Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that he should have come home?

123 replies

Cakecakeandmorecake01 · 16/10/2021 19:58

This isn’t my first post, I’ve changed my username so it isn’t linked to my rather more personal first post.

I’m writing this whilst my toddler is napping in the car, just came back from a walk in centre and parked outside the house.

So, my partner works away and we have a 15 month old. He has worked away the majority of the year and comes home on a Friday night at about 11pm and leaves Sunday at about 3/4pm. He works 11 hour days and travels 3/4 hours on top of this each way on the weekend. He works really hard so is to tired he says to do any meals/housework on the weekend and I seem to still spend loads on time with my DS without a break. He gets a lie in one day and i do the other and that’s it. He finishes work at 6pm and they go out for meals during the week/pub quizzes/ping pong and so on. It’s almost every night that he is there during the week. I on average sit down at 9pm if lucky

He didn’t come home last weekend as he was working a Saturday so went out on the Saturday night til 3am and had Sunday to himself

This was his final week before some time off! I am so excited. He finished work on Friday but they wanted to go out to celebrate finishing this project tonight. So, he stayed Saturday and is out tonight. They do this at the end of each project as they probably won’t see them again as all freelance.

Meanwhile our DS had been sick all week as have I. One day I cried on the phone during lunch saying I can’t do this (I know, I know) I got myself together pretty quick. He didn’t phone me that night to check in or ask how I was as they went out. I was a bit hurt but got on with it.

Anyway my toddler got worse on Thursday so I went to the dr. All okay but had to do night time check ins every 1/2 hours. When telling him this he kept say ‘aw, at least I’m back Sunday’. No offer to come home this morning if I needed it. I spent last night cleaning up sick and drying spare sheets till 11pm then night check ins. He won’t be back until Sunday evening,

They also went out for a meal on Thursday night as apparently quite a few people won’t stay over to go to the party but he is?

I know he works hard and deserves it too but, I can’t help but think if your partner and child are ill, you don’t stay out an extra 2 days if it’s not work?

Well, my toddler got worse today and I spent hours in a walk in centre.

Aibu to be annoyed he didn’t come home this morning? Knowing his child was already quite sick and so am I (I’m not too bad but still exhausted and feeling ill).

OP posts:
ChorizoJacketPotato · 16/10/2021 21:05

This is just mind blowing. It is not a relationship. This is him living his life and popping home for a shag and some clean shirts.

Fernando072020 · 16/10/2021 21:05

I have a 15 month old too. He's also been sick this week. My DH has made sure to come home earlier than usual every day to help.
That's what a normal husband / father does. Your DH is a selfish, uncaring prick.

Reading posts like this just boil my blood. I'd rather be single than with someone like that. I'm sorry op, it's tough but it sounds like you're doing a great job
Tell your useless, lazy, selfish partner to step up or leave

MahMahMahMahCorona · 16/10/2021 21:15

His priorities are not you or your mutual child. His priority is work.

Please don't let this be the role model you set for your child. This isn't a role model. This is a selfish bastard. I divorced mine.

glasgowLil · 16/10/2021 21:16

Op -it’s really bad that you’ve had to deal with such a horrible situation all week by yourself. It took my husband a few years to realise how tough it is looking after a small child by yourself when you are also feeling ill. I think until you’ve had to do it, you can’t really imagine how bad it is. I think you need to sit him down and tell him that you cannot go through a week like you’ve just been through again because as others say, you’re basically a single parent. I would also book yourself several nights in a hotel and leave him to have some quality time with his child - it should open his eyes as to what you deal with on a daily basis. I really hope you snd your little one feel better soon. Hugs xx

Yogawankonobi · 16/10/2021 21:37

This isn’t a relationship! This is more than working lots, this is two people with completely separate lives.

Original poster
Cakecakeandmorecake01 · 17/10/2021 02:48

Hi Everyone,

Sorry, I meant to reply earlier.

Things have gone from bad to worse.

I started to feel sick as soon as I stood out of the car and it just got worse until I put DS down. I thought I was just hungry but then all of a sudden was running to the bathroom to be sick. Ive been sick every hour since. I feel awful. Even water is coming back up now and I can’t sleep. DS is fine thankfully!

I called DP right away and said I need him back as early as he can tomorrow. He offered to come home straight away but had a few drinks so I said no of course. He was stupid for even suggesting that!

Ive been checking his location each time I’m up hoping he’s back at the hotel so he can set off first thing. But he is still out right now!!! I am so angry. I keep messaging him go home now! Thankfully his mum is coming to help me tomorrow. DS hasn’t spent much time with her and we don’t get on but I was desperate and she has thankfully said of course

So sorry I’m rambling, why have I done this to myself? It’s all I keep saying.

To answer a few questions:
Ever since DS was born, I have noticed how selfish he is. I get counselling myself and my counsellor had said she’s worried he lacks serious empathy.

Before DS, I thought he was over all rather considerate and lovely.

I didn’t want to mention this as I was so embarrassed to be honest but, we are getting married in a month. I’ve planned 90 percent of it on my own. I do it in the evenings until 11pmish whilst he’s out.

This isn’t the first time this has happened, he’s done worse. He are suppose to be getting counselling next week and I don’t want to even bother now.

Hope this answers everything and thank you so much tor your replies. It’s not going to get better is it? I just don’t know that to do about the wedding? We will lose 16k.

Thankfully I am on the house 50% and I know he’ll pay as much child support. Everyone always says how lovely he is! He’s the guy that makes sure everyone gets home okay. I’ve just dropped down the list so much. I think he expects I’ll always be here jo matter what. I’ve told him I won’t be and it never gets better!

Sorry, more rambling. I feel so ill

OP posts:
Original poster
Cakecakeandmorecake01 · 17/10/2021 02:49

So,

I just phoned him and he said he’ll leave first thing and he’s on his way home. 1 hour wait for a taxi apparently. I told him at20:37 to leave as early as he can but he’s only thought to leave the party at 1:45!! If he left at 10pm he could have been slept and driving by 5am

OP posts:
Eealoty · 17/10/2021 03:04

It's really good you're coming to your senses now. I hope you leave him to it. A lack of empathy and that level of selfishness is a deal breaker really.

IrishMel · 17/10/2021 03:08

You poor thing and the baby. Do you have any family nearby or any support at all. He is extremely selfish and he is out every night. He should be home looking after you both, getting bit of shopping in and taking the baby to the doctor so you can relax. Why is he always home on a fri at 11pm as sure he finishes work earlier and leaves so early on a sunday, is that so he can go out again. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk as he does not seem to take his role in your family serious at all and he should be supporting you both and want to be involved. Bad form that he did not ring to check how your baby was. Am shocked at this how selfish he is. You deserve better and he needs to change fast.

IrishMel · 17/10/2021 03:11

As for the wedding I would try to postpone it as not a good start to a marriage at all. Good his mum is coming to help, please rest up tomorrow and sleep if you stop being sick. Get better soon.

emlouwat · 17/10/2021 03:12

He sounds like a right selfish dick

IrishMel · 17/10/2021 03:14

Oh meant to say what do you mean he has done worse. Not fair that you are left to do it all as it is also his baby. take care.

JuneOsborne · 17/10/2021 03:14

Well, he's got the life of Riley, hasn't he?

Zero responsibility all week long. He comes home, does fuck all and swans off back to work for the week.

I couldn't live with that. As for marrying him, think long and hard about that. What are you marrying? A man that it is never there? A man who prefers a drinking session when his wife to be is sick? When he can go out every single night of the week anyway? You're pretty low on his priories aren't you?

It's harder to extract yourself from a marriage.

I mean, if you split up, what actual difference would it make to your life?

I hope you feel better soon.

labazslovesliving · 17/10/2021 03:25

you are acting the role of a single parent while he is living the dream life of a single man. he is selfish a man who cares for his wife and child would be home post haste. it seems his life is a constant round of leisure activities and parties do they need to do so many parties and celebrating? is it not just work you do complete then get on with the next thing on the agenda? if I was you id tell him to do one and carry on living as you are but without the burden of him

justbackfrombangkok · 17/10/2021 04:29

You need legal advice asap. Dont get married until you know exactly where you stand legally and financially.
This man is selfish and will never be a decent husband and father.
I am so sorry you have ended up in this situation.

MyOtherProfile · 17/10/2021 04:35

He's going to be exhausted from partying, not from working, when he gets back.

While his mum is there to help take the time to really talk with him. Write it all out first - how much you do, how little you get to have time for you. Also before he gets back tell his mum what's going on. This all needs to change.

Saoirse82 · 17/10/2021 04:43

I really feel for you OP, he sounds awful, so horribly selfish. I can't imagine my DH wanting to be aware from our DC a minute longer than he had to be, especially if they were sick and you being sick too. He's a shit partner and a shit father. I'd have serious serious doubts about marrying him, I know it difficult to pull out at this stage and it's easy for us to say just leave him but he's treating you terribly, don't marry someone like this. Hope you and your son are feeling better soon Flowers

tickertock · 17/10/2021 04:45

Don't marry him, you've planned 90% of the wedding and you spend most of your time on your own anyway, it will a one party marriage. Plan your own escape route

TheChiefJo · 17/10/2021 05:01

Hope this answers everything and thank you so much tor your replies. It’s not going to get better is it? I just don’t know that to do about the wedding? We will lose 16k.

Well, if that's what it costs you'll lose it either way.

Don't marry him.

Ann5324 · 17/10/2021 05:18

I have a DH who works similar to yours. So I can sympathise completely. It has reduced due to covid but majority of time he is away.

It’s awful isn’t it. My DH hates the working situation so he often texts me that he “is depressed and hates life”. I got a text like this last Friday. It makes me feel worse and makes me feel I have no one to talk to or support.

Only advice I can give is you have to decide - either things change or you move on with your life. Looking forward to weekends is not a way to live

Dita73 · 17/10/2021 05:19

Don’t marry him!!! You’re having counselling already!! You are wasting your time with him. You got the best part of him,your son. Leave the rest of him behind and move on. You’ll be ok and you’ll be relieved you did

BadNomad · 17/10/2021 05:40

Wow. Your baby is only 15 months old and his father has already been absent for most of his life and still chose to not see him for two weeks just because he couldn't be bothered to drive home for one day. That's really awful. What even is the point of him. You're doing it all on your own already. It might be easier to make it permanent rather than have hope and expectations for someone who shows he couldn't care less if he tried.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 17/10/2021 05:49

He offered to come home straight away but had a few drinks so I said no of course. He was stupid for even suggesting that!

This was not stupid. This was thought out. He offered to come home. You were the one who said no. What more could he possibly do? If youd had said yes come home, he wouldnt have as he couldnt have. Instead offering made him look like he would have done something to help when he actually had no intention of doing.

The problem you have is that he is so very selfish youll be parenting alone. But then again, you are anyway.

beastlyslumber · 17/10/2021 05:53

OMG you poor thing. He sounds worse than useless. I'm so sorry. I agree with pp, you will be better off without him. Get your ducks in a row and leave. Life can be so, so much more wonderful xx

Lovelymincepies · 17/10/2021 06:13

I had a partner like this. He was having an affair. Free to go out during the week and did so, I didn’t really know to what extent until he left!!

He’d come home at weekends please that he had very little money and I paid for everything during the weekends.

You deserve better than this. He is no doubt shagging about if not having an affair. He’s selfish and uncaring. Leave him.

Hope you feel better soon x