Raising kids, successful careers and pursuing hobbies, how?

[ponder1ng]

I have a 6 month old. With a commute I work 8-6. Husband works longer hours and earns more. Ideally I don't want my child to be in nursery/school breakfast and after school clubs. I want to be there to drop and collect them and take them to the park etc. If they stay after school, by the time I've collected them it will be time for dinner and bed. Is this the norm? And then when do you fit in time to pursue your hobbies and everything else that life demands? We can survive on just husbands salary but I don't want to give up my job if I don't have to. I don't have a thriving career but was planning to work my way up, although I imagine this is probably the worst timing having just had a child

It’s what’s known as ‘the juggle’ OP. In my experience, sadly you really can’t have it all. If you have a full on career/job where working PT/reducing your hours etc isn’t really an option, it becomes a case of either suck it up, have your kids in childcare, become a SAHM or retrain in something else, which isn’t always practical.

You also have to weigh up the long term benefits against the short term costs and I don’t just mean financially I mean for your own mental health, and what you as a family believe is the best thing for your children.

I have worked FT barely seeing my kids, been a SAHM and working PT in a low paid job which means I can do all pick ups and all holidays and be around a lot but at the sacrifice of a good career.

It’s so, so hard. Good luck making a decision.

It’s so hard - DH and I both work full time in similar paying jobs but his work is an hour away so I do all drop offs to breakfast club, all pick ups from after school club, have dinner on the table when he gets home, do breakfast, packed lunches too. He does the washing and gets the uniform out in the morning (when he remembers) but that’s about it. I have to rush out the door from work at 4 and feel awful about it and have to work at home to catch up. Ferrying to piano, clubs and SLT and being judged by professionals for working full time (DS young 4 in reception and 8 in juniors) I have no time to look after myself let alone hobbies! No family to babysit so no nights out or couple time. It’s shit and I live in my fantasy of being part of a gay couple who spends all their time on cruises and going out while no one judges them for not having children and spending all their time together.

I work 0.6 spread over four days so I can generally do school drop off etc, when he was at nursery I chose a nursery near work, so that reduced his nursery hours by about an hour a day. But then I’m a lone parent, if a nursery had to be near two work places that may not work.

I also had a cleaner until very recently, which reduced my home workload a lot.

If you both go part time you may need no childcare, or even just one day a week depending on the days your employer can offer.

My husband has gone part time (0.8) and at the moment we have the same day off, we’re going to be having a child together so when our adoption leave has ended he has the luxury of being able to move his day off, so we will only need three days of childcare rather than four. Plus it will be nice that we will both get 1:1 time.

Hobbies can be trickier, I maintained mine, but it is a second job really, I just took him with me, my son has almost become our rugby teams unofficial maskot.

I basically don’t have hobbies! I’m a keen gardener so still do that and reading, but nothing scheduled. I just can’t manage it around work, kids, kids hobbies, household tasks. Feel like I can just about keep my head above water with what I have to do now.

It’s tough! When mine were very little I sacrificed hobbies. I negotiated with work to be able to drop off one morning and pick up one afternoon.

For me, it was worth working through when they were very little because, by the time they were late primary school and in secondary school, I was more senior and had more flexibility. That brings its own challenges because it is hard to switch off and I work more in the evening and at the weekend. But at least I get to choose when and how that fits with family life

Part time.

I enjoy my job
I get to work out and do hobbies
I get to pick up my children and have chilled out time with them

I found this relevant the other day.

I've decided the career had to give. I'm still the same grade as before I got pregnant 14 years ago. I'm an NHS Band 6 and the demands and responsibility has gone up massively but it has for higher bands as well. I don't have the energy or head space although I am experienced and qualified enough to push on. I'm staying put on an 80% contract. DH is in private sector also on 80% hours.

We are comfortable but don't have a luxurious lifestyle. We do have a cleaner for 2 hours a week, a slight increase in my working hours funded this. My DC are older now and I do have time for myself. I sing in a chorus which is lovely but I am envious of very part time and early retired friends who seem to have fabulous lives. There is usually a husband working the hours to facilitate it though. On the whole I am content with the work/life balance but I am bored at work. I wish it was easier to progress on a flexible/reduced hours basis.

I went part time after having dd, 3 days 9-5, and stayed like that for ds. Will likely go to 4 days once they are a bit older.

I can do school pick up 2 days a week but on working days it is literally a case of pick kids up, tea, bath & bed. Barely see them those 3 days 😔

I went to 0.8 FTE, we have a cleaner, 1 child and no hobbies.

I have an 11mo. Both DH and I work full time.

Hobbies are less of a priority until they’re older. I think it’s a bit naive to think that you could work FT with kids and have a load of hobbies as well. Unless it’s stuff that can be done after bedtime, like sewing / craftwork, or during naptime at weekends, like gardening.

It’s worth it .You’ll get there, you adjust and adapt.you both support each other with park, and drop off/pick up

In my experience, successful women who seemingly have it all, single handedly, actually have a great deal of help in the background, either family or paid help.

There are those very rare people who seem to thrive on pressure and little sleep but for most of us it’s just a recipe for disaster.

Part time, especially flexible in terms of both hours and home/office and a supportive, involved husband.

If there's another way, I don't know what it is. Obviously it is a very privileged position to be in (although you can increase your chances by not putting up with a selfish and absent partner).

I have a 17 month old.
I work the equivalent of 3.5 days a week. DH does 4 days a week. We’re both in health care, with funny hours.
I try and get a yoga class and a run in weekly, but quite often one doesn’t happen. I don’t have time for other hobbies now.
On the days I work I barely see DS. On the days I’m off with him, I often find myself counting down the hours to nap time/bedtime because I’m shattered.
I’m sure some people ‘have it all’ but I am firmly in survival mode currently.

No one had it all. It’s a myth used to berate women with
The career mum who bakes,runs,volunteers and has hobbies is a myth

Me and DH both work full time with two children, primary age. The children go to wraparound and prior to that they went to nursery. I went back to work after a year mat leave each time.

It is hard, and as they get older it is getting harder as they have hobbies and clubs to go to as well as remembering which day this one has to bring swimming kit and which day that one has spelling test etc etc.

I think it's difficult to climb the ladder at work tbh, and I'm there full time. I'm too busy and stressed keeping all the balls in the air as it is, without taking on more - I'm relatively senior at work, but really should be taking the next step - but don't have the headspace at the moment.

Having said that, there is absolutely no way I would have given up work totally, and neither would my husband. When he got made redundant, it was a worry, but such a lot less of a worry as I was still earning and we know we could pay the bills until he got something else. Also, after seeing my mum get totally screwed over as a single parent as she'd given up work to raise kids...

My advice to anyone is always to go back full time and see how you feel. You can always drop down, but hard to get the days back once someone else has been employed to do them!

As for hobbies, I manage to get out for a run a few times a week and my DH has an exercise bike - we do a few things, but it's not a massive priority.

Totally agree with the pp who said you have to let things go a bit - our house is tidy and reasonably clean, but we never get round to DIY!

I could have written this, apart from our salaries are almost equal, so we would have to move (lower mortgage) if I stopped working and DTs are 18m. The school drop off/ pick up is really important to me but I also don’t want to give up work entirely and be lost when DC are at school.

I think you are really going to struggle to do all pick ups at 3ish o'clock unless you can start incredibly early and finish early. It's going to be part time hours realistically.

Also it impacts on leading a team etc if you are never around in the afternoons.

Maybe 2 days early finish for you both and I've day in after school might be doable, depends on your job.

Dh and

“Ideally I don't want my child to be in nursery/school breakfast and after school clubs“

Have a think about why that is. How much of it is because you’ve internalised a feeling that is - your words, nearly! - “the ideal.”

Imagine someone saying to you, “I’ve managed to get Jack into this lovely club session. They paint, do other crafts, dressing up - obviously outside play with great equipment - he really loves the little football game. The people than run it are brilliant with kids - never too tired to grab the ball, or too bored to do Lego yet again. And the best bit? 3 of his friends go too!”

All the lovely activities that we work our arses off to pay for - tennis, ballet, clay creators, rattle and roll or whatever it’s called! None of them are better than a good After School Club.

Yet ASC = am I doing the right thing?
Other clubs = I must do this for my child

If ASC was across town (so you had to be SAHM or PT) and expensive, we’d all be sad as FT making ends meet parents that our kids couldn’t go.

Nursery and ASC - my child used to be disappointed some days when I arrived! More than once, I finished early and excitedly went up to get her an hour early - to have her say, “but Josie and I are still playing mum!” I have gone off to do the shopping and come back… I’ve even sat outside for 30 mins til Josie’s mum arrived!

Do not see childcare as some awful prison. It really isn’t.

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

Dh and I both work full time but compressed hours so 4 days each. I'm off on a Thursday, he's off on a Friday. That takes a huge childcare pressure off before we start as it's only ever Monday - Wednesday we need to arrange.

Monday to Wednesday dc go to breakfast club at 7.40 and afterschool club 3-5.30. Long days and dc3 is exhausted in the evening but it's only 3 days.

And also agree with the pp - Ds3 is often grumpy on a Thursday and Friday when we pick him up and he realises he's not going to ASC!

Make sure your husband plays his part … you are not ‘naturally’ more equipped to go part time, mind sick kids etc unless you both decide that’s how you will go. I worked a 9 day fortnight as I found having one day a fortnight at school was great for keeping in touch. I also took other kids on play dates on my days off so there was a bank of reciprocity there. No hobbies of my own but now the kids are at an age to do football etc I jog while their train. Get a cleaner if at all possible - it’s just spreading the work

I went back FT and it’s helped to maintain career and be promoted
I know schoolmums who gave up work and 5+ yrs later struggle to get back in to their previous profession. They regret completely giving up work .