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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fiancé lazy or am I just being dramatic?

147 replies

youngmum1719 · 16/10/2021 11:31

I am currently 8 months pregnant with baby #2, DD is 1.5 years old. I am a SAHM and Fiancé works part time. He has 3 days off a week but seems to still do nothing around the house. He is constantly complaining about mess (even though I don’t ever stop cleaning/tidying) and the fact when he’s home the washing up builds up. This is due to him using a new plate/cup/cutlery every few hours and not cleaning after himself. DD is better at cleaning than him because she sees me doing it constantly. He also lays in bed until 11/12 each morning when he’s off or is working an afternoon shift. He never gets on the floor and plays with our daughter, he has to be asked 3/4 times to actually do something for her or with her. I don’t know what to do anymore, he still expects to be having sex 4/5 times a week but I don’t want to have it when I don’t feel appreciated or don’t get any help at all!

What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
youngmum1719 · 16/10/2021 12:38

I don’t want my children growing up without both of their parents and I don’t see him making an effort if we were to split. I know that I need to be happy if I want my children to be too… I just don’t want to call it quits without trying everything. I think I’ll wait until DD is in bed or napping and have a long conversation and just say he needs to do these things or I’m going to have to walk away for the sake of our children and my happiness

OP posts:
Karwomannghia · 16/10/2021 12:41

He won’t change. If you’re going to live with it as it sounds like you are, I recommend getting a job as soon as possible where you share childcare and you make your own money.

Therealjudgejudy · 16/10/2021 12:42

Men like this very rarely change.

Leave him for the sake or your mental health

femfemlicious · 16/10/2021 12:44

Why do women keep having children with these men.

LannieDuck · 16/10/2021 12:46

Why is he only PT? Could you get a PT job that fits in with his days off?

Alternatively, you could try the angle that you also only work 4 days/week. So on the days he's off, you're off too and won't be doing any housework or childcare. I suggest you take yourself out of the house those days to avoid being 'default' person-who-does-everything.

Aria2015 · 16/10/2021 12:46

You're a stay at home mum who is 8 months pregnant. He should be helping you at this stage in your pregnancy just because any caring person wouldn't their heavily pregnant partner run ragged. Also, what will happen when the baby arrives? You'll have a newborn and a very young toddler (still a baby in my eyes). You will need to work as a team and parent or you'll be miserable. I needed lots of help with my first when I had my second and I had a much bigger age gap. I would personally be ha ding out some ultimatums if I were you and I certainly wouldn't be having sex with such a selfish excuse for a partner!! Look into counselling and also start thinking if there is somewhere you could go after the baby is born to be around help and support. Because if he's this useless when the baby arrives, you'll need it.

I know you don't want to leave, but you've already said your tiny daughter clears up more than him because she see you doing it all the time. Think about the message she's getting about relationships and then think how you'd feel, if in 30 years time she was living as you are now, because that's what will happen. She'll grow up thinking it's the woman's 'job' to do everything and she won't be any happier than you are for it either.

HebalGerbil · 16/10/2021 12:48

What would I do?

I would throw his dirty dishes at his head and tell him to fuck off.

I wouldn't allow anyone to treat me like that.

These threads are never-ending and make me angry that nothing ever bloody changes with these types of misogynistic teenagers men while the woman feels she has to be all nice, polite and accommodating or she will be responsible for breaking the family up. It is his shitty behaviour putting your family life at risk, not yours. Stop kowtowing to the bone idle bastard.

riotlady · 16/10/2021 12:48

He sounds incredibly lazy, OP. On his days off, he should be 50/50 with you on childcare and household stuff

Travis1 · 16/10/2021 12:48

He will not change. He has you exactly where he wants you. You need to leave and if you won’t leave please make sure your contraception is shit hot after this baby is born.

AttaGirrrrl · 16/10/2021 12:48

First off, stop calling it ‘help’. You don’t want him to ‘help’ you. You want him to ‘pull his weight’ / ‘contribute to the house’ / ‘be an adult’. It’s not about help! Make that really clear to him as well. If he say a”I’ve done xx for you” remind him it’s not for you; it’s for the household.

Original poster
youngmum1719 · 16/10/2021 12:50

@Aria2015 thank you! Some responses are just judging instead of advice which is a bit annoying 🙄

I think you’re right, I need to be somewhere for help and with someone willing to help me. Unfortunately right now I don’t think he’s willing to do that, I will say I need you to do this and stick to it and I am willing to try and make it work if he’s doing it. If not then I can’t be happy in the relationship and don’t expect our children to be raised in an unhappy home. We’ve been together for ages and I just don’t see my life with anyone else

OP posts:
JaneDoe21 · 16/10/2021 12:52

How do you even cope on a 3 day a week salary? Confused
YABU having another child with a lazy man child.

GoldChick · 16/10/2021 12:55

Did he even want kids? He needs to sort himself out. If he's got depression he needs to speak to a doctor. If he's just being lazy he needs to work on being less lazy.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 16/10/2021 12:56

He must have a great job to support a family of soon to be 4 people on a part time pay. Im wondering what it is?

BettysGotMoxie · 16/10/2021 12:56

He works 4 days a week and has 3 days off. How do so many posters read things so poorly?

alexdgr8 · 16/10/2021 12:59

so if he was a flatmate and left all this washing up for you to do, etc, would you just scurry around doing it.
but because you call it a relationship, and add in sexual services for free, you get to do all the chores, and childcare.
if you make yourself into a doormat, people will walk on you. and wipe their feet.
sorry, but you are self-deluded OP.
does this link to your childhood. that you expect to be treated so badly.
what was your relationship with your parents like; what model of healthy family relationships did they give you, or your grandparents, uncles, aunts, neighbours. anyone ? books, films.
somewhere you must have seen a healthy partnership, mutually supportive and respectful.
think on that. you are not living that. it's not good for your children.

RussianSpy101 · 16/10/2021 12:59

YANBU
I couldn’t be with a lazy man like this who only worked part time and did nothing around the house or with our child

What does he actually bring to your life other than a part time wage?

TheChip · 16/10/2021 13:01

The only solution is to LTB.
I can not believe he claimed this is on you because you have changed due to your anxiety.

No. He is a lazy arse who is along for the free ride. You pull him up on his behaviour and he puts it on YOU.

Howshouldibehave · 16/10/2021 13:03

I don’t get how people survive in a couple where one person works part time?! I work part time, DH works full time and we still struggle! How do you pay the bills?!

He sounds like a an arse tbh. I would have got engaged to someone who demanded sex let alone got pregnant by him twice.

Lbnc2021 · 16/10/2021 13:03

He’s not going to change. I guarantee you’re still going to be in this situation 5 years from now.

worriedatthemoment · 16/10/2021 13:04

Lazy definitely, why does he only work part time ? Is that through choice as well or medical ?

Ellie56 · 16/10/2021 13:08

He's a bone idle useless knob and treats you like shit. He isn't going to change. I'd dump him. At least then you'd be rid of his mess.

I certainly wouldn't marry him. And I wouldn't be having sex 4-5 times a week either.

worriedatthemoment · 16/10/2021 13:08

@Howshouldibehave i would imagine tax credits etc

Nannewnannew · 16/10/2021 13:08

@BettysGotMoxie I agree with you. Posters are also assuming that he’s working part time but it maybe that he’s working 4 x 12 hour shifts, although OP hasn’t indicated this.

@youngmum1719 I’m so sorry you are going through this, your partner sounds impossible. @Aria2015 has given you some sensible advice and if he doesn’t change his ways then you seriously need to consider your future, because if he doesn’t change you will end up hating him, and quite honestly it sounds like he has no respect for you. You deserve better.

Original poster
youngmum1719 · 16/10/2021 13:09

Medical condition (not one that affects him being a parent) and he found a job that pays really well for those hours. We are still getting some help from the government but once baby is born and I have completed my course I’m doing I will be working too so we will come off any government help

OP posts: