Fiancé lazy or am I just being dramatic?

[youngmum1719]

I am currently 8 months pregnant with baby #2, DD is 1.5 years old. I am a SAHM and Fiancé works part time. He has 3 days off a week but seems to still do nothing around the house. He is constantly complaining about mess (even though I don’t ever stop cleaning/tidying) and the fact when he’s home the washing up builds up. This is due to him using a new plate/cup/cutlery every few hours and not cleaning after himself. DD is better at cleaning than him because she sees me doing it constantly. He also lays in bed until 11/12 each morning when he’s off or is working an afternoon shift. He never gets on the floor and plays with our daughter, he has to be asked 3/4 times to actually do something for her or with her. I don’t know what to do anymore, he still expects to be having sex 4/5 times a week but I don’t want to have it when I don’t feel appreciated or don’t get any help at all!

What would you do?

[wewereliars]

OP He won't change, the early version has left the building for good.

End it now, or in 5 years or so when your reesentment has grown so much you will hate him. The children will be better off if you leave now.

[Rosesareyellow]

Off topic - I’d love to know what part time jobs pay enough to support a SAHM and two kids. Feel like many of us are missing a trick there.

[1forAll74]

I fail to see how you can have any feelings at all for a man such as he is.
He is not a proper partner in any stretch of the imagination. I doubt he will magically change his ways overnight.

[EspressoDoubleShot]

You’re with A man who is punishing you your own words
It’s a toxic dysfunctional relationship and he’s domineering you
But you know that already. However you’re not ready to leave him and he won’t change. So for time being you’re stuck. He won’t initiate a change and your too scared to

[Pumperthepumper]

@RosesAndHellebores

To be entirely honest my dh said at the very beginning that he wouldn't be doing any cooking, cleaning or laundry and equal shares of childcare was never going to happen. Fortunately he has never had an issue paying the cleaner or the au-pair and is tidy personally and to pernickety levels about the house.

He redeemed himself by being extremely hard working professionally.

I entered the relationship with my eyes open.

You will not change him and he is yet to redeem himself.

Wow! Did he say why?

[PearlclutchersInc]

What would I do? Give serious consideration to my future without him.

Idle f*cker.

[Suzi888]

YANBU he’s a lazy toad

[MouseholeCat]

In this situation I'd be getting myself as financially independent as possible as soon as is feasible once baby #2 arrives so that I could leave.

I know you say you want your kids to have both parents around, but really they don't right now- they have one parent who is present, and another who barely gives a shit. That's not going to model a good relationship dynamic for them, or teach them how women should be treated.

[Youseethethingis]

I agree with the "x or y" technique.
"Are you doing bath and bed or are you doing the dishes because you sitting on your arse watching me run around doing everything isn't an option"
It's as simple as that. If his answer is "I'll sit here and watch you do everything" then you know he holds you in utter contempt and you'd be better off planning to separate.

[icedcoffees]

I don’t want to leave him, I just want him to change

You can't change him. This is who he is.

My advice? Do not marry this man. You will be much happier without a fully grown toddler to deal with for the rest of your life.

[RosesAndHellebores]

Yes @Pumperthepumper - he didn't like it and didn't want to. I didn't have a problem with that and over 30 years our individual contributions to our shared lives has been equal. I have taken all the house stuff; he has given all the money stuff usually working 60/70 hour weeks. I work full time now although had 8 years off but until recently he earned 10 times my income and has never questioned a penny I have spent.

[pleb123]

Can somebody explain what DD, DM etc means please

[hotmeatymilk]

Cancel the wedding, so not marry this arsehole.
Repeat x 1 million.

That’s it, that’s the solution.

[Pumperthepumper]

@RosesAndHellebores

Yes *@Pumperthepumper* - he didn't like it and didn't want to. I didn't have a problem with that and over 30 years our individual contributions to our shared lives has been equal. I have taken all the house stuff; he has given all the money stuff usually working 60/70 hour weeks. I work full time now although had 8 years off but until recently he earned 10 times my income and has never questioned a penny I have spent.

He didn’t like looking after his own children?

[RosesAndHellebores]

He didn't have time. In the early days when he was building his career he was out of the house from 7am until 9.30pm. There was a year when he was in NY more than the UK. He has looked after his children very well providing the very best of educations and ensuring they have no student debt.

[Shoxfordian]

He sounds like a loser
Up to you if this is good enough for you

[Osrie]

You say you try to talk but feel like you are doing more damage, live and learn and start living the way you and your children deserve. Tell him how life will be now and NO third chances.

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Would he try counselling? Having to explain to a third party why he thinks it's ok for him to have lots of free time while you have none because you're constantly doing childcare or housework, might help.

But I'm sorry, I'd love to give advice but you can't get him to change without something dramatic or outside help

[choli]

My advice? Do not marry this man. You will be much happier without a fully grown toddler to deal with for the rest of your life.
I very much doubt that marriage is on the 'fiancées' agenda so the OP is safe from that.

[Pumperthepumper]

@RosesAndHellebores

He didn't have time. In the early days when he was building his career he was out of the house from 7am until 9.30pm. There was a year when he was in NY more than the UK. He has looked after his children very well providing the very best of educations and ensuring they have no student debt.

That’s really sad. What a lot to miss out on.

[WhatMattersMost]

[quote youngmum1719]@Aria2015 thank you! Some responses are just judging instead of advice which is a bit annoying 🙄

I think you’re right, I need to be somewhere for help and with someone willing to help me. Unfortunately right now I don’t think he’s willing to do that, I will say I need you to do this and stick to it and I am willing to try and make it work if he’s doing it. If not then I can’t be happy in the relationship and don’t expect our children to be raised in an unhappy home. We’ve been together for ages and I just don’t see my life with anyone else[/quote]
Here's my advice: give your head a wobble, and break up with him. While he is an absolute arsehole, it is you who is perpetuating this madness. And your kids will learn from both of you.

[Rosesareyellow]

We’ve been together for ages and I just don’t see my life with anyone else

Then what do you want to hear? You’ve clearly made up your mind to be with him. That’s your choice. But I don’t see the point in complaining then. Lazy arse floats your boat so much, no one else can match to him - accept him for who he is then and get on with things 🤷‍♀️ I personally would prefer to spend my life single than tie myself to the loser you’ve described.

[wewereliars]

Why does anyone suggest counselling for these useless men?

They know they are taking the piss and it's all fine for them.

They are getting just want they want, so why would they change?

Maybe have counselling yourself OP to explore why you think this is the best you can expect from a life partner.

[RampantIvy]

Did he want children as much as you did?
I would get a cleaner and get him to pay for it.

[Regularsizedrudy]

Why did you procreate with this twat?