Fiancé lazy or am I just being dramatic?

[youngmum1719]

I am currently 8 months pregnant with baby #2, DD is 1.5 years old. I am a SAHM and Fiancé works part time. He has 3 days off a week but seems to still do nothing around the house. He is constantly complaining about mess (even though I don’t ever stop cleaning/tidying) and the fact when he’s home the washing up builds up. This is due to him using a new plate/cup/cutlery every few hours and not cleaning after himself. DD is better at cleaning than him because she sees me doing it constantly. He also lays in bed until 11/12 each morning when he’s off or is working an afternoon shift. He never gets on the floor and plays with our daughter, he has to be asked 3/4 times to actually do something for her or with her. I don’t know what to do anymore, he still expects to be having sex 4/5 times a week but I don’t want to have it when I don’t feel appreciated or don’t get any help at all!

What would you do?

[flumposie]

If he's not doing his share around the house now when you are pregnant then he's not going to improve when the baby is here.

[HarrisonStickle]

What would you do?

Leave. He's lazy and selfish and will never change.

Your children will see their father do nothing and you doing everything and think that's how relationships work. So your daughter, who already picks up on this, will become a drudge to some other feckless wastrell and if your new baby is a boy, he will grow up expecting it from his partner.

Please instead teach them that if a relationship is not mutually respectful, it is one to be left, not endured.

[Anonymice1]

What I would do? I can assure you it would not have got to this stage. I could never live with an arse.

[Farwest]

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change

That's a devastatingly depressing sentence.

He won't change. Asking him to won't change him.

You don't need 'help'. You need a partner who steps up and sorts things out independently, ya know, like you do everyday. Without being nagged or begged or threatened.

I'm really sorry, OP. The only happy solution to this involves you leaving him. By all means, give him an ultimatum if you must; lay out your expectations. It won't work, but it may go a long way toward making you feel that you tried everything that you could.

[LittleBearPad]

What I would do?

I would leave him. He won’t change.

[BoxOfDreams]

@MrsRobbieHart

Oh these threads are so depressingly frequent. When will women wake up?

I know! So many similar threads at the moment. Lazy man-child acting lazy and childish, same old same old. Why are women accepting this and why do they always ask if they're the unreasonable one?

[youngmum1719]

@Farwest

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change

That's a devastatingly depressing sentence.

He won't change. Asking him to won't change him.

You don't need 'help'. You need a partner who steps up and sorts things out independently, ya know, like you do everyday. Without being nagged or begged or threatened.

I'm really sorry, OP. The only happy solution to this involves you leaving him. By all means, give him an ultimatum if you must; lay out your expectations. It won't work, but it may go a long way toward making you feel that you tried everything that you could.

Thank you. I don't want to leave knowing I could have done more. I want to be able to say to our children 'I did all I could, I tried my absolute hardest it just didn't work and that's okay because we're all happy now.' We still feel like really great friends when tensions aren't high but nothing more

[worriedatthemoment]

Op my 16 year old and 18 year old boys do more around the house than your dp
One works full time and other at college and works part time
Its not a case of helping , its more a case of doing his share
You need to have a chat and agree what you want him to do , even the days he works he can still play with your dd
Does his medical condition make certain household tasks difficult

[youngmum1719]

@worriedatthemoment

Op my 16 year old and 18 year old boys do more around the house than your dp
One works full time and other at college and works part time
Its not a case of helping , its more a case of doing his share
You need to have a chat and agree what you want him to do , even the days he works he can still play with your dd
Does his medical condition make certain household tasks difficult

Sometimes it can which is why I only ask for him to help with a few things. I know that they can be done quickly or if he's in pain can be done bit by bit throughout the time he's home. I don't expect the world, just for him to do his share

[Lbnc2021]

He’s not in too much pain to want sex 4 or 5 times a week though?

[MerryMarigold]

I think you need a bit of a rota/ schedule going. Are his 3 days per week consistent?

How about he does all the washing up? All of it even when he's working. That would make a great difference. And look after the kids one morning a week MINIMUM (preferably 2 with his schedule) so you can meet friends, go for a walk, go to gym etc.

My dh is Asian. His mum did everything but I've insisted he does all the washing up. He also works very long hours (5 days per week) but when I was SAHM he still did ask washing up and had the kids on Saturday mornings. He now does more than that as he works from home a lot.

[category12]

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change, this isn’t the person I feel in love with

What's in it for him to change? He'd have to do more boring stuff around the house, bother himself with his child and treat you like an equal partner. Currently he gets everything his own way and just has to shut you up occasionally when you talk about how unfair it is.

He loves his lazy arsed self far more than he loves you.

[GinIronic]

It’s not up to you to explain to your children that you tried your best. It’s not you - it’s him - he is what he is and he won’t change because you are the drudge in the relationship. He knows you won’t kick him out because you think two parents are better. This isn’t true. Two caring parents that love each and see themselves as a team - yes. He isn’t on your team. He is the third child.

[TatianaBis]

WWID?

Well I wouldn't have had kids with him.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

The problem is he thinks he’s too good to do basic stuff like cleaning, looking after his child and even tidying up his plates. He thinks you’re less important than him, while you’re heavily pregnant with his baby, and that you should do things he doesn’t want to.

How do you get someone with that mindset to change?

[beastlyslumber]

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change, this isn’t the person I feel in love with. He keeps telling me I’ve changed because I have bad anxiety, but I’ve been trying to work through them. I have spoken to him and set some boundaries as I’ve realised I have some unresolved childhood trauma and he doesn’t like it. I feel as if he’s punishing me for finally taking control of my life

Yes, he is punishing you for taking control of your own life and for no longer passively accepting being his doormat for him to wipe his feet on. You can set boundaries all you like and watch him trample all over them. A decent partner would be happy to see you grow and improve your life, and would do all he could to support you in that.

He won't change. He reeled you in with his act and made you think that's the real him. But it's the other way around: he's an arse, and he just pretended to be decent until he had you hooked, and now he can't be bothered to maintain the pretence.

WWID? I would leave, tbh. You deserve better. He sounds like a useless partner and an even more useless father.

[Sloth66]

I can’t see him changing. You are there to serve him, that’s about it.
And your DD will see this and think that’s just the way things are…

[worriedatthemoment]

@Lbnc2021 thats true

[Tallisimo]

He won’t change. He has demonstrated this by …. not changing even though you have highlighted his laziness on multiple occasions. Do you really want to be stuck with someone who has no respect for you? I’d be giving him his marching orders.

[RosesAndHellebores]

To be entirely honest my dh said at the very beginning that he wouldn't be doing any cooking, cleaning or laundry and equal shares of childcare was never going to happen. Fortunately he has never had an issue paying the cleaner or the au-pair and is tidy personally and to pernickety levels about the house.

He redeemed himself by being extremely hard working professionally.

I entered the relationship with my eyes open.

You will not change him and he is yet to redeem himself.

[Italiangreyhound]

This sounds utter shit. I'd tell him it changes or I'd leave him. He sounds like a little boy. Why is he working part-time, what can four people live on? A part-time wage. Do you work?

[MerryMarigold]

Ps. Yes he's very lazy and your are definitely not dramatic enough!

[Fluffymule]

He isn't going to change. Why would he?

I know you don't want to hear that now. I know you think everyone saying that on this thread is being rather mean or unhelpful. But I think you should consider that this majority view is born from a huge range of relationship experiences over many years, and thousands of near identical threads indicate it too.

He isn't going to change.

[Bollindger]

Do the x or y.
Can you wash up or vacuum the floor.
Do you want to take DD to the loo or take your plates into the kitchen.
Then when he complains just say well your never do your share.