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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that he should have come home?

123 replies

Cakecakeandmorecake01 · 16/10/2021 19:58

This isn’t my first post, I’ve changed my username so it isn’t linked to my rather more personal first post.

I’m writing this whilst my toddler is napping in the car, just came back from a walk in centre and parked outside the house.

So, my partner works away and we have a 15 month old. He has worked away the majority of the year and comes home on a Friday night at about 11pm and leaves Sunday at about 3/4pm. He works 11 hour days and travels 3/4 hours on top of this each way on the weekend. He works really hard so is to tired he says to do any meals/housework on the weekend and I seem to still spend loads on time with my DS without a break. He gets a lie in one day and i do the other and that’s it. He finishes work at 6pm and they go out for meals during the week/pub quizzes/ping pong and so on. It’s almost every night that he is there during the week. I on average sit down at 9pm if lucky

He didn’t come home last weekend as he was working a Saturday so went out on the Saturday night til 3am and had Sunday to himself

This was his final week before some time off! I am so excited. He finished work on Friday but they wanted to go out to celebrate finishing this project tonight. So, he stayed Saturday and is out tonight. They do this at the end of each project as they probably won’t see them again as all freelance.

Meanwhile our DS had been sick all week as have I. One day I cried on the phone during lunch saying I can’t do this (I know, I know) I got myself together pretty quick. He didn’t phone me that night to check in or ask how I was as they went out. I was a bit hurt but got on with it.

Anyway my toddler got worse on Thursday so I went to the dr. All okay but had to do night time check ins every 1/2 hours. When telling him this he kept say ‘aw, at least I’m back Sunday’. No offer to come home this morning if I needed it. I spent last night cleaning up sick and drying spare sheets till 11pm then night check ins. He won’t be back until Sunday evening,

They also went out for a meal on Thursday night as apparently quite a few people won’t stay over to go to the party but he is?

I know he works hard and deserves it too but, I can’t help but think if your partner and child are ill, you don’t stay out an extra 2 days if it’s not work?

Well, my toddler got worse today and I spent hours in a walk in centre.

Aibu to be annoyed he didn’t come home this morning? Knowing his child was already quite sick and so am I (I’m not too bad but still exhausted and feeling ill).

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakecakeandmorecake01 · 16/10/2021 19:58

Please don’t be too harsh on me. Currently covered in vomit 🤢

OP posts:
Pinkflipflop85 · 16/10/2021 20:08

Has he always been really selfish?!

billy1966 · 16/10/2021 20:26

He is a selfish arse.

But you know that.

He is no partner and no father.

Have you given up work to have a child with someone you are not married to and is so selfish?

If you have, big mistake.

When he comes home, eventually, he needs to spend a lot of time with his child.

You need to take some space for yourself.

Long term, go back to work and sort out your contraception.

You are SO vulnerable.

Hope your baby feels better soon.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 16/10/2021 20:27

Your DSs dad doesn't see himself as a parent. He acts like a free agent who has no responsibilities.

A good dad would come hone straight away as early as he could leave to be a parent to his child and give you a break
He also should be insisting he comes home if you're both ill.

He's taking you for granted
He isn't acting like a parent
He shows no concern for your child or you when you're unwell
He's a selfish man child

Don't buy into his bullsh*t that he's working hard and you aren't as he's getting all this time off in the evenings and now at weekends too- whilst you are solo parenting your joint child far more hours a day than he works

I wouldn't blame you if you handed over care of toddler at 6pm each Friday night when he turned up, got in your car and returned when you felt like it Sunday night. Let him see what it's like to parent on his own

Quartz2208 · 16/10/2021 20:31

Yes he isnt thinking about you at all. You shouldnt have even had to ask him any decent father would be back by now to support you and help with his sick child because you are both his priority

I would be questioning why he didnt

MaryShelley1818 · 16/10/2021 20:36

YANBU.
That's appalling and he clearly doesn't give a damn about either of you.

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/10/2021 20:38

You're wasting your time there, lovely. Don't say anything to him. Sort out your escape.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 16/10/2021 20:40

He's not really a partner in any sense of the word is he?

He's also a shoddy father.

You know that now, so do not have anymore DC with this man and make a plan to leave him.

If he doesn't want to be there for you and your child, what's the point of him?

Aprilx · 16/10/2021 20:41

I don’t think it is just about this one morning to be honest. The whole set up is not conducive to a family life, he is living like a single man. I would think he is pointless to my life if I were you.

Sciurus83 · 16/10/2021 20:43

No, he doesn't deserve it because he works hard. You work hard. Why are you chastising yourself for calling him and asking for help? Stop, he should be helping. He is behaving like a single man, not a father. When is he stopping this work pattern, it doesn't work for your family. You are basically a single mum, sounds like your life would be easier if you actually were one.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 16/10/2021 20:44

Fuck my actual life.

I honestly cannot believe the men some people on here describe.

I don’t know any men like this in my real life. Not one.

OP - this is not good enough. He is beyond sun-standard.

There are decent men out there - FYI.

Yummymummy2020 · 16/10/2021 20:45

He sounds like a nightmare and you may as well be single!

FakeFruitShoot · 16/10/2021 20:46

What do you get out of this relationship?

WorriedGiraffe · 16/10/2021 20:49

He sounds very selfish, but you clearly no who he is and were his priorities lie, so maybe it’s time to consider if you’re going to put up with it forever? Hope you both feel better soon OP

Fupoffyagrasshole · 16/10/2021 20:51

Gawd I’d be telling him don’t bother coming back tbh

BakedBeeeen · 16/10/2021 20:53

**Your DSs dad doesn't see himself as a parent. He acts like a free agent who has no responsibilities.

This…
Or a husband/partner.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/10/2021 20:53

Because he's absolved himself of all parenting and partner responsibilities during the week, he won't see suiting himself at weekends/when you or your DC are ill/you need help, as a problem. It won't get better while he has that attitude and I'd worry that'll continue while he's working away.

DysmalRadius · 16/10/2021 20:57

They do this at the end of each project as they probably won’t see them again as all freelance.

So?! They're people he vaguely knows from work, not emigrating family members! The fact that he even prioritises non work events over coming home to see you and his son is really shit, let alone when you're ill. My husband needs to leave tomorrow for a project that has taken six months to get everyone together for, and still offered to cancel because I've got a bug and my kids are older and can be left in front of the telly if need be!! Why is he putting you and your son so low down on his priority list?!

notacooldad · 16/10/2021 20:57

Aibu to be annoyed he didn’t come home this morning? Knowing his child was already quite sick and so am I
Are you unreasonable gob be annoyed? I would be furious.
Never in 31 years with my husband has he treated me or the kids like this and he used to work away at times as well.

I remember once when he was working in the north of Scotland ( we live in North west England) and I was in I similar situation. DH was on the phone to his sisters to support me ( which they did)" phoned every couple of hours until bed time and got a lunchtime flyer to get home and took over duties.

I wouldn't have expected any less of him.
Does he ever have your back?

Yutes · 16/10/2021 20:58

Did he check in or seem concerned that toddler got worse at all??

Volhhg · 16/10/2021 20:59

What a guy, I'd be fuming too. Problem is if you leave him or kick him out you might be on the same situation but with even less support.

MolyHolyGuacamole · 16/10/2021 20:59

I agree with everyone above, but I have to ask, what was the situation with his work before you had DS? Was it this same situation?

What's the reason for him not being able to work from a job near home or you not being able to move to where his work is?

Just wondering if you discussed how having kids would work when he had this type of job.

He sounds like an ass regardless

Volhhg · 16/10/2021 21:00

Meant to say what a git not guy

Dancingbugbadge · 16/10/2021 21:01

You deserve better.

50sock · 16/10/2021 21:03

Sorry to say this but it doesn't sound like he cares about you, he seems to have the best of both worlds; freedom to do as he pleases during the week, and then at weekend a nice home and he can opt into family life if he can be arsed.

DH worked away Sunday night to Friday evening for 3 years when DS was small, and he would come home if needed- his job was probably harder than most to do so, but sometimes family has to come first. He also did his share at the weekend and extra bits around the house to give me a break.

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