail7]

DP, DD and I moved back to our home town after 20+ years of being at least an hours drive from both our families. The move was predominantly to be closer to family and in a village rather than inner city location for DD and DS who arrived in late summer.

We bought a house that needs major renovation and are pretty much mortgaged to the hilt, esp. With me currently on mat leave. We are in the same village as my parents (by accident rather than design) and about 15 mins away from MIL. We are doing the renovations ourselves while looking after a toddler, a baby and DP works FT a 1.5 hour drive away during the week. Therefore weekends are spent with me entertaining the kids while DP Works on the house.

My parents (70+, not perfect health, but eager to stay active) are around quite a bit, but are always here helping, so my dad will help DP with building work and my mum will watch the kids so I can clean/shower/Change beds.

MiL (DP's mum 60+ but less mobile due to old injuries) has got into the habit of coming to see us every weekend. I totally understand she wants to see her son and grandchildren now we are so close, DD loves her Nanny to pieces and I am sure DS will too once he cares about something other than boobs. But when she comes to visit everything has to stop and we all have to sit around listening to her tales of woe, which usually involve her hinting at her wanting DP to do something for her that she is perfectly capable of sorting out, and paying for herself.... The latest was wanting him to put in a new downstairs bathroom for her 'before winter' while currently sat in our building site of a house!! She is also deeply uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her, and while she is here we get no work done on the house, then DP spends the week stressing about how little work he got done over the weekend.

I have tried gently pointing this out to MIL when she visits, but she just says she doesn't understand why we haven't hired a builder.

I've also tried suggesting to DP that he gets his mum to come of an evening.. She could watch the baby while I give the toddler her dinner, be there for bath and bed, have dinner with us and then head home.. But it's fallen on deaf ears as he's not a forward planner..

What can I do?

@Stovetopespresso

going massively against the grain here and just for context my culture/values are probably somewhat old fashioned, but what's wrong with seeing family? isn't that what it's all about really? do you invite her for lunch on Sat or Sunday, take her out for tea, make an effort to respect her and include her, make time for her? how much tome would you say is reasonable because I would say a couple of hours a week minimum.

we do a whole say every other week with pils.

I get you're busy renovating and parenting but I don't think she's being hugely cheeky for expecting to spend quality time with you all. or am I missing something?

I agree, you just need to take control a bit by organising something with her rather than letting her turn up.

@Tiredteacher100 thanks, phew I thought I was gonna get flamed

@Stovetopespresso There's nothing wrong with seeing family - as the OP has said, But not when you turn up without notice and demand life stops while you sit there and disapprove of breast feeding and don't offer to help - indeed demand help. Several people have suggested the OP has her MIL round in the evening to see the children put to bed and have supper ... but we wait to hear if this has happened.

@Stovetopespresso

going massively against the grain here and just for context my culture/values are probably somewhat old fashioned, but what's wrong with seeing family? isn't that what it's all about really? do you invite her for lunch on Sat or Sunday, take her out for tea, make an effort to respect her and include her, make time for her? how much tome would you say is reasonable because I would say a couple of hours a week minimum.

we do a whole say every other week with pils.

I get you're busy renovating and parenting but I don't think she's being hugely cheeky for expecting to spend quality time with you all. or am I missing something?

I don’t think OP is trying to avoid spending any time at all with MiL. Everyone knows family is important. The issue is not MIL wanting to spend quality time with the family. That’s not what the OP is about.

Surely you can see that during this temporary period in their lives, when she knows what they are up against and has been told how busy they are at weekends, it’s beyond selfish of her to place demands on their time without prior arrangement which she knows is preventing them from making their house properly habitable for her grandchildren. Family relationships go both ways.

You moved to be closer to family but are now annoyed you are closer to family?

Your parents can visit, but his can’t?

If you didn’t want her close enough to visit regularly then moving home was a bad idea.

I think the problem is your parents are also there and she might not realise they are helping not visiting.

Could you invite her for lunch? Make the invite like "we've got lots on this weekend, but if you'd like to pop over for lunch for an hour/ couple of hours it would be lovely to see you", then just get up and start carrying on with jobs when she's been there the agreed amount of time?

Why do you stop when she’s there, maybe she’s like to help but is too worried about over stepping the boundaries. Ask her. I’d let her come but carry on.

Maybe get to know your MIL if you don’t really already. Ask her about her youth, what your DP was like when he was the age your children are. What ambitions she had? Has she travelled? Parents/in-laws won’t be here forever both you and your DP can stop what you’re doing for half an hour or an hour to chat.

I would invite her to lunch and after DP can get back to work on the house after spending a bit of time with her. Oh and next time she mentions to DP about putting in a bathroom for her throw her own remark back at her "I don't understand why you won't get a plumber to do it?"

"Maybe get to know your MIL if you don’t really already. Ask her about her youth, what your DP was like when he was the age your children are. What ambitions she had? Has she travelled? Parents/in-laws won’t be here forever both you and your DP can stop what you’re doing for half an hour or an hour to chat."

I absolutely don't agree with the "Parents/in-laws won't be here forever" argument. I believe in presuming they will be around for another 30 years and then asking the question: how much contact can I sustain for 30 years? And I don't think setting an expectation of weekly meetings is fair.
It sounds to me as though the OP's suggestion of meeting for supper or whatever of a weekend evening when the day's work has been done is a good one.

Not sure why everything has to stop, just carry on as normal

@WildfirePonie

Start going out with the kids when she arrives.

Let DH sit and chew the fat with her for hours on end.

Do it every single weekend.

It won't take long for him to put a stop to the weekend visits ;-)

As long as ops happy for that to happen to her parents when the house is finished it’s a win win.

Personally family is important, with both my mil and my mum if I need help I ask them to help. Both have always been more than happy to. It was a bit tricky with Mil to start with, but I can see she’s happy to have a role. Treat her like a mum rather than a royal.

You make it sound like she’s a ghost

I can see both points of view. You say you wanted to move back to be closer to family. She is family. I can understand why she would feel that with your parents at your house often, it’s perfectly ok to visit once a week.
Tbh, it sounds like they’re welcome because they’re doing something for you. She isn’t, so she’s not welcome? Is that fair?

Either drop the kids to her or tell her you’ll be carrying on with work while she’s with you.

In fairness to her, you moved to be closer to family and it's not weird to want to see your son and grandchildren once a week when they live a few minutes down the road. And especially when they spend a lot of time with your daughter in law's family. She probably thinks part of the reason for the move was to be near your parents as they age so you can help out, as that would be a major reason for many families.

Don't get into a routine. Mix it up. Call over for an hour in the evening, invite her out for a Sunday lunch in a pub, carry on with what you're doing when she arrives at least half the time.

Don't make this a battle, either with her or with your DH. It doesn't need to be.

Talk to your parents about the situation and ask if they will help. Weekends can be very lonely for elderly people and she's probably trying to break up the long hours alone by coming to you each week.

Can your parents invite her to visit them instead of you? You could take the children there and leave your husband to work and he could come over for 30 minutes at some point for a cup of tea. Your parents could keep going on to her about what a difficult time it is for you, how your husband needs every available hour to get the house done etc She might get the message. If you alternate that with you visiting her in her own home it should help.

It does sound madness, your husband doing a major renovation on his own and spending presumably nearly 12 hours a day away from you and the children. Can either parents help out with getting a full-time builder in? It might all be over in 6 weeks instead of the months stretching out before you.

Ultimately though it's down to your husband to tackle his mum on the subject. But I can imagine he's so exhausted by everything else that the last thing he wants is to upset his mother.

Ultimately though it's down to your husband to tackle his mum on the subject. But I can imagine he's so exhausted by everything else that the last thing he wants is to upset his mother.“

Why does MIL need “tackling”? It’s a once a week visit. OP’s own parents are at the house far more frequently. Do they need “tackling” too?

I'm not sure why you and DH are not being upfront about him needing to work on the house at weekends because you can't afford a builder? If MiL is seeing this as a choice rather than a fact of life, she will continue to ask DH to help her out with DIY.
You need ( or DH does) to spell it out, how it's miserable for you all with 2 babies living in these conditions, how it's vital that the work is done asap so that the babies have somewhere safe and warm to play and live in, and this is why DH is doing his damndest to get it finished at the weekends. Explain you are skint because of maternity leave and renovations and can't afford professional help. She obviously doesn't get it.
Tell her she'd best get a tradesman to do her bathroom as DH doesn't have any spare time between now and Christmas, and when he's done he will need a rest.
Then invite for a meal once a week, and maybe suggest that you go to hers with little ones and she provides tea.

Thanks All for all your responses, it's good to know that I'm not alone!

A few notes in light of some of the suggestions made for context:

1)The visits are pre-arranged, but by MiL messaging DP who just says 'yes' without thinking about other things we might have on/need to do. DP gets annoyed if I then start asking for details like what day/time she is coming as he see's it as me stressing

2. We can't really invite her for lunch as we don't have a kitchen/dining table. DP and I eat off our knees in the lounge (MiL claims not to be able to do this because of her back) and DD eats off her kiddy table in the lounge. As soon as we are able to host people for lunch, I will absolutely do this as standard as I enjoy hosting lunches. As another poster rightly pointed out, this is a temporary situation while renovations are ongoing.

3. I know my MiL very well.. DP and I have been together 13 years and have been on multiple holidays/trips out/overstay visits with her in this time. We do get on generally, I just find this aspect of her personality really hard to deal with.

4. I am fully aware of how selfish/short sighted she is being.. She has a bit of a habit for this kind of behaviour. DP doesn't see it as unusual as he has grown up with it.

5)This isn't about not spending time with MiL, just about getting her visits to fit in better with our incredibly tight schedules while we are renovating...or even getting her to help out in a way that is genuinely beneficial. I would love her to help with the kids, but she claims because if her back she doesn't feel safe looking after DD or DS on her own as DD(3) is too heavy for her to pick up of she hurts herself, and she cannot hold DS for long periods. DS is exclusively breastfed, but will take a bottle of expressed milk.

DP worries about us carrying on as normal around her when she visits as he doesn't want her to feel unwelcome. We have done this on some visits previously up to a point, but she has made an excuse and left, then complained to SiL (who lives 3 hours away) about not being made welcome. SIL then contacts DP and makes him feel guilty about not rolling out the red carpet for her.

Speak to her. Phrase it sensitively though. Maybe say that because you're always in the middle of jobs when she comes at a weekend perhaps it would be nicer if she came for dinner or takeaway in the week

As long as ops happy for that to happen to her parents when the house is finished it’s a win win.

Why should she be? That’s not an equal solution in any sense. OP’s parents are providing a lot of help and support. MIL is hindering them from putting a proper roof of their children’s heads by demanding to be hosted at her convenience. Why should OP punish her parents for all their help and hard work, just because she is having to limit the ability of her MIL to slow down their house renovation? Ridiculous suggestion.

MiL is also fully aware of our financial situation... She has been told multiple times we don't have any spare cash as we have had to decline suggestions of family holidays with MiL, SiL and her kids and partner as we are prioritising the build. I have also outlined to her how hard DP is working, how much travelling he does and how precious his weekends are... But it all falls on deaf ears.

She has however been told that DP is not able to help out with any DIY stuff at her place beyond quick and easy fuse/light bulb type stuff. She didn't visit for a fortnight after she got told that.

SIL then contacts DP and makes him feel guilty about not rolling out the red carpet for her.

Maybe hint at how much you think SIL would like to see her next weekend 😈.

Talk to her yourself. I don't understand all this "his parent his problem" nonsense.
Exactly this! Take the lead, your suggestion of evening/bathtime/dinner sounds great, tell her yourself. Otherwise, when she's over during the day take the lead on what you are doing. When you've sat around for a while, say something like "DH needs to get on with 'whatever he's doing' now, MIL could you watch the kids for a bit while I change the beds/would you mind hanging that laundry out for me/etc. Stand up for yourself if you need to get things done.

@IWantT0BreakFree

As long as ops happy for that to happen to her parents when the house is finished it’s a win win.

Why should she be? That’s not an equal solution in any sense. OP’s parents are providing a lot of help and support. MIL is hindering them from putting a proper roof of their children’s heads by demanding to be hosted at her convenience. Why should OP punish her parents for all their help and hard work, just because she is having to limit the ability of her MIL to slow down their house renovation? Ridiculous suggestion.

You left out the previous part about op going out.

My point was if pp is suggestion that op should go out rather than chew the fat, then dh may go out when op parents come to chew the fat when the house is finished.

My suggestion is carry on around her, or give her a role.