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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF territory and how to solve

89 replies

PurpleLlama · 15/10/2021 23:06

NC as potentially outing...

Due to an initial risk of weather damage/damp, which has now cascaded into a house move to downsize and that won't need work on it, I am currently heavily involved in the sale of my grandparent's house/certain items of belongings to try and raise some money for care/downsize.

My DNan had an obsession with sewing. There is no other word for it. The studio (repurposed large shed) was weather damaged and damp was eking its way in, so DM and I took the initiative to box bits up/sort through/sell what we can as Nan has a long term condition that is deteriorating and will need care.. and is no longer able to sew.

One of my childhood friends (20+ years) has a mum (I'll call her Betty) who is heavily into sewing, so after mum and I took our pickings for projects, we thought Betty would love a root through/first dibs/a chance to have some bits cheaper than retail. DNan wasn't a cheapskate so a lot of high quality bits in her possession.

At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house she could have the sewing bits for free.
This was never mentioned, and a total wtaf moment for DM and me as it was so out of the blue and neither of us know where it came from.

Anyway, DM was clear on that to Betty, and we had no intention of developing ourselves, so was a moot point.

However, this was back in June/July sort of time, and so far there has been no money forthcoming.

It is sickening the amount of money's worth she has had from us (approximately £500 just in one type of thread, excluding the crates of fabric, other threads, equipment etc). Obviously we are not after retail prices, far from it, but even £1 an item would go a long way in helping us pay for DNan's care needs, and Betty would be getting a bloody bargain and she damn well knows it. They arent short of a penny or two, with 7 bedrooms, a swimming pool, tennis court and horses.

I am highly cautious about confronting her for the money, as I don't want it to have a knock on effect on my friendship with Betty's daughter, although deep down I don't think it will as she said her mum would pay...

AIBU in wanting to (diplomatically) say "oi bitch gimme money"?

Any suggestions on how to word it? I was thinking along the lines of giving her bank details in case my DM had "forgotten" and see what she replies...

OP posts:
Werehamster · 16/10/2021 07:32

I also think you should have been clear from the beginning about what you expected. I also think 500 pounds for second hand sewing stuff sounds very expensive. If I were her, I'd dump it all back on you and tell you to get lost.

IrishMel · 16/10/2021 07:32

I actually think you are right and the other woman who has the stuff is acting very mean especially since she can afford to pay you. Do what the other poster said with the text and see what she replies to you. It is a difficult awkward situation but she should offer something as seems really tight. Good luck with all you are doing as sounds so stressful.

RootDeToot · 16/10/2021 07:37

I think you need to focus on the house sale. That’s where you are going to get the money for your Nan’s care.

At least Betty has got the stuff out of the house/shed which must have been helpful.

This misunderstanding is where the problem lies. She probably thinks she’s being helpful by dealing with the sewing stuff and you think she’s robbed you blind. You need to tell her clearly what your expectations of payment are so she can decide what she wants to do.

Charley50 · 16/10/2021 07:42

"At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house she could have the sewing bits for free."

So is she helping you sell / develop your nan's house?
I think she's doing you a favour taking it off your hands. You and your mum already had the best bits. It would be a hassle to sell, and won't be worth anything near what you think probably. It's nice to pass stuff to friends. It wouldn't make a dent on care costs.

Have you read the Swedish Death Cleanse? It's a short and lovely book about getting rid of possessions. Sorry about your Nan. It must be difficult for you all.

Puppalicious · 16/10/2021 07:50

It’s a little unclear from your OP whether Betty/your friend actually gave any help towards the house or not? Also how much do you think the stuff is worth (you said £1 per item but how many items are there?) I think that would help in working out who’s the CF.

Brefugee · 16/10/2021 07:56

@Charley50 i was going to mention Swedish Death Cleaning but i wondered if it might upset OP. But it really is worth looking into to save your family from handling things like this.
My daughter is currently decluttering our house, and i know she's heard me talking about this so i think she's also secretly getting us started on it

Bluetrews25 · 16/10/2021 08:14

How many hours has Betty spent clearing things away? How many trips in her car? How much storage space is it taking up at her house?
As a veteran of three house clearances (sadly) I can tell you she has done you a massive, massive favour. Her time/space for storage/petrol money would probably be worth a considerable amount. Quite possibly more than what you would get for these things if you tried to sell them yourself. And this would take you even more time, petrol, storage space.
Is it worth losing a friend over?

Lightswitch123 · 16/10/2021 08:17

@NataliaSerene

Maybe ask something along the lines of “I keep meaning to ask if you’ve finished going through Nan’s sewing things and decide what you are interesting in buying from us. We are going to make surprise boxes of the remaining items to sell on eBay as have heard that’s very popular. I can pick up whatever you don’t want over the weekend and we can settle up if that works for you?”

Even apologize for taking so long to contact her about it and say you hope she didn’t feel pressured to keep anything she didn’t want.

This is a good plan.

I do agree though, sounds like you were v unclear

Heronwatcher · 16/10/2021 08:23

What exactly did you say to Betty? Exactly? Unless it was something along the lines of, “Hi Betty, we’re going to be selling Nan’s sewing stuff, but you’re welcome to first refusal- have a look through and let me know what you want and your suggested price”, I think you’re in the wrong here. I think she’s imagined that you’re just happy to see the stuff get cleared out and go to a good home.

PegasusReturns · 16/10/2021 08:34

I think you’re probably going to have to let this go.

StopGo · 16/10/2021 08:42

"Hi Betty, thank you so much for storing Nan's sewing stuff for us. We are now in a position to take it back. If there are any bits you would like to buy please let us know."

SentDeliveredRead · 16/10/2021 08:44

Is it stuff she want to buy usually? I've been offered things and then told afterwards that £££s. Stupidly I was too embarrassed not to pay back then
She may see it the same way and give it all back

DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 16/10/2021 08:47

Sorry, I think you should let this go. I'm an old woman with a vast amount of craft stuff I'm trying to rehome. Just be grateful someone has taken it off your hands.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2021 08:50

@Bluetrews25

How many hours has Betty spent clearing things away? How many trips in her car? How much storage space is it taking up at her house? As a veteran of three house clearances (sadly) I can tell you she has done you a massive, massive favour. Her time/space for storage/petrol money would probably be worth a considerable amount. Quite possibly more than what you would get for these things if you tried to sell them yourself. And this would take you even more time, petrol, storage space. Is it worth losing a friend over?
This is what I’d like to know before you send the message. The retail value of £500 would net you less than what I’d expect to pay someone for a day of sorting through the stuff cash in hand and that wouldn’t include trips to the dump etc.
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 16/10/2021 08:52

Only if she knows you want her to pay would I text

But even then I'm wondering how much she helped you

You say she has money. Do you need the money?

Loudestcat14 · 16/10/2021 09:02

It doesn't sound like you were at all clear that you expected money in return for the items you invited Betty to help herself to. It sounds more as though it was told to her as "we're clearing out Nan's things, come and see if there's anything you want", without any specific mention of "oh, and you have to pay us for any item you take".

I think the ship's sailed because you weren't clear enough and you need to let it go now.

Angrynellie · 16/10/2021 09:19

As someone who has just done a house clearance for a parent, I honestly think she’s probably done you a favour.
Crates of hobby type stuff sounds horrendous to deal with and you will get virtually nothing for it, and it’s a massive hassle to find a market for it, then sort, picture, try to sell, post or deliver etc etc, for very little reward. I’d let it go.

Hopeisallineed · 16/10/2021 09:25

I sew for a living and £500 in one type of thread? Really? How did you get that second hand thread valued? I pick up second hand thread for pennies, I truly doubt your wild estimation unless you have a whole shops worth of thread. Nothing is worth much once it’s been owned and left in a damp shed, especially if it’s textiles. You should have put a value on it immediately as I definitely wouldn’t have taken it off your hands for that amount especially as it’s so easy to pick up from charity shops for next to nothing.

TwinklyBranch · 16/10/2021 09:28

It wouldn't even enter my head to charge an old family friend for unused crafting materials. I would be grateful that it had been taken off my hands and someone was getting the use of it.

areyouinsane · 16/10/2021 09:42

‘At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house ..’

Could the sewing items be seen as payment for this help?? What did they do for you? And was this selling/developing something you’d normally pay for? If so you might be being reasonable…

Geamhradh · 16/10/2021 09:46

Is anyone else imagining Betty's AIBU?

"I helped the relatives of my dear friend to clear some stuff out of the house, and they asked if I wanted any of the old sewing materials. I took it off their hands and now, 6 months later, the CF wants paying for it. They did tell me it was worth a bit when they offered it to me, but I never thought that was what they thought I'd be paying them!"

pinkyredrose · 16/10/2021 09:47

Did you ask her if she'd like to have some sewing bits or did you ask her if she'd like to buy some bits?

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2021 09:59

If you are selling a house for her then the £500 you are expecting is nothing in comparison. The woman did you a favour. Are you really going to bundle bits up and sell on ebay? Really?

Howshouldibehave · 16/10/2021 10:00

It is sickening the amount of money's worth she has had from us

Sickening?

Perhaps you should have been clear about what you wanted to happen. It sounds like she helped you out by taking loads of stuff out of the house so it was clear for photographers but weeks later you want some money!!

What did you actually say to her?

callmeadoctor · 16/10/2021 10:01

Sorry I realise that it was one item that was £500, so whatever money you are expecting.

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