Raising kids, successful careers and pursuing hobbies, how?

[ponder1ng]

I have a 6 month old. With a commute I work 8-6. Husband works longer hours and earns more. Ideally I don't want my child to be in nursery/school breakfast and after school clubs. I want to be there to drop and collect them and take them to the park etc. If they stay after school, by the time I've collected them it will be time for dinner and bed. Is this the norm? And then when do you fit in time to pursue your hobbies and everything else that life demands? We can survive on just husbands salary but I don't want to give up my job if I don't have to. I don't have a thriving career but was planning to work my way up, although I imagine this is probably the worst timing having just had a child

I don't think you can have all three when your children are very small, I'm afraid, unless you have very supportive family living very locally. DC have friends at school who go for weekly sleepovers at grandparents and their parents have therefore had 1-2 nights a week 'off' for most of their lives. I am very envious.

The time / cost / quality triangle is a good comparison for Mon-Fri (assuming you and DH both have M-F jobs). But at the weekend there's really no reason why you can't go for a run / swim / gym or do an indoor hobby in peace and quiet for an hour or two while DH looks after DC.

My advice is you get over it.

I work full time, so does my husband but I earn more and am progressing faster in my career. We have two kids- one is a teenager now and I've not missed anything 'significant'- I'd use holiday to attend the important stuff but not the"dance displays on the playground" after school- she's fine, has her own hobbies (2 sports I have no real interest in!) and has benefited in other ways from having two working parents- we have a nice home, disposable income, she can go on the good trips etc. Friends who have stayed at home have done so for their own reasons- for the most part their kids don't remember it! I've joined the secondary school PTA because most events are evenings and weekend unlike the primary school meetings which were always 2.30.

I arrange play dates for weekends and school holiday whilst I'm on leave. I'm senior enough now to have control of my diary to be able to leave early here and now to do the odd after school event.

I'm just starting the cycle again with our 5 year old and 'mum guilt' is something perpetuated by other mums. There's really no need to compete.

I'm looking forward to taking my foot off the gas in another 15/20 years and being a very hands on nanny 😃

@PicsInRed

My observation is that men can do all of the above if they have a wife. Or even an ex-wife.

This really made me laugh out loud! So true!!!

DH is a SAHD. I don’t get hobby time like men with SAHM partners though, as I actually like spending time with my kids at the weekend having worked all week. So I could fuck off on a bike all weekend but choose not too. Holy grail of free time (as far as I can see) is SAHP to school age children.

I manage a decent career and have been available for my children a great deal. But I have forgotten what hobbies even are. It’s not possible to do it all.

You accept that you can do anything but not everything. The bigger they get the easier it is to fit everything in, though. If you want to work and be there for before and after school with no wrap round care, is it possible to negotiate shorter days? Or go part time? Have one of you start earlier to do pick ups and the other start later to accommodate drop offs? Is your role possible as a term time only position? As PP have said, outsource what you can afford to (cleaner/gardner etc) so you have more time together as a family. Exercise/hobbies are squeezed into weekends or once DC are in bed. Or you find new hobbies you can do together as a family. You find a new normal!

I have maintained my career and I have ds who is now 13. I have hobbies and friends, however I am single. I find it much easier not having to find time for a partner as well. Being organised and efficient with my ex around didn't really work.

I ruthlessly split everything 50/50 with DH. We both work part time. As other posters have said it does help to be more senior and have autonomy over your diary. I am on well over 6 figures but have chosen not to have an even bigger job as I wouldn’t be around as much for the kids. Covid has definitely helped in terms of working from home. We do all drop offs and 3/5 pick ups which isn’t too bad really for two career driven parents.

Notwithstanding, unless you are in a very niche area being there every single drop off and pick up with no detriment at your career is unrealistic - that basically means you only work school hours.

Thanks for posting this OP. This delicate balance has been on my mind frequently recently and I'm currently weighing up taking the next step in my career which would involve busy, full-time work or sticking with my current role which is quite flexible around the kids but little progression. It's good to know that many others go through this process.

The advice is at the end @userchange987. The bit before it is the reality if you don’t take the advice.

@KleineDracheKokosnuss that's assuming everyone has to "take their foot off the gas of their career" I disagree that is the only answer. It is possible to have good careers and family life, things like adult hobbies is what we sacrifice, not the other 2.

It's tricky finding the balance and I wouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to have it all while your child is so young. I find 3.5 the golden age when things get easier (my youngest is 2.5.and not a great sleeper and handful!), until then there are sacrifices, but it does get easier. I've extended breastfed my kids while working FT and I'm not sure if you have been doing that, but it can completely take over your life (I actually regret bf due to this sometimes).

What I have found helpful throughout this is condensing my hours and cutting back to nearly FT hours (35/36) so I get a day off in the week to be organized/go to a toddler group. My job isn't the most high flying, but it pays the bills and once they are both in school in the not to distant future I can step up again. DH earns more than me, but not by a huge amount, so we bother need to be in the career game to earn enough to live well. If he earned both our salaries combined I would definitely would have stepped down a bit just to ease the stress more than anything!

In terms of organizing, quick meals in the evening or batch cooking or cooking extra so you can have it again later in the week helps. Try to stay in touch with friends, even if it is just a quick Whatsapp. Now that my son is 2.5 I'm finally at a place where I can go to the gym or just get out for a quick walk. It's much easier to leave the kids with DH now they are older. You just have to plan and take an opportunity to do something when you can and sod the cleaning! Also don't fall into the trap of doing lots of kids clubs after school. I think people put pressure on themselves here and it's unnecessary, just do a couple.

You will learn in time when your child is running around that cleaning is futile. Just do what you can, but make sure you have those few hours for you each week. In a couple of years it will get easier.

Your baby is tiny. I definitely tread water in my career for a few years and gave up on hobbies for a while.

You get it all back when they are a bit older (like 5+).