Raising kids, successful careers and pursuing hobbies, how?

[ponder1ng]

I have a 6 month old. With a commute I work 8-6. Husband works longer hours and earns more. Ideally I don't want my child to be in nursery/school breakfast and after school clubs. I want to be there to drop and collect them and take them to the park etc. If they stay after school, by the time I've collected them it will be time for dinner and bed. Is this the norm? And then when do you fit in time to pursue your hobbies and everything else that life demands? We can survive on just husbands salary but I don't want to give up my job if I don't have to. I don't have a thriving career but was planning to work my way up, although I imagine this is probably the worst timing having just had a child

Despite earning twice as much as my husband, I’ve had to give up my career for now as he can’t leave his job (there is a minimum service).

I got a part time job because I felt a bit lost at home all the time, I just don’t think you can have it all and work full time. I wanted to have time to take her to music classes and swimming but which I manage but it’s an effort looking after the house, working in the evenings and looking after my daughter. I definitely don’t have time for my own hobbies outside of the house, sometimes I manage to do a little bit of sewing but that’s it!

In my experience the only way is to get help - we basically spend almost all my salary on nannies and cleaners. Until the children are older and more independent that’s the only way to keep progressing in my career and also have some “me” time to pursue hobbies.

Lol, it's true, mine love after-school club! DH works from home three days a week and could collect them, but they would be sitting on the sofa while he works. They are much more active at after school club.

If you want that you need to reduce your hours

Err no don’t be reducing your hours. It’s always women who step down,rarely men

@EspressoDoubleShot if you actually read what the OP wants its to be there to drop them off and pick up and go to the park etc. So yeh, if she wants that, she needs to reduce hours.

Using childcare is inevitable to keep working, and fine! Get the best childcare you can find and afford.

Your H earning more than you do is no reason for him not to share the weekday parenting, time off when DC is ill etc.

I would never SAH as I don’t want the personal financial risks. Instead went PT (DH was unwilling to even consider doing this) and although - I think - good for the DC was terrible for my career (discrimination for being PT, no promotion since DC1, now a teen!) and work / life balance actually improved after I went back full time to get a better role.

Doing both drop off and pick up daily and completing a usual working day’s hours is v difficult, unless perhaps work and childcare are very local. Needs to be shared.

Full time working lone parent here, you have to accept that some things have to give, but not all the time, so you have to find a balance. Do I get to pick her up from school? No, but honestly she has a blast at after school club and gets up to so much there I feel no guilt. My hobbies? I squeeze in exercise at lunch times, and occasionally ask for child care so I can do them, but I’m resigned to prioritising what needs prioritised for a few years. It’s a juggling act, but personally keeping in at my career has put me in a better position financially which enables me to afford holidays, piano lessons, other activities that I know other lone parents would struggle with.

It is a shit fact of life that just at the point when you need to take career leaps in many professions is when (overwhelmingly) women are off for extended periods on parental leave. I am totally frazzled at the moment trying to keep up with work. Luckily we have very good wraparound childcare or we would be on our knees with exhaustion. No really great advice except for moaning to other mum friends helps A LOT!

So yeh, my advice remains unchanged don’t drop hours it’s always women stepping down. Always us subject to the expectation or pressure of giving something up
There are 2 parents who can make adaptations , not just the op

Yeh and she wants to do it.

This isn't a debate about who does more, yes it is generally the woman. But the op says herself she wants to be there.

So how can she be there without dropping hours? I didn't say quit job, reducing hours or condensing somehow is the way to achieve it.
Can you answer that question particular question?

Yeh, my advice remains unchanged. Do not do it, don’t sacrifice career

Ok so she can't do drop of or go to park.cool glad we got to the end of that. :)

Yeh,so op has written one post
She said. We can survive on just husbands salary but I don't want to give up my job

And I haven't said she should give it up. Have I?
Are you being silly on purpose?!

When my kids were younger they were in breakfast and after school club, never found it an issue tbh, they had their main meals at school so we had about 2 hours in the evening which was just spending time together.

Now I'm more senior I drop them off in the mornings and they only go to after school club 3x a week, the benefit to keeping your foot on the pedal can be the flexibility that comes with seniority depending on the career. I've never missed a school event, bring in good money and have an excellent pension. You can't have everything, but I think I have the right balance.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Yeh, my advice remains unchanged. Do not do it, don’t sacrifice career

I did. Very very very happy.

Still in the industry. Absolutely love my job. Will I reach the echelons of where I’d be if i hadn’t gone part time? Not a chance!
Am I very happy and feel perfect blend of work/life balance? Hell. Yes

I’m reflecting the op one post, she doesn’t want to give up work
Women shouldn’t make themselves dependent upon men,it’s risky
Upshot usually is the man career continues unencumbered whilst woman survives on a lower wage and forgo career progression

Agree, few fathers are willing to work PT. So progress at work and increase earnings. Facilitated by mothers, at our own direct expense. They get to be parents AND progress at work.

Going PT comes with penalties, just to a far lesser extent than SAH.

@EspressoDoubleShot but you aren't actually suggesting anything to give the op the situation that she wants.
She doesnt want to give up work, which is fine. She does want to be there for drop off and pick up...so you've not addressed that?

My advice remains unchanged dont rashly give up hours don’t become dependent upon husband. Career progression requires participation
There are 2 parents who can do drop off, park and parenting

And what if it's the op that wants to be there for her kids? Since that's what she wrote and you seem to be ignoring

There will need to be some compromise somewhere.
It's not possible to do it all if you don't want to use childcare. It's also not possible if only one parents is responsible for all pick ups/drop offs.

We use before /after school club 3 times a week which works well as DS loves it - it's extra play time! And it means we drop off/pick up twice a week so still get to meet other parents.