What is it with twins?

[FabacrombieAndBitch]

I have 6 month old twins. Everyone with almost no exception tells me I need to separate them at school. These aren't even parents of twins either, just random people
AIBU to tell them to just bugger off 🤬

In looking round schools here (5 or 6) - a mixture of 1 or 2 form entry, none of them had a policy on separating twins. It was always down to the parents.

Would be wary of any school who sought to dictate at primary school how twins should be treated. It should not be a rigid policy without flexibility.

As a twin I was brought up to have time on my own with parents and friends.
As twins you are always seen as the "double act" and compared to your sibling.
We went to nursery 2 days a week each, one day each on our own and one together. I still remember the treat of having Mums undivided attention and going for a milkshake on my own feeling so special.
Being a twin is great to always have that friend nearby but it also nice to have alone time to learn to make friends and play as an individual.
My advice would be to bring them up as individuals I hated being dressed the same, sharing presents, getting the same presents and sharing Birthday cakes.
A mix of being together and apart is important they need to be able to function as individuals.

To be fair, it isn't just when you have twins that random people give you advice about how to bring up your children, even when said sproglings are not yet crawling.

Another identical twin here (albeit in my 40s).

We were always judged against each other, rather than the rest of the class.

We were always seen as a pair rather than 2 individuals. Not only at school, by parents & other relatives.

We would have to share single items (like a black & white TV) we had bought for us one Christmas, except we had separate bedrooms.

Relatives would buy us board games to share. Ditto many other birthday presents from friends or family.

People always called us Milly/Tilly or Tilly/Milly. Even classmates would call us by 2 names in the hope of getting it at least a little bit right.

It was only when we had a little more autonomy as teens & bought our own clothes that we were able to express our own identities.

We did the same GSCE’s. It was only during A Level that we went in totally different directions. As we were no1 & no2 in the class ‘hierarchy’ we were always in the same sets.

We have always been asked ‘Who is the older one?’. 10 minutes shouldn’t matter diddly squat, but my sister, being the oldest, was always given first pick at everything (including driving lessons on our 17th birthday, my parents divorced the following years so that equality went down the poop shoot). Still haven’t received that missing 17th birthday present…not that I’m bitter lol.

Whatever we’ve done in life, it’s always with a, “Oh, is that why your sister did xx too?”.

My Dad still can’t tell us apart.

Just saying the word The Twins or Twinny (as in “Oh! You’re one of the Twinnies!”) is likely to send me into a homicidal rage.

No, I can’t tell who is who in joint photos before around 1982. Because dressing twins in the same outfit was seen as cutesy & fun.

Fraternal twins are never judged against the other as identical twins are. We are seen as objects to compare & contrast with.

No, we aren’t psychic. That’s a load of old bunkum.

There is a great new book called Twins - superstitions & marvels, fantasies & experiments by William Viney, also an identical twin. In the introduction he says;

“We are a visual tease, my brother and I, and involuntary objects in a simple game familiar to other twins. Can you identify which one is which? In the discussions that follow, our bodies are broken down into manageable parts and our little noses and eyes, lips and ears get scrutinised - a smile between mirth & conspiracy is judged unique to own, held in common by both, or declared an outlier in need of further analysis.”

Do we (as in, the relatives, friends or mere observers) do that to fraternal twins, or close siblings? Or do we see those single subjects as individuals in their own right?

You (as in the collective you, with identical progeny or not) need to see each twin as an individual. Be that in separating them when they start school, or dressing them differently, giving them different hairstyles or a unique identifier. Instead of a tinkling laugh in response to questions like, “who is the oldest?”. The answer should only be, “Why? It doesn’t matter.”

Unfortunately, my twin sister has schizophrenia, sadly the odds (so we’ve been told) are higher as an identical twin. Some studies suggest it’s due to a fractured sense of self; you are not just going through your early life as one, with one sense of self, but 2.

All this sounds as if I am embittered about this subject.

Really, I’m not.

The shift must be away from the identical part of their identity from an early age, to give them a good grounding knowing they are not one half of a pair, but each an individual in their own right.

And yes, should my twin die before me, it will be like my own arm has been cut off. It doesn’t stop me being saddened at the way we, as other identical twins, have never been truly allowed to have the same individual autonomy by society as others have always had the right to/

Ive known twins fine in the same class and twins thrive in different classes. Ignore and make a decision based in your own children at the point where it is necessary. My children went to a single form entry school so separating twins isnt even a possibility.

My twins have never been apart. They don't want to be they are at college in the same class still and want the same job Nothing can change how they are they have a bond that no one understands even me

Mine have just started reception, and are together purely because I can’t handle two sets of whole class parties.

My twins are 14. Same nursery class, same primary and same class in high school. Never pushed for anything - just how it turned out. They have their own friends and fight like cat and dog. They are doing fine.

I agree with you though - everyone has an opinion on twins. My particular favourite was a woman of 'one' in a toddler group telling me that I needed to spend time with each child so they know they were loved as individuals. I asked her if she had said the same to a woman in the group with a toddler and three older children. She said 'No, she doesn't have twins'.

You can usually cut the 'experts' off with a 'Is that what you did with your twins?'

Good luck OP

Everyone will have an opinion. As a Mum of twins but not being a twin myself, I have no idea what it feels.
I have taken my daughters lead and they wish to be together. They are doing well in school, they are the best of friends and they are a great help and support to each especially during lockdown.
I can't understand why I should break up a close friendship to please others who also have no idea what being a twin is like.

They don't need seperated and are well aware of their seperate identities do long as parents don't the bonkers dressing the same twin nonsense.
Mine weren't seperated. They are close but not dependent and any closeness is probably due to having a constant pal of the same age rather than twinness.

I am a twin and I think there has been too much focus in recent years on individuality and thus separating twins. You can be a twin and an individual, you ultimately are defined by both and that is absolutely fine.

I love being a twin and I also love being an individual

YANBU, it's no one else's business, and it very much depends on the kids. Some do benefit from being in the same class and others are better together, which is your call to make.

We’ve just separated our twins for reception year. They have different interests and one is definitely more dominant and so we wanted the other to grow confidence and create friendships based on their own interests. We have always encouraged them to be individuals never dressed them the same etc. They have done really well and it was right for them. When the time comes you’ll know what’s best.

I’m half of a boy/girl twin “set” in mid 50s. In primary school we were in a “one form” school so were in the same class all the time. We had a slightly weird family dynamic as we also had a brother a year younger than us and another brother a year younger than him (yes, my mom had 4 kids in 3 1/2 years!) so the groupings were much more “the boys” and “the girl” rather than “the twins” for our earlier years.

When we got to high school (in the US) our school had a policy of splitting twins generally but we were both “top set” students of which there was only one form so we had to stay together or we’d have suffered academically. My twin brother HATED having me in all his classes. It wasn’t anything personal against me, but everyone thought it was SO CUTE that we were twins (and looked so different - he was almost a foot taller than me) and he was a particularly acutely self-conscious teenager and hated the attention. We did use it to our advantage on occasion - we swapped homework all the time as he was better at math and science and I was better at English and languages and we each had half a load of books to bring home at night - but feeling that constant resentment for something I had no control over took its toll and we are not especially close now. He’s gone all Trumpy and anti-vaxx and I just don’t feel I know him anymore. He would deny till the cows come home that that is how he felt when we were teenagers but I’m not imagining it.

There is nothing my parents could have done to make things different but I guess I would say be very attuned to your twins and if one is pulling away from the other don’t make them feel bad about it. Support the “abandoned” twin but the breaking away twin could end up really resenting you for forcing them to stay together.

@FabacrombieAndBitch

I have 6 month old twins. Everyone with almost no exception tells me I need to separate them at school. These aren't even parents of twins either, just random people AIBU to tell them to just bugger off 🤬

Everyone has an opinion on parenting. I just congratulated a new twin mum hers were around your twins age. Listen politely and make your own mind up

I have older twins, it's unlikely to be your choice tbh. I always thought I'd just have mine in the same class, I didn't really think about it but right from nursery they always did better when they were separated so they went into separate classes quite early on.

@Porcupineintherough

Absolutely you should keep them together. And insist that the attend the same parties and that both have to be invited to playdates or neither can go. But also get snarky if people refer to them as "the twins" or try and make them share anything. Remind people they are individuals but must do everything together or they wont be so special.

Why so catty?

I have identical twin girls. I was adamant from the start that they needed their own identities and independence as people couldn’t tell them apart, even from birth. I suggested that they just referred to them as their names “A and B”, just not “the twins”, but people (not family and close friends) thought it was cute to refer to them as “the twins”. They had names, as my children even pointed out to people. They were never dressed the same.

Some of the staff at their primary school made no effort to be able to tell them apart, their school reports were often similar despite them being very different children, and I felt that some teachers didn’t know which child they were talking about. My girls even took to wearing badges with their names on, which I wasn’t too happy about. It must be frustrating to be continually asked, “which one are you?”

They went to a small village school, so it was impossible to have them in separate classes, so they had the same friends. However, once they went to secondary school, I requested that they were put into separate classes (which they wanted themselves). They absolutely flourished. They finally had their own separate friends and groups. Nobody knew that either of them was “a twin”. They no longer felt that they had to even try to be individual, simply because they finally were.

So no, don’t tell people to bugger off, OP, because I suspect that people mean well, but I can sympathise with how annoying it is to be given unasked-for advice!

I used to work with children, and met a lot of parents who were adamant that their twins would be “proper” twins, sharing everything (presents, parties, birthday cakes, birthday cards, etc), dressed alike, have a secret language, and be “those cute twins” without any thought given to how that might affect their children. I didn’t ever tell those parents what to do but, if asked, certainly explained how I treated my own twins, and why. My girls didn’t like being seen as being one person. I did feel special by producing twins, because it IS special, but they are individuals. For me, that process started from birth.

You may not have a choice. Our school has a policy of separating twins.

I have twins and its because they are unlikely to have identical academic abilities. By splitting them up they will not compare themselves to the other twin and they will build independent friendships.

I have 6 year old identical daughters. The way I look at it is there is no right or wrong answer. It should be about what is best for each family and each set of twins. Some are better apart, some together. My girls are together and it works well for them. They have seperate and shared friends. They want to be together, so why should they be forced to seperate because it’s seen as better by people who don’t even know them? They have their own personalities and identities and are absolutely individual kids even though they look alike. I do embroider their first initial on their school uniform collars to help everyone tell them apart, which has worked well as they are called by their names instead of “the twins” by most people. I think it also takes the pressure off of people being scared they will call them the wrong name.

So many people have strong opinions on twins, and I don’t want my daughters to ever hate being twins because of how others react to them. I will say during this pandemic it has been a huge blessing that they have had each other. We are in Melbourne and they have really enjoyed being at home together. A lot of their friends have been struggling from missing their peers, where my girls seem to have not missed the social side of life too much.

I think it depends on the twins! I don't necessarily think encouraging them to be confident in themselves and fostering independence goes amiss, but situations like the classroom/coping in school will never have a standard right answer.

My cousins are fraternal twins and past about 2 didn't look related. I think they got the best deal because they didn't appear "twinny" and so didn't really get lumped together, with no pressure to be a double act. They share friends and get on but people see brothers not twins and treat them accordingly.

I did voluntary work in a dual form entry class where a pair were separated for their own good though. One little boy really struggled with behaviour. They looked similar but not identical and the calmer twin was livid if you mixed them up. Yes because it was annoying but also because he resented being confused for his "naughtier" brother. He was much happier being in a different class.

I have twin brothers and cousins -They werent seperated.
All was fine.

I am a fraternal twin & we were separated in school at 3rd year juniors ( year 5 these days?). It was the best thing for us both.

Unfortunately when we moved up to secondary school they refused to change their system despite our mum saying we needed to be independent, so we had to go back to being in the same class with the endless comparisons. We both detested those secondary years and by the time we got to options ( year 9?) where we were split up, we'd lost interest in school completely, despite excelling at junior school. And we really didn't like each other much.

We are however very close now, and sharing your birthday when you get older is a huge bonus as it's much more fun!