To NOT want a weekly visitation from MIL

[MermaidTail7]

DP, DD and I moved back to our home town after 20+ years of being at least an hours drive from both our families. The move was predominantly to be closer to family and in a village rather than inner city location for DD and DS who arrived in late summer.

We bought a house that needs major renovation and are pretty much mortgaged to the hilt, esp. With me currently on mat leave. We are in the same village as my parents (by accident rather than design) and about 15 mins away from MIL. We are doing the renovations ourselves while looking after a toddler, a baby and DP works FT a 1.5 hour drive away during the week. Therefore weekends are spent with me entertaining the kids while DP Works on the house.

My parents (70+, not perfect health, but eager to stay active) are around quite a bit, but are always here helping, so my dad will help DP with building work and my mum will watch the kids so I can clean/shower/Change beds.

MiL (DP's mum 60+ but less mobile due to old injuries) has got into the habit of coming to see us every weekend. I totally understand she wants to see her son and grandchildren now we are so close, DD loves her Nanny to pieces and I am sure DS will too once he cares about something other than boobs. But when she comes to visit everything has to stop and we all have to sit around listening to her tales of woe, which usually involve her hinting at her wanting DP to do something for her that she is perfectly capable of sorting out, and paying for herself.... The latest was wanting him to put in a new downstairs bathroom for her 'before winter' while currently sat in our building site of a house!! She is also deeply uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her, and while she is here we get no work done on the house, then DP spends the week stressing about how little work he got done over the weekend.

I have tried gently pointing this out to MIL when she visits, but she just says she doesn't understand why we haven't hired a builder.

I've also tried suggesting to DP that he gets his mum to come of an evening.. She could watch the baby while I give the toddler her dinner, be there for bath and bed, have dinner with us and then head home.. But it's fallen on deaf ears as he's not a forward planner..

What can I do?

I only advised the OP to go out so that DH would be at home, alone, attending to his mother, listening to her tales of woe for hours on end.

when she comes to visit everything has to stop and we all have to sit around listening to her tales of woe

He'll complain that he got nothing done.

while she is here we get no work done on the house, then DP spends the week stressing about how little work he got done over the weekend.

Rinse and repeat until DH grows a backbone and tells his mother that she cannot visit weekends/compromise one weekend a month/weekday

Perhaps SIL can roll out her red carpet every weekend.

SIL then contacts DP and makes him feel guilty about not rolling out the red carpet for her.

Id do the same as other pps, just stop the sitting down when she arrives and carry on with whatever you are doing. Sorry mil I'm just going to carry on with this as you can see we're up to our eyes, feel free to make yourself a cuppa

I would always say, that you have to talk, and discuss all the things that are bothering you, with your MIL. A behind the scenes irritation and concerns,needs to be done up front. Older people can be set in their ways, and feel that the can just go forth, and do as they please.

You won't alleviate the problems, if you keep quiet, and don't say anything about how you feel.

Stop trying, stop hinting, stop gently suggesting - & use your words!

Next time MiL demands DH installs her a bathroom - point out that you are living in a building site, & DH needs to work on your house, not his mother's.

Next time she expects you to sit still & entertain her, carry on with your usual jobs. Hand her one or both of the DC & crack on. Tell her if she would like some more sociable time with you, she needs to come in the evenings, as you are so busy in the day.
Unless your MiL is the Dowager Countess of Grantham, I can't understand why you don't just tackle the issue of who visits your home, & when, in clear, simple sentences.

She is also deeply uncomfortable with me breastfeeding in front of her
What does this mean in practice? - that you don't b/f as you wish, in your own home? That you have to leave the room - what?

I get you're busy renovating and parenting but I don't think she's being hugely cheeky for expecting to spend quality time with you all. or am I missing something?

Yes, @Stovetopespresso.
You're missing that she turns up uninvited, expects the royal treatment instead of taking a busy young family as she finds it, objects to OP b/f'ing, & demands that her son stops work on his own house to install a bathroom in hers.

@MermaidTail7

MiL is also fully aware of our financial situation... She has been told multiple times we don't have any spare cash as we have had to decline suggestions of family holidays with MiL, SiL and her kids and partner as we are prioritising the build. I have also outlined to her how hard DP is working, how much travelling he does and how precious his weekends are... But it all falls on deaf ears.

She has however been told that DP is not able to help out with any DIY stuff at her place beyond quick and easy fuse/light bulb type stuff. She didn't visit for a fortnight after she got told that.

As she knows you can't afford a builder, and the only time her son can do any work is at the weekends, then it almost sounds as if she is coming over to be a hinderance on purpose. The fact she got so pissed off as he wouldn't do her building! Have you asked her why she can't hire a builder? I probably would say to her the more she comes over the less work gets done on the house and the longer she won't be able to come and have a proper sit down lunch with you all. Would arranging a visit a month from her until you are up to a point she can come over and not interrupt the work so much help?

If l were in your shoes and my DH was arranging for his DM to visit, let them get on with it. Don't pester him for the details - if he isn't volunteering thus information, you don't know about it > not your problem you've made plans. He will have to deal with her. I can assure you he will get the message.

If he starts telling you- sorry that doesn't suit - x time on x date would be better. Or better still, get him to go there. This is your house and your time, you are entitled to a say in who comes in and when.

I think you need to be careful though as if your parents are popping in whenever they feel like it, it's not going to go down well to limit his mum to evwey couple of weeks. In that case as has been said - carry in doing what you need to do and let her get in with it. Let her bleat on about needing help - it doesn't matter unless DH starts prioritising that over the nuclear families' needs.

Did you not discuss boundaries when you moved closer? I suspect not and trying to implement them in retrospect is never easy.

You need to learn to do a thing called "setting boundaries". I'm just learning to do this myself and it is really damned hard work, espcially if you don't like conflict, but worth it in the long run. Ideally you need your dh to set boundaries with your MIL. It's like telling kids what they can and can't do, but you have to do that with the grandparents too, which is harder. How you do it, kind of depends on the personalities and relationships involved. The thing is, it's not easy, but if you don't do it, your get yourself in a whole world of pain. (Speaking from experience)

Drop kids off at MIL's place for an hour or so and go and have a coffee and some peace and quiet!

You need to set ground rules in your home before you become resentful. Have a no holds barred talk with your partner and decide exactly what will be said to her, by him ideally but you if he feels conflicted. Maybe have a once a month afternoon where you all have a trip out together, then closely defined say hour & a half visits on usual weekends. You will need to be firm about timings and stick to whatever you've outlined. It could be built around brunch, lunch or tea, as your partner will be stopping work for them anyway, so not too much of his DIY time will be lost.

At the weekends, keep your boobs out on permanent display to deter MIL. If that doesn't work, write a list of helpful tasks she can do (read to DC, peel potatoes, dust the building site) and cheerfully say "Thank God you're here, we're up to our eyes as usual and SO glad you've come to lend a hand. Here's a list".

Don't be available for the woe chatter.

The weekday dinner/ GC bedtime idea is great, so put it to her yourself. No need to wait for DH.

Thanks All-it's good to know so many of you get where I am coming from.. Of course we want to see all our local family, but the current habit that seems to have developed with MiL is untenable with everything else we have going on (DS currently doesn't have his own room as that's being built at the moment!)

With the BF-ing, her being uncomfortable with it absolutely doesn't deter me from feeding DS as and when he needs it, but I do get rather sick of the dissaproving look, and the pointed body shift to turn away from me while doing it. She will also leave pretty much immediately on the rare occasion one of my parents might pop in when she is there (our washing machine broke and my mum literally dropped off a basket of washing she'd done for us and hugged DD, and that was enough to make MiL leave).

I am going to hold out for a weekend of decent building weather, then message MiL and suggest that because the weather will be so good for building, why doesn't she come over on a weekday evening instead so DP can work on the house uninterrupted while the weather allows.

For those wondering.. The 'accident rather than by design' purchase of a house in the same village is because our search area ranged between both my parents location and the MiL's, and the house that met our wishlist within our budget that we had an offer accepted on happened to be here.

Problem solved just get your mum to pop in at the same time quickly!

Lol, your mum is the key here! When MIL comes round, text your mum & see if she can make an unscheduled visit! 😆👍🏼

I am going to hold out for a weekend of decent building weather, then message MiL and suggest that because the weather will be so good for building, why doesn't she come over on a weekday evening instead so DP can work on the house uninterrupted while the weather allows

^ even better. Get your partner to do this himself.

Here is your major problem:

DP gets annoyed if I then start asking for details like what day/time she is coming as he see's it as me stressing

This is not acceptable behaviour.

@Dalalalada he has always been the same where his mother is concerned. Her and SiL are similar in that if you start pressing for details or firm plans they both seem to immediately take it personally and assume its not because we have young children/busy lives, but because we don't want them there... Then they go all big eyed guilt trip with 'if it's too difficult/you're too busy then we'll just stay away' type stuff... They are the same about choosing a venue to eat out at, or even a time to do it. Its very hard work. DP seems to deal with it by not giving any kind of parameters for visits and not making any firm plans until the last minute which pushes the stress back onto us and our relationship. Last weekend MiL got upset when she said 'she'd come and visit next weekend' and I had the nerve to pipe up and say we'll need to check what day/ time as DD had two birthday parties and a playdate planned that weekend..

Prechildren I used to expend alot of energy trying to sort this out, but now we have kids, my priority is to them so I do generally just go about my family plans, put events in the family calendar so DP knows they are happening and let him sort his mother out... But that is now impacting on our ability to finish the work on our house.

Interestingly, on this weekends visit, once I had escapes from under a very clingy DS, I handed him over to MiL and left the room to fix DD some lunch... Once the obligatory photo's of her holding DS had been taken and it was obvious that DD preferred to stay in the kitchen helping me make her lunch, MiL hotfooted it out of the door with a face like she'd chewed a bee.

She will also leave pretty much immediately on the rare occasion one of my parents might pop in when she is there

Can you get your parents onside and when MiL comes over discretely text them so find some excuse to drop in?

Really, though, as MN is known for saying - you have a DH problem.

He's the one telling his DM that it's okay to come round and interrupt his work. Unless he has a very low IQ, he knows what he's doing. He just prioritises his DM's feeling over getting the work done as fast as he might. Maybe it's a bit more overwhelming than he's letting on and he is secretly pleased at the breaks, maybe he just can't face the idea of his sister calling asking why he's relegating DM to mid-week evenings, may be he really just doesn't want to upset his DM because he loves her and he thinks it's a reasonable compromise and it's okay if the house takes longer. May be he doesn't even know himself why.

But next time he moans about how he hasn't got as much done as he wanted to, sit him down and ask him why he keeps sabotaging the weekends by asking his DM over. Have a discussion about what's reasonable, what you both want now you've been doing things for a while. What needs to change - expectations? Is your original idea of him working all week and renovating all weekend actually realistic for him?Does he just need to put on his big girl pants and get his DM to come over in the week every other weekend? Do you need to take on some of the reno work? You've been together years, you surely know how to approach an issue, talk it through and find a compromise that works?

Is she able to have your eldest single handed? You could get into a routine where she pops in for tea then takes your DD out for a few hours. I think once you get into some kind of routine that sets expectations, it'll be easier. Your DH should be the one dropping tools when she comes round and taking the lead on communication.

Interestingly, on this weekends visit, once I had escapes from under a very clingy DS, I handed him over to MiL and left the room to fix DD some lunch... Once the obligatory photo's of her holding DS had been taken and it was obvious that DD preferred to stay in the kitchen helping me make her lunch, MiL hotfooted it out of the door with a face like she'd chewed a bee.

Ahh, sorry, must have had this page up for ages and missed your last post before posting my previous.

I still think you should check in with your DH to make sure he doesn't kind of need the break his Mil provides. But it does sound like this is a long term behaviour that has become a problem because children mean you no longer have the capacity to pander to them. And it's not just about the house but will be an issue anyway as the kids get older.

You probably need to push it back on to DP each time he complains about not getting enough done. It will be hard though. He's presumably had 30 + years of interacting with his DM this way.

Sounds like your MiL has always been somewhat difficult and your DP's coping strategies that worked as a single man now cause too much disruption to your family.

Is she on her own? Haven't heard any mention of FiL.

The reality is that you should just not stop what you are doing when she appears. People who arrive at other's houses uninvited have no reasonable expectation that they should be accommodated and pandering to her creates that unreasonable expectation.

However, please also remember that the situation you have with a baby and a rennovation project is your choice too. The stress that puts you under is no excuse to be snappy and rude to family or others so deal with it sensitively.

The comment you made about MiL telling your SiL about not feeling welcome speaks volumes OP. It's all about her. She even has SiL at her beck and call so that if she claims she was 'unwelcome' SiL will instantly phone her brother and complain to him.
Time for your DH to speak clearly to his mother and to his sister.
Just state the situation at the moment clearly and without any wiggle room for visits. Time is of the essence. You need to get your home in a liveable state and their visits are disrupting that progress. Visits must stop (temporarily) and comments about not being welcome are not helpful at all so best for them to stop too.