CF territory and how to solve

[PurpleLlama]

NC as potentially outing...

Due to an initial risk of weather damage/damp, which has now cascaded into a house move to downsize and that won't need work on it, I am currently heavily involved in the sale of my grandparent's house/certain items of belongings to try and raise some money for care/downsize.

My DNan had an obsession with sewing. There is no other word for it. The studio (repurposed large shed) was weather damaged and damp was eking its way in, so DM and I took the initiative to box bits up/sort through/sell what we can as Nan has a long term condition that is deteriorating and will need care.. and is no longer able to sew.

One of my childhood friends (20+ years) has a mum (I'll call her Betty) who is heavily into sewing, so after mum and I took our pickings for projects, we thought Betty would love a root through/first dibs/a chance to have some bits cheaper than retail. DNan wasn't a cheapskate so a lot of high quality bits in her possession.

At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house she could have the sewing bits for free.
This was never mentioned, and a total wtaf moment for DM and me as it was so out of the blue and neither of us know where it came from.

Anyway, DM was clear on that to Betty, and we had no intention of developing ourselves, so was a moot point.

However, this was back in June/July sort of time, and so far there has been no money forthcoming.

It is sickening the amount of money's worth she has had from us (approximately £500 just in one type of thread, excluding the crates of fabric, other threads, equipment etc). Obviously we are not after retail prices, far from it, but even £1 an item would go a long way in helping us pay for DNan's care needs, and Betty would be getting a bloody bargain and she damn well knows it. They arent short of a penny or two, with 7 bedrooms, a swimming pool, tennis court and horses.

I am highly cautious about confronting her for the money, as I don't want it to have a knock on effect on my friendship with Betty's daughter, although deep down I don't think it will as she said her mum would pay...

AIBU in wanting to (diplomatically) say "oi bitch gimme money"?

Any suggestions on how to word it? I was thinking along the lines of giving her bank details in case my DM had "forgotten" and see what she replies...

Has she got access to the house? If not, message her with prices and tell her she can’t take anything for nothing.

Cant you just ask her dd to remind her? If she claims her mother will pay then ask the dd if she can pass on the bank details or if you should just text Betty directly. If she says text Betty directly you can then text her saying "Biddy has said to pass on the bank details for payment for nan's sewing items. It's £x in total. Thanks again for buying them. The money will be used for nan's care"

Cherry there was so much stuff we let her take a crate of material at a time to sort through at her home, and to get it out from under our feet (DM and I were trying to sort the house for photographs and didn't want it looking like a shit tip managed it and surprised the estate agent) so unfortunately it has already left the house. We were working on the basis of knowing them over 20 years and..yuh know.. trustworthy....

Runner I'm trying to keep my friend out of it as I don't want to risk adversely affecting the friendship..

Difficulty in also knowing how much to charge - no solid idea on the number of pieces of fabric she has had, so that'll be a ball park guess. My only way to actually know for sure would be to get my friend to go round to Betty's and ask her to be shown what.. but then it is involving my friend, which is what I'm trying to avoid

One of my childhood friends (20+ years) has a mum (I'll call her Betty) who is heavily into sewing, so after mum and I took our pickings for projects, we thought Betty would love a root through/first dibs/a chance to have some bits cheaper than retail. DNan wasn't a cheapskate so a lot of high quality bits in her possession.

What was the exact agreement for "cheaper than retail"?

This is the problem when you are selling 2nd hand items, you need to be quite clear what the value is.
This gives the person the opportunity to turn you down.

It comes across in your post you've just said "Betty, I know you love sewing and my nan has some bits I think you'll love. Have a look and see if there is anything you'd like and we'll have a chat later about price".

It would sell for a few pounds only at an auction. Bear that in mind.

It sounds like she was actually helping you out by taking stuff that otherwise you would have had to dispose of.
Let it go.

I think you need to let it go. You were not clear with your expectations and she was helping out

It does sound like you were very unclear. If you are sure you said that you were expecting some money for the items then I think you are best to ask them for a set amount. I’d be upfront and just ask.

The items would be tedious to sell and you would probably get a lot, lot less than retail.

@victoriaspongecake

It sounds like she was actually helping you out by taking stuff that otherwise you would have had to dispose of. Let it go.

This.

Maybe ask something along the lines of “I keep meaning to ask if you’ve finished going through Nan’s sewing things and decide what you are interesting in buying from us. We are going to make surprise boxes of the remaining items to sell on eBay as have heard that’s very popular. I can pick up whatever you don’t want over the weekend and we can settle up if that works for you?”

Even apologize for taking so long to contact her about it and say you hope she didn’t feel pressured to keep anything she didn’t want.

Unfortunately second hand sewing stuff is going to be worth nowhere near the retail value of the stuff that you Nan paid for it. I’m not sure how you would ever get anywhere near the retail value. It’s a balance between getting something for it and giving it away for free, and getting rid of it easily. How do you think you will sell it at anywhere near its worth? Listing things online would be very time consuming, car boot sales or yard sales will unlikely get a high price.

I think you might be letting the fact that it belongs to your Nan cloud your judgement.

Its all been in a " weather damaged and damp shed". No matter what you think it's not going to be in the best condition - at the very least it will probably smell musty. And as a pp has said its the sort of thing that will sell for a couple of pounds for a mixed box at auction. You might get more making up packs of mixed bits (popular on etsy) but would need to wash and air everything first.

I think you should've put a price on it before she took it. I sew and I wouldn't be interested in purchasing a load of threads/fabrics as they deteriorate over time and I wouldn't know how long your nan had stored them. I don't think the resale value would be high.

Equipment is different I think; but you really should've given a price and made it clear they weren't free. I'd let this one go - what does your nan think?

Woah okay okay..
To everyone saying I wouldn't get near retail... I know that? I've even said that I wouldn't expect near retail

And the items we didnt throw were not damaged - we went through all of it and as we were on top of it all (the house/studio-shed) nothing was damaged by that. Sniff tested, handled, the lot. No musty smells, no dampness. The worst we found was some sun damage, to pieces that were laid out specifically to protect others.

I get what you're all saying, and I agree, DM and I should have been clear on our expectations regarding money. Whilst there was do mention of specific figures, it was definitely mentioned about paying.

And yes, time consuming though it may be, had we known we would be in this situation, we would have made bundles to sell. Again, I am aware we wouldn't get near retail - we are not after the retail cost back. Just something to pay towards care costs.

Unfortunately DNan isn't in a mentally well enough place at the moment to start having complex conversation with her.

We absolutely were not going to have to dispose of it all, so that was never a concern.

Yes, in future I will be a lot clearer about expectations, although to be honest I have no desire to ever be in this position again.

Natalia thank you - that sounds perfect and I will definitely be basing a message along those lines!

I’m a little unclear on whether Betty has just taken what she wants (and you have no idea how much that is, or whether she has crates of stuff at her house that she is supposed to have gone through, chosen the stuff she wanted, pay some as yet unnegotiated price for it and returned the rest to you to sell some other way.

But either way, so far she has taken stuff, paid nothing and returned nothing?

If this is the case I would just message her with some guff about “how time flies” and say things have been busy but now calmed down and this would be a good time to sort out how much of DM’s sewing stuff she’s buying and work out a mutually agreeable price.

Ahh just seem Natalia’s message. That’s just the tack to take.
.

Also, you shouldn’t feel awkward about this at all. If it becomes awkward just gently point out that these are not your things to give away, they are still your Nan’s and any proceeds will go toward her care.

Just give them to her. Sewing stuff is very expensive when bought brand new, but doesn't sell for much and hard to get rid of. Just forget it and move on. If it's really bothering you, then ask for a donation of twenty pounds to go towards the care costs.

I am someone who is offered this sort of thing regularly- and money has never been involved.
Maybe she didn't realise that you were expecting to be paid?

I actually think you are the CF to a degree - mixed sewing stuff /bits and pieces do not sell for much and sorting them takes loads of time. What you think was worth £500 would have probably sold for £5 and involved lots of effort on your part.

Agree with others.
It obviously wasn't made clear that you were selling the stuff, and tbh, I doubt they'd have taken it if they thought they'd be charged.
You could try pp suggestion of a message along those lines but be prepared for them to a) give it you all back b) call you the CF for asking for money for what is, sadly, worth nothing on the second hand market.

@NataliaSerene

Maybe ask something along the lines of “I keep meaning to ask if you’ve finished going through Nan’s sewing things and decide what you are interesting in buying from us. We are going to make surprise boxes of the remaining items to sell on eBay as have heard that’s very popular. I can pick up whatever you don’t want over the weekend and we can settle up if that works for you?”

Even apologize for taking so long to contact her about it and say you hope she didn’t feel pressured to keep anything she didn’t want.

This is perfect

To be honest I'd let it go for the sake of friendship. From Betty's point of view she thinks she did you a favour by helping clear the clutter so you could make a house sale which will get you far more money than selling on craft goods. Your Nan didn't but these stuff as an investment, she bought it for pleasure I assume.

One suggestion with the rest of the stuff. I went to a sale at a local church hall of a lady who had died who was into quilting. All the items were available and they just asked people to donate what they thought it was worth. Quick sale and made some good money.

you say 500 quid's worth - but you mean the retail price, right?
If your nan had been collecting it over years the value is greatly reduced anyway, so it's probably "worth" a fraction of that.

Assuming there is something left, tell her "no more" and ask her for a reasonable amount for what she's had - bearing in mind she may give you a counter proposal for helping you out.

I’m a keen sewer and people are always trying to give stuff away to me.

Generally for any project I make, I want something specific. In that case, I’m prepared to pay ££. But usually someone else’s second hand materials are not what I need and they end up sitting in my craft room for a long, long time before I find a use for them, or someone else who might need them. Quite often they go to projects like making Nativity costumes at my school.

More often than not, I take people’s offerings to help find a purposeful use for them, not because I actually want them.