Fiancé lazy or am I just being dramatic?

[youngmum1719]

I am currently 8 months pregnant with baby #2, DD is 1.5 years old. I am a SAHM and Fiancé works part time. He has 3 days off a week but seems to still do nothing around the house. He is constantly complaining about mess (even though I don’t ever stop cleaning/tidying) and the fact when he’s home the washing up builds up. This is due to him using a new plate/cup/cutlery every few hours and not cleaning after himself. DD is better at cleaning than him because she sees me doing it constantly. He also lays in bed until 11/12 each morning when he’s off or is working an afternoon shift. He never gets on the floor and plays with our daughter, he has to be asked 3/4 times to actually do something for her or with her. I don’t know what to do anymore, he still expects to be having sex 4/5 times a week but I don’t want to have it when I don’t feel appreciated or don’t get any help at all!

What would you do?

[Wrenna]

He would be my fiancé no longer. Get rid.

[Maybebaby8]

I would leave. My EX is exactly the same and is unfortunately lazy and a crap dad. I just wish i had left sooner.

If he doesn't want to change he won't, you can't force him and no amount of nagging will change him. All it will do is give him a reason to moan at you for nagging and make you look unreasonable.

[GrandDuchessRomanov]

Thank goodness I was brought up by a strong woman who would never have put up with this shit and taught all her three daughters to do the same.

Maybe think on how this is going to play out in the long term if you stay with this loser with regards your DC's and their attitudes to stuff like this.

People treat you how you allow them to treat you OP.

My Sister in law is exactly like you, 3 kids in and nothing but a drudge to my totally useless BIL who is proud to announce to anyone who will listen that he has never changed a single nappy.

[Amiwronghere]

I’d leave.

No way I’d let my children growing up thinking this is how relationships look, this is what a woman does, this is what a man does etc.

[Chloemol]

So basically you have three children

Divvy up the jobs for him to do when he doesn’t work. Or g9 out and leave him with the toddler

[Lynne1Cat]

He sounds more like a lazy teenager than a partner and father.

He only works half the week? Why isn't he working full-time? As he's off half the week, he definitely should be getting up at a proper time and helping you around the house and with your child.

You're 8 months pregnant but he expects a lot. He sounds very unpleasant, selfish and bone idle. Sorry, but I doubt things will improve when you have your 2nd child. He hasn't changed yet. What exactly do you like/love about him?

[nicecoffeecup]

There is so much wrong there ... but on the minor topic: I can't understand how people just can't bother to put away/clean dishes when they are finished with them. Drives me mad :) In my experience it's also been an indicator of the person being more generally lazy too.

[DrSbaitso]

[quote RosesAndHellebores]@DrSbaitso the point I made initially was that he was crystal clear from day one. Yes I quite agree with you that it was fine, because a I knew what I was getting and b he financed his equivalent input and more.

In the ops shoes I wouldn't have had the first, let alone planned a 2nd child.[/quote]
Sure, but you never did have to do everything, so the fact that he was crystal clear is less relevant than the fact that you both knew he'd be buying in his load with money as opposed to female exhaustion, to quote the somewhat maligned post upthread.

It's a fine and fortunate way to live and has obviously worked for your family, which is great. But it's not the same as a man who does buy his time with your energy, and to put it down to "priorities" is a little facile.

[RosesAndHellebores]

@DrSbaitso the point I made initially was that he was crystal clear from day one. Yes I quite agree with you that it was fine, because a I knew what I was getting and b he financed his equivalent input and more.

In the ops shoes I wouldn't have had the first, let alone planned a 2nd child.

[2bazookas]

I'd LTB.

He's a lazy feckless slob, you'd be better off without him . Your children will copy his behaviour and attitude to you.

[BluebellsGreenbells]

Have you gone out for the day and left him to deal with the baby and housework?

You also need a day off -

[Cosyblankets]

Well I would leave but reading your posts this doesn't seem likely.
Draw up a list of all the chores and children's activities and sit down with him and decide who does what especially on his days off. Put names against who currently does what and he can see the imbalance

[EspressoDoubleShot]

The man won’t change, he has no compelling reason to do so. Op tolerates his behaviour and keeps on top of all the chores etc. Plus he gets a shag on demand, 4-5 time a week

[billy1966]

There are just so many threads like this.

Women doing everything, having children with absolute wasters.

They never change.

My busy teens do more that this waster around the house.

How do you have sex 4/5 times with such a waste of space?

Sort out your contraception for starters.

Have you any family to support you?
Reach out if you do.

[EspressoDoubleShot]

[quote WizardOfAus]@EspressoDoubleShot

We can always count on you for bitter comments. [/quote]
And I shall count on you for an anodyne list you copied from the internet
Seeing you appear to lack original thought and need to paste a list

[DrSbaitso]

@RosesAndHellebores

Obviously not when he was in NY. I am not ashamed of our priorities and we remain very happily married after 30 years and have well balanced children who have succeeded. We were and are partners in the family team. Interestingly many of the couples who were joined at the hip and carped to me about how they wouldn't put up with doing everything and their dh being at work all the time split up as their youngest hit 6th form.

Yes, but you're not doing everything. Your husband's salary paid for a cleaner and au pair, so you get your time off even if it's not your husband taking on the load.

Throwing money at a problem can indeed be a solution. You have been fortunate that your husband's salary could prevent you from keeling over with exhaustion and, consequently, resentment.

But what if he had worked only part time, or had worked hard but just not earned enough for all this domestic help? Leaving no option but you or him covering it, and him simply refusing?

[WizardOfAus]

@EspressoDoubleShot

We can always count on you for bitter comments.

[EspressoDoubleShot]

Nerves wholly in tact thank you
I prefer reading a considered nuanced opinion from posters as opposed to a copy and paste of a list
It remains a pile of shite.

[Claudethecat]

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@WizardOfAus that’s a real heap of shite. Long and all yo! Hear me now sisters[/quote]
Well you really have presented a robustly thought out counter argument there. Did @WizardOfAus touch a nerve @EspressoDoubleShot?

[WizardOfAus]

[quote EspressoDoubleShot]@WizardOfAus that’s a real heap of shite. Long and all yo! Hear me now sisters[/quote]
Cool story, bro.

[Pumperthepumper]

@RosesAndHellebores

Obviously not when he was in NY. I am not ashamed of our priorities and we remain very happily married after 30 years and have well balanced children who have succeeded. We were and are partners in the family team. Interestingly many of the couples who were joined at the hip and carped to me about how they wouldn't put up with doing everything and their dh being at work all the time split up as their youngest hit 6th form.

Do you think they should have done what you did?

[RosesAndHellebores]

Obviously not when he was in NY. I am not ashamed of our priorities and we remain very happily married after 30 years and have well balanced children who have succeeded. We were and are partners in the family team. Interestingly many of the couples who were joined at the hip and carped to me about how they wouldn't put up with doing everything and their dh being at work all the time split up as their youngest hit 6th form.

[BertramLacey]

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change, this isn’t the person I feel in love with.

You fell in love with an idealised version of him, if that. You fell in love with who you wanted him to be, not who he actually is. I think you're looking for us to tell you how to change him but we can't. There's no recipe for changing someone. People do change, but rarely in the way that you want them to know and never without considerable effort on their part.

I feel as if he’s punishing me for finally taking control of my life and trying to feel better

This is highly likely. This is who he actually is. Your DD is already copying you and doing more housework than him. I know you aren't ready to do this yet, but if it were me, I'd be planning to leave.

[EspressoDoubleShot]

@WizardOfAus that’s a real heap of shite. Long and all yo! Hear me now sisters

[BeMoreQueer]

Contraception

That’s what I would do

Surely you knew he was like this before you brought another child in?

My ex was a nightmare with our daughter but still pushing to try for another before my section had even healed.

If we don’t want men to be like this then stop breeding with the wasters and pretending they are going to change

Why would they change when their nanny and bang maid does it all?