To think that he should have come home?

[Cakecakeandmorecake01]

This isn’t my first post, I’ve changed my username so it isn’t linked to my rather more personal first post.

I’m writing this whilst my toddler is napping in the car, just came back from a walk in centre and parked outside the house.

So, my partner works away and we have a 15 month old. He has worked away the majority of the year and comes home on a Friday night at about 11pm and leaves Sunday at about 3/4pm. He works 11 hour days and travels 3/4 hours on top of this each way on the weekend. He works really hard so is to tired he says to do any meals/housework on the weekend and I seem to still spend loads on time with my DS without a break. He gets a lie in one day and i do the other and that’s it. He finishes work at 6pm and they go out for meals during the week/pub quizzes/ping pong and so on. It’s almost every night that he is there during the week. I on average sit down at 9pm if lucky

He didn’t come home last weekend as he was working a Saturday so went out on the Saturday night til 3am and had Sunday to himself

This was his final week before some time off! I am so excited. He finished work on Friday but they wanted to go out to celebrate finishing this project tonight. So, he stayed Saturday and is out tonight. They do this at the end of each project as they probably won’t see them again as all freelance.

Meanwhile our DS had been sick all week as have I. One day I cried on the phone during lunch saying I can’t do this (I know, I know) I got myself together pretty quick. He didn’t phone me that night to check in or ask how I was as they went out. I was a bit hurt but got on with it.

Anyway my toddler got worse on Thursday so I went to the dr. All okay but had to do night time check ins every 1/2 hours. When telling him this he kept say ‘aw, at least I’m back Sunday’. No offer to come home this morning if I needed it. I spent last night cleaning up sick and drying spare sheets till 11pm then night check ins. He won’t be back until Sunday evening,

They also went out for a meal on Thursday night as apparently quite a few people won’t stay over to go to the party but he is?

I know he works hard and deserves it too but, I can’t help but think if your partner and child are ill, you don’t stay out an extra 2 days if it’s not work?

Well, my toddler got worse today and I spent hours in a walk in centre.

Aibu to be annoyed he didn’t come home this morning? Knowing his child was already quite sick and so am I (I’m not too bad but still exhausted and feeling ill).

A divorce will cost you a lot more than £16k

I'd tell DH wedding us off and that I have no intention of tying myself to a selfish inconsiderate man for the rest of my or my child's life. That we deserve better.

He may turn it around when he realises he will lose you

Perhaps you can sell some of the services you'd booked to other bride and grooms to recoup costs

It wouldn't be a sustainable relationship for me having a partner away all the time. Regardless of children. My partner does work away from time to time and its hard work solo parenting while he is away, I get a weekend off when he is back!

OP you know what you need to do here, but I know that doesn’t make it easy to do. How are you and DD feeling this morning? Have you heard anything from your DP?

Please ditch him not marry him.

You truly are out of sight out of mind. He goes hope and plays at being Dad 0.5-1 day at the weekend. That's not parenting.

I used to have to go away with work, I loved it 3 evenings of eating out and being sociable and zero parenting- it was bliss! That was once a month at most though.

@FakeFruitShoot

What do you get out of this relationship?

Well, there's no mention of OP working, and the only responsibility she mentions having is caring for DS. I'm guessing the ability to do that full-time while her partner pays for everything is what she's getting out of this relationship. Plenty of people would kill to be able to do that, with or without an involved partner. It's not something to be thrown away casually because you're mad at your partner for a night out.

I'm so sorry that he's not the partner or father to your child that you deserve.

I think you know what you need to do. Good luck

You're doing it all anyway but at least if you cut him loose you won't be carrying the weight of disappointment and hurt on top of everything else.
Why did you want to marry him? Work through a list. Do those reasons still apply?
For example if reason #1 is "he's got a kind heart" then the question is "but is he kind to me?"
He could be the most wonderful guy in the world to everyone else, but of he's a shit to you it doesn't matter.

Sorry, but you don’t have a DP and your ds doesn’t have Df. You barely see him. He needs to find a job closer to home with fewer hours. Maybe a 9-5pm job or similar weekly hours. What do you get out of this relationship?

I agree with Watchingyou2
How on earth have you ended up in this position?
Why don't you live with your oh?
I mean really live with him and move to where he lives?
This is not a relationship in any way.
Did you plan to have a child with this man? Or was it an accident?
Bluntly, he does not care about you or his child.
Do not marry him.
You will live to regret it.
You may as well be single.
Start and be a positive role model, not some passive, submissive, doormat.
He will not change, you mean nothing to him. You provide a kid, sex and a clean home and make him look "respectable" to others thereby improving his profile.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn so you think OP should have agreed he come home immediately despite him being over the limit to drive? How stupid is that. Of course he didn’t think it out, he probably offered it knowing it was an empty offer. He Gould have got a taxi back to where he was staying immediately and slept it off then drove ASAP.

Oh and the only sensible thing is to end this shambles now.
In my experience he will pack this lifestyle in and settle down when he meets someone he actually loves and cares about.
Unfortunately for you, that is not you.

@Cakecakeandmorecake01 we are getting married in a month. I’ve planned 90 percent of it on my own.

Do NOT marry him! Break up. Get that child support. Move near to your family.

@PurpleOkapi

Absolutely. But is it worth feeling lonely, constantly let down etc? Only the OP knows that! And it may be that being partners in name only will work for them both going forward. It worked (works?) for the upper classes!

@Volhhg

What a guy, I'd be fuming too. Problem is if you leave him or kick him out you might be on the same situation but with even less support.

It would be pretty hard to imagine having less support

[quote FakeFruitShoot]@PurpleOkapi

Absolutely. But is it worth feeling lonely, constantly let down etc? Only the OP knows that! And it may be that being partners in name only will work for them both going forward. It worked (works?) for the upper classes![/quote]
Exactly. I'm not saying the guy's going to win any awards for Husband or Father of the Year, and if OP's truly miserable, then she shouldn't marry him. But I think a lot of people on here gloss right over the fact that she's just going to go from being a (functionally) single parent who can stay home because her partner pays for everything, to being a single parent who now has to work full-time because her partner no longer pays for everything. And maybe she'll be happier with that arrangement. But if she things being a single parent without having to work is tough, doing it while working will be a whole lot tougher.

The only reason to marry this wankbadger is for the legal protection

Sorry to be blunt

He's a selfish dick.

The sooner you cancel the wedding the more likely it is you can claw some of that 16k back whether it's by only losing the deposit (unlikely) or by selling some of the services on.

He doesn't sound like he's going to change, he doesn't give a shit about you or your child - you've begged him to come home, you've cried down the phone at him and he STILL doesn't give enough of a shit to end his jolly early. He didn't care that you've had to take your child to the walk in centre.

You might lose 16k, you might have to figure out life as a single parent but the alternative is living the rest of your life like this, with a selfish man who doesn't care about his child. It might be embarrassing to call off the wedding but divorce is expensive too

Stay sweet until you’ve gone down the aisle/had the ceremony.

Once you’ve got the legal protection if marriage it’s time fir a serious talk about your expectations.

Then dump him if he if (when!) he doesn’t shape up!

@Cakecakeandmorecake01

Hi Everyone,

Sorry, I meant to reply earlier.

Things have gone from bad to worse.

I started to feel sick as soon as I stood out of the car and it just got worse until I put DS down. I thought I was just hungry but then all of a sudden was running to the bathroom to be sick. Ive been sick every hour since. I feel awful. Even water is coming back up now and I can’t sleep. DS is fine thankfully!

I called DP right away and said I need him back as early as he can tomorrow. He offered to come home straight away but had a few drinks so I said no of course. He was stupid for even suggesting that!

Ive been checking his location each time I’m up hoping he’s back at the hotel so he can set off first thing. But he is still out right now!!! I am so angry. I keep messaging him go home now! Thankfully his mum is coming to help me tomorrow. DS hasn’t spent much time with her and we don’t get on but I was desperate and she has thankfully said of course

So sorry I’m rambling, why have I done this to myself? It’s all I keep saying.

To answer a few questions:
Ever since DS was born, I have noticed how selfish he is. I get counselling myself and my counsellor had said she’s worried he lacks serious empathy.

Before DS, I thought he was over all rather considerate and lovely.

I didn’t want to mention this as I was so embarrassed to be honest but, we are getting married in a month. I’ve planned 90 percent of it on my own. I do it in the evenings until 11pmish whilst he’s out.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, he’s done worse. He are suppose to be getting counselling next week and I don’t want to even bother now.

Hope this answers everything and thank you so much tor your replies. It’s not going to get better is it? I just don’t know that to do about the wedding? We will lose 16k.

Thankfully I am on the house 50% and I know he’ll pay as much child support. Everyone always says how lovely he is! He’s the guy that makes sure everyone gets home okay. I’ve just dropped down the list so much. I think he expects I’ll always be here jo matter what. I’ve told him I won’t be and it never gets better!

Sorry, more rambling. I feel so ill

If you're on the house 50% and he will pay as much child support, you'll be better off without him as you wont have the stress, can get your life back as he will have contact and that time will be your own, and you can move on with your life and maybe meet someone who gives a shit

He is not marriage material.

He has shown you how selfish he is.

What is the point of him?

Move on with your life.

You deserve better than a waster.

You deserve better...has he a second family during the week? I can understand the celebration after a job but you both I'll this time so he gives his apologies and comes home to look after both of you. He sounds a vvvv bad father and partner. Hand on heart do you want someone who cares about you and looking after you...

You’re effectively a single parent. I really
Couldn’t marry this man.

Your partner's lack of motivation to see his 15 month old child, whenever possible , is astounding, given his working away status. That's without considering an ill baby and partner, and lack of eagerness to see you. I would at the very least be postponing this marriage. It is very damaging to live with someone who shows no empathy or concern for you - it often turns from this to more obvious emotional abuse, as demands are made of them. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Don't ignore this behaviour and hope it gets better - it gets worse with age and the longer you are together the more trapped you are. 💐

Please don’t get married.