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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - should I cancel appointment to attend funeral?

77 replies

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 17:51

Really not sure if my judgment is being clouded by the stress of TTC and I’m being totally unreasonable or not.

We have a fertility appointment booked later this month (been booked for 3 months and already moved once). We’ve been TTC for 12 months with no luck, I’m quite worried there may be something wrong as there’s no obvious reasons why we haven’t conceived (both healthy, no medical issues we know of etc)

Unfortunately a relative of a friend has passed away, and the funeral is on the same day as the appointment. Husband wants me to cancel the appointment so we can attend funeral, I want to keep the appointment. Not sure if it’s relevant but funeral would be a 10 hour round trip, not local at all. And would involve at least 1 nightmare stay so couldn’t do both. Husband thinks I’m being unreasonable as we obviously won’t get another opportunity to go to the funeral and we could move the appointment although it would probably be another couple of months to get another one.

DH has pissed me off as he seems oblivious as to how worried I am and how much I’ve been focusing on the date for the appointment so we can at least make some progress with things one way or another. He’s treating it as if it’s a hair or nail appointment and means nothing, which I don’t think is helping.

AIBU? Should I be moving the appointment?

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2021 17:52

How old are you?

Teacupsandtoast · 13/10/2021 17:53

Is it a close friends parent? If so, I'd want at least one of us to go to the funeral

TheSisterOfRainbowDash · 13/10/2021 17:55

Depends on how close you were to the person whose funeral it is

CoRhona · 13/10/2021 17:55

Yes, sorry but you are. I get this is a priority in your life but a funeral really should take precedence.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/10/2021 17:56

Did you know the deceased? Does the friend need your support? How long would you have to wait for another appointment? Is your husband using the funeral as an excuse for dodging the fertility test for himself ?

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 13/10/2021 17:56

I dont think you are being unreasonable, a 10 hour round trip is a big commitment in any circumstances

How close were you to the deceased?

TwinklyBranch · 13/10/2021 17:56

I would go to the appointment.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 13/10/2021 17:58

I wouldn’t expect anyone to travel a 10 hour round trip to attend a funeral unless it was a close relative. I also wouldn’t be offended if it was a close relative of mine and you didn’t come.
Is this the first appointment? If so please attend - there can be lots of appointments that all take time so you probably want to kick the process off ASAP

Glitterybug · 13/10/2021 17:58

If you are my friend i would totally understand you going to the appointment.

PurpleDaisies · 13/10/2021 18:00

I’m guessing it’s your dh’s friend rather than a joint one?

I don’t think wanting to support a friend after they’ve just lost a close relative is a bad thing. I’d move the appointment.

LaetitiaASD · 13/10/2021 18:05

@CoRhona

Yes, sorry but you are. I get this is a priority in your life but a funeral really should take precedence.

I really don't get this at all. I have never once been to a funeral of someone who wasn't a direct and close (grandparent, uncle being most distant) relative of myself or my partner.

LaetitiaASD · 13/10/2021 18:06

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

I dont think you are being unreasonable, a 10 hour round trip is a big commitment in any circumstances

How close were you to the deceased?

I'd need them to be something like "mother of my best friend all throughout childhood, who'd regularly feed me and look after me between school and 6pm".

MrzClaus · 13/10/2021 18:06

I would go to the appointment. I'm in a similar ttc boat, and I would pick the appointment. Funerals are sad emotionally charged occasions, and it can cloud judgement. 10 hour round trip and a night away is a lot to do for a funeral, especially for a non immediate family member.

gannett · 13/10/2021 18:07

"A relative of a friend" is pretty vague. It really depends what your relationship was to them (or possibly how close you are to the friend and how much they might need your support).

SuperCaliFragalistic · 13/10/2021 18:08

I wouldn't miss an appointment like this for a funeral unless it was a close relative. I would try to rearrange non urgent things like dentist or MOT but not something that I really wanted to do. Could your DH be trying to avoid it by any chance?

LaetitiaASD · 13/10/2021 18:10

@gannett

"A relative of a friend" is pretty vague. It really depends what your relationship was to them (or possibly how close you are to the friend and how much they might need your support).

I'd guess that most friends (unless very troubled or vulnerable) would be able to cope with the friend saying "really sorry - that is the one day I can't support you as there is something incredibly important and time-critical going on in my life."

Original poster

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 18:14

Will try to answer questions.
Wasn’t being purposely vague - DH’s best friends grandmother (he is close to the family).

We would be going if it wasn’t for the appointment.
He could be trying to dodge the appointment, he is adamant there is nothing wrong and thinks it’s unnecessary but said he would go for me but he’s not really engaged in any conversation about it since it was booked.
We’re early 30’s.
I have said he can go to funeral and I will go to appointment on my own but he thinks I’m saying that to be difficult.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 18:18

Yes I knew deceased, had met them several times.
Friend doesn’t need our support as such, he has partner, parents, sibling and other family etc who will all be there. DH also met up with him today as he is away for work and he said he seemed fine about it.

OP posts:

HippeePrincess · 13/10/2021 18:18

You really don’t need to go I certainly wouldn’t be going, even less if I had an important appointment to go to. I’d not likely get the time off work for such a loose connection.
Certainly not unreasonable to send your dh on his own.

Cattitudes · 13/10/2021 18:22

Will they see you without him? If so I would do that as presumably you don't know your husband's friend's grandmother that much and he will probably end up just spending time with his friend leaving you as a taxi driver / company for the journey.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 13/10/2021 18:22

The grandmother of his friend albeit his best friend is quite a stretch for him to attend. I appreciate he knew her but I honestly wouldn't be expecting my best friend to travel 10 hours to attend my grandparents funeral, especially not of I had a lot of family support it's a heck of a long way.

I hate to ask though but is he genuinely serious about trying to conceive? It seems like he's using it as a very convenient excuse to get out of attending the appointment?

romdowa · 13/10/2021 18:23

I'd go to the appointment. A 10 hour trip for a friends granny is a bit much anyway , never mind cancelling such an important appointment to attend.

DPotter · 13/10/2021 18:28

I've missed the funerals of actual relations that were nearer, rather than cancel work.

I think your suggestion of you going to the appointment and DH going to the funeral is a fair one. Couple of things I would ask - is it an initial appointment ? If so - they might want both of you there to go through medical histories. Is it NHS appointment or private and if you were to re-organise it, what would be the time delay.

I'm of the school of thought that funerals are for the living, and it would have to be a very close relative or friend who had died for me to make a 10 hr round trip. But that's me. I would be more concerned that your DH isn't fully on board with infertility investigations by the way he's minimising.

Original poster

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 18:29

@PinkWaferBiscuit He is very close to the family, his own parents emigrated when he was a teenager and they sort of took him under their wing, parents refer to him as the 3rd son so I do ‘get it’ and wouldn’t have given it a second thought about going if it hadn’t fallen on the same day.

He’s serious in the sense that we’re DTD regularly but in all honesty I don’t think it’s causing him as much (any) anguish that it’s not happened yet.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sandyseagul · 13/10/2021 18:34

@DPotter
I run my own business so fortunately can be flexible with days off and DH also can be flexible so there’s no holiday or time off requests needed.

Private appointment, albeit it still took us 3 months to get this date, the clinic rearranged it once already. I’ve not checked but I can ring them in the morning. It’s the first one too so I will check that as well thank you, hadn’t thought of that.

Yes I agree, this may have brought up some other issues I didn’t know we had.

OP posts:

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