CF territory and how to solve

[PurpleLlama]

NC as potentially outing...

Due to an initial risk of weather damage/damp, which has now cascaded into a house move to downsize and that won't need work on it, I am currently heavily involved in the sale of my grandparent's house/certain items of belongings to try and raise some money for care/downsize.

My DNan had an obsession with sewing. There is no other word for it. The studio (repurposed large shed) was weather damaged and damp was eking its way in, so DM and I took the initiative to box bits up/sort through/sell what we can as Nan has a long term condition that is deteriorating and will need care.. and is no longer able to sew.

One of my childhood friends (20+ years) has a mum (I'll call her Betty) who is heavily into sewing, so after mum and I took our pickings for projects, we thought Betty would love a root through/first dibs/a chance to have some bits cheaper than retail. DNan wasn't a cheapskate so a lot of high quality bits in her possession.

At some point there was a misunderstanding that if they helped us with selling/developing DNan's house she could have the sewing bits for free.
This was never mentioned, and a total wtaf moment for DM and me as it was so out of the blue and neither of us know where it came from.

Anyway, DM was clear on that to Betty, and we had no intention of developing ourselves, so was a moot point.

However, this was back in June/July sort of time, and so far there has been no money forthcoming.

It is sickening the amount of money's worth she has had from us (approximately £500 just in one type of thread, excluding the crates of fabric, other threads, equipment etc). Obviously we are not after retail prices, far from it, but even £1 an item would go a long way in helping us pay for DNan's care needs, and Betty would be getting a bloody bargain and she damn well knows it. They arent short of a penny or two, with 7 bedrooms, a swimming pool, tennis court and horses.

I am highly cautious about confronting her for the money, as I don't want it to have a knock on effect on my friendship with Betty's daughter, although deep down I don't think it will as she said her mum would pay...

AIBU in wanting to (diplomatically) say "oi bitch gimme money"?

Any suggestions on how to word it? I was thinking along the lines of giving her bank details in case my DM had "forgotten" and see what she replies...

In all niceness, its really not worth the bother.

@NataliaSerene do you work for the diplomatic services? You ought to! Your suggestions are perfect.

People seem to be focussing on the £500 I mentioned for thread - that in itself was retail value, and was not what we would have expected back from anyone for it, whether sold online, craft sale, or from Betty.
I put it there as an example of value, but clearly I have got the wrong wnd of the stick on it; it was stored safely in a "really useful box" and all bar one or 2 of them still had their plastic wrap on, so had never been used.

Again, I had no idea it was easy to pick up crates worth of fat quarters etc from charity shops or places for next to nothing - lesson learnt on that as well.

As for petrol and clearing the house, Betty didn't help on that side at all. She came over once, and then my DM was in charge of swapping crates/items etc. (Yes, I'm going off half information on that side of things).
There were no dump runs, no assistance in house clearance on that side of things.

And no, Betty/family didn't help sell the house at all. Her partner gave us an option as he is a builder and into the housing market and development etc but we declined that side of it all - we never wanted to develop and sell on... mostly as we don't have the money for it/respect the neighbours/need the money for care costs rather than investing it all in a project that'll span a couple of years

To the PP asking if I would bundle bits to sell... yes, I would. We are talking about many hundreds of fat quarters of materials, that are complementary with each other, and would work well bundled.
We still have plenty left, and won't be disposing of it, so undoubtedly will be bundling at some point, yes.

While Natalia's text is almost perfect IMO, it still means that you will have to have the chat about how much she is going to give you, when you are there in person picking up the leftovers.

If she replies to the text saying yes great, I would follow up with a question about how much she would like to keep and how much she is going to pay you (to then pass on to your Nan).

Then it's all sorted before you see her face to face .

Posted too soon

I hold my hands up - yes, we should have made expectations clearer from the start

no, we dont want or expect retail back.

I suppose it it was me in that position, knowing the value, then I would offer something for it.
Not even a value per item, but just.. something.

The house sale itself isn't being the main provider of care money - DNan is moving into a more suitable home, so while there will be some money freed up, it isn't going to be lots as PP seem to think. We're trying to support her in maintaining her independence while she can, which is what she wants to do.

Anyway, thank you to all who have posted - it is not as black and white as I was thinking and I appreciate all the posts.

I will be sitting and mulling it over before deciding anything, and will have another read through of the thread first.

If it's £500 retail, I guess it's worth around £100 now? If that's all I and Betty is helping in any way, I think you should let it go. It's a lesson in being clearer in saying "We're going to sell this for £100, just giving you first dibs but if you don't want no worries, we'll stick it on ebay". You really do need to be that clear about selling things. £100 is pocket money compared to the price you'll get for the house so I would really not sweat this too much.

I don't have any sound advice but is there anything else you could offer her and say "Have a look through and we can sort out a price for this and the sewing items" It does seem rude that Betty knows she misunderstood the original offer but still hasn't paid up.

It doesn’t sound like the sewing stuff would be worth anything, maybe a tenner at best. How many hours help did you get? Just let go of the sewing stuff. You could ask for it back but then you’d have to find another way of getting rid of it.

@TwinklyBranch

It wouldn't even enter my head to charge an old family friend for unused crafting materials. I would be grateful that it had been taken off my hands and someone was getting the use of it.

This. A friend of 20 years.

Perhaps look at it as her helping you clear stuff out?

You & your mum had already taken what you wanted & there is still more that you can bundle & sell.

It wouldn't even enter my head to charge an old family friend for unused crafting materials. I would be grateful that it had been taken off my hands and someone was getting the use of it

But you aren't the OP and the OP needs the money for her DNan's care

I thought to OP said only one of the items was worth £500 retail and that the friend had many many more items than just that?

You may be over valuing stuff. This sort of thing sells second hand for a fraction of retail, unless there are good quality high spec machines etc, recent models. Thread & fabric go for pennies second hand. You can't be sure of dye lots etc on yarns etc.

@Franklyfrost

It doesn’t sound like the sewing stuff would be worth anything, maybe a tenner at best. How many hours help did you get? Just let go of the sewing stuff. You could ask for it back but then you’d have to find another way of getting rid of it.

Saying it is worth a tenner is nonsense. Depending on the brands, the items are likely to sell on eBay or Etsy. Lots of people sell second-hand thread in bundles, and they can go for a fair amount depending on the brand and the shades. And that's without taking crates of fat quarters in to consideration. Again, it is highly likely to sell for more than a tenner for the lot of it.

I think you should just let it go.

As already said, you would get a lot less for the items, but you also have to consider the storage, shipping, ebay fees, disposing of stuff that didn’t sell, etc. It might be harder on your mental health to see things go for pennies or have to be binned because no one wants them than knowing Betty took everything to be used. Selling would also be very time consuming.

If they know you weren't just giving everything to them for free, they shouldn't be offended to be reminded of that fact. The sooner the better, in case they may go through and get rid of what they don't want. (That's if they still don't understand that you weren't simply giving it all away.)

Good quality fabric and thread, even second-hand, can be worth something, especially sold at a reasonable price by the bundle. If it's still in good condition, then you can certainly sell it for more than a few quid.

My mother sees extensively and says it’s very difficult to get the quality of thread she had in the past. She loves the older thread. However that is not the point here. The OP told them and made it clear it was for sale. She just wants to be paid or get the things back. And they aren’t hers to give away; her grandmother is living and these are her things.

Okay, to clear some more bits up...

Betty has not helped in any way other than to turn up, have a root through and take bits she wanted home. No tip runs, no packing, nothing.

Yes, we are aware that the cost of selling bits is pittance/pocket money compared to the house price, however there is an onwards purchase, and it isn't to fund a care home - it is simply to allow DNan to buy a suitable house for her at the moment and care equipment as needed to let her maintain her own independence.

HowardNoir that is a possibility, I'll have a chat with DM and see if there's anything shes found that would fit the bill.. but a great option thank you

Franklyfrost it is definitely worth more than a tenner.. and in terms of hours of help - zero.

Alien yep you're right - one part of what she has would be £500 retail (yes, yes, not the same as a second hand price even though in new wrapping), and she has taken far far more than that one selection...

tofu thank you, I'm not expecting the world, but yes more than a tenner for sure, and she bought quality brands which would resale

shakehands deep down I know this, just brought up as a people pleaser and not to question adults.. even though I am now one myself!

nataliaserene again... thank you!

Apologies for not replying to everyone, but thank you for the many varied views from people who know stuff about sewing and those who don't, from a friendship angle and from a financial angle.

All posts have been read and are appreciated 👍🏻

Then why did you let Betty turn up, have a nosy through the craft stuff and pick out bits she wanted? This is just bizarre!

@Hope478

Then why did you let Betty turn up, have a nosy through the craft stuff and pick out bits she wanted? This is just bizarre!

Because as explained from the start, she let them know that her Nan’s things are being sold and let Betty look through first to see if she wanted to buy anything. Betty knows it wasn’t just a free give-away.

I think you’ve said you don’t want to do this, but in this scenario I’d speak to my friend - ask her to give her mum a bit of a nudge about paying or making a donation. If nothing materialises, chalk it up to experience, move on, don’t offer anything else to Betty.

Once you've decided how to go about getting money from Betty, I think you have to be brutally realistic about the time and energy it will take to wash, iron, sort, weigh/measure, photograph, list, pack and post fabric.

Unless you've got yards of pristine 1950s barkcloth or similar that will go for a good whack because people are actively searching for it as it's relatively rare, you've actually got no idea whether or not it will sell quickly. If it's relatively generic quilting cotton then 50p per fat quarter/£2-3 a metre is about standard for second hand. Hobbycraft cotton FQs are £1 each for reference.

The listings could sit for months before they sell, and you're paying to re-list every time the item doesn't sell. Trust me on this - I sell on Etsy and Ebay and you have to invest a daft amount of time and money getting your listings seen to ensure a sale - Etsy alone has thousands of listings for generic fabric bundles that are colour themed. Unfortunately it's not as simple as putting it there and it will sell immediately. If you have absolutely tons of the stuff then you could start an Instagram/ Pinterest account for it to drum up more interest and take out ads. You'll be able to charge more that way.

Could you have a yard sale? Get some flyers made and post/display locally - let the local WI/sewing clubs/ schools know you'll be selling on a certain date and pack up sets of fabrics etc. You might not make a fortune but it will probably end up making you the same amount as you'd get through eBay etc with far less faff. Or you could ask the WI/ school if they could host a sale for you.

Sorry, OP- I don't want to piss on your chips, but I do agree that it will be a long old slog to get shot of all this stuff quickly for an amount that will be much more than negligible in comparison to the actual house sale.

Sorry OP, but I just can't imagine charging my best friend's mum for second hand stuff probably worth less than £100, and she would never charge mine. I suspect your expectations are out of line with each others here and I think you should just let it go. It's not an amount of money that's worth jeopardising a friendship over.

She has held onto loads of stuff that you wanted moved out of a weather-damaged shed so it could be photographed ready to sell? Now you are cross she hasn’t given you money for it. I think if I was her, I would drive it all round to your house and put it on your doorstep.

It sounds like you were not clear at all with what you actually wanted to happen.

I love how people are assuming it isn't worth more than £100. The fabric alone, even at 50p per fat quarter as suggested by a PP, would get more than £100.

Again, for the people not reading all of my posts, the house sale is not purely spare money - it is to buy a more suitable house.

So there wont be all this money floating around from the house sale people are assuming.

And yes, maybe listing online would mean a lot of work - she was in plenty of sewing groups which would be an option for having a table at and selling things on - DM had thought about that as an option but I had forgotten, so thank you for the reminder 🙏🏻

And no.. she wasn't holding onto things so we could photograph to sell.

Maybe mentioning the weather damage was the wrong thing - it has not affected the items in the studio, it was going to. The only damage was sun damage from the window, on items that were laid out to protect the items below it... from the sun.
The bits in the shed studio were at risk of damage, but not actually at the point of damage.