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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

CF territory and how to solve

89 replies

PurpleLlama · 15/10/2021 23:06

NC as potentially outing...

Due to an initial risk of weather damage/damp, which has now cascaded into a house move to downsize and that won't need work on it, I am currently heavily involved in the sale of my grandparent's house/certain items of belongings to try and raise some money for care/downsize.

My DNan had an obsession with sewing. There is no other word for it. The studio (repurposed large shed) was weather damaged and damp was eking its way in, so DM and I took the initiative to box bits up/sort through/sell what we can as Nan has a long term condition that is deteriorating and will need care.. and is no longer able to sew.

One of my childhood friends (20+ years) has a mum (I'll call her Betty) who is heavily into sewing, so after mum and I took our pickings for projects, we thought Betty would love a root through/first dibs/a chance to have some bits cheaper than retail. DNan wasn't a cheapskate so a lot of high quality bits in her possession.

At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house she could have the sewing bits for free.
This was never mentioned, and a total wtaf moment for DM and me as it was so out of the blue and neither of us know where it came from.

Anyway, DM was clear on that to Betty, and we had no intention of developing ourselves, so was a moot point.

However, this was back in June/July sort of time, and so far there has been no money forthcoming.

It is sickening the amount of money's worth she has had from us (approximately £500 just in one type of thread, excluding the crates of fabric, other threads, equipment etc). Obviously we are not after retail prices, far from it, but even £1 an item would go a long way in helping us pay for DNan's care needs, and Betty would be getting a bloody bargain and she damn well knows it. They arent short of a penny or two, with 7 bedrooms, a swimming pool, tennis court and horses.

I am highly cautious about confronting her for the money, as I don't want it to have a knock on effect on my friendship with Betty's daughter, although deep down I don't think it will as she said her mum would pay...

AIBU in wanting to (diplomatically) say "oi bitch gimme money"?

Any suggestions on how to word it? I was thinking along the lines of giving her bank details in case my DM had "forgotten" and see what she replies...

OP posts:

justmaybenot · 17/10/2021 14:18

I think you should do as others have suggested and be as diplomatic as possible - the tone of your OP 'It is sickening' and 'CF territory' and comments about the size of Betty's house aren't really necessary. Just ask her if she's decided what she'd like to buy and if you can settle up.

Howshouldibehave · 17/10/2021 14:22

And no..she wasn't holding onto things so we could photograph to sell

Sorry, that’s what it sounded like when you wrote this…

there was so much stuff we let her take a crate of material at a time to sort through at her home, and to get it out from under our feet (DM and I were trying to sort the house for photographs and didn't want it looking like a shit tip

Bargoed · 17/10/2021 14:24

People aren't assuming - lots of us sell on ebay and Facebook - some like myself and another poster have done it professionally. Most craft and sewing stuff that are left overs from a hobby type sewer are actually a pita to photo and sell. Plus often unless rare go for a fraction of retail.

TwinklyBranch · 17/10/2021 14:45

@TopBlogger

It wouldn't even enter my head to charge an old family friend for unused crafting materials. I would be grateful that it had been taken off my hands and someone was getting the use of it

But you aren't the OP and the OP needs the money for her DNan's care

No, but I do know how much care costs, and a couple of hundred quid or whatever the OP would get from Betty will not go very far. Better to have an empty house to sell, and Betty having taken away these items helps the OP in that regard.

YoungGiftedPlump · 17/10/2021 15:04

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

If it's £500 retail, I guess it's worth around £100 now? If that's all I and Betty is helping in any way, I think you should let it go. It's a lesson in being clearer in saying "We're going to sell this for £100, just giving you first dibs but if you don't want no worries, we'll stick it on ebay". You really do need to be that clear about selling things. £100 is pocket money compared to the price you'll get for the house so I would really not sweat this too much.

Less than £50 I would guess

Here the job lots at auction start at a minimum bid of £5 and some don't even sell at that.

BoredZelda · 17/10/2021 15:13

My mum just cleared out her extensive stash of sewing stuff. All good quality, all in mint condition. She could hardly even give the stuff away, let alone sell it. In the end a friend of mine took a load of it away to use for her business and although she offered to pay, it would have been nominal and mum refused. The rest she gave to the local high school for their Home Ec dept. This stuff doesn’t have value and you are as well writing it off.

Original poster

PurpleLlama · 17/10/2021 19:28

howishould I see where that got mixed up - essentially rather than her looking through it at ours while we were readying the house for photographs she took it to her home to look at her own leisure, and not be confined by when we were at the house as well.

twinkly we are also aware of care costs, and currently it isnt care home/care at home we need the money for... it is adaptations on the house she is purchasing, for a very similar price to the one she is selling. So there isnt the spare money left from the sale to do the adaptions plus the other bits she wants to spend her money on, hence trying to sell what we can to help out!

Again, thanks for all the replies - clearly we have a skewed view on things and we will take that into account going forwards. However as it has been said by myself and other posters.. Betty was aware it wasn't for free.. but again, I accept we should have been clearer.

I will send a diplomatic message over the next few days when I work out what to say, and take it from there.

Thank you for your replies

OP posts:

tofuschnitzel · 17/10/2021 21:15

@PurpleLlama

I will send a diplomatic message over the next few days when I work out what to say, and take it from there.

Thank you for your replies

I think that's the best course of action, OP. Have you asked occupational therapy to assess your Grandma? She may qualify for adaptations to be made to her house. For instance, she may be able to get various equipment supplied to her, including hand rails around the house, having seating raised to help her get up and down from a seated position, perching stools, a shower chair, etc. It is really worth asking your local OT department with the council to do an assessment. I think the GP can refer your grandma to the service. You may be able to self refer too. It's based on need, rather than income levels.

Please ignore the ridiculous posts telling you that you won't make more than ten odd pounds for the craft supplies. A few people leave those sort of comments and it sets the tone for the entire thread. Yes it can be a bit of a faff to sell craft materials online on places like eBay or Etsy, and some things can take a while to sell. But I still think it's worth it, and you absolutely will make more than £10! I buy those types of bundles on eBay and I know what I pay for them. It's ridiculous for others to suggest that you won't make anything. You've said the brands are decent, which will help in selling them. And most of the threads haven't been used, which makes them even more likely to sell. You could seek out selling groups on Facebook for the specific crafts, as well as the craft groups your Grandma belonged to.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 17/10/2021 23:38

I dont think people are assuming it's only £100 worth. You said it cost £500 new. So you can extrapolate to second hand value rather than guessing or assuming.

mothermothermother · 18/10/2021 08:57

I know someone who got their stairlift and it’s fitting for free once their income was assessed by the local authority. Call them?

Original poster

PurpleLlama · 18/10/2021 09:25

tofu Thank you - it's on the list for us, for once she moves into her new place! There are some buts she wants that we aren't sure will be covered (wheelchair for days out with us, sit-stand recliner and some smaller bits), but we will certainly look into an OT referral, thank you!

mother no stairlift needed in her new place thankfully

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 18/10/2021 10:32

£500 seems like a lot to expect for second hand sewing equipment. I doubt she will have expected to pay anything like that if you did specifically tell her that is the value you had in mind.

TracyLords · 18/10/2021 10:38

Honestly, I’d let it go. You’ve not been clear in the first place: in her place I would have assumed I was getting them for free. Second hand items aren’t really worth that much. And besides... any money will be swallowed up in care fees

offyougotwantychops · 18/10/2021 11:17

I don't think anyone can say the fabric is worth pennies when op hasn't mentioned what the fabric is. For example Liberty fabric fetches a reasonable price on eBay, hobby craft fabric is cheap for a reason vintage fabric can also fetch a reasonable amount, particularly chintz Laura Ashley.
I would question the thread for £500. I think a decimal point has gone astray (especially if purchased from an independent craft shop which uses a cheaper pricing gun!)
I'm not sure Betty has been a CF op, I think there has been a genuine misunderstanding. But I hope you can work it all out. And good luck with your nan's moving, it must be very stressful for you

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